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FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

           As, you know, the world’s largest power producers have hired us to develop lies that support the claims of their various environmental organizations.

           There is a problem.  Our clients feel that environmental lies are no longer believed by the brighter field beasts.  They laugh at environmentalists.  They're telling people that environmentalists are simple-minded liars in the pay of energy companies and energy producing governments.  The smarter ones are listening to  them! Clients worry that the credibility of their entire big business/big government environmental movement is at risk. 

           They expect new and better lies.  To help you, we've assigned Dr. Dick Dudewell to your fine committee.

     Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Before we get started, I'd like to introduce all of you to the famous Dr. Dick Dudewell, himself.  He's the only person who's outstanding lies have earned him a place on every single Lie Committee!

     Dr. Dick Dudewell:   Ah wants ter say that it's a real honor to be selected to help ya'll invent some Enurgy Lies.  Ah'm 'specially honored to be workin' with Dr. Brownout.  Suh, you've been a real example for all the Lie Committees.

     Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Thank you for your kind words, Dick.  It's a real pleasure to have you lying with us.  There's a question left from our last meeting.  A re we supposed to encourage or discourage solar-powered electricity producing units for homeowners?

     Dr.  Willis Watless:  We should probably encourage their usage in cloudy states like Pennsylvania and discourage them in sunny states like Arizona.  Lots of opportunities for waste!

    Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Discouraging solar cells in sunny places needs newer lies like "Wavelengths generated by roof-mounted solar cells may not cause cancer directly.  What may be worse, they appear to introduce preliminary cell changes that may be responsible for causing pre-cancerous cell malformation". 

     Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Now, that's a mighty fine lie, Miss Brenda.  Ah'm very impressed.  Even a reel scientist cain't disprove that "the growth of pre-cancerous cells can’t be affected by 'prelinimary changes' caused by rooftop solar cells."

     Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Thank you, Dr. Dudewell, but I am ‘Doctor’ Bigohm.

     Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah’m mighty sorry, ma’am.  I was so impressed with how purty you are that I just plumb furgot.  Ah'm also mi't'ly 'mpressed wiffin the motorcycle gangette y'all have put t'gether.  Saw all two hunnert of y'all rollin' down the Innerstate.  "That Brenda!", Ah says to myse'f, "What a woman!"

     Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Well, thank you, Dick.  How kind of you to notice.

     Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  It was purty hard not to notice.  'specially that reel purty gal leadin' the pack on that magnifycent pink Harley.

     Dr. Willis Watless:  Dick, we are here to lie, not to flirt.  And, I have a wonderful lie: "The undetermined wavelengths reflected by solar cells may be certain to attract lightning, even from clear skies". 

     Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I love that!  Any time we can put "may be" and "certain" next to each other, we make real progress.  The fools don't even notice.  "Lightning from clear skies."  is absolutely brilliant!  There's not a newsreader on the air dumb enough to pass up ‘news' like that.  Not one of the driveling simpletons is smart enough to question it.

     Dr.  Willis Watless:  And, if we need a lie to get the fools to waste more money, we tell 'em "The country needs to be energy-independent, and it's the 'duty of every American citizen to put up some solar collectors'". 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  Fine, fast lies on the roof-top solar cells.  They can be made to seem complicated, dangerous, and undesirable in places they might work.   Or, useful and "American!" in places where they won't work.   Clients want lies about roof-top water heaters.  They are being used all over the country.  Some of them actually save people money that should be going to our utility clients.

    Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We'all are gonna need some top-quality lyin' for that.  It’s one thang to keep the fools frum tryin’ sum'thin’ new, 'n gettin' 'em to do sum'thin' stoopid, but it takes truly great lyin’ to make ‘em give up sum'thin’ that’s actually savin’ ‘em money.  Mah own su'jestion is that we jes' tell the fools how "ugly and unattractive" they are.  Tell ‘em their appearance'll utterly destroy the value of their homes.  Mebbe get some of them ‘homeowner’ shows on public television to say how ‘tasteless’ they are. 

     Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Brilliant, Dr. Dudewell.  The value of their houses is about the only thing we've left the worthless fools.  That’s a wonderful lie!

     Dr. Willis Watless:  I like it, too.  We do need a little bit of a scare for the few fools left with analytical skills.  Maybe this would help, "Water in root-top collectors absorbs wavelengths from all energy sources.  This multi-spectrum sunlight has almost been definintely proven to be possibly the widest spectrum light that occurs naturally outside of a nuclear reactor.  Medical problems have not yet been analyzed sufficiently to say that it is not unhealthy."

    Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That last lie is marvelous!  It starts out making sense, ends up making no sense, and it's got a double negative that's so confusing I don't even understand it.  Well done, Willis!  Our newsspewers will love it!

     Dr. Wally Weasell:  We could throw in something like, "Water in roof-top collectors may gain either positive or negative charges from sunlight.  We cannot be certain that such water may not bind more quickly to cancer cells on the skin, accelerating the growth of visible tumors."

     Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Wally, what a wonderful lie!  No woman wants to even think about having cancerous growths on her face!  Let’s add a sentence, ‘Scientists are concerned that tumor growth from water that has been heated in roof top collectors may cause tumor-like growths on facial skin, because the face is the part of the body most exposed to deadly solar radiation.”

     Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  I love that, Brenda, I just love it!  It's  a "caring" kind of a lie.  Got an element of truth, but wonderful lies all aound it.  Like a diamond set in crud.

     Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah like it, too!  It’s a lie as big as Texas, and Ah like it!

     Dr. Bobby Brownout:  This should be all the lies we need, except for one addition.  Can we get something in there about causing large, multi-colored moles?  We could get women so scared they’d actually write Congressoids and get their local zoning officials involved in making any sort of roof top water heater illegal just to keep ‘large, multi-colored moles’ from appearing on their faces.  Just one mention on Oprah would have them ripping half the solar water heaters off roofs all over the world! 

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

Good lies!  They can be made to seem believable.  We will get them in front of focus groups to polish and refine them so the fools will take them in.  Then, we’ll release to national news.   Within the month, we’ll have news outlets passing your lies on as if they’re gospel truth. 

Well done.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  On behalf of all of us in the Energy Sub-committee, thank you for your kind words.  We work hard, for long hours, to create an endless stream of believable lies.  Your encouragement is what keeps us going.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That shore is the truth.  Down in the great state of Texas, we’ve got some pow'rful good liars, but nobody lies as good as this h'ar committee!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

Our clients, the largest power companies in the world, have noticed that a few more fools are putting up small windmills to reduce their power bills.  They want lies to discourage small windmills .

Dr. Wally Weasell:  Who do these arrogant fools think they are?  To think they shouldn’t be totally dependent on legal, lawful, government-chartered utility companies!  They make me sick to my stomach.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Now, Walter, don’t let it get to you.  Those kind of people are the white trash scum of the earth.  Anyone who’d want to get out of buying electricity, or anything, for that matter, from a state-regulated monopoly is the worst kind of parasite.  We just have to get them back on the meter.  It’s our job, and we should do it well.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That’s right, Walter.  Focus that anger on new, better lies.  You can do it.  Get a grip on yourself.  You were the inventor of the marvelous lie about solar-heated water causing grotesque skin tumors.  Let’s get to work on putting these small windmills out of business.

Dr. Wally Weasell:  You’re right.  The cause is too important to let my hatred for them get in the way.  I’ll put more effort into lying.  How about “These small windmills present an incalculable danger to birds, thereby endangering local eco-systems?”

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: 

Dr. Weasell, it is necessary to interrupt.  Many state-owned utilities use windmill generators as a proven way to grossly overcharge their customers. 

The smarter fools have already noticed piles of chopped up birds beneath the whirling blades. They wonder why the local conservationists aren’t raising a fuss.  If we make an issue about small windmills chopping up songbirds, the brighter fools may wonder why eagles chopped up by large windmills are studiously ignored.  We don’t want them to consider, much less understand, how many environmentalists are already on our clients' payrolls. 

Dr. Wally Weasell:  If you think it would help, I’d gladly change my lie to say that "Small windmills, being nearer to the ground, destroy helpful insects."  Do you think any of the fools are smart enough to connect ladybugs and praying mantises being killed by small windmills with eagles chopped up by big ones?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Heck, there hain't three people between New York and Callyfernya smart enough to figure that out, and none of them are allowed near a TV camera.   Ah’d say that the ruthless massacre of helpful ladybugs and praying mantises by small windmills was an ecological disaster waitin’ to happen. 

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Let's show the usual depression pictures of a dust storm in Oklahoma and get some good copy about "This is what happens when ladybugs and praying mantises are destroyed.  Even one small windmill is one windmill too many."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Dr. Dudewell, don’t a lot of farmers and ranchers use small windmills to pump water for cattle?  I’m not implying that there should be such things as farmers and ranchers and cattle, but, still . . .

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  You shore are raht.  We could tell the fools that the prayin’ mantises and other valuable insect friends already know where the old windmills are, and that they steer clear of ‘em.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Or, we just tell them that water-pumping windmills rotate so slowly that they don’t kill any helpful insects.  They’ll believe anything we tell them as long as it gives them an excuse not to do anything.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah tell you, lots of times, Ah've seen hunnerds of prayin’ mantises ridin’ ‘round and ‘round on the slow-movin' vanes of water-pumpin’ windmills.  They’re as happy as kids on a ferris wheel!”

