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FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE HAVE AN IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT.  FIELD BEASTS ARE STOCKPILING ANTIBIOTICS AND USING THEM AT THEIR OWN DISCRETION.  WHEN THEY BYPASS OFFICE VISITS, OUR CLIENTS LOSE MONEY.   YOU ARE TO REDUCE UNAUTHORIZED USE OF ANTIBIOTICS TO INCREASE MEDICAL CASH FLOWS.  LIE OFTEN, LIE WELL.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  It's wrong for people to think they can take care of any medical problems at all!  The Education Sub-Committee should do more to undermine any ideas of self-reliance.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Self-medication is an attack on their betters.  The arrogant fools are already able to take aspirin without a prescription, and that's bad enough. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Well, Ah haven't been on this here committee very long, but Ah heard that the greedy fools are buyin' livestock antybiotics, and medicatin' themselves with that.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Dr. Dudewell, how do people dose themselves with animal antibiotics?  Does it work?  Is it safe?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Iff'n they weigh two hunnert pounds n' they got an antybiotic pill for a 2,000 pound bull, they jes' take a tenth of it.  Or, iffin they got a perscripshun fer a hunnert pound dog, they just take two pills.  It works, and it's safe, but we don't want any more of the fools knowin' that.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  They're saving a fifty dollar office visit and a fifty dollar prescription and they're only spending a dollar or so?  That's terrible for our clients' cash flow!  Do our clients know this is going on?

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THAT'S ONE REASON WE CALLED THIS MEETING.  WE NEED NEW LIES, AND WE NEED THEM NOW!  SELF-MEDICATING WITH ANY KIND OF ANTIBIOTICS HAS TO BE STOPPED!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I understand.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Well, animals and people do use the same antibiotics.  I mean, we can't put poison in animal antibiotics, because our clients could get sued if half the cows or chickens in the country died.  Can we say that animal antibiotics are more 'impure'?

Dr. Murray Eel:  No.  Our clients use the very same ingredients to make both human and animal antibioitics.  They'd get sued by animal rights wackos the first time they found a sick pig. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  How about making people think that animal antibiotics have impurities that make human beings put on excessive weight in odd places.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Frances, that's a l'il bit of a start.  The big issue is, we've got to take somethin' that's chemically identical to what the fools are already takin', costs 'em one hundredth as much, n' make 'em think it's bad for 'em.  We got to come up with really good lies!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  There's a related problem.  People are also treating themselves with internet info.  They use computers, and diagnose their problems better than any doctor.  Then, they buy the medicine from vets.  Why, some of 'em are actually buying horses just to be able to purchase antibiotics by the pound.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Can we get the vets to stop prescribing medicine?  Get laws passed that all animal antibiotics must be administered by a licensed practioner? 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Murray, Ah'm from Texas and Ah owns a whole passel o' ranches.  No way can we get legislation to make it so vets or their assistants are the only ones who can 'noculate whole herds of cattle spread out over square miles.  It jes' won't fly.  Nope.  We need lies, really good lies.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh, my.  This is the worst predicament I've ever seen.  Would it work if we added something into the animal antibiotic?  You know, have our congressoids mandate that all animal antibiotics have something in them that would make human beings sterile, or smell funny?  There has to be something!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  If we couldn't get some bad additives legislated, we could just say we did.  You know, maybe that's the lie.  Get some crippled people on a couple of news and talk shows. . .

Dr. Murray Eel:  News and talk show?  Dan, I didn't know there was a difference.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Well, of course there isn't.  News show, talk show, just different ways to cram the fools' minds full of lies.  But, we may need more than lies.  We need outright fraud.  We need people with disfiguring diseases that can be blamed on overdoses of animal antibiotics. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah hate to use fraud when a lie will do.  And, Ah think Ah've got a good lie.  What we say is that "Metabolic differences between bipeds 'n quadrupeds cause different reactions".  That'll implant a li'l doubt.  Then, we add som'thin' like "The smaller brain mass of the quadrupeds keeps brain-damaging chemicals from concentrating in the cerebellum", or some other brain part that sounds scary.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  What about "pineal gland"?  None of the fools know what it does.  I don't know, myself, but this sounds believable:  "It is proven that the comparatively large human brain mass absorbs far more chemicals than the brains of animals.  Scientists and researchers consider it almost certain that bathing the vital pineal gland in impurities reinforced with antibiotics powerful enough to penetrate cell membranes has a deleterious effect on cognitive ablity, and may cause emotional instability."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wow!  Great lie!  Ah like it!  Ah really do.  But, Frances, Ah can't believe you don' know what the pineal gland does.  Ah thought y'all wuz a brain surjun 'fore you got on the Lie Committee.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I have the honorary degree from Postum Multiversity that licenses me to operate on the brains of Medicare recipients.  The Committee decided my degree replaced the actual experience that I needed, and, so far, they've been right.  I am not just another honorary medical doctor.  I also have honorary Ph.D.s in Economic Bioethics, Comparative Theology, and Communications. 

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  And all at der expense of the American taxpayer!  Truly, dis is the land of opportunity. 

