Monday, June 23, 2008
It was reported that a redwing blackbird attacked a pedestrian in Chicago. Pedestrians told to "watch out".
Floods in the Midwest were caused by people emitting excecssive amounts of carbon dioxide.
It was reported that many dogs, maybe our own, are afraid of loud noices.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Proteus Syndrome is of great concern. Slightly over 200 cases have been diagnosed worldwide.
Mayors in U.S. cities said we should not drill in the Canadian oil sands because of "Global Warming" dangers.
"Diet Police" are visiting expectant mothers in England to warn them of the dangers of obesity.
"Oil Speculators" are driving up the price of gasoline, fuel oil.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tens of thousands of New Yorkers are having unprotected sex. In a prior scare, 20% of New Yorkers were found to have STDs.
Global Warming is forcing many California plants to "migrate". No mention of fact that global temperatures have been dropping for seven years.
Athletes wearing too much jewelry hurt themselves.
Cats cause eczema in infants.
Salmonella outbreak sickens hundreds.
Alfalfa sprouts cause food poisoning.
Salmonella outbreak caused by tomatoes.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Salt re-emerged as a "problem". People are just eating too much of it.
Not enough glass is being recycled.
The very act of rinsing off tomatoes drives salmonella germs right through their skins. Then, people eat them. Often, they get sick. Many may die.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The entire polar ice cap is scheduled to disappear this summer.
People driving with "hands-free" cellular phones are as dangerous as those with hand-held phones.
Depts. of Health and Agriculture unable to find a single tomato tainted with salmonella. Entire tomato industry faces bankruptcy. Thousands out of work.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Democratic Convention has banned fried food. This is thought to help solve many health problems.
Salmonella outbreak may not be caused by tomatoes. May be caused by something else. Officials now say that the salmonella outbreak is a "Produce Problem".
Australians in great danger of dying young from obesity. Their high-fat diets are killing them. Australians also have the second-highest life expectancies in the world, 81+ years.
This week, the Everglades are in grave danger. This is the seven hundredth time in fifty years they've been threatened.
Sunday, June 29,2008
Chlorine in tap water causes the male sex organ to be deformed.
Australian scientists have determined that the sun is going into a "quiet" phase, and serious global cooling is imminent.
Sea turtles "on verge of extinction".
American racism resurges: Cars painted with pro-Clinton, anti-Obama graffiti.
July 1, 2008
Senator Reid announced that: "Oil makes us sick."
Stray dolphins are having a hard time in New Jersey waters.
Ravenous lionfish invade East Coast fisheries.
Health care is better in some areas than in others. On the other hand, in some areas, it's worse than in others.
Two ships collided off coast of Uruguay. Nearly a dozen penguins killed by oil leakage. No one knows how many evil sailors were drowned.
Additional penguin news: There are fewer penguins than before. They may be wiped out by global warming. The Antarctic ice pack is now at a record level. Even so, it, too, may be wiped out by global warming.
Dengue fever is increasing. Something has to be done.
HDL levels may, or may not, cause Alzheimer's. "More research funding is needed." agree researchers.
July 2, 2008
"Penguin colony collapse points to climate change, researchers say." (using "points to" rather than "proves" is a good way to avoid being shown to be wrong.)
July 3, 2008
Children sticking crayons in noses. Something must be done.
Coral, used for jewelry, may be all gone in a few more years if people don't stop using so much of it.
Flat screen TVs may cause global warming. They'd better hurry up about it. For seven years, temps have been dropping.
July 4, 2008
Dee Boersma of the University of Washington, points out some of the many ways penguins are suffering, such as by ingesting oil from spills, by being run over by tourists, by having their nesting times confused by climate change, and by losing their prey to changing currents.
July 5, 2008
Orangutangs are about to become extinct.
Scientists say, for the forty millionth time, global warming a danger to food production, cause world wide famine, loss of cropland, high prices.
One case of Salmonella discovered in all of Canada. May be related to theU.S. "Tomato-Salmonella" outbreak last week. Several bureaucracies have requested additional funding to "solve" the problem.
Asian moths are invading North America.
A new generation of "crash dummies" necessary to show what happens to children and midgets (adopted orangutangs?) in car accidents.
Herpes causes brain cancer.
Oceans becoming acidic. Sea life threatened. Global warming will make this much, much worse. Fisheries may be depeted. Fish may go blind, be unable to find food.
One and a half BILLION people may starve because global warming may cause cropland to erode.
July 6, 2008
Tofu found to cause dementia. This "vital food", has long been praised by the entire left. Finally, we know why leftists think the way they do.
A volcano is Hawaii is spewing more lava than usual. May contribute to global warming.
Tropical storm Bertha off coast of Africa. It may turn into a hurricane.
July 7, 2008
The American Academy of Pediatrics wants children as young as 8 to take anti-cholesterol drugs because "it may prevent future heart problems." No mention of payoff from manufacturers of statin drugs looking for huge, new, profitable markets.