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I never knew that!  Do the praying mantises really enjoy it?  That's wonderful!  It's so nice to hear that what the fools think of as brainless, cold-blooded organisims are actually enjoying life.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Brenda, Ah hates to break it to you, but Ah is tellin’ a lie, and iffen it fooled you, then it's a great lie, a monumental lie, a lie fit for the New York Times ‘n network news, too!

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Actually, Dick, you had me believing it, too.  Great lie!  Fantastic lie!  The kind of lie people want to believe.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  It's the kind of warm, fuzzy lie that Congressiods with tears in their eyes love to pass on to their voters.  I can just picture those praying mantises, riding around and around on thousands of water-pumping windmill vanes, and looking like they’re giving thanks for the good time they’re having.  Why, the animal rights tie-ins alone should generate whole new fees for us.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

       Dr. Dudewell, we are very impressed with your fantastic lie that praying mantises enjoy riding around and around on the slow-moving vanes of water-pumping windmills.  We do see a tie-in with various animal rights groups.   

       Our clients love your lie.  They will do the usual "research" to prove that happy praying mantises get rid of more insect enemies than unhappy praying mantises.  They know that slowing down their already inefficient wind generators enough to let praying mantises ride on their vanes can give them an excuse to raise rates even farther.  Bleed the fools!

         Dr. Dudewell, congratulatons!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, Ah thank y'all.  Iffin Ah may, Ah'd lak to make a sugges'ion.  Ah've been hearin' that the smarter field beasts are lookin' at makin' their own hydrogen.  Y'all heerd about that, right?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  No.  What will they do with it?

Dr.  Willis Watless:  They want to power cars with it.  They can use the same engines, and drive a hundred miles on a tank of water.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  We can't have that!  It would let people drive for free!  It would destroy our clients!  We need to make it illegal for the fools to do anything but be bled.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  How many of them are actually powering cars with hydrogen?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  No one knows.  Fed'ral agents confiscate all their equipment when they hear 'bout 'em.  Prollum is, we only hear 'bout the ones who talk 'bout what they've done.  Why, there may be millions of 'em driving 'roun' wifout payin' their fair share to our clients.

Dr. Willis Watless:  And, their fair share is everything they've got, the dirty bastards. 

Dr. Brenda Bighom:  Oh, Willis, stop calling the filthy field beasts names.  It wastes time.  We have to pretend to care about them!

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  We don't even want them to think about it.  We need lies, and we need them, now!

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I'd like to suggest that we write some news for our news-spewers to make people think of "bomb" when they think of "hydrogen".  Then, a neighbor who's saving money becomes a potential terrorist, a destroyer of neighborhoods.

Dr. Willis Watless:  We'll superimpose pictures of Hiroshima over American suburbs while some deep-voiced newsspewer recites:  "We can't let the rich do this to us."  On alternate days, we replace "the rich" with "Big Oil". 

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Wonderful!  We could offer rewards to encourage them to turn in any friends, family, and neighbors who are evading their fair share of costs. 

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Is there any chance their cars could explode?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Not with properly designed tanks.  We have to be sure that no one is allowed to have properly designed tanks.

Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think that ree-wards for squealers is a great idea!  And, you know, iffin we could confiscate some o' them hydrogen cars, our clients could study them and see how they do it.  Then, gummit regulators could make the key parts illegal.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Dick, you're absolutely right.  How big a reward should we pay?

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Ten thousand.  A hundred thousand.  A million, for each one?  It doesn't matter how much it costs, they've got to be gotten rid of!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N about the dozens, mebbe hunnerds, of folks smart enuf to already be makin' their cars run on free hydrogen, we gotta kill 'em er put 'em away where they cain't get out.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR CLIENTS WANT MORE LIES TO MAKE ALL NON-REGULATED POWER PRODUCTION SYSTEMS THAT WORK TO BE MADE UNPOPULAR, UNPATRIOTIC, AND ILLEGAL.  IN THE MEANTIME, YOU ARE TO DEVELOP SMALL, ANNOYING THINGS WE CAN DO TO THE FOOLS SO THEY DON'T NOTICE THE HUGE COSTS WE'RE IMPOSING ON THEM.  FOR INSTANCE, LARGE WATER COMPANIES WANT YOU TO DEVELOP LIES TO JUSTIFY MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO DRILL OR REPAIR A WATER WELL ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:   Ohh, that is SO important.  The field beasts are leaving our cities and inner suburbs, where we can tax the pants off them.  They're moving to the country, building their own houses, and drilling their own water wells, and we can't tax them!  It's vastly cheaper for them, so it has to be stopped.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  It's terrible.  Our clients are losing billions of dollars and millions of votes.  Isn't there some lie that would justify making it illegal for the fools to drill a well?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, Ah guess there is.  Ah, mahself, think we should tell 'em that drillin' deestroys the livin' places of unnerground anymals.  Worms, moles, ants, grubs, there's lots of "vital biodiv'rs'ty" unner the groun'.

Dr. Willis Watless:  That is so true.  So very, very true.  I love it when we have a verifiable fact.  An occasional truth gives validity to our lies.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Surely, the fools aren't dumb enough to believe that killing a few earthworms is important?  I mean, if there's an eight inch hole in a square acre, maybe one or two of the worms would be killed.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Not even that many.  The slimy l'il things jes' crawls outta the way.  So do the ants 'n moles.  Prob'ly, the well wouldn't kill an'thin' at all, 'cept'n a few crippled som'thin' or others.

Dr. Wally Weasell:  Then, we need a more believable lie.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  Hardly any field beasts is smart enuf' to think that any animals are bright enough to move a few inches to avoid being killed.  We jes' get some photos of bisected worms writhin' 'round in agony while a powerful drillin' rig, with lots of smoke, is crankin' away in the background, makin' an ungodly racket, while the newsspewer looks real serious and frowns while recitin', "It's amazing that there are any vital earthworms left, after all this."

Dr. Walt Weasell:  That sounds good.  Ignore the facts, go for the feelings.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I like that.  I truly do.  You've already gotten me feeling sorry for the worms.  Let's fade the story out by showing a frantically writhing half-worm slowly dying.  As it dies, we'll have some mindless, heartfelt drivel like "with so many wells being drilled, time is running out."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's good!  Tha's really good.  No fact, jes' feelin'.  The field beasts'll swallow it right up!

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  There are more lies we can tell.  Let's talk about "vital ground water".  The fools are so used to hearing about "vital ground water" that they'll be suitable alarmed if we simply repeat "It seems nearly certain that private wells may have an adverse effect on vital ground water."

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Let's make up lies that draw parallels with holes in the earth and holes in the body.  "Every well is a possible source of pollution that can contaminate vital ground water."

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Should we say that the earth has "vital organs" that may be infected?

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Why not?  The fools'll believe it. 

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  How's this:  "Layers of sandstone act as Mother Earth's kidneys."?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Good lie, Bobby.  Let's tell 'em that "Powerful underground forces are the strong, pumping heart of Mother Earth."

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  'N we shore don' wan' her havin' a heart attack!  Got to keep ever'thin' jus' the way it is!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  "The stalactites and stalagmites are filters in Mother Earth's cavernous lungs."

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  After we've got 'em thinking that dirt and rocks are alive, newspewers can tell 'em:  "If water can come out of a hole, germs can go down the same hole.  We must eliminate all threats to precious ground water."  It'll seem reasonable, after all the lung and kidney crap.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I'm confused.  Should the groundwater be "vital" or "precious"?

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Bobby, groundwater is both "vital" and "precious".

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That's what I think, too.  "Vital" and "Precious".

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  And, we tell 'em that no one person has the right to the precious water under their ground.  Maybe, we could say "All underground water is so vital that no one person can have access to it without government approval."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah like that!  It'll stop the field beasts from movin' away from towns and cities where we kin tax 'em to death.  We've got to stop 'em from buildin' away from a water main and a water meter.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Tax them, tax them, tax them! Making wells illegal is a great way to keep them under our thumbs.  How did those filty field beasts even get the idea that they had the rights to drill for their own water when it's not even their own water?  They're just selfish, greedy, useless bastards.  We'll fix them.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Let's make up some romantic lies for the dumber fools.  Let's say that "Underground water is as vital to earth as blood is to our bodies.  Precious groundwater flows endlessly beneath us, pumped the the warm heart of Mother Earth."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Oh, Wally!  That's almost poetic.  I love it!  We could Oprahfy the line.  Every single one of our talk-show twits should memorize it!  Newsspewers, too!  We should have them practice an hour a day to look properly sincere while they recite it!

Dr. Willis Watless:  And, music.  We should play soft, meaningful music while they say it.  Maybe, get one of our music shills to make up a song about it. 

               "Mother Earth, Mother Earth,

                No one should hurt Mother Earth.

                We'll protect her, we'll protect her,

                We'll protect our Mother Earth."

You know, some kind of mindless drivel like that.  The fools will lap it up.  Make kids recite it, or sing it, instead of that ridiculous "Pledge of Allegiance".

Dr. Willis Watless:  I've got one!  Let's tell the fools that when they pump water from the ground, the surface of the earth sinks, and their houses will collapse!  Surely, we can photograph a collapsed house near a well.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wonderful, Willis.  Why we got a thousand collapsed farm houses in my county, alone, 'n ever'one of 'ems got a well.  Brilliant. 