Dr. Murray Eel:  Frances, you are the most completely certified liar on the Sub-Committee.  Congratulations!  All this time, I thought you were just another honorary MD.  The Committee made a great choice!  Thanks to all of you, we have a lie we can send out for focus groups and refinement.  Sounds good, and it's uncontradictable. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:   Frances, shouldn't we add something about hair?  After all, animals have more hair than people, and we could say that animal antibiotics stimulate hair in unsightly places.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That's a great add-on lie.  Ah lak 'nose'.  We can always say "Some researchers believe that hair growth on the nose may be accelerated by the use of animal antibiotics."  That'll give the simple-minded news-spewers somethin' to make a face at, and, at the same time, show how 'sensitive' he or she is to the needs of the viewin' audience.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I like 'nose', too.  By the way, in my country, people use bread mold as an antibiotic.  Blue mold for fevers, green mold for infections.  Or, maybe it's the other way around.  What I'm concerned about, can people grow their own antibiotics?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Shore can.  The first antybiotics were made from bread mold.  No reason why people couldn't grow their own antybiotics.  With a simple computer program, they could find out what they need to take.

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's just what we should be worried about!  Some smart guy could be selling antibiotics in yeast packets.  People could grow their own.  Sure, they'd be healthier, and save tons of money, but that would hurt our clients.  Any lies, guys?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Geez!  This is serious.  Why, anyone could pre-package cultures of antibiotics and sell them on the internet.  We've got to make that illegal!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Why, if the fools ever thought of that, more than half the doctor visits would stop.  People would just stay home, type their symptoms into their computer, get a diagnosis, make their medicine, take their medicine, and get well without paying anything to our clients!  Dick, this is the biggest medical problem in history!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  No problem.  We've got most of 'em convinced that they're too stupid to do much of anything more complicated than put on a band-aid without "expert help".  We'll have our talk/news shows prattle on and on about the dangers of self-medicating.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  It's better for the fools to be sick than to cure themselves cheaply.  Self-medication has to be stopped.  Anyvun haf a way to get Dr. Dorkay's idea across?  

Dr. Murray Eel:  I've got a great lie!  We have our news-spewers repeat: "They say that 'a person who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client.'  Well, a person who becomes his own doctor has a fool for a patient."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Ohh, I love it!  The fools will repeat that to themselves, nod wisely, and think they're being intelligent!  Wonderful job, Murray.

Dr. Murray Eel:  It's a start, Frances.  But, I think it's a good start.  An edificial lie.  A real foundation on which we can pile dozens of lies, the kind that magazine writers and book authors can reword and repeat for countless, boring pages.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Absolutely right, Murray.  We can build an entire edifice of lies out of this.  "A person who becomes his own doctor has a fool for a patient."  It flows, Murray, it flows as smoothly as an imaginarily melting glacier.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  I haf anodder lie.  It's not as good, but ve can tell the fools, "Antibiotics compounded for animals are simply not as pure as the antibiotics made for people."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's very good, Henry.  The fools like to be thought of as deserving better, so this will be easier for them to believe.    

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE ELATED WITH YOUR LIES. THEY ARE ALREADY HAVING NEWSSPEWERS AND TALK SHOW RANTERS REHEARSE SAYING SOLEMNLY: "A PERSON WHO BECOMES HIS OWN DOCTOR HAS A FOOL FOR A PATIENT." 

     OUR CLIENTS HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT.  IT IS A RARE TIME IN HISTORY WHEN THERE ARE NO GLOBAL EMERGENCIES.  OUR CLIENTS ARE DESPERATE FOR MORE MONEY.  THEY NEED YOU TO COME UP WITH AN IMAGINARY GLOBAL MEDICAL EMERGENCY BELIEVABLE ENOUGH TO GENERATE MASSIVE FUNDING.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Wow!  This is going to be a fun lie.  Scare the pants off everybody, make our clients richer, and increase regulations.  This will be a real money-maker.  Anyone have any ideas?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  We still haven't cured AIDS, and we're not about to cure it because other sub-committees are encouraging risky behavior.  We could go on making its dangers seem universal.  That's a good, proven way to generate funding.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think the whole AIDS thing has about run its course.  Nobody really cares about it.  Now that we got gummit funding to give pipple with AIDS a couple thousand a week for medicines that don't work, people have stopped complaining.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Amazing how money cures things!  We need to invent a new disease.  Something that we can say spreads like wildfire.  Nobody is going to believe "resurgence of bubonic plague".

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  No.  And, we've done drugs to death.  Alcohol, tobacco, all the old standbys are boring.  We need a new lie.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm on the Sub Committee for Food Lies.  We've been lookin' at ways to make it hard fo' small furmers to raise chickens.  We have news-spewers report endlessly that small poultry furms spread diseases.

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  I like that.  There are chickens on every continent, and in every country.  If we could invent some sort of imaginary chicken disease, it might be scary enough to generate research funding.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Would we call it "bird plague"?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  Sounds too extreme.  What about callin' it "chicken measles", or "bird mumps".

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  I've got an idea.  Let's call it "bird flu", after the influenza epidemic.  We'll have all the channels run a bunch of shows on how bad the flu epidemics used to be, killing I guess two or three billion people in less than a couple of weeks, and blame it on chickens.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Yes, billions vere infected.  T'ough only a few million people are believed to have died, der threat can be said to be real.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Not that many people died.  It was only about fifty thousand.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Frances, I don't t'ink anyone has explained der formula to you.  Ve always add either three, six, or nine zeroes to every death count.  Ottervise, der fools von't take us seriously.