Worries about the "obesity epidemic" prompts recommendations that children drink low-fat milk. No mention of the "Imaginary Problem Epidemic" of which this is a part.
U.S. Food and Drug Safety Administration says "food safety is badly broken". This, just a week after tomatoes were blamed for salmonella by gov't agencies, but no contaminated tomatoes could be found anywhere. Is the "broken" part of food safety in Washington?
July 8, 2008
Reefs are in trouble. They may be being damaged by 10 main threats to U.S. reef systems: climate change and coral bleaching; coral disease; tropical storms; coastal development; tourism and recreation; commercial fishing; subsistence and recreational fishing; vessel damage; marine debris; and nonnative species.
July 9, 2008
Food dye is said to be dangerous. Yellow #2 food dye will likely be the next to go. It’s been shown to cause ADHD, multiple types of cancer, male sterility, and many other issues.
That darned Global Warming! Australia’s Koalas are being threatened by rising carbon dioxide pollution in the atmosphere. Their survival is at stake because the Eucalyptus leaves they feed on are losing their nutrients from the worsening air quality. In fifty years, their population may decline.
Australian air is some of the cleanest in the world.
If more people would become vegetarians, Global Warming would be reduced. Temperatures last year were the coldest in the past 30 years. Need fewer vegetarians.
Jesse Jackson threatens to castrate Senator Obama. Apologizes. Obama bodyguard increased.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wolverines in danger. "Global Warming may hurt native wolverine populations."
Mercury found to be "dangerous in drinking water". Dentists blamed for letting people rinse old fillings into drains. Countless trillions of tons of water contaminated by a couple of pounds of amalgam. Autistic children suffer most. Great concern expressed.
Tilapia contains possibly dangerous omega 6 fatty acids.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Skin cancer very dangerous. Growing numbers of young women affected.
In a related issue, wrinkles are a bigger problem than ever
Hamburgers, when cooked on outdoor grills, are causing major increases in global warming.
Everyone must do more to stop global warming.
New houses damage environment, cause global warming!
Organic food claimed to be "eco-friendly".
Bedbugs are a real problem in Philadelphia.
Weedkillers turn wildlife into females.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Both lightning strikes and bad cases of sunburn increase dramatically in the summer time. So do the number of leaves on trees.
Antidepressants make bones brittle. Depressed oldsters collapsing from excessive medication, bones turning into powder.
Dangerous drugs available on line.
Excessive travelling is destroying the planet. People urged to stay home, preferably lying flat on the floor. Scientists say that's the best way to reduce carbon footprint while not at work. To help the planet even more, in summer, lie on basement floor, in winter, lie on attic floor. Only lie on organic mats.
Going outside increases melanoma risk.
Wednesday, July 15, 2008
Children's swimming pools must be fenced in. Even small, plastic pools need fences. People in the fencing industry want to save lives!
In China, children damaged by burning coal for heat, electricity.
Chlorine in swimming pools has bad effect on children. Chlorine in drinking water deforms male sex organ.
Chlorine in water causes tooth decay.
Chlorine in water damages kidneys.
Chlorine in water hurts eyes.
Chlorine in water causes skin problems.
Chlorine in water disrupts digestive process, kills valuable microbes in "gut".
Global Warming may cause increased numbers of people to have problems with kidney stones.
Global Warming may hurt Arctic fox populations. Arctic foxes all in favor of warmer temperatures, warmer dens, more rabbits. "They don't know what's good for them.", researchers explain.
Rice absorbs arsenic from water. Three billion Asian people expected to die within next few months.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Fat children continue to be a big problem. There are simply too many of them. Each child should be in an environment controlled by caring people who can exercise them, make sure they take their ritalin and statin drugs to lower their cholesterol for their mental and physical well-being.
Too many people unable to find jobs in "public service". Tax cuts destroying opportunities for young people who want to "help make life better."
Lawn mower regulations needed to regulate lawnmowers to stop global warming. "No one is regulating lawnmowers adequately." says expert.
Friday, July 18, 2008
People are keeping their pillows, toothbrushes, and cutting boards for too long a time. Germs may accumulate on such things, and may be making them sick, say concerned people who study the problem.
Happy children unable to do mundane tasks as well. Educators promise to "do all we can to solve this problem."
Tasmanian devils have started mating much earlier in response to an epidemic, called facial tumor disease, which is wiping out much of their population. Thought to be caused by Global Warming. Temps in Tasmania, unfortunately, are lower than in the past. "There is much to study.", say researchers.
More bicyclists killed, injured in accidents. "High price of gas gets more people on bicycles, so more deaths and injuries." Congressional Democrats unconcerned. "High fuel prices stop global warming. These deaths, while regrettable, are unavoidable." Plans to drill put on hold.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
"We need more problems.", alarmists agree. "People are tired of hearing about fat people all the time."
Despite endless repetition, many still concerned about the growing number of obese people.