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Did they collapse because they pumped the water out from under them?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  They collapsed 'cause the Federal Reeserve raised interest rates at the same time our Food Committee passed a bunch of laws makin' all the farmers keep their pigs in air-conditioned pens made out of porcelainized brick.  After they went broke, we had a bunch of our experts write articles blamin' the problems on "bad farm management".  We got the fools to blame themselves!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We are making good progress.  We'll have to make sure that anyone who sees through our lies is called "heartless", and, better yet, "insensitive".  We want the herd to hate anyone who tells them how stupid they are to believe our lies. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's right.  The smarter field beasts have got to be labelled in such a way that being right means nothing.  Emotion must be made more important than mere intelligence.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  That was our old school song! 

                                       "Feeling ever, thinking never

                                         Makes the fools into slaves!"

We've got to get all of them saying "I just know that feeling is better than thinking".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Timmy, y'all got a great idea.  Let's tell the fools that thinking is just a crude emotion, only suitable for the simple, unsophisticated brains of the lowest field beasts.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I love that!  By demeaning the entire process of rational thought and analysis, we elevate ourselves while undermining anyone smarter.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  That should be the goal.  But, what if one of the field beasts asks:  "If we don't let our smart people think, we could be invaded and murdered or enslaved by people who invent better weapons."

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Field beasts aren't smart enought to think that far ahead.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  We've got to get the smart people labelled "paranoid".  That's the best way to silence anyone who's able to think, Willis.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Bobby, I'm not thinking about thinking.  I'm feeling that one or two of the brighter field beasts may believe they're thinking when they wonder about being killed or enslaved by foreigners if their country gets too dumbed-down.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Who cares what they think or feel?  What can they do about it?  Besides, if we enslave them first, and get all their money, who would bother invading?    We can prove that they're safer if they're slaves! 

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's a hunnert percent raht!  Besides, iffin there is an invader, we'll be the first to get on their side and help 'em loot.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Excuse me for interrupting, Dick.  Bobby, that's such a smart comment that I can't help but wonder if you aren't a lot smarter than we thought?   Maybe a lot smarter than you let on?  Maybe you are one of them smart people.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Willis, that reply was so smart that it's YOU who has to be one of them.  Dr. Bigohm, I think Willis is actually smart.  He should be removed from the Committee.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Now, Bobby, Willis isn't that smart.  I have his IQ tests right here, and you are actually one tenth of a point smarter than he is.

Dr. Willis Watless:  See!  Dr. Bigohm, you should throw Dr. Brownout off the committee.  He's too smart.  He's making me feel inadequate!

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I'm not smarter.  I know I'm not.  I think Willis got his lower score by cheating!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. BIGOHM, GET YOUR COMMITTEE UNDER CONTROL.  DRS. WATLESS AND BROWNOUT, YOU KNOW THE RULES.  NO MEMBER OF A LIE COMMITTEE CAN BE REMOVED UNLESS HE, SHE, OR IT  IS AT LEAST ONE STANDARD DEVIATION SMARTER THAN THE GROUP AVERAGE.  YOU MAY BE SURE THAT ANYONE THAT INTELLIGENT WOULD HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED FROM ANY LIE COMMITTEE.

     IN THE MEANTIME, WE HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT.  POWER COMPANIES ARE WORRIED THAT PEOPLE MIGHT REPLACE THEIR LIGHT BULBS WITH LIGHT EMITTING DIODES.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Now, that's reel seeryus.  Those little LEDs don't use hardly any 'lectricity a'tall.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  It's worse than that, Dick.  They use so little power that even a small windmill or solar cell array can supply all the power they need, with a few truck batteries for storage.  

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  This is very disturbing.  The field beasts could cut their power bills way down!

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  It's worse than that.  They could cut themselves off from the meter!  They could avoid taxes!  They could go off-line!

Dr.  Willis Watless:  They could eliminate paying utility taxes?  I never thought of that! We have to stop them!  What can we do?  What?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wal, it ain't as bad as all that.  They'll still need a lot of power for their teevees, refrigeraters, 'n computers.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Maybe not, Dick.  If they used super-insulated refrigerators that ran on 12 or 24 volt systems. they wouldn't need much power for food storage. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That's true.  And, they could run their washers 'n dryers on natchural gas.  They could go off-line!  Damn field beasts.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  You know what I heard?  I heard that some smart field beast had invented "closet dryers".

Dr. Willis Watless:  Do people in the closet need to be dry?

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Willis, maybe you are as dumb as you claim.  "Closet dryers" are places where people can hang their clothes after they're washed.  Drying clothes takes a huge amount of power.  If they hang freshly washed clothes in cedar-scented closet dryers, they may take a day to dry, but only use a light bulb's worth of power.  "Dresser dryers" do the same thing with small articles of clothing.

Dr. Willis Watless:  I get it.  You know, they could run their chimneys through the Closet Dryers, and use waste heat from their furnaces and hot water heaters to dry them!  Hope the field beasts don't hear about that!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  My Baal!  That's awful.  Using electric dryers generates billions and billions of dollars worth of fees and taxes.  If the smarter field beasts are able to avoid dryers by using "closet dryers" and "dresser dryers" , all our clients will lose.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think these here closet dryers put another cash flow at risk.  Them real hot dryers tumblin' 'round 'n 'round wear out people's clothes faster.  "Closet drying" will let their clothes last a lot longer.  We don' want field beasts savin' money.  Plus, it saves the field beasts a lot o' time.  Clothes go straight from the washin' machine to the closet or dresser.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  We need lies!  They have to be convinced that not using dryers is dangerous.  It's wrong, it's just plain un-American to be independent.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  That's right!  When we were chanting "power to the people" we didn't mean that they should actually have the right to generate or save their own power!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THIS SUB-COMMITTEE HAS BROUGHT TO LIGHT A FANTASTIC FUTURE BILLING OPPORTUNITY.  POWER COMPANIES WILL BE SURE TO PAY FOR LIES TO STOP 'CLOSET DRYERS' AND 'CLOSET DRESSERS' FROM BEING USED.  CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS WILL PAY US FOR LIES TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO KEEP USING DRYERS THAT WEAR THEIR CLOTHING OUT MORE QUICKLY.

IN THE MEANTIME, PLEASE FOCUS ON LIES ABOUT LEDs.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah plum' fergot.  LED lighting is efficient, cheap, and don't take up hardly any space a'tall.  How we gonna lie that away?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  It's a challenge.  Let's say something like "LED wavelengths are more dangeous than wavelengths from regular electric lights because their wavelengths may cause the otoliths in the inner ear to explode.  Great pain and hearing loss appear to be nearly certain to follow."

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Brenda, that's a great start.  Do you think the same field beasts who are blasted at rock concerts by amplifiers as big as school busses will believe it?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Sure.  We tell them that the damage is caused by the wavelength, not the volume of sound.

Dr. Willis Watless:  That's totally untrue.  They'll buy it.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  They sure will.  A video short of people in a rock concert able to hear each other whisper will be followed by an LED user asking "What are they playing?" while a 200 piece brass band plays "When the Saints Go Marching In" at maximum volume.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I've got a good one!  Let's add onto Brenda's exploding inner ear lie with "Sinus cavities are natural resonators for wavelengths generated by LEDs.  The sinus cavities heat-up, just like the inner ear, and may be permanently damaged.  Mucuous secretions may be permanently changed in color and odor."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Oh, Bobby!  That's magnificent.  Your lies haven't even the slightest element of truth in them, but they sound so true!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all are fergettin' one of our oldest lies.  "Light Emitting Diodes may Hurt The Children".  Ah think they'll believe that "LED light may damage the unusually sensitive retinas of infants.  This is the sort of thing we can't take a chance with."  Let's tell the fools, "Iffin y'all value your baby's eyesight, then don't use LEDs."

Dr. Walter Weasell:  I think we've come up with good lies about Light Emitting Diodes.  Now, let's look at the "good taste" angle.  "Americans have billions of dollars invested in tasteful lighting.  These disturbing LEDs make our beautiful lamps and shades look out-dated.  We all know that there's nothing as nice as attractive, traditional lighting fixtures."

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Let's show some huts, Indonesia or somewhere, that are prime examples of sheer squalor, and show how their inhabitants use LEDs to process drugs.  Equate them with both crime, disease, and poverty.  Tell the fools that murderers and child molesters prefer sneaking into homes with LEDs because they aren't bright enough to deter them.  Lots of possibilities.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. PEEDYMETER, WE'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THESE POSSIBILITIES ARE.  ANY PROFESSOR CAN RECITE "LOTS OF POSSIBILITIES".  YOU ARE A PROFESSONIAL LIAR.  YOU KNOW THAT OUR CLIENTS WANT GOOD, SOLID, SIMPLE LIES THAT CAN BE EASILY MEMORIZED AND RECITED BY NEWS-SPEWERS AND TAKEN IN BY THE FIELD BEASTS.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  My sincerest apologies.  Specific lies are:  "The low lighting levels provided by LEDs make it easy for criminal assaults of all kinds.  Studies show that hardened criminals have learned to fear bright light, but have no fear at all of LED lighting because of its low intensity."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got a good one!  Let's tell 'em that LEDs' low level lightin' causes people to make mistakes.  Show an operating room bein' lit up by a tiny LED fixture, 'n have a team of doctors mistakenly takin' out somebody's eye 'stead of an ingrown bunion or sum'thin'.  Scare the bejabbers out of 'em.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That's a good approach!  And, we could tell the fools that LED light keeps them from seeing "natural colors".

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Bobby, flourescent light bulbs don't exactly show "natural colors", and the fools buy them just because they're cheaper to use.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Yeah, Bobby.  Your bright idea might have sunk us into unbelievability.  What good's a lie that's not believable?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Now, now, Willis.  I'm sure that Bobby thought he had a good idea, and there are places where even field beasts won't use flourescent bulbs, like in their bedrooms and living rooms.