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  And, if anyone notices, we quickly blame it on "mathematical error" from a "misplaced decimal point".   A dozen deaths turn into "One million two hundred thousand people have died, or may in the very near future."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think that "bird flu" is a brilliant name.  But, do y'all think people are dumb enough to believe that chickens, that have been around forever, are sudd'nly a dangerous source of global disease and widespread death?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Of course they're that dumb!  They love to hear about hidden dangers in common things so they something to breathlessly tell their friends about.   Their overwhelming desire to say "Did you know . . .?" helps us with all our lies. 

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  "Bird flu" is a better name than "chicken flu", even though we'll have some research done to show that chickens are the main characters.  "Bird flu" will make them afraid of all birds, from sparrows and eagles to their grandmothers' canaries and parakeets.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm on the Energy Lies Committee.  Ah heerd at wun meetin' tha' some of the fools are worried 'bout windmills choppin' up eagles.  Bird flu'll make 'em glad for all them piles of ground-up birds.

Dr. Murray Eel:  It's wonderfully well thought out.  I can't believe the fools are dumb enough to be actually frightened by canaries and parakeets. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They've worried 'bout ever'thin' else we told them was dangerous.  Why, we'll be able to raise prices on eggs, fried chicken, feather pillows, an'thin' at all that was ever connected with a bird just by certifyin' 'em "Bird flu inspected", or some such claptrap.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  It's a magnificent lie!  One of our very best!  And, we can make a little pun.  "Will bird flu fly? ".  Do you think anyone will get it?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Not them.  But, we like it, and that's all that matters.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  ONE OF OUR CLIENTS JUST CALLED.  "TELL THOSE DAMN LIARS TO STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH CHILDISH PUNS AND COME UP WITH BETTER LIES TO JUSTIFY GLOBAL VACCINATION."  THE CLIENTS DEMAND THAT YOU MAKE BIRD FLU SEEM SO SERIOUS THAT SEVERAL BILLION FOOLS WILL BE LINED UP FOR SHOTS AT TWENTY OR THIRTY DOLLARS APIECE."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Apologies from all of us.  We had no idea that billions could be made with a silly little lie like "bird flu".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mah goodness.  This shor'ly is a serious business.  The lie Ah'd suggest is to first tell 'em how easily the disease is spread.  Then, we show pitchers of what the disease does.  Y'all know, pitchers of rottin' lungs, hearts swollen up like basketballs, brains oozin' outen pipples' ears.  Stuff like that."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  This "bird flu" is serious business.  I just tried to multiply five billion people by thirty dollars, and my calculator broke. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Wow!  Bird Flu will make really big money!  Really big money needs really big lies.  We've got the vector that spreads the disease, we've got lies for the results of the disease, but it seems like we're missing something.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Well, duh!  We're missing a disease.  We just don't have anyone on the planet with a cake of soap who's ever gotten bird flu.  There's not a genuine case anywhere in the world. 

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Murray, stop griping und whining.  Ve are der best liars in der verld.  Ve don't need a disease.  Ve gotten der birds blamed.  And, ve got pictures of the disease.  Ve just tell a lie like:  "The sub-microscopic organisms cause bird flu to change so rapidly they're impossible to identify in the laboratory.  By der time der medical scientist has focused his telescope, der microbe has changed."

Dr. Murray Eel:  Surely, the fools won't think we can cure what we can't even see?  Are governments going to give our clients a quarter of a trillion dollars for a vaccine that has no known effect on a microbe they can't identify?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Murray, too much you vorry.  You just show der picture of a human lung spattered all over der wall affer a cherry bomb has gone off in it, and tell der news-spewers to say:  "Can ve afford to have dis happen to us?"  Then, der spewer shakes his head sadly, and concludes solemnly, "Ve cannot run the risk of doing nothing.  Global innoculation is der only thing that can save us.  Ve have to trust our medical scientists."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Not bad, Heinrik!  Wouldn't be the first time we generated funding for a problem that didn't only not have a cause, but also didn't exist anywhere outside our minds.  I think we've put it together.  And, Heinrik, I loved the way you call the unwashed homeless people we shave and dress up for photo ops "medical scientists".  I simply couldn't stop giggling.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THE CLIENT IS SATISFIED.  THEY CAN BEGIN TO BUILD ON YOUR LIES TO DEMAND GLOBAL VACCINATION FOR 'BIRD FLU'.  OTHER CLIENTS ARE COMPREHENDING HOW MUCH INCOME CAN BE GENERATED BY NEW DISEASES.  THEY WANT LIES ABOUT DISEASES SPREAD BY OTHER ANIMALS.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Didn't y'all try rodent viruses a few years ago?

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  We did.   We called them 'hantoviruses'.  It was a wonderful name.  Trouble was, the only people who caught anything that we could blame on them were impoverished Indians living on remote reservations without running water.

Dr. Murray Eel:  I was new to the Lie Committee.  It was the first project I was on, and I remember it well.  Mulit-media lying was newer then, and we made the mistake of trying to make the disease seem real. 