Global Warming causes geysers to go off more slowly. "Geysers may soon stop, altogether, if this keeps up.", researchers agree.
AARP objects to name "geysers". "Many of our members think it sounds too much like 'geezers'. These active, vital people do not want to be thought of as slowing down, or losing their tempers, as the name 'geyser eruption' implies."
Plastic bags return as problem: "Some stores charge 5 cents for each bag your groceries are stuffed in. Some give you a 5- or 10-cent discount if you bring you own bag. By one estimate, it costs cities 17 cents to dispose of each bag."
Swarms of bees attacking motorists in New Jersey. "I've never seen so many bees!", reported one driver.
Another giant swarm of bees, over nine feet long, took up residence in a Pennsylvania home.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dead penguins washing ashore on Brazil. Live penguins also being washed ashore. "More than we've ever seen.", say experts. "Global warming may be involved."
Al Gore: “I think that the climate crisis is, by far, the most serious threat we have ever faced”.
Hungry, curious orangutangs in Malaysia have bad habit of stealing food, shiny things, from local residents.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ozone hole coming back. Or, going away. No one sure, but things are looking "iffy".
Soot is much worse in its effect on global warming than previously believed. "Soot has an incredible effect on global warming, one that has been overlooked for at least three or four weeks."
If people do not recycle, the entire earth will be buried in human garbage by the end of this year. Or, next.
Coral reefs in trouble, again. "The oceans are at risk.", say researchers for second, third, fourth time in a little over a week. Plan to move all sea life from Atlantic to healthier coral reefs in Pacific on hold.
Only one hundred months left to keep global warming from gathering so much steam that it destroys life, as we know it, on the entire globe.
Previous scare: Global Warming going to melt all the ice in polar regions, first time in history.
New info makes it unlikely that polar ice will melt.
Previous scare explanation invented: Smoke from forest fires are slowing down effects of global warming, that's keeping polar ice from melting.
Wednesday, July 22, 2008
Take vacations quickly, many of the best vacation spots being destroyed by Global Warming.
Forests in Colorado being destroyed by pine beetles. Global Warming to blame, despite lower temperatures.
Tasmanian devils are reproducing at younger ages. Causing lots of problems.
Global warming may cause more kidney stones. If it gets so hot that all the water evaporates, billions will die painfully. Iced tea also causes kidney stones, says press release from pop companies.
Drinking more than five cans of pop in a day may cause Alzheimer's, says press release from ice tea industry.
China using child slaves to mine for minerals in Congo, working them 24/7 until they die. No complaints from children's rights activists.
"Bumblebee disease" spreading into hives of bees. Crops may be wiped out from lack of pollination.
Bears in Russia kill, eat two geologists in polar wastelands. Surviving geologists ask for permission to shoot bears, Greenpeace against it.
July 24, 2008
The carbon that's in the world's swamps may, if it gets warm enough, "explode", turning into a "carbon bomb".
That could accelerate temperatures so that all the icecaps and glaciers would melt, possibly flooding all coastal areas and low-lying islands.
Acidic sea water may destroy all aquatic life.
If you travel to Antarctica, watch our for warm temperatures! Lots of people think it's going to be a lot colder than it really is, with global warming heating up the entire continent.
Giant hailstones, "bigger than volleyballs" could destroy plant, animal life on earth. May be caused by global warming.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Global Warming still a "life-threatening problem."
Fox attacks woman in Florida. Global Warming blamed.
Last month's Tomato Scare officially over. Now, it turns out "peppers may have been to blame." Pepper farmers no longer allowed to ship their produce, thousands laid off, millions of dollars of inventory destroyed. All other produce growers have made large contributions to key Environmental groups, so the food chain is safe.
Watch out for abandoned mines! No telling when you could walk or drive into one! "An overlooked danger.", say researchers. "More funding necessary to keep Americans safe."
Man walks across Cheasepeake Bay on discarded plastic bottles that pollute the Bay. "There were billions of them!", he said when he got to shore. "Billions!"
Eco-parents will NOT use disposable diapers. "I will NOT use disposable diapers." says unemployed eco-parent.
"And, I will not get a job. Working would put more greenhouse gases into the air, and I would endanger the water supply if I lost the time I need to use disposable diapers." State funding sought for eco-parents to stay home, use cloth diapers. "It's a wise investment in the future of the planet." supporters say.
Growing numbers of polar bears eating more seals than ever. Legislation protecting polar bears from hunters put on hold by seal-lovers. "It's bad enough that Eskimoes use seal skins to make warm clothes. Hunters should shoot more polar bears to protect the precious seals that survive the Eskimoes".
Monday, July 28, 2008
There is a world-wide pomengranate shortage! The whole world does not produce enough pomengranates. This problem can only be rectified with new, Dept. of Agriculture programs, researchers say. Warnings that many foods said to contain pomengranates actually do not, due to pomengranate shortages.