Dr. Bobby Brownout;  That's right, Willis.  My lie was good for some areas of the home.  I'm sorry that I didn't make that clear.

Dr. Willis Watless:  You didn't make it clear because you never thought of it.  Thank goodness that Dr. Bigohm is here to catch your mistakes.  

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  I've had a wonderful idea.  Let's tell the fools that some very light-skinned white people are making their children swallow red and greed LEDs and using their kids for Christmas decorations.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, would that work?  I mean, it would be a nice touch.  And, for party decorations, too.  You know, a bunch of lit-up albinos serving drinks, holding flowers, or pretending to be statues would be a nice touch for a big party.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd like to get me a dozen or so.  Have to be reely white.  Mebbe we could get Cleanfleece to pick up some little Lapplander kids.  They's pract'cly albinos.  Ought to light up real good.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Stop it, you guys.  I'm not serious. 

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I am, Timmy.  My son, Baxter, and his boyfriend are solemnizing their deep commitment to each other next month.  The party is at our beach house, and I think it's a marvelous idea.  The guests would love to see some lit-up little boys.

Dr. Timmy Peedymete:  We could say that it was "an ancient Teutonic custom."

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  The nice thing about Timmy's idea is that we get to demonize both Christmas and cheapen white people.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's right.  Darker skin'd keep the light from shinin' through. 

Dr. Willis Watless:  Then, we get to offer the usual leftists an opportunity to complain.  That should be worth something.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR CLIENT IS REVIEWING YOUR LIES.  THEY DO NOT SEE ANY PROFIT POTENTIAL IN YOUR LIES ABOUT TURNING VERY LIGHT-SKINNED CHILDREN INTO LIGHT-UP ORNAMENTS, BUT DO SEE PROFITABLE OPPORTUNITIES WITH YOUR OTHER LIES.

CLIENT RESEARCH INDICATES THAT THE FOOLS WILL BELIEVE BIO-FUEL LIES.  BIO-FUEL TAX POLICIES ALLOW CLIENTS TO SPEND TWO DOLLARS TO OBTAIN ONE DOLLAR'S WORTH OF ENERGY.  THEY NEED LIES!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I have a whole file of bio-fuel lies from the sixties. It's right next to my folder of shale-oil lies from the nineteen-fifties. 

Dr. Willis Watless: Bio-fuel, syn-fuel.  It takes more energy to produce than it gives off.  It's completely insane.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  We all know that, Willis.  Only a moron would think it was a good idea to burn a 1,600 BTUs to make 1,000 BTUs, but the clients think there's money in it. 

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Oh, yes.  Big money.  Tax money.  An obvious lie is to raise taxes on gasoline to fund the bio-fuel.  Make the fools pay twice.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Make 'em pay three or four times!  Make 'em pay for special injectors, fuel pumps, and gas lines that the bio-fuels can dissolve.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah say they's real oppurtunity here!  We kin make 'em pay fo' whole new gas stations!  Big, new tanks, fuel lines, gas pumps, all sorts of special, 'spensive equipment that'll have to be junked as soon as the economy dips 'n reality hits!

Dr. Willis Watless:  It's amazing!  The fools are too stupid to want power companies to build breeder reactors that run for basically nothing and can fuel everything, even charging batteries for electric cars.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Willis, I'm glad you brought that up.  We may need lies to counteract what the smarter fools are sure to think of.  Breeder reactors would slash power bills and leave each field beast with several thousand extra dollars to spend every year of its worthless life.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Breeder reactors?

Dr. Willis Watless:  They basically go on forever.  Need a couple of people standing around to make the fools think it needs to be watched, but it's all completely automatable.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Then, they could have basically free power?

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That's absolutely frightening.  Why, they'd have more disposable income, and our clients would all go broke.  Or, have to cut their salaries.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  We can't have that!   Do we have any lies on file?

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  The usual ones about Chernobyl.  You know, that twenty million people were killed.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  And, the fools believe it.  Actually, about fifteen people died, and they were mostly blind drunk.  Run over by evacuation vehicles.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Thank Baal for Russian alcoholics.  They provide corpses to blame on what needs to be blamed.  Quite nice of them, really.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank we need som' more lies.  Do the fools still think that storing "deadly nuclear waste" is a problem?

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  They do!  We've kept the fools from understanding that the uranium was radioactive when it came out of the ground, some of the energy was used, and what's going back can be put safely away.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I never understood why they just couldn't put the used uranium back in the mine that it came from?  There's only a few dozen carloads of the stuff, and if they put it back where it came from, what difference would it make?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, that's the sort of thinking that can get us into trouble.  Please stop making sense.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've said it a'fore, 'n Ah'll say it agin', the fools deserve what we're doin' to 'em.  Ah do thank we need a lie, 'n Ah'd lak to sugges':  "When nuclear waste is transported by rail, the trainloads of highly radioactive material may leave a 'dead zone' five miles wide along the track."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Five miles altogether, or five miles on each side of the track?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd guess that some scientists would estimate that it was five miles on each side of the tracks.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  That means we can make the train crews all wear silly costumes!  Let's make 'em all dress up like Darth Vader, and wear coveralls made out of lead.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  What about the wind?  We can tell the fools that "On a windless day, a 'death strip' ten miles wide is caused by escaping radiation.  On windy days, the death strip extends as much as ten miles downwind."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, I love "death strip". 

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Do you think "Strip of death" sounds more dramatic?

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Even better.  "Strip of death" sounds more ominous.  "Death strip" could mean a small mall going out of business.  Which it would, if it was in the Strip of Death.

Dr. Willis Watless:  We had a lot of the fools convinced that storing radioactive materials was hazardous.  Some of them don't believe it.  Thank Baal there's "precious groundwater".   A lie like:  "When precious groundwater is exposed to high levels of radiation, death and disease can travel underground at speeds of ten to twelve miles an hour.", or however fast we can convince them groundwater travels.  Maybe fifty miles an hour, downhill.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak that!  "N, it gives us an excuse to keep the fools frum drillin' wells.  It's a great excuse to keep 'em connected to water meters 'n high taxes.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Oh, Dick!  You've tied it all together!  Brilliant!  Why, it's like a Unified Field Theory of Environmental Concern! 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THESE LIES WILL HELP JUSTIFY EXPENSIVE BIO-FUELS RATHER THAN GIVE THEM FREE POWER FROM BREEDER REACTORS.  WE HAVE A NEW PROJECT.  CLIENTS REPORT THAT FIELD BEASTS ARE PUMPING WATER OUT OF THE GROUND, USING ITS HEAT, AND PUMPING IT BACK INTO THE GROUND.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'll bet our gas comp'ny clients hate that!  Why, the fools are gettin' free heat, 'n our clients are gettin' smaller checks.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Help me understand.  There is water under the ground, right?  They drill a hole, it fills up with water, and they pump it into their house.  They take the heat out of it, and let it run down another hole.  How do they get the heat out?

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  No one really knows.  It's like they run water through a refrigerator backwards, or something.  At any rate, it works.  They call them 'heat pumps'.

Dr. Willis Watless:  I don't understand how they work, either.  Probably have to be a nuclear engineer, or something.  But, I do know that changing the temperature of water should be illegal.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Oh, it is.  We just can't find all the people using heat pumps.  Once they put the equipment in place, it runs for years.  All over the world, precious worms and grubs may be freezing to death.  Ants.  I don't know how they survive.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  You know, we spend a lot of money talking about "the delicate balance of nature it takes to keep amphibians thriving".  Changing any water temperature has to destroy millions of amphibians.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Bullfrogs are dropping like flies!  I can see it, now.  Lots of pictures of oddly colored toads and frogs, lots of fancy graphs that show how they're disappearing, and how malaria is increasing, and a concluding sentence:  "People think they're saving money with 'heat pumps', but the real cost has to include damage to invaluable and delicate amphibians."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Oh, that's good!

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Let's get a video of a brightly colored frog rolling its eyes back and dying.  Its colors fade.  The usual intonator recites solemnly:  "Another death caused by a rich American caring more about his SUV than about our world."  And, I love the way you blame malaria on rich, white Americans, rather than on our side taking away DDT.  Brilliant, Bobby.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It is, Bobby!  Ya'll had a mighty good idea, too, Brenda!  Make sure the announcer, Ah calls 'em 'Intonators of Doom', has a slight foreign aksent and a deep voice.  'N make sure he mispronounces a lot of the words.  A lot of the fools think that people they cain't unnerstan' are smart enuf to be respected.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Another coup for Public Television.  Its steady parade of pretentious jerks has done as much to dumb people down as Public Education.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  And, cheaper, too!  Why, we can spew lies on public television faster and cheaper than a million Marxists in public education.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Public television lies go straight to the people we're trying to confuse and misdirect.  No wasted time going through a lot of useless "teachers".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Some o' them dam' teachers ahr still tryin' ter teach the l'il bastards how ter read and write.  None of that on Public Television.  Jes' a lot of kids bein' made to think it's OK to live in garbage cans, lak Burt 'n Urnie.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We're getting off the subject.  We have to stop the fools from utilizing the heat that they somehow "pump" out of groundwater.

Dr. Willis Watless:  How about this?  "Heat pumps cause unnaturally rapid cooling when they pump colder water back into precious aquifers. . .