Dr. Dan DorkaY:  We released thousands of infected rodents into dozens of suburbs, but we just couldn't get the disease going.  Those damned suburbanites were too clean.  So were inner city people.  Too bad.  We were hoping for the deaths of several hundred thousand people in New England alone. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  How many million people actually died from the hantoviruses?

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  Six.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Six million?

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  No.  Just six.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Did they all die from the deadly hantoviruses?

Dr.  Dick Dorkay:  Well, we didn't perform any autopsies, but indications were clear that many, many of those deaths may appear to have likely, or at least possibly, been caused, or accelerated by, deadly hantoviruses.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  FORGET THE HANTOVIRUSES.  A CLIENT HAS ASKED IF THERE ARE ANY DISEASES SPREAD BY DOGS, CATS, OR OTHER PETS THAT COULD BE MADE TO APPEAR THREATENING ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY UNIVERSAL VACCINATIONS?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Now, that's a mighty fine idea.  They've all got fleas and ticks.  Maybe we could turn Lyme Disease into some kind of plague.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  What is that disease?  The green death?

Dr. Dick Dorkay.  No, no, no.  L-Y-M-E, Frances, not L-I-M-E.  No one knows what it is, exactly.  That's the wonderful thing about it.  When we thought it up, we needed a replacement for mono.  We needed to find a cause for the usual psychosomatic symptoms that so many of our leftist friends have.  They needed an organic cause for the body disorders caused by unending hysteria so they could get on Disability.

Dr. Murray Eel:   I could see some good newslies with our new Pet Disease Program:  "Millions killed by beloved pets."

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Fleas and ticks are a good start.  I believe ve could also focus on vorms.  All pets have some sort of parasites living in them.  I'm sure that they're easily spread.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  People hate the idea of worms living inside them!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Great idea, Heinrik!  Ah've got a good lie along those lines:  "Microscopic worm eggs attach themselves to dog and cat hair.  When petted, the eggs stick to peoples' fingers.  When people rub their eyes, the eggs latch onto the tear ducts.  People are going blind."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh!  Oh!  I've got a good one to add!  "When the eggs hatch, the larvae swim up the tear ducts, lodge in the brain, and cause dementia."

Dr. Dick Dorkay:  This is wonderful!  A probable cause for Altzheimers'.  People will question whether or not they should have pets, and government agencies will have an excuse for inspectors, license fees, and big, fat fines.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think we invent a new kind of rabies.  It's caused by germs that make people worry, or be in a bad mood.  Ah can see Oprah talkin' 'bout "An ongoing plague of 'emotional rabies', eatin' away at the well-bein' of every woman."  Show a coupla' models foamin' at the mouf.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  "Emotional Rabies!"  I luf it!  There'll be no end to the medications and vaccinations ve can sell der fools, both for their pets and themselves.  Vhy, our clients vill make billions!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Make sure you get lots of footage of some really overweight, five or six hundred pound women, foaming at the mouth, too. We want Emotional Rabies appear to be universal.  Have one of them smack a kid, and get a close-up of him crying, with one of our super-sincere voice-overs reciting, "And, the suffering goes on.  What can we do to make it end?  What can we do?"

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got a great addition! Y'all know how dogs are always sniffin' each others' butts?  Wal, we say that's "the sure sign of a pet afflicted with 'emotional rabies'.  Iffin y'all got a dog that sniffs another dogs' butt, it needs medication, and fast, afore it becomes fatal."

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dat's gutt, Dick!  Dat's verry good.  Let's add someting to it. "If a dogs' nose should come in contact vith you vithin a day of hafing touched anodder dog, you may be infected vith 'emotional rabies'.  If your quality of life isn't vhat you tink it should be, you probably are infected." 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CLIENTS LOVE YOUR LIES!  AS YOU KNOW, CLIENTS HAVE MADE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WITH DRUGS THAT LOWER THE FIELD BEASTS' CHOLESTEROL.  SOME OF THE SMARTER FOOLS REFUSE TO TAKE THESE DRUGS.  OUR CLIENTS NEED NEW LIES. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  This was one of our best campaigns.  The fools think that they should shut down their liver functions to make some gullible doctor happy.

Dr. Murray Eel:  It's amazing.  Since antibiotics, doctors don't have much to do.  They've got lots of time to listen to our salespeople.  So, our clients hired us to invent lies their sales forces could use to convince doctors to tell their patients they'd be better off if their livers malfunction.  They're spending billions on Lipitor and statin drugs to do shut down their livers!  Fools!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I do not understand.  I was not on this committee when those lies were developed.  Can someone help me?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Frances, Ah wasn't here, either.  Ah don't fully unnerstan', but Ah think what happen'd was they tol' the fools their cholesterol was too high, the fools believed it, 'n started takin' pow'rful chemicals to wreck their livers.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dat's exactly right, Dr. Dudewell.  Research hass found dat der more insecure field beasts haf an innate desire to meet standards.  Vhat ve did vas find out their average cholesterol, and tell them der "best" standard vas much lower.  Ven insecure ninnies lowered their cholesterol to dat level, our clients' sales dropped. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I get it.  Then, you did more "research" and lowered the standards, again.  How many times can you increase their dosage before they figure out they've been duped?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  No one knows.  The credulous fools will keep lowering their cholesterol until their livers explode. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  How much do y'all figger our clients made?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Dick, it's like a galaxy full of money.  Still makin' it. 