Children warned: "Be careful if you go to Antarctica. Global Warming has made the entire continent much hotter! Children, be sure you don't risk your health by wearing clothing that's too warm when visiting!"
Crystal skulls are not old! They were made in Europe, less than a hundred years ago, using modern machinery. Credibility of recent movies, entire show business industry, threatened.
Pathogens attach themselves to commercial bees that escape from greenhouses. These "bad bees" carry disease to wild bumblebees.
"Oil is a drug, and we are addicted to it.", say concerned environmentalists.
Livestock puts excessive greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, directly increasing global warming. "No one should be allowed to eat meat, drink milk.", say concerned citizens.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Donuts are bad for you, experts agree. Must reduce number of donuts eaten.
Huge chunk of Arctic ice drops into sea. "This may cause massive flooding!" scientists warn. Seals, polar bears, fish all at risk.
Dangerous plastic bags made illegal in San Francisco. "They must be taxed.", say public officials. "So, that's what we'll do.
Styrofoam food carriers said to "damage the ozone layer." California and Washington have put a .25 cent tax on each plastic bag. "It's worth it to save the planet.", say concerned citizens. Many think the tax should be a dollar. "A dollar would not be too much.", say the really concerned.
Many helpful activities found to be uncoordinated. "We need to get all the activists organized so that we can do more good.", explains a Leading Activist who wants to organize and direct all other activist groups. "Their funding should be sent to us, where it can be efficiently used, rather than scattered among tens of thousands of small, inefficient organizations."
People borrowing more than they afford, may lose homes.
Wyeth sells drug to help people with Alzheimer's.
Global warming causes crops to be damaged by excessive sunlight. Agencies "very worried".
Georgia frequently running out of water. Farms, businesses, and homes threatened.
"All food must be tracked from the field through every step until it's actually eaten.", say Agriculture Officials. "The nation's health depends on doing no less."
Friday, August 1, 2008
The government has over 623,000 cars. Many gov't employees are allowed to drive those cars for work and personal reasons. No one checks their tire pressure. No one checks their exhaust. They just drive them around. This is bad for the environment.
People are drinking both too much and too little water. Those who are drinking too much water should drink less. Those who drink too little water should drink more.
Recent record high oil prices may be just the beginning of never-ending price escalations as increasing demand for oil (China and India are growing at about 10% per year) collides with global oil production that has been pretty much flat for the past three years, and shows all the warning signs of impending decline (Peak Oil).
Even the best-case projections from the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) indicate that escalating natural disasters exacerbated by global climate changes may be enough to bankrupt many nations over the course of the next few decades.
Roughly 90 percent of the large commercial fish (swordfish, marlin, tuna, shark, etc.) have disappeared from the oceans over the last fifty years and it is projected that current trends will result in the collapse of all commercial seafood species in the oceans by the year 2048.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
- Americans now use 127 percent more water than we did in 1950.
- About 95 percent of the water entering our homes goes down the drain.
- Running the tap while brushing your teeth can waste 4 gallons of water.
- Older toilets can use 3 gallons of clean water with every flush, while new toilets use as little as 1 gallon.
- Leaky faucets that drip at the rate of one drop per second can waste up to 2,700 gallons of water each year.
- A garden hose or sprinkler can use almost as much water in an hour as an average family of four uses in one day.
- A water-efficient dishwasher will use as little a 4 gallons per wash cycle, whereas some older models use up to 13 gallons per cycle.
- Some experts estimate that more than 50 percent of landscape water use goes to waste due to evaporation or runoff caused by over-watering.
- Many people in the world exist on 3 gallons of water per day or less. We can use that amount in one flush of the toilet.
- Over a quarter of all the clean, drinkable water you use in your home is used to flush the toilets.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Elephants all going to die by 2020, victims of, unbelievably, ,not Global Warming! This time it's ivory poachers. China recently allowed to import ivory because of its concern about elephants.
Hungry pelicans wiping out fish in oceans.
Eco-resort in economically distressed area may threaten wildlife. "Lights may make the stars harder to see." No actual residents complaining, all imported complainers.
"Big Sugar" threatening Everglades. Everglades provides central Florida's largest, single industry for Florida swamp protectors.
An Ice Age can kick in within a few hours. "We won't know until it's too late.", scientists say. "In an hour, the Great Lakes could turn into solid ice."
Tropical Storm could turn into hurricane! Another Tropical Storm could turn into a hurricane, too!
We only have one hundred months to do something about Global Warming. Then, it will be too late!
Electricity shortages predicted, costs to quadruple. Power grid in danger, can't transmit enough electricity.
American drivers, families, ravaged by high gas prices.
Acrylomide may be killing millions of Americans, deadly chemical found in potato chips.
New car smell is actually made of deadly gasses.
With high gas prices, caused by Global Warming, people can no longer afford vegetarian diets.