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm mighty sorry fo' inter'uptin', but Ah want to congratulate you on puttin' 'precious' next to 'aquifers'.  Ah don't thank that's ever been done befo'.  Brilliant!

Dr. Willis Watless:  Thank you, Dick.  Anyway, "When unnaturally cold water is pumped into precious aquifers, the sudden temperature drop may cause cracks in the earth's vital crust.  Huge canyons can appear, wiping out all manner of precious life-forms."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Willis, that's wonderful!  We'll get our friends at Public Television, why, we were just talking about them, to get some shots of the Grand Canyon, superimpose some photos of Chicago, and show how rapidly forming crustal cracks can destroy whole cities in the blinking of an eye.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Those crustal cracks can cause volcanic eruptions!  Entire nations can be buried in molten lava!  Everyone on earth is only seconds away from unexpected death, because a few selfish people tried to steal heat from the very earth we live on.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank it's a wonnerful, wonnerful lie!  Let's have them show the Great Lakes drainin' right through Chicago.  Have a few of Chicago's landmark buildin's washin' up in New Awleens.

Dr. Willis Watless:  And, show millions of computer-generated pictures with cars bobbing around in the Gulf of Mexico.  All of 'em with Illinois license plates. 

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  This is the most preposterous lie we've ever invented.  Surely, they'll know we are lying?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  If we can get Al Gore to narrate it, half the people on the left side of the bell curve will write letters demanding that we put an end to the "dangers caused by selfish, wealthy homeowners" who want to "make Mother Earth as cold as their hearts."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Good copy, Brenda!  "Makin' Mother Earth as cold as their hearts.", why, that's sheer po'try.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Well, if we get Al Gore to narrate, we will get most of the fools believing us, demonstrating, writing letters to Congressoids. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Amazin' thing is that those kind of bozos can write.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I've seen some of their letters.  Large, illegible scrawls.  Baal, but they're dumb.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THE SMARTER FIELD BEASTS ARE DEMANDING THAT WE USE MORE NUCLEAR POWER.  THAT MAY CAUSE OUR MIDDLE-EASTERN CLIENTS TO LOSE OIL SALES.  WE NEED LIES AS TO WHY WE DO NOT NEED MORE POWER THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  That makes sense.  If we have more power, prices will go down.  With less power, prices go up.  So, we need lies to get people from wanting more power.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  They use a lot of hot water.  Too much.  Let's tell the fools that "Hot water is bad for you."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that'll work.  Hot water prob'ly is bad fer 'em.  Gets 'em cleaner'n people like that need ter be.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  It would be fun to make them give up their water heaters.  That would save a lot of energy, and still keep prices high.  And, it will make them dirtier, sicker, and more miserable.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I hate to repeat myself, but it's a great Public Television project.  "How much is too much?", and show a lot of wrinkly people, all of them blaming their wrinkles on "too much hot water when I was younger".

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Then, we get a bunch of sixteen year olds, dress 'em in old people clothes, and say "We didn't use hot water when we were younger.  It shows."

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  Let's use foreigners who didn't have hot water.  Make a lot of primitive cultures out to be "basically, better than high-tech societies, like ours".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Public TeeVeers like thinkin' that primitives are lots better'n us.  They'll buy into that quicker'n worryin' 'bout how many primitives'll die cause they ain't got no antybiotics.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  National Geographic readers think that way, too.  They are so delightfully dumb!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Let's not even leave them enough hot water to wash their medical implements.  Baal, but people who are dumb enough to believe us deserve to die.  Deserve to die!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah know it!  Ah'll betcha that in six months, we make hot water usage drop by half.  Just drone on 'n on about it.  "Hot water ruwins yer skin, hot water ruwins yer clothes, hot water makes yer hair fall out, hot water makes ya fat, hot water cracks yer dishes, hot water makes ya stee-rile, hot water causes cancer, hot water hurts the finish on yer car.  Let's make hot water into a curse.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  What if some of them worry about sanitation? I can picture some of them whining:  "How will I get my dishes clean and safe to use without hot water?"

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Why should field beasts have dishes?  They have fingers.  Every fifty or hundred of them just need a cooking pot.  The question is, do they need to cook?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  What about us?  If we take hot water away, how will we take hot showers?  Wash our clothes?  

Dr.  Willis Watless:  We'll have to have exemptions.  Important workers can't be interrupted by change.  We have to stay focused.  We require hot water, bad as it is, to avoid being distracted.  We'll make that sacrifice willingly to help our fellow citizens.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  This is a good way to remind the field beasts of their place in life.  They aren't worth the energy for either their clothes or bodies to be kept clean.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Come to think of it, why do they even need clothes?  I mean, we could issue some sort of uniform that would be much cheaper than letting them buy and wear what they want.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that's an absolutely wonnerful notion!  We could make 'em wash their new uniforms, mebbe we should call 'em "Pipplecovers" in state laundrymats.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We could put state laundromats in the public schools!  That'd be the only place they could get access to hot water or soap.  Brings us closer to state barracks and state dining rooms. 

Dr. Willis Watless:  Brenda, that's truly brilliant!  Hot water is too dangerous to let the fools have in their houses.  Every day, millions of babies and old people run the risk of being boiled alive.  Only certified dispensers should be allowed to use hot water.  Public schools are the perfect place.

Dr. Walter Weasell:  We could bus them to the schools at night for appointed wash-times.  That would save even more energy.  When the field beasts come home from work, we'll bus 'em to the farthest school.

Dr. Willis Watless:  If they behave well, we could let them take hot showers!  We'd have good attendance for short talks about the environment.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Hell's fire, Willis, we could have 'em listen to long talks 'bout all kinds of mindless drivel.  Get an Al Gore cardboard cutout, have the fools sqeeeze into teeny li'l desks, 'n listen to recordings of Al on various subjects while they're starin' at the cardboard cutout.  Four or five hours at a whack!

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Why let 'em sit down? 

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  They'll have to listen, if they want hot water!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  If they try to leave early, they can't get a permit for their next shower!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Iffin they try to leave early, they should be shot!

Dr. Willis Watless:  While they're at the shower/lecture/wash, we could have inspectors ransack their houses!  Make sure there's no contraband.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  If they have heat pumps, we can destroy them!  If they have any kind of energy-saving device, we can confiscate them!  We'll fix 'em good!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We are making progress!

Dr. Willis Watless:  We certainly are.  I have a suggestion about their clothes.  Uniforms were suggested.  I think we should limit their apparel to whatever they can make out of old grocery bags and duct tape.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Plastic, or paper?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I think paper would be more environmentally sound.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  But, iffin they have to eat at the school cafeteria, where'll the fools get grocery bags?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  That sounds like a problem they'll have to work out among themselves.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  If they have to come to the schools to shower, they might as well eat there.  Why couldn't they just sleep in the gyms and classrooms?  Their houses are environmentally wasteful.  If the field beasts just lived in the schools, they'd save lots of energy. 

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Then, we could give their houses to incoming immigrants.  Tell 'em "You're livin' the American dream!"  After each election, we cram those immigrants into the schools, 'n give the houses to even newer immigrants, 'n tell 'em, "You're living the American dream!"

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah sees where y'all are goin'.  Iffin they shower at the school, 'n eat at the school, 'n sleep at the school, why do the field beasts even need clothes 'n houses?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Exactly!  Who cares if the accursed fools just walk around naked?  The bashful ones can rub mud on themselves.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  They won't need cars, houses, or clothes!  We'll reduce energy consumption, make their miserable lives vastly more efficient, get them forced to participate in school activities, why, we'll have Heaven on earth!  Year-'round, life-long education in the glorious public schools!

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  What about beds?  Where, exactly, will they sleep?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank they could be usin' the schools' tumblin' mats.  Put one on the floor, put another on top of 'em, and weight 'em down so they don' waste energy rollin' 'round.

Dr. Willis Watless:  No reason that they couldn't sleep at the classroom desks.  That's what most of the l'il bastards do all day, anyway.   Might as well let 'em get really good at it.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  How would we start?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  We should start the next time there's a disaster we can mess up.  A Hurricane like Katrina would be perfect.  If those officials were just a little bit smarter, those people could have been bussed to the nearest intact school.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They'd be thar still!

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Think how much happier they'll be, knowing that they've reduced their energy uses to a "sustainable" level.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah hate waitin' for this.  Iffen we don' have any nachural disasters to get School Livin' goin', mebbe we could make some.  Blow up sum dams, ur sum'thin'.  Ah thank furrest 'fires 'ud help.  We could burn out a coupla' towns 'n see how "School Livin'" worked out.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  "School Living".  Has a nice sound.  Or, "School, a lifetime adventure."

Dr.  Willis Watless:  "Your public school, a lifetime adventure in learning." would be good.  Make 'em think that the schools actually belong to them, that living in them will be an adventure, and that they'll learn something.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  I like putting 'your' in front of public schools, it's such a great lie, but let's be more inclusive.  "Your public school, a lifetime adventure in learning and living."

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  That has a nice ring to it.  Adding "and living" let's 'em know that it's really important.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Sounds like all we need is a nice, medium-sized disaster and we can put a program in place.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE WANT TO SEE A BETTER, SHORTER NAME FOR THIS PROGRAM.  WE FEEL THAT YOU HAVE DEVELOPED AN IDEAL TRANSITION AWAY FROM THE WASTE OF PRIVATE DWELLINGS TO THE EFFICIENCY OF GROUP LIVING.  IT IS GOING TO BE A HARD SELL.  MANY OF THE FIELD BEASTS BELIEVE THAT THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR LIVING SPACES.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I didn't know that!  To think they'd actually be attached to their wretched little hovels!  If they're that stupid, why do we bother with them?