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Effen better, ve got der congressiods to make Medicare pay for it.  Der fools are destroying their livers wif money dey pay with their own taxes.  Oh, happy day!  Taking der money, selling them der rope, vatching dem hang dhemselves.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  And, when they die young, Social Security funding lasts longer.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  They die younger and dumber.  Statin drugs taken in the huge dosages we recommend do damage from head to toe.  Great bunch of lies from a great bunch of guys!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  FOOPAHSTAN AND DUDEWELL SHOULD BE UP TO SPEED.  STOP THIS CHIT-CHAT ABOUT OUR OLD LIES.  WE NEED NEW LIES.  BETTER LIES.  NOW.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd like to suggest a lie campaign called "Zero Cholesterol".  The fools should be convinced that zero is the only safe amount of cholesterol for "healthy living."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan.  "Zero Cholesterol" has a nice sound.  Let's couple it with a couple of phrases like "Seeking medical perfection."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  If "Zero Cholesterol" is good, wouldn't "Sub-Zero Cholesterol" be better? 

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Now, that's a lie!  That's a great lie!  We just get models with perfect bodies playing volleyball while some sensitive-looking twit solemnly intones:  "Sub-Zero cholesterol.  Who'd have thought it possible?"

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Implying, of course, dat tinking such lunacy is a sign of hafing an above-average intellect.  Kill dem mit der own vanity.  I like it!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Hope they don' confuse it wiffin "Sub-Zero refrigerator."  Who cares iffin they do?  The fools'll have to take a quart of statin drugs every day.  Won't they notice that it's killing them?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Nah.  We'll just put on the labels that "initial health changes are possible while body adjusts".

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's rich!  Their livers disappear, or explode, or whatever they do, and the fools don't even notice! 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  "What fools these mortals be.", why, Murray, are you quoting Shakespeare.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Not on purpose.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT SUB-ZERO CHOLESTEROL MAY BE TOO EXTREME A CONCEPT FOR THE FOOLS TO SWALLOW.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  How about this?  We have both sub-zero cholesterol AND pills that contain cholesterol? 

Dr. Murray Eel:  I love it!  We'll tell the fools "Medical science has finally discovered a way to precisely control cholesterol on based on YOUR INDIVIDUAL needs."  You know how much the fools like to be thought of as individuals.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Best thing that ever happened to mass marketers.  And, this gives us another chance to say "See your doctor."  Doctors love it when we tell the fools to give them even more money.  And, they like the importance of "doctordom" being endlessly inflated on TV ads to get the fools to swallow more powerful chemicals than ever.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Ve need some copy to be read by some slow-speaking, serious-looking nincompoop.  "Only you unt your doctor can determine vat is best for you.  Der latest scientific opinions are dat cholesterol should be lowered to zero, or below, and brought up to the exact level that vurks best for YOU mit precisely metered cholesterol supplements."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Thats a great campaign.  Each "supplement" will cost 'em a day's worth of Social Security.  It'll get the field beasts thinkin' that somebody actually cares about 'em while it makes 'em even poorer 'n more dependent.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  And, daily or weekly monitoring increases office visits, which makes more money for our clients.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  It sure does.  I had to go to a doctor a few weeks ago for mood elevators.  The office was literally jammed full of old field beasts.  They were crammed in standing up, so they wouldn't fall over.  It was wall-to-wall wrinkly people.  They thought they were seeing a real doctor, not one of our purchased PhD's from Postum Multiversity. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah bet he was rollin' in dough!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Actually, it wasn't a "he".  It was one of the new classes of totally transexual physicians.  No one knows what sex they are or aren't, and no one is allowed to ask.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  For all any of the fools know, it's a chimpanzee with a close shave.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Chimpanzees are a lot smarter than people think.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all mean that we got acshual chimpanzees handin' out pills?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Not yet.  Mostly, we dress trained chimps in cute doctor outfits and send them into the public schools for lice inspections.  We can bill the School Districts at full medical rates, and pay the chimps a few bananas.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Does that work?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Actually, the chimps do a better job of lice removal than the real doctors and nurses.  Plus, the profit margins are vastly better, especially when bananas are cheap.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Doesn't anyone complain that chimpanzees dressed up like medical practioners are pawing their children?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  If they do, we accuse them of speciesism.  We demand to know "What! Do you think people are better than animals?"  There's not a single person allowed in Public Education administration who's smart enough to answer "Yes."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  There must be big money in using chimps instead of doctors!  What else can we have the chimps do?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mebbe some proctology work?  

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  ONE OF OUR CLIENTS IS A PSEUDO-CHARITY, AFRICA, BACK TO NATURE . THEY ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT DISEASE.  "TWO OR THREE AFRICAN COUNTRIES WANT TO USE DDT TO PROTECT PEOPLE FROM MALARIA.  UNPROGRESSIVE AFRICANS ARE STANDING BETWEEN US AND VAST MINERAL DEPOSITS.  WE NEED NEW LIES TO PROTECT MOSQUITOS, MALARIA AND INCREASE OUR ACCESS TO AFRICAN LAND AND MINERALS BY DEPOPULATION." 

YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO COME UP WITH NEW LIES TO MAKE DDT UNPOPULAR, ILLEGAL, AND UNOBTAINABLE."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Remember, back when Rachel Carson wrote our favorite book, and convinced every pseudo-intellectual nitwit on the planet that DDT was bad?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  At the same time, she convinced the same people that human beings were bad and everyone, except her readers, should be removed from the earth.  Those were the good old days.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  DDT saved more people than anything but antibiotics.  We can't let them bring it back!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  So, vat do ve do?  If ve make it any more obvious that ve vant to depopulize Africa, American blacks may protest.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They don't care.  They never did.  Never will.   Ah mean, there's outright slavery goin' on in Africa.  A-rabs are buyin' house servants n' field hands for twenty bucks apiece 'n workin' em sixteen hours a day.  Not one Afro-American in government or the U.N. ever says a word in protest.  Judgin' by their actions, they wouldn't care iffin ever' person south of the Sahara was dead.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Are they really buying slaves for twenty dollars?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yup.  I bought a couple dozen myse'f when I was on an ivory safari.  They worked 'round camp, cleanin' up the tusks, washin' the armored personnel carriers, settin' up tents, jus' takin' care of things in gen'ral.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Did you bring them back?  Do you have any extras?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah couldn't.  The Bush administration hadn't loosened up immigration then.  Ah had to resell 'em when I came back.  Some rich A-rab bought 'em for sixty dollars apiece.  Ah tripled my money!

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  If dat's going on, and black Americans know about it, and don't do or say anything, I guess they von't vorry about a few million more malaria deaths.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  And, we know that left-wing white people won't complain about people dying, if we make them think it helps the environment.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Those "love your neighbor" white people are in the way.  They've got the gall to put people ahead of the environment.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yup.  When Ah was pertendin' to be a Southern Baptist, a lot of 'em were outraged that millions of Africans were dyin' from malaria ever' year.  Some of 'em was smugglin' DDT into Africa in food packages 'n Bible shipments.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's terrible!  It's illegal!  Allowing people to help others when it interferes with a Client Cash Flow is a crime against, well, against us.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah know it, Frances.  It's a crime 'n it's got to be stopped.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Let's focus.  What new lies will keep people from using DDT?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Ve haf killed two, t'ree hundred million people with malaria.  How much more do dey vant from us?  I vurked hard on der DDT lies, and it's never enough.  Aren't ve killing enuf Africans vith starvation, crooked governments, and AIDS? 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Heinrik, you've done marvelous, simply marvelous work in this area.  No one has ever gotten rid of as many people as we have.  Getting rid of DDT was a wonderful idea.  But, the fools just keep having children.  As long as they do that, we have a job.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  I know, I know.  It's just depressing, sometimes.  Of course I'm proud of helping to reduce population so greatly, but, sometimes, I vonder if ve didn't go too far?

Personnel note for files from Executive Committee:  Dr. Heinrik Plow is starting to feel guilty for helping to kill millions of people.  We must watch, to be sure that he doesn't turn to the other side.  Keep him involved, but watch him.   

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Heinrik, we're doing great things for Africa.  We're reducing the number of people to a purely sustainable level.  Without sustainability, where would we be?

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's right.  Sustainablilty is a lot more important than life, itself.  Sustainability is what separates us from the animals.  Without sustainablity, we'd have no excuse at all for getting rid of so many useless field beasts.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  I know dat haffing sustainable levels is important.  And, I'm glad to be a part of making Africa sustainable.  It's just dose pictures of all those children.  Skin and bones.  Starfing, abused, orphaned.

Dr. Dick Dudwell:  Heinrik, Ah used to worry 'bout 'dem pipple, too.  Now Ah unnerstan' that sustainability is more important than people.  Think how much worse the world would be iffin all the people we've helped get rid of were still alive.  They'd be pollutin', eatin', farmin', buildin', drinkin' up precious water, 'n jes plain makin' a mess of things in general.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That's right.  Our goals are important, our clients are important.  After all, what kind of low-end idealists would be be if we can't decide that some ideals are more important than life? 

Dr. Murray Eel:  We set good, sustainable goals.  People have to adjust to what's best, not what they want.  Those pictures of starving children, they're just propaganda from the other side.  True idealists can't be sidetracked by a bunch of bleeding hearts.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Now, could we get back to lying?  We need to keep people from using DDT.  Every day that goes by that they can't get their hands on DDT kills and sickens thousands of people, bringing us that much closer to Sustainability.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Tanks for making tings clear.  I've got a good lie. Does anyvun tink der fools are dumb enuf to believe that DDT causes "indiscriminate insect death"?  If so, ve could tell dem dat "DDT destroys the natural enemies of the mosquito, thereby only providing a short-term benefit."

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Heinrik, I love it!  It almost sounds true!  We can use that!  We'll just say that "DDT is only a short term remedy.  Using DDT makes a natural, sustainable cure for malaria impossible."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak it!  Let's us make up some 'maginary 'good bug' that's guaranteed to kill all the mosquitoes.  How 'bout the Zambezi Dragonfly?  "Indiscriminate DDT use will wipe out the beneficial Zambezi Dragonfly, thereby guaranteeing that African malaria will never be gotten rid of by natural, sustainable means.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  BRILLIANT LYING!  CONGRATULATIONS TO DRS. PLOW AND FOOPAHSTAN. 