100% of Americans will be overweight by year 2040 say people who thought we'd all starve to death by 1990.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Monday, August 11,2008
Mars is contaminated. Percholate, a chlorine-related substance was found on Martian soil. "Future colonists will have to be thoroughly educated on the dangers of eating Martian earth.", scientists explain. "Playgrounds will be of particular concern."
Mars contamination lined to America's refusal to spend money cleaning up space debris. "Percholate found on Mars probably came from American rockets that crashed. The molecules cloned themselves and spread all over the planet." The new environmental group, Red Planet, plans to sue NASA.
Carbon footprints getting bigger. Scientists say, "We are very concerned."
Global Warming causing "gullywashers".
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If you are attacked by a redwing blackbird, bark like a dog, says an expert in field.
Midwesterners must trade cars for bicycles, and do more walking.
Try to avoid startling dogs with loud noises. Don't light firecrackers, cherry bombs nearby while they're asleep.
No one knows quite what to do. Requests for funding are being made.
U.S. Mayors would like more taxpayers to move into their dying cities and ride their buses. High oil prices help them achieve those goals.
Don't answer the door.
Immediately invent and install new kinds of power sources to solve the problem. Immediately!
Abstinence not discussed.
"Healthy" white wine developed that cures most ailments. Coincidentally, it will soon appear on the market.
No known solution, but experts provide counseling.
Only a few infants are affected. To be safe, no cat should be allowed near any baby.
Experts say that if everyone drove an electric car, things would be better.
English gov't recommending fewer holes in tops of salt shakers. Agencies buying new, "five hole shakers" for four dollars each, reselling to restaurants for more.
A device that concentrates moonlight and starlight is said to cure many diseases. One simply goes into the Arizona desert at night, and exposes oneself to this focused light, and may be cured.
This ice disappears frequently. Unfortunately for the Warmers, polar ice last winter set a record. And the Neana ice break-up was later than they'd like. Worse, there have been no warm days in Alaska to date. Much cooler than usual, so it's unlikely that the ice will disappear this year.
New, miraculous drug to be provided for fat people. Rimonabant, trade name Acomplia, now being prescribed. Drug's manufacturer claims that it will help those who aren't helped by other drugs. Company profit margins also to be helped.
Tomato growers driven out of business. Workers fired. This problem is solved. Too bad it wasn't this problem.
Everglades saved by new legislation.
Global Warming is still a danger to civilization "as we know it", despite lower temperatures for the past seven years.
Working together, we can make things better.
High oil prices are helping Americans by "weaning" us away from oil. We should be glad about increased costs of gasoline.
Good cholesterol may help memory.
Doctors being sent to areas with poor medical care. Burma, for one, refuses to allow them in.
Sharks encouraged to stop eating so many penguins.
With further research, psilocybin MAY prove useful in helping to treat alcoholism and drug dependence, and in aiding seriously ill patients as they deal with psychological distress, said an expert from Johns Hopkins. The chemical is found in hallucinogenic mushrooms and MAY help dozens, or billions, of people.
New! Broccoli fights cancer!
Eating grape seeds fights Alzheimer's. ("fights" is the new operative word for magic answers. Eliminates embarrassment when broccoli and grape seed eaters die of cancer or get Alzheimer's)
People with HIV Living Longer
"Good" Cholesterol May Protect Aging Memories
Exercise May Decrease Insomnia Symptoms
Vaccine Reverses Diabetes in Mice Portable
Device Zaps Migraine Pain
Pacemaker for Stomach May Fight Obesity
Coffee May Delay Onset of MS
Blind people having a problem telling which silver coins are which. A miraculous new silver dollar, twice the weight of a half dollar, four times the weight of a quarter, and ten times the weight of a dime, will now have braille so that blind people can tell it from other, much lighter coins. Coin designer jobs safe.
Watermelons contain an ingredient called citrulline that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the body's blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra, said scientists in Texas. Lots of watermelons grown in Texas. Coincidentally, information comes just in time for watermelon season.
Hard to imagine how many penguins are run over by tourists, since none of them bring cars, no auto rentals available. Still, it must be looked into. More researchers needed, also more funding.
People a urged to adopt orangutangs, raise them at home in special rooms that duplicate jungle habitats, teach them basic skills like dishwashing, folding towels.
A new technique allows people to identify people who masquerade as "scientists". When word "scientist" is accompanied by "danger", "loss", "famine"
and "global warming will/may cause", the "scientist" may not be.
If it were not for oak trees helping to ameliorate the deadly effects of "global warming" things may be far worse.
More funding may solve problem of where Salmonella outbreak began!
DDT kills moths! Must not be used! Doesn't cost enough.
Barbie Dolls being used in toy cars as stopgap measure. Some prefer chimpanzees in go-carts.
Abstinence is NOT an option. Only more medical technology can solve this problem. Funding requests piling up. Complaints about "how long it's taking to get funding" appearing.
Plant more oak trees, immediately.
Plant even more oak trees.
Coincidentally, this study is released as sales of Lipitor, etc. begin to drop because they destroy human livers.