Dr. Walter Weasell:  We really don't have anyone else to bother with.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  That's true.  It's not really that much fun to torment animals.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd like to blow up a dam, flood out a big valley, 'n get this project started. 

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I grew up near the Allegheny River.  There's a big dam on it.  If we had some Cleanfleece explosive experts go to Warren, in-the-middle-of-nowhere, Pennsylvania, and blow it up, a dozen little towns down the river would be wiped out.  Lot's of people'd be glad to be "school-livin'".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It 'bout time!  We can acshually get started on this here "school-livin'.  How much'll the Cleanfleecers charge us?

Dr.  Willis Watless:  I spoke to their agent.  He's working on a multi-media deal.  It's a hydro-electric dam, so the Ay-rab oil interests will pay him a million dollars for blowin' it up.  On top of that, insurance companies'll be able to raise rates all over the Northeast.  They'll pay him another million.  Big unions'll have big projects rebuildin' washed out roads and bridges.  They've agreed to pay two million, and two big construction companies will match it. 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  BILLING DETAILS ARE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.  SUB-COMMITTEES ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY ASPECT OF THE BILLING PROCESS.  HAVE ALL BILLING INFORMATION FORWARDED TO US IMMEDIATELY.  FOCUS ON LIES THAT YOU WILL NEED FOR THE FIELD BEASTS DISLOCATED BY THE FLOOD AND LEAVE PAYMENT DETAILS TO US.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We are all very sorry for having overstepped our boundaries.  All information has been forwarded.  Our sole desire was to be of service and present you with a complete plan.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mah question is, do we let 'em know when the dam breaks, or jes' let 'er rip?

Dr. Willis Watless:  That's a very hard question.  If we do it at night, and don't tell them, most of 'em will die and we won't have to worry 'bout 'em.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  But, if there's only a few survivors, they might rather go live with relatives than be crammed into a local school.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  There's a problem with that, Dr. Brownout.  If we give them too much warning, they might get into their cars and drive away.  They might never come back. 

Dr.  Willis Watless:  This is a very difficult situation.  Ideally, we want several thousand field beasts in every town along the river crammed into their schools.  We don't want them leaving. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got an idea!  Let's have a bunch of "commun'ty meet'ns" in the local schools.  We'll tell the fools that they gotten to get to the meetin' or else, we'll be flattenin' their house fer 'Watershed Pertecshun'.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Great idea, Dick.  They'll all have to show up.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Dick, that's brilliant!  And, when they're all inside the schools, Cleanfleece blows up the dam.  When they come out, their town's'll be gone.  Washed clean away!  And, we'll cleverly have "emergency supplies" already on hand in every school building.  They'll congratulate us on our "brilliant foresight" even while we're crammin' 'em right into the classrooms.

Dr. Willis Watless:  How will we keep them there?  Some of them may try to escape.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  We'll quarantine the areas.  Tell the fools that "Deadly, deep-water germs have been discovered in recent floodwater".  They'll be required to "stay where they are" until we get an "all-clear" from "certified medical personnel."

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  What if there were no floods?

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  Then, we'll tell 'em that recent droughts have brought new, deadly microscopic life-forms into being.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They'll believe either one.  Heck, Ah'd believe either one.   Makes reel good sense.  Take weeks, mebbe months, fer final clearance to let 'em get back to their houses.   By that time, we'll have 'em so drugged they'll have fergotten they ever had houses.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Even better!  It gives us a chance to burn down all the houses that weren't washed away!  If the fools remember they even had houses, we'll tell 'em, "Deep-water microbial contamination was so bad that the only way we could help was to be sure that every building was cleanly burned to the ground.  It was the only thing we could do to guarantee the health and welfare of every citizen."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  "The only thang we could do!"  Tha's amazin'!  'N it'll work, too.  The fools'll believe it.  You'll see!

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  At last!  We'll get the field beasts out of their own dwellings and into the public schools.  Full time.

Dr. Willis Watless:  Finally!  Progress!  I feel like we're finally getting somewhere!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah got one qweschun.  Iffin we burn down all their houses, how we gonna get the fools to pay prop'ty tax?  How we gonna get any money outen 'em?

Transcriber note:  A silence of nearly six minutes followed Dr. Dudewell's question. 

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I don't know how to say this, but we may have gone too far.  Unless, of course, we want to, well, I might as well say it, we can either enslave them or kill them.  That's all we can do.

Dr. Timmy Peedymeter:  We have no choice.  I vote for enslavement.  We already have quarters for them, in the schools.  All we need is to keep them there.  The energy we'll save!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  IT IS NOT IN THE PURVIEW OF YOUR ASSIGNMENT TO SET SCHEDULES FOR EITHER ENSLAVEMENT OR MASS MURDER.  WE CONTINUE TO COUNT ON YOU TO DEVELOP LIES TO JUSTIFY THESE THINGS WHEN THE RIGHT TIME COMES. 

YOU DO HAVE AUTHORIZATION TO REMOVE THE DAM, BEING VERY CAREFUL, OF COURSE, TO BE SURE THAT ALL MONEY RECEIVED IS FORWARDED TO THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.

WE SUGGEST THAT YOU USE YOUR 'SCHOOL LIVING' PROGRAM ON A TEMPORARY BASIS.  KEEP THE FOOLS IN THE SCHOOLS FOR A FEW WEEKS.  THEN, ALLOW THEM TO RETURN TO THEIR HOMES.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal!  Ah'd say we's doin' purty good!  We gets the Cleanfleece guy to mebbe split fifty, sixty percent wiffin us, so's we kin make a reel big payment to THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE, 'n there may be a leetle lef' over fer a bonus.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  That could work out very well.

Dr. Willis Watless:  I think so, too.  I'll give the Cleanfleece agent a call tonight to see what his actual charges would be.  We should clear several million dollars on this.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Does that include rebuilding the towns?  Smaller contractors might pay us a good bit.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  And, there's a lot of money in rebuilding the utilities.  Power lines, sewers, water treatment plants.  Destroying the middle Allegheny River valley could make us a lot of money.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Pain and suffering.  There has to be a lot of pain and suffering.  There'll be lawyers crawling out of every nook and cranny.  Who's going to pay for all of this?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Insurance companies.  Power companies.  Lots of big, deep pockets full of money.  Every penny taken from miserable field beasts.  We're going to do very well out of this.  Willis, how much will the Cleanfleece demolitions expert charge us?

Dr. Willis Watless:  I think he'll blow the dam for a million, cold cash.  We'll set it up so he splits with us, rather than with Cleanfleece.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Won' the folks at Cleanfleece be mad iffin they find out?

Dr. Willis Watless:  No.  Cleanfleece encourages its experts to make their own deals.  They have to pay their expenses, of course, but Cleanfleece is directly financed by all the big companies who have high-tech competitors to control.  They mostly worry about having someone around to blow up things when they're needed. 

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  After the dam is blown, then all the survivors are herded into the schools.  They stay there for four to six weeks, then we let them go home, if they have homes.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  And, we see how many we can convince to keep living in the schools.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  REVIEW OF YOUR PROPOSALS IS NOW COMPLETE.  REGRETFULLY, YOUR PLANS TO BLOW UP THE A DAM ON THE ALLEGHENY RIVER HAVE TO BE PUT ON HOLD.  CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU MAY DISRUPT PLANS FOR MASS TRANSIT TO REPLACE INDIVIDUALLY DRIVEN VEHICLES.

OUR CLIENT NOW NEEDS LIES TO JUSTIFY OUTLAWING INDIVIDUAL VEHICLES IN ANY TOWN OR CITY WITH MASS TRANSIT.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  The only people who should be allowed to drive cars into urban areas are government officials on important business.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  That's exactly right, Bobby.  Those useless field beasts have to stop driving around like they've got something important to do.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah jes' get plum' sick to mah stomack when Ah see them 'spressways full o' cars comin' 'n goin'.  Them pipples shuld all be ridin' in busses.  Trains.  Cattle trucks.  Drivin's too gud fer 'em.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Exactly right.  No need for them to be driving around.  Using precious fossil fuel, taking up valuable urban space to park.  Letting them drive around is very bad for the earth. 

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  And, it's bad for people.  All those emissions of carbon monoxide, why that's a deadly poison, and it's coming right out their exhaust pipes every time they turn on their engines.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Walter, that's a very good point.  We've made the fools worry about all kinds of imaginary atmospheric problems.  The dumber ones worry about ozone, second hand smoke, carbon dioxide, particulate exudations from plastics, but we've never gotten any of them to worry about carbon monoxide, a real poison.  Why?

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  I've been running this commitee for years, and I don't know.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  SOME OF OUR EARLIEST CLIENTS WERE AUTOMOBILE MANUFACTURERS.  WE ARE ON RETAINER WITH THEM AND ARE THEREFORE UNABLE TO DISSEMINATE ACCURATE INFORMATION ABOUT THE DEADLY NATURE OF CARBON MONOXIDE.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  Thanks very much for the explanation.  So, we don't talk about real poison gas on any newsspewing medium, only about fake poison gas, like ozone and carbon dioxide.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  So, we have to channel commuters onto public transit without talking about how cars produce carbon monoxide?   I hate this!  I mean, carbon monoxide is a real poison, and we can't talk about it!

