Pastor Bob’s Universal Protestantism Corp. has Big Plans! Pastor Bob #44,001 memo after The Consultant Report arrives at Universal Protestantism Corporation HQ!
From: Pastor Bob 44,001:
To: Staff/ High Importance!
As you know, we have hired McKilsome & Co as consultants to help develop a Business Plan for Universal Protestantism Corp. Part of their work is analyzing the financial statements of several hundred different denominations.
Preliminary results are in for the three main types of Protestants Organizations that Universal Protestantism Corp has targeted:
- The Franchise Operation Protestant (FOP) groups are shrinking. Older, Mainline denominations are dying. The graphs show that in fifteen years, the Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Episcopalians and similar denominations will have been reduced to nearly nothing. Pension funds are draining their endowments. Their huge properties will be sold for dimes on the dollar.
- Some of the Large Stand Alone Protestant (LSAP) organizations with large numbers of members are holding on. They usually do not last more than a generation. Many are reaching the “half-century” mark where intra-schism rivalry and competing children and grand-children of their founding inventors destroys them. Their suburban properties have substantial real estate value.
- The Small Stand Alone Protestant (SSAP) organizations with few supporters need so much from so few to support whoever runs it that they rarely last more than ten or fifteen years. Few of them have land, buildings, or assets. As a group they are of no meaningful significance. Members come and go, and mostly “go”.
- If 90% of these groups loses the top 3-5% of their donors, collapse is almost guaranteed. Their individual overhead costs are very high, paying unsustainable costs for salaries, benefits, pensions, utilities, and maintenance. Top donor departure accelerates the collapse and subsequent “fire sale” prices of property.
- Efforts at Universal Protestantism Corp. should focus on moving the big donors to FOP and LSAP denominations into Universal Protestantism Corp., buying up the assets of their old churches as quickly as possible, and turning them into barracks-type housing rented to the government at high rates for non-Catholic immigrants. Each of these properties can go from money-loser to money-maker with steady income streams.
- There are at least a hundred thousand Protestant churches on the verge of collapse. They can be closed with concerted economic resources devoted to drawing the 3-5% of supporting donors away. Research indicates that “Big Donors” like to be thought of as “under-appreciated” and the usual “stroking” used by those to attract the vain and wealthy is effective. (The McKilsome & Co. report “Stroking Big Donors Effectively” is available for the nominal sum of $2,000,000.00.)
- Those hundred thousand properties can generate solid, reliable rental incomes from State and Federal Governments to house non-Catholic immigrants of nearly five hundred thousand dollars a year providing a gross income to Universal Protestantism Corp. of $50,000,000,000.00 (fifty billion) per year.
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If those non-Catholic immigrants can have their very large and growing families join them, the revenues paid by the State and Federal Governments to Universal Protestantism Corp could reach $200,000,000,000.00 (two hundred billion) each year. That’s as much as the whole Catholic Church is worth.
- A personal note: McKilsome & Co has worked with some of the great entrepreneurs, developers, and inventors of our time. Frankly, when we saw the huge income stream that Pastor Bob #44,001 had sketched out, we were skeptical. Now, we think he is one of the great businessmen of the Christian Era, putting Luther, Calvin, and even Jimmy Swaggart and all the other 44,000 schism inventors, in the shade.
Further details from McKilsome & Co. to follow.
Staff, it looks like we’re going places!
Sincerely,
Pastor Bob #44,000 AND ONE! (That’s still plain, old me, Pastor Bob #44,001. I got carried away, reading the “Stroking Big Donors Effectively” report.) Still, glad to see the experts agree: Pastor Bob’s Universal Protestant Corp. has Big Plans!