Life expectancies now 81 years and rising, all helping people who ate whatever they wanted while growing up.
Reefs in the Pacific said to be in better shape than in the Atlantic. A proposal to move all marine life from the Atlantic to the Pacific is being considered. "It may be expensive, but what else can we do?" naturalists want to know.
Coral reefs said to be "the canary in the coal mine". At last count, at least seven thousand species of life have been compared to "the canary in the coal mine". Canaries angry about their reduction in status. Bringing lawsuits against "copycat canaries in coal mines". "Coral reefs aren't real canaries, so they have no right to use our species for special treatment and funding.", their attorneys recently announced at the filing of their lawsuit.
Tired of running into politically correct web sites? There's finally a magic answer:
Yahoo unveiled a new feature today that will improve the security of searching the Web. The service is called “SearchScan”. It’s a combination of McAfee’s SiteAdvisor technology and Yahoo Search.
Basically while browsing with “SearchScan” a warning sign will pop up next to malicious links identified by McAfee. Once marked as dangerous or harmful, Yahoo will block that Web site from showing up in their search results.
Memory fading? There's a new magic answer:
Researchers from the University of Reading and the Peninsula Medical School in South West England have determined blueberries may help reduce memory problems associated with old age. By another amazing coincidence, this information appears just as the blueberry season gets started.
Water has been discovered on moon! Future lunar colonies will have plenty of water! The sigh of relief that swept over the earth was audible on the moon. Researchers now planning site of first lunar colony. Major decisions, on the bright side, the dark side, or on the boundary? Answers expected soon!
Amoebas are able to predict climate change! They move more slowly under stress. Many amoebas are so worried that they are barely moving at all.
By an amazing coincidence, press releases from sunscreen manufacturers are flooding the media so that everyone, young women especially, know what to do as the summer sunning season is underway.
In another amazing coincidence, wrinkles are made less of a problem by sunscreen.
Eco-weddings, including eco-invitations, eco-clothing, and eco-foods at the eco-weddings are all necessary to save the planet. It also helps to make your honeymoon an "eco-adventure".
New, eco-houses cost quarter million more, but "are worth it, considering how much they help the planet".
Using the prefix of the day, "eco-" helps make people aware. Also, use of prefix "eco-" identifies those able to blindly follow trends, think and do what they're told.
People who eat slowly live longer. Eating very, very slowly may let people live to be over 150. More research funding badly needed.
Those who re-injure the same body parts urged to change their habits.
People who buy drugs on line less likely to steal and kill to get drugs.
Only go out after dark.
If people would unplug from power grid, spend more time lying on mats and thinking of ways to save planet from destruction, we'd all be better off.
Not a good week for chlorine. Lying indoors on rice mats helps people escape deadly chemicals, especially chlorine.
Wonderful new breakthrough, schools may no longer be necessay: Organic cotton pants, treated with Ayurvedic herbs, are infused with healing knowledge! Knowledge-imparting fabrics, combine the Sanskrit words “ayur” for health and “veda” for wisdom or knowledge. A wide range of health and educational problems solved by process of knowledge absorption. Inner city schools that mandated uniforms of made of organic cotton impregnated with ayurvedic herbs saw test scores rise noticeably in just three weeks.
Truly, we are what we wear.
Finally! The Spanish Government, under attack by bomb-throwing immigrants, inflation, and a slowing economy, has finally given legal rights to apes. Monkeys and chimpanzees are relieved to know that they can no longer be "exploited" by being forced to appear in television commercials. Concerned citizens demand voting rights for all "humanoid creatures".
Stop global warming by not cutting grass, planting the "right kind" of low-maintenance plants.
"Hydrogen power is doable." say scientists. They do not say when it is doable, or how much it will cost. People comforted just by knowing that hydrogen power is "doable".
Saturn may have an ocean. On the other hand, it may not.
Photosynthesis still working, despite climate change. Researchers believe that photosynthesis worked both during ice ages and previous periods much warmer than our own.
Due to increased Antarctic ice mass, ocean levels are dropping. People low-lying Pacific Island of Tuvalu very relieved, begin using restroom facilities which had been closed in order to keep sea levels down. "We still do not take long showers or wash our cars.", say concerned Tuvaluans.
Two major universities offer degree programs in "Problem Creation and Analysis".
Move to increase taxes on the overweight, smokers, drinkers. "Those who cost society must help defray that cost."
Artificial geysers proposed by Yellowstone Rangers. "If the geysers stop erupting, no one will come to the Park. Installing 'geyser duplicates' would provide the invaluable 'geyser experience' demanded by so many Americans. 'Geyser duplicates' must only be allowed in Yellowstone National Park to be sure that people can only see them in their natural setting."
It only costs .17 cents to dispose of one plastic bag weighing one half a gram IF the bag is disposed of by making an animal eat it. Burying in landfill costs nothing, provides opportunities for future recyclers.