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  What's the matter, Timmy?  You want to tell the truth, all of a sudden?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Well, I'd like to be able to use just a little of it.  It makes the lies so much better.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Timmy, using truth to bamboozle field beasts is like shooting fish in a barrel.  Of course we could take a car, park it in a barn, and film all the animals dying as it ran for a couple of hours.  But, we're artists.  We have to make harmless things like ozone into imaginary killers. 

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I know.  It's just that, well, for once I'd like to be able to put a little bit of truth in what we do.  Just to make it more believable.  But, I understand.  The real challenge is to hide the real truth about real dangers while we make things that are completely harmless seem dangerous.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wal, 'course that's what we do.  'N we do it better'n anybody.  Why, even Commies cain't lie as good as us'n.

Dr. Bobby Brownout:  I should say not!  Poor, foolish Communists just had one or really big lies.  When they fell apart, there was nothing left except some slave-produced oil, gas, and minerals they could sell.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  We run our society on thousands and thousands of little lies.  When the fools focus on one long enough to see the fraud, we just switch to another.  That's the beauty of capitalism and democracy.  Lies for everyone.  Lies for every human activity.  

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  And, we make all the field beasts tell the truth.  You know, the fools have to honor their contracts and not lie under oath.  Not like us.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  We make the fools tell the truth.  If they lie, we fine 'em and put 'em in jail.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  But us?  Hah!  Exactly the opposite.  If we tell the truth, we're out of a job.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:   We've had about all the deep thinking I can handle.  It's time we got back to work.  We need lies, good lies, to get the field beasts out of their cars and into our buses and trains.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  I think we should remember Dr. Dudewell's suggestion about using cattle cars.  Why should they be allowed to sit down?  If we cram them in tightly enough, they won't be able to fall over.  So, why waste money on seats?

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  How do we cram them in that tightly?  Hydraulic rams?

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Cattle prods are cheaper.  Make them supply the energy to cram themselves in.  Have to be careful not make 'em suffocate themselves, of course, but staff'll find some formulas. 

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm mit'ey gratified thachu thought enuf of my idea to 'member it, Dr. Brownout.  Ah thank it has sum merit, 'pecially since we culd get movin' wif it tomorry.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  I think that we could get them crammed into cattle trucks more easily in warm weather.  But, in winter, they might freeze to death.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  So?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Well, I don't want my maid to freeze to death.  If cook froze, who would make my meals?  If laundress froze, who would iron my shirts?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Good point, Dr. Peedymeter.  I certainly don't want my wet nurse freezing to death.  Who'd feed my little Fatima?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  So, iffin we's agreed, we kin put 'em in cattle trucks 'tween what, Easter to Halloween?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Easter! Halloween!  Really, Dick, you know better than that!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Jes' checkin' to see if an'one was payin' tenshun.  Frum May Day to Labur Day, we rides the fools 'n field beasts in cattle trucks.  What 'bout the res' of the yeer?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Let's slow down, a little.  We need some lies so's the fools'll think there's a reason they've got to give up their automobiles and go back and forth to work in cattle trucks.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I don't know if this has ever come up before, maybe someone did suggest it, but I think we should make a big deal of Crustal Deflection.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  'N what in the hail is "Crustal Deeflexshun"?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  When the fools drive millions of cars to work, it causes the crust of the earth to deflect.  The crust under the suburbs goes up, because there's less weight on it, and the crust under the downtown goes down, 'cause all the cars are parked there.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Wow! I had no idea!  How much does it go up and down?

Dr.  Willis Watless:  No one knows.  But, it seems reasonable that it must.  It seems frighteningly reasonable. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah kin almos' feel it movin'.  Y'all know it's movin' 'cause that's whar potholes cum frum.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Dick, that's brilliant!  "That's where potholes come from!" The fools'll love it!  They'll believe it! 

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I suggest calling it "Crustal Deflection".  And, we tell 'em that since it happens at the same time every single day, a huge wave is building up, and that a "tsunami of liquified earth" could wash over any city at any time.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Oh, what a lie!  Oh, what a lie!  It's the best lie I've ever heard! "Buildings will go down like tenpins.  Bridges will collapse.  Whole cities sure to be buried!  Will your city be the first to be buried alive by its own commuters?"  Why, this is better than rogue asteroids, global warming, giant meteors, and planetary infusions of white-hot plasma.  The script almost writes itself.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  And, we tell them that huge eruptions of magma may "Fry millions!"

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Surely, there's not more than one or two of the fools who'll believe this mindless drivel? 

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  They'll believe it, Willis, once we get some celebrities babbling about it.  Half the morons believe anything celebrities tell 'em.  This lie will have charts.  Graphics.  3-D effects that'll be unbelievable.  We'll cram it down their throats, just like Global Warming.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  'N they was dum enuf to believe that! 

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I just thought of a good one!  Let's tell the fools that "An airplane, coming in for what the pilot thinks is going to be a safe landing, could find itself hitting a runway that was suddenly standing on edge because of 'Crustal Deflection'!"

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, I am impressed!  It's a wonderful lie!

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Or, tell 'em that the runway could rise up in the air, like a flapping towel, and come down on top of the airplane, crushing it into dust! 

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Like a huge, concrete fly swatter!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah haf ter say, Ah've been on all the lie committees, 'n Ah've heerd 'bout all the lies thar' is, 'n this 'un takes the cake!  Dr. Peedymeter, Ah takes mah hat off ter yuh, suh!  "Crustal Deflection" is the bes' thang since sliced bred!

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  And, it affects billions of the fools.  Every time any of them moves anything, we'll make them have to wonder "Could this be the straw that broke the camel's back?  Is this the movement that causes the 'earth tsunami'?"

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Make 'em live in fear.  That's one of the best things we can do.  Every day could be the last day for every single one of them, and if they're all destroyed, it'll be the fault of one of 'em doin' something wrong.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak that!  We'll get 'em so scar'd they won' want ter move fas' or stop qwik. Too scared ter jump high 'er land hard.  Ever' activity should be metered.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  The joy of it all!  We'll be able to have them watched. They'll want to be watched!  Every minute.  We'll convince the dumber fools that they actually need someone watching them, just to be sure that no one can cause the dreaded "Crustal Deflection", even by accident.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Every human activity!  Think of the construction monitoring fees we'll be able to generate!  Why, can you imagine what one, single concrete truck does to "Crustal Deflection"?

Dr. Walter Weasell:  Are you filling a swimming pool?  Emptying a swimming pool?  You may be causing 'Crustal Deflection'!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Bathtubs!  Sinks!  Flushing toilets!  "These things might not seem like much in themselves, but, added together, these weight shifts make the ominous promises of "Global Deflection" absolutely inevitable .

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah jes' 'memb'red.  Ah'm on the Lie Committee fer Political Lies, n' they is usin' the pipple commutin' ter wurk as a prob'ble cause of "Planetary Oscillation". 

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  That makes a lot of sense!  I wish we'd thought of it.  Still "Crustal Deflection" is better.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, I'm sure our lies are far better than any that they'll come up with.  Those Political Liars are always behind us.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  But, they have London Ritz-Carleton working for them!  The field beasts just love her!  I've heard that she can make a lie believable to something like fifty million field beasts just by sending herself an e-mail, calling it "confidential", and copying half a dozen publicists.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  We need to have our own staff celebrity!  I'd like to have one that we could rely on to be sure that the fools understood our energy lies more thoroughly.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  I'd love to have our own staff celebrity.  It would certainly make us look more important.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Would a staff celebrity attend our meetings?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Walter, Ah don' thank yu'd wan' no staff 'elebrity at the meetin's.  Cel'brity's air so-o-o-o dum' that we'd be havin' to 'splain ever'thin' three, four times jes' to get 'em to unnerestan'.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  I can put in a request for Staff Celebrity to THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE, but I don't know what kind of funding is available.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that London Ritz-Carleton gits paid about eleben millyun dollars a y'ar at the Polytickal Lies Sub-Committee.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. DUDEWELL, YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO SHARE FISCAL INFORMATION BETWEEN COMMITTEES.  DR. BIGOHM, WE ARE CONTINUING TO EXPLORE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF ASSIGNING EACH LIE COMMITTEE ITS OWN STAFF CELEBRITY.  WE ARE MERELY USING LONDON RITZ-CARLETON AS A TEST.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE NEED NEW LIES.  IT TURNS OUT THAT PEOPLE ARE SAVING RECYCLING FEES BY DUMPING THEIR OLD OIL DOWN OLD OIL WELLS.

Dr. Brenda Bigohm:  We can't have that! 

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  I should say not!  If the fools are able to escape recycling fees, our clients will lose billions!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got ter admit.  It's purty smart of 'em.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  What, exactly, do we say is wrong?  I mean, the oil came out of a hole in the ground.  Now, they're putting the same oil back down the same hole.  How can we say there's something wrong with that?

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  That's right, Willis.  It seems so harmless.  How can we make this into an issue?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  In a way, the fools are recycling.  The only thing wrong is that we don't get any money for what they're doing.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Today, its a very small thing.  Some fool changes the oil in some engine or another, and dumps a couple of gallons down an old oil well.  Soon, big companies may be doing the same thing.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  But, how can we convince even the dumbest fools that there's something dangerous about it?  I mean, if an oil well is a mile or two deep, who cares what's down there?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Bobby, Ah'm ashamed of y'all.   'Course thar's nothin' wrong wiffin dumpin the ahl raht back whar' it came frum.  We got to find som'thin wrong.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Dick is right.  We need a lie.  This is, after all, a "lie" committee.  Our job is to come up with energy and environmental lies.  Now, let's get a good, solid believable lie.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  I can't think of one.  I mean, if they've pulled, oh, a hundred thousand swimming pools full of oil out of some hole, and now they want to put some back, they could say they were "stabilizing things".