WE HAVE A NEW CLIENT REQUEST.  RESEARCH SHOWS THAT MOTORCYCLE RIDERS WITHOUT HELMETS NEED FAR MORE MEDICAL CARE THAN THOSE WHO WEAR HELMETS.  BADLY INJURED RIDERS ARE A BOON TO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.  THEY REQUEST LIES TO CONVINCE MOTORCYCLE RIDERS TO STOP WEARING HELMETS.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Frances, I'll bet you love to see them riding without helmets!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I do!  I'm trying to get my Postum Multiversity accreditation expanded so I can operate on motorcyclists, along with the brains of Medicare recipients.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Good money in that?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh, my yes!  I won't, of course, operate on any uninsured motorcycle rider, and the Medicare patients have unlimited billing right.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  How much does the Postum Multiversity degree cost?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Half a million.  That's what I paid five years ago.  That license costs a million, now.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  That's chump change.  How many operations do you need to make it back, six?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Seven.  After that, it's all gravy.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Not bad, Frances.  How long do you have to actually study? 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  At Postum Multiversity, you don't actually have to study.  You pay your money, you get your degree, and you are licensed to hire Russian, Cuban, or Chinese doctors to do your actual operating.   Most of the Postum classwork shows us how to deal with our own behind-the-scenes operating doctor.  He gets a couple of hundred dollars, and we keep the change. 

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  That sounds reasonable.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Not as reasonable as you'd think.  If the patient dies, under current practice, the operating doctor gets to keep the organs.  They can sell a matched set of kidneys for a hundred thousand if a rich person with a matching blood type needs them.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Why, that's immoral!  What can we do to stop it?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Who wants to stop it?  All I want to do is get 80% of the organ sales price for Postum graduates.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  What does the patient get?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  The satisfaction of knowing that he's been a great help to another human being.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Frances, Ah cain't keep a straight face.  Do pipple still think lak that?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  No one knows.  They're asleep when these decisions are made. 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  EXACTLY WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH KEEPING MOTORCYCLISTS FROM WEARING HELMETS?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Clients must understand that the big money in quick motorcycle deaths is from organ sales.  If they don't wear helmets, they're more likely to die quickly, and we get more body parts to sell. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah shore do agree with that.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Helmeted riders also generate vastly more fees for hospitals and therapists.  Their billing is amazingly beneficial.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  So, do we all thing that there's more money in helmetless cyclists?  How do we get 'em to get those helmets off?

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  First, ve tell them that it's "their right" to be "free and unfettered".  Make them think they're being more "manly", even "heroic", if they roar around without their helmets.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They'll eat that right up!  A lot of motorcyclists are bored pipple lookin' to kill time.  Let's get some copy like "I don't like bein' tol' what I cain't do.  I like the feel of the wind in my hair". 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  They'll love that!  Of course, we don't let them smoke, drink, or eat trans-fat, whatever that is, and we tax them into virtual slavery, but they've been so dumbed-down that they think riding without a helmet means they're "free".  Fools!  Hah!  Free to provide more organs!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Let's get some shots of geeky-looking creeps wearing huge, bulbous helmets while they drive prissy motorcycles.  Pink Vespas.   Show them being blown off the road by huge, helmetless men riding giant motorcycles.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  I like that one, Frances.  Get lots of tattoos on them.  The idea is, being rough and tough and free means getting rid of the helmet.  Make them think that helmets are for sissies, control freaks, and the enemies of freedom.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Lets show gangs uf giant toughs on huge Harleys smashing t'rough gaggles uf geeks on Vespas driving toward them.  Show der geeks flying t'rough der air, landing in ditches, piles of manure, porta-potties, get them demeaned as much as possible.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Have one of the big guys snicker, "Helmets!  A fat lot of good they did!"

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Make the fools believe that wearing a helmet makes 'em a target for motorcycle violence.  They'll start to think that wearin' a helmet makes 'em into hunted animals.  At the same time, the campaign'll encourage the toughs to start goin' after 'em.  Have some shots of conversations in biker bars, "Didja see the way I got them geeks?  Drove a dozen of 'em right into the median strip!"  "Ah, that's nothin'.  Oncet, I got 'mos' fi'ty of the nerdy basta'ds.  Wif' their helmets on, they didn't even see me comin'!"

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  While we're killing more of them, we need to attract new cyclists.  Once we have a secure organ flow, we have to maintain it."

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  It's hard to convince most people dat dey shoult increase dere chances uf being maimed or crippled.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I know it.  I wouldn't ride one of those two-wheeled death traps.  Let's segment by ages.  Young men ride them because they're tough.  Empty nesters ride motorcycles because "Now, it's time for us". 