A couple of months ago, bees were in short supply. Farmers were worried. Experts said that global warming destroying bees, pollination in danger, crop shortages, possible famine coming. That was a couple of months ago. Things seem to have gotten better.
Brazilian authorities fly "endangered penguins" back to Patagonia and Antarctica. Many penguins going to Brazil for free flights home. "I enjoy flying, especially for free.", said one penguin who preferred to be anonymous when a stewardess said, "He looks familiar." It was his fourth free flight to Antarctica, used frequent flier miles to upgrade to 1st Class.
Latest temperatures show world cooling rapidly, due to reduced solar output. "It's too late.", say climatologists. "Once an egg is hard-boiled, it can never hatch."
When Moslems catch these thieving orangutangs, they cut off their hands. Animal rights people strangely silent.
Scientists trying to cure global warming by inventing a new kind of dirt that absorbs excess carbon dioxide. "It may work", say reasearchers, "but we need more funding."
More information on "eco-houses": "If more people built "green" houses, we would all be better off.", according to developer specializing in "eco-friendly" dwellings.
All energy problems to be solved in next two to three years by a 600,000 square mile mirror in space. "It will focus sunlight wherever it's needed.", experts say. When asked how cities, towns would keep from being fried, researcher says "Many details are still to be worked out."
Smoking may slow global warming. Researcher says, "Particulate matter from cigarettes is white, and white tends to reflect sunlight into space." This researcher voted to be stupidest researcher on record.
Latest estimates show polar ice will NOT melt, everything is all right.
A "new economy", based on hydrogen, is possible within fifteen years. "There are problems, however, since it currently takes more energy to produce hydrogen from water than can be obtained from hydrogen. This is an insignificant obstacle that will be quickly overcome.", researchers say, adding "More funding is necessary."
Cooling temperatures all over globe reducing chances of kidney stones. Billions saved from painful death.
Sierra Club planning to "force" automakers to eliminate carbon emissions. Plan to make them install hydrogen engines whether they work or not.
Lower metal prices help economy.
Viagra helps women, too.
Killing pesky geologists keeps drilling from happening.
Some medications may help some gay men to live ten years longer than present lifespans. If true, they only die twenty or thirty years younger than they otherwise would.
Antarctic ice now covers a record amount of land and sea.
Global warming will stop, if people will just not have as many children. "No more than two.", researchers say. "At the very most."
World's power problems may be solved by using animal waste products, especially cow manure, more effectively. "We just need a lot of volunteers to pick it up and take it to processing centers to make this successful." experts say.
Alaska has coldest summer in many years, possibly a record cold summer. Alaskans asking, "Where is all the Global Warming when you need it? Where?"
California has banned all foods with trans-fat. Life expectancy of Californians may increase by more than eight minutes. "Even if it doesn't help all that much, we are at least doing something." supporters of the bill say. Over and over again.
Take your bike on an eco-vacation. No car, no truck, just your bike. Don't get run over! No bike? Sail around the world in an eco-yacht. Just don't pee in the water! No eco-yacht? Well, spending your vacation on a futon in a basement is the next best thing.
Celebrities provide eco-friendly tips:
1. Don't burn garbage outside. Separate it for recycling.
2. Have an old car? Have a "recycling party"! You and your friends can take it apart, separate the metal and plastic, and recycle it!
3. Take a bike instead of a car. Better yet, walk every where you go at a fast rate. You'll help save the planet and get healthy at the same time! This celebrity eco-hint has two hints in one!
4. Drink tap water. Except for all the chlorine, it's much better for you than carbonated beverages. Every one of those tiny, little bubbles is like an exploding mini-bomb of carbon dioxide.
Eskimoes launch formal U.N. complaint against word "Eskimo". "It should be Esquimaux!", they insist, wanting to keep their ancient French heritage (most Eskimoes left Provence over a thousand years ago) from being overwhelmed by English vernacular. In their own language, their name translates into "Cold Squatters".
Pomegranates are the new, magic food! They help everything, skin problems, hair problems, eye problems, digestive problems. Over 950 new food products contain pomegranaites, according to junkfoodscience.com , one of the very best reality-based websites.
Greenpeace workers spraying cold water on penguins to keep them from suffering in the warm weather. Oddly, the Antarctic icecap is larger than ever. "Global Warming sometimes has unanticipated effects.", say scientists.
Nanomagnets and wires point to a potentially better way to deal with oil spills. No word yet on how to deal with the estimated ten billion barrels of oil leaking into oceans every month from natural oil seeps.
Induced Pollination must be stopped! Only wild fruits and vegetables may be eaten, say dietary experts. "Sure, it may cost a little more, but isn't our health worth it?, dieticians want to know.
"When I hear comments like that, I say, 'So what?'", said a man at a gas pump.
If all the billions of tons of cow manure were collected and burned every day, almost THREE PERCENT of America's energy would be produced, not including the energy spent for collecting, transporting, and processing manure.