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  They could say "We're giving something back."  Oh, how I love it when the fools applaud someone saying "I want to give something back.", and never notice when he makes another few billion.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Will the fools believe:  "Injecting oil into the earth may cause disequilibrium from which volcanos and earthquakes are sure to follow."

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  That's good, Brenda.  That's very good.  But, won't the fools just say:  We are balancing out our previous imbalance before it has a chance to cause damage."

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  This is hard.  Very hard.  Ah thank this ee'r is the biggust, mos' complicated lie Ah evah hurd of.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Well, we better get cracking!  It won't be long until some fool or another is grinding up city garbage, mixing it with sewage sludge, and pumping it underground "to stabilize the strata". 

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  We have to stop them!  The field beasts will save billions!  They'll have virtually free garbage disposal!  You know the first law, "Nothing must be free."

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Won't it hurt the precious groundwater?

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, you fool!  The ground water is a few hundred feet down.  These wells are MILES deep!  There is no way that it can pollute the groundwater.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's raht, Brenda.  Iffiin it would pollute the groundwater, than the oil that they's pumped out befor' woulda polluted it.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  I've got it!  You know how we were saying that when the field beasts drive back and forth to work, the surface of the earth goes up and down?  Well, we tell them that putting all this pollution underground just gives the crustal deflection something to pump up.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  And, that will pollute the vital groundwater!  Willis, that's a great lie!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  It is a great lie!  We'll be able to raise costs higher than ever before.  We'll bankrupt those filthy field beasts faster than ever!  We'll be able to charge milage because every mile they drive causes crustal deflection.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  I know it's not our job to wonder about such things, but will the fools believe that?  Will they believe that driving one car, or a million, will cause crustal deflection that will pump old oil and sewage sludge straight up through miles of solid rock?

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Sure!  They'll believe it.  We'll have some flunkies draw up a bunch of cartoons.  They'll show how the cars flex the layers of rock and pump up what's below it.  We'll make it so believable that they'll actually be mad at people who don't believe it.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Call anywun who don' believe "radicals", 'n "insensitive".  That'll shut up the mos' of 'em.  We start out the newsspewers sayin' "It seems impossible that drivin' yer car can cause rock fluctuations miles beneath your autymobile, but the latest research. . . "

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Timmy, if you hadn't come up with that brilliant lie about "crustal deflection", I'd have never thought of it.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  Willis is right.  Timmy, "Crustal Deflection" could be as big a lie as Global Warming"!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Oh, what an honor that would be!

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Timmy, I'm nominating you for the Nobel Prize.  "Crustal Deflection" is a lie that can make every single fool feel so guilty for moving anything that we can tax them!  Again, and again!

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  The bigger or faster a thing is moved, the more it can be taxed.  Timmy, your lie can be used to justify whole new departments, laws, regulators, inspectors, security forces.  Why "Crustal Deflection" is, truly, the new Global Warming!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank it's a big enuf lie that we shuld get ahr own Staff Celebrity!  We shuld get sum'un who'll be reel believ'ble.  We got ter get the whol' worlt t' slow down 'n lighten up.  Iffen we don', "Crustal Deflection" will destroy us.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  We should tell the fools that "urgent action" is necessary.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  I'm going to request that THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE review this past session.  Then, I'll make a request for our own Staff Celebrity!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got an idee.  Let's see iffin we can get London Ritz-Carleton transfurred to ahr committee!  She's alreddy hurd of Planetary Oscillaton, so there won't be the yars 'n yars of trainin' it usually takes to get a Staff Celebrity to unnerstan' sumthin'.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  London Ritz-Carleton?  On OUR committee!  What an honor!  Why, the thought of being able to work with our very own Staff Celebrity, why, I don't know if I bear up under the sheer wonder of it all.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Willis, get ahold of yourself.  She's just a person, like you and me.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Timmy, you don't understand.  This is London Ritz-Carleton!  Famous heir to a vast fortune, spending her time bringing culture and literacy to an unappreciative world!  In earlier times, she'd be a saint!  A saint, I tell you!

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  I have another lie!  Not as good as Timmy's, but a wonderful lie, nonetheless.  We can tell the fools that the earth is spinning around on, oh, I don't know, tell them it's spinning around on something.  Then, with some cartoons, we tell them that there's some sort of force, like a centrifuge, that pushes any garbage pumped down an old oil well right back to the surface.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Walter, that's wonderful!  The force pushes the garbage right up to the surface, maybe in a few hours, and pollutes the precious groundwater.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  They ain' no fiel' beas' dum' enuf' ter believe that the spinnin' of de earth,would push garbage through two er three miles of solid rock in a coupla hars.  They ain' that dum!

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Now, now, Dick.  They believed in global freezing, and in less than a year, reversed to Global Warming, where the big money was.  If they can intellectually make such huge switches and not even notice, even when someone points it out to them, they'll believe that putting garbage down old oil wells will pollute their water.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Especially if they can be made to believe the earth is spinning around, and there's outward pressure that reacts strongly to "Crustal Deflection".

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Actually, there is a theory that the world is spinning around, right now, on what they call its "axis", and that it goes around the sun.

Dr:  Walter Weasell:  Do the field beasts believe it?

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Most of them.

Dr:  Brenda Bigohm:  I rest my case.

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Actually, the world is a large ball that spins around on an axis.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thought so!

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm  (visibly angry):  Dick you are a fool!  Worrying about whether the earth spins on its axis!  Worrying about whether it goes around the sun!  The world revolves around me!  It revolves around you!  It revolves around this committee!  No wonder I am a Lie Committee Head, and you are not!  You never will be!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm on ever' lie committee that thar is!

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  Yes, and you're laughed at on all of them!  Every day, talking more and more like a hick!  Every day, introducing your little warnings of earthy wisdom!  You, you are a peasant!  You're a good liar, but you'll never get into management! Not as long as you think the credulity level of those accursed fools is something to worry about!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wa'l, they kin think.  N', in sum places, they kin vote.  N' iffin Ah wants ter talk lak a hick, wa'l, Ah'll talk lak a hick.  Ah invented a lot better lies 'n you ebber did.  N' Ah'll invent lots more.  Mebbe Ah oughten ter file a complain' 'ledgin discrinimation.  See iffin pipple be thankin' the way y'all thank.

Dr.  Willis Watless:  Now, Dick, I'm sure we don't need to file any official charges.  I'm sure that Dr. Bigohm believes you are a fine liar.  She's just upset because, well, she despises the creatures so much, and you are always making excuses for them.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  I'm always glad when Dr. Dudewell does give us an insight as to the operations of their so-called "minds". 

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  I don't think that the filing of formal charges would be appropriate.  I'm sure that Dr. Bigohm didn't mean anything.  She's just frustrated about how hard it is to keep the fools paying and paying for everything while getting nothing in return.  She's carrying a big load, a lot of responsibility, and we should be understanding.

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  I can see where both of them are coming from.  Keeping the fools from putting used oil and diluted garbage down holes several miles deep takes big, mind-straining lies.  And, Dick has certainly helped with a lot of very fine lies.  I think Dr. Bigohm's skills are mainly administrative, and, well, she may be a little bit overwhelmed by Dick's fine lies.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wa'l, why ain' she givin' Timmy a hard time?  Timmy cum up wiffin Crustal Deflection, 'n she didn' give him a 'ard time.  Ah thank she's wurried 'bout us gettin' a staff 'elebrity lak London Ritz-Carleton on her commi'tee, 'n she's a lil bit jealous.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  I certainly am not jealous of London Ritz-Carlton!  I think she'd be a fine celebrity for our committee, and am making every effort to obtain her services.  We do have a budget, you know.  I can't just offer her twenty or thirty million dollars a year.  Unless some of you are willing to cut your salaries a few percent?

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  The most wonderful idea just came to me!  Let's tell the fools that "crustal deflection" is actually pumping up garbage at the very same time that it is pumping groundwater more deeply into the earth!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak that!  Ah reely do! 

Dr.  Willis Watless:  It's brilliant, Bobby.  We can convince them that driving will make them all die of thirst! 

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  And, that underground oil will be driven more deeply underground!

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  Finally!  We'll be able to stop them all from driving.  The fools will have to ride bicycles.  Walk around.  No more personal transportation.

Dr.  Brenda Bigohm:  We still have to be sure we can get them to work.  How can we justify packing them into trains and buses?  Since they're heavier, they'll be sure to cause more "crustal deflection".

Dr.  Bobby Brownout:  Let's get some smart-flunkies to come up with some lies as to how mass transit doesn't cause "crustal deflection".

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank all we's gots ter do is ter tell 'em that "controllable buses counteract the pumping effect by having speed 'n weight controlled."

Dr.  Willis Watless:  That sounds as if it could be make to sound sensible.  We could also put vastly bigger tires on the buses.

Dr.  Walter Weasell:  I can picture that!  Tires ten or twelve feed wide.  Soft, rubber rollers, actually, running clear under the bus.  Maybe ten or twelve of them.  Put signs on the buses saying:  "This vehicle will not cause Crustal Deflection".

Dr.  Timmy Peedymeter:  That is so good!  Then