Dunkin' Donuts to provide "healthy" food. Includes donuts made of lettuce, sprinkles replaced with onion bits, frosting with tofu. "People will have to adjust.", says dietician.
Global temperatures continue to decline. Alaska has one of coldest summers on record. Still, "There is reason to be concerned.", say global warming worriers.
"In an entire year," one person says, "I have saved every, single plastic bag. I have almost two pounds of them, stuffed inside two plastic bags. I drove the bags to a recycling center, got four cents for them, and only used a half gallon of gas weighing two pounds to do so."
Independent Activists provide "healthy outlet" for human desire to make world a better, safer place for children, say leading Independent Activists.
New government program will help people who borrow too much. "We'll help them by making their house payments for them until they get on their feet.", say important elected officials. Millions of people overwhelmed with debt shrug shoulders, are buying La-Z-Boys on credit.
New Alzheimer's drug from Wyeth causes brain swelling. "We didn't realize this because we only use Alzheimer's patients as Alzheimer's researchers. It's the fairest way."
Sunscreens developed to spray on crops, protect from sunburn. Government funding sought for more research.
Jimmy Carter working hard to keep dams from being built in Georgia to store water to help farms, families, and businesses.
Estimated cost of tracking all food through every stage of production, shipments, stores, and homes will cost each American family over two thousand dollars a year. "It's a cheap price to pay for food safety.", say food safety experts.
Getting rid of all government cars would force more use of public transportation, which is what the government should be doing. So far, absolutely no government employee with a car is on record as wanting to have it taken so he or she can use public transportation.
Public water stations, with ID cameras, will let water authorities know who's drinking too much water and who's not drinking enough water.
Drilling more oil wells would solve this problem. Since oil is produced by deep, underground processes, we cannot run out of it. We just need more drilling.
Oh, my. This would all be awful, if it were true.
Eating more meat would solve this problem.
There are three times more Americans.
Where else would it go?
So?
New toilets get clogged frequently, have to be double and triple-flushed. Much more expensive to use.
Most people fix leaky faucets.
So? Should we let the grass die and the car stay dirty? Is that really what you want?
Old dishwashers got things lots cleaner.
So?
If they had freer countries, they could have toilets, too.
What better use is there for it? Gets it back to the sewage treatment plant faster so it can be recycled more frequently.
Worlds smallest snake discovered. Just in time. Naturalists begin to focus on studying ever smaller animals as larger animals are wiped out by Global Warming, ivory poachers.
Pelicans make good soup, substitute for turkeys at Thanksgiving.
Developers should build dens for bears, plant high grass for deer tenants.
Solar output for last few months has been at record lows. "Don't be concerned," astronomers say. "the sun could return to normal energy levels at any time."
Hurricanes had been successfully stopped by seeding with dry ice. "We won't do that, even though it has been proven to reduce hurricane wind speeds.", say Gov't. officials.
Global cooling already beginning. Global Warmers preparing new "studies", will show that Global Cooling is just another form of Global Warming.
T. Boone Pickens will make an estimated two billion dollars selling high-priced wind generated electricity. He thinks nuclear power, at 5 cents/kwh, is not nearly as good an investment as wind power, at $1.25/kwh. Al Gore agrees!
Nancy Pelosi sends Congress home before it can vote on drilling more oil wells.
Trial lawyers urge exhumation of every person who's died in California since potato chips began to be made with acrylomide.
New cars outlawed in California unless they are "pre-ventilated" to be safe to drive.
Tofu offered as best, cheapest value for vegetarians. Unfortunately, scientists earlier discovered it caused brain damage. Vegetarians disagreed, saying "Our brain is not damaged."
If every woman in America exercised one hour a day, there would be no weight problem.
Broccoli May Reverse Diabetes Damage
Diet Cuts Colon Cancer Risk
Hot Peppers Really Can Increase Metabolism Hot peppers make you energetic.
Today, eggs are good for you! Eating an egg for breakfast causes 65% weight loss!
Dyslexic Brains Can Be Rewired Students can all read!
Fish May Prevent Mental Decline Eating an egg with hot peppers for breakfast and fish for lunch makes you both thin, energetic, and smart!
Injections of Vitamin C Slash Cancer Growth Eat an egg with hot peppers for breakfast, fish for lunch, and a vitamin C injection at dinner and you'll be thin, energetic, smart, and cancer-free!
Rice Compound May Reduce Diabetic Damage Eat an egg for breakfast with hot peppers, fish for lunch, take a vitamic C injection at dinner, and eat rice cakes/broccoli/spices for snacks to be thin, energetic, smart, cancer-free, AND cured of diabetes! Who needs doctors?
NASA scientists review, write press releases about bad soil news from Mars without smiling, laughing, or guffawing.
"Our plans for colonizing Mars are moving ahead despite this setback."
Researchers find direct connection between size of problem and amount of funding proposed problem solvers receive. "This is the biggest of all problems.", say those who are researching it. |