Dr.  Murray Eel:  You know, when we get two people on each motorcycle, we double the number of organ sources.  Let's push, "Togetherness on two wheels."   "This is the time to put some fun in our lives.", "We're riding a motorcycle built for two.", or "Now, we have time for us."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  A campaign like will get more of them to double 'em up and that will double organ availability.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Murray, that plan will get middle-aged people out on their bikes, but their organs aren't as valuable.  We need organs from sixteen to thirty year olds.  Those are the ones we want on bikes, riding hard to benefit our clients.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Oh, come on, Frances.  How's anybody know how old any organ donor was?  We jus' tell 'em "our organs are from freshly killed teen-agers."  We can charge double.  Triple.  Quadruple.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dat's right, Frances.  No vun can tell how olt a kidney is by lookink at it.  Ve say dat all der organs dat ve sell are frum teen-achers.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CLIENTS APPRECIATE YOUR LIES.  THEY WILL CONVINCE MILLIONS OF MOTORCYCLISTS NOT TO WEAR HELMETS.  THEY WANT TO BE SURE THAT NOT WEARING A HELMET GENERATES MORE FEES THAN WEARING A HELMET.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I heard that helmets protect the head, but make it more likely to die of a broken neck.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Who cares?  Der important ting is to get more pipple on motorcycles.  The vuns who die provide organs, the vuns who survive need them.  Everybody vins!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Finding out if it's actually safer to wear a helmet would take research.  It would take work.  Let's just say that "Sometimes it is better to be wearing a helmet."  Then, we tell the newspewer to add, very seriously, "But, experts agree, there are times when it is not."

Dr. Murray Eel:  That seems to cover all the bases.  And, it saves us a lot of boring research work.   And, we don't have to waste money on a bunch of flunkies.  I hate wasting our money on research-flunkies.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  There's another problem.  Some of these people end up in comas.  They lie around for months, even years.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Do they ever wake up?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Sometimes, dey do.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank tha's awful!  Iffin one of them is passed out for more'n an hour, we pulls the plug. We'll have a lot more organs to sell.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I don't know if we can afford to wait that long.  Let's tell the Congressoids to pass a law that says "Medical research indicates that concussive forces strong enough to cause more than five minutes of unconsciousness may permanently impair the patient's quality of life.  After five minutes, life support systems must be removed."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' thank tha's quite enough.  Iffin we pull the plug, and the fool keeps breathin', we oughta be takin' additional necessary measures.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's right!  The Chinese are selling livers from freshly executed prisoners at a hundred thousand apiece.  We can't afford to let people just lie around while their organs rot. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Well, let's have the Congressoids say:  "After five minutes, both internal and external life support systems MUST be removed."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak that!  We'll get us lots of nice, fresh organs.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  And, we can add a little something to the new law that requires 80% of the sales price goes to the Postum Multiversity Supervising Physician.  "To fund further research in this vital area".

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  That'll make everybody happy!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  HELMET MANUFACTURERS WANT LIES MANDATING HELMETS FOR OTHER ACTIVITIES.  IF WE'RE GOING TO LET MOTORCYCLISTS RIDE WITHOUT THEM, THEY NEED TO REPLACE THAT CASH FLOW.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that childr'n shuld be wearin' helmets mos' alla time.

Dr. Heinrik Plow.  Effery year, millions of people are killed or injured by falls.  Everyvun shoult vear a helmet all der time. 

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's a tough sell, Heinrik.  How about "Any person moving faster than walking speed should wear a helmet."

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Ve need helmets for walking, because people do trip und fall while they're walking.  Ve'll tell the fools that "It vouldn't be fair to leave walkers unprotected, because it vould give slower-moving people an 'unfair safety advantage'. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I agree with Heinrik.  All the fools should be helmeted.  Everyone should wear a helmet all the time, unless they have a doctor's excuse.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Making them get their doctor's permission gets the fools goin' back to their doctors, which helps our clients.  Doctors don't like giving permission that lets people hurt themselves, 'cause they'd be likely to be sued.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Sounds like most ever'body'll be wearin' a helmet. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Inside and outside?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Most accidents happen at home.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mebbe we should mandate two kinds of helmets.  One for the home or office.  A bigger, stronger helmet ought'n to be mandated for all outside activity.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  So, if a field beast walked to work, it would need two helmets, one for walking and one to wear in the office?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yep.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Dick, that's wonderful!  We could expand on that, and have helmets mandated for different speeds.  An outside helmet for walking would be lighter than one for running.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Law enforcement clients complain that long sentences for career criminals have left them without much to do.  Policemen could give tickets to improperly helmeted people!  Every single person becomes a candidate for jail sentences and fines!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Every sport should have a special helmet.  

Dr. Murray Eel:  What about track?  Runners'd complain that "It's not right that we be weighed down."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Good point, Murray.  They'll hate it!  N' pole vaulters'll hate it more!   By rights, they ought'n to be wearin' the heaviest helmets of all.  We'll make their accursed lives miserable!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Our country will never win another Olympics game.  Not one!

Dr.  Murray Eel:  No athlete will ever do as well as those in the past.  Undermine their self-image!  Make 'em think they're failures!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Let's make the fools put their names, addresses, and medical histories on each of their helmets.  It'll cost 'em billions!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  It's for their own good.  That's what makes messing up their wretched lives so much fun!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah th'nk we be needin' helmets fer sittin', too.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  I'd like to see that mandated, as well, Dick.  But, how are we going to come up with a lie that says people should wear helmets while they're sitting down?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  W'al, the way Ah figger it is, lots of times when a sittin' fiel' beas' stands up, he might get reel dizzy 'n fall over.  Wif' a helmet, he's pertected.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Brilliant!  Absolutely brilliant!  We can title this lie collection "All helmets, all the time."

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Sounds like we need to mandate inside helmets, and outside helmets based on speeds, sports, heights, and occupations.  Anything else?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  If we're going to make the fools wear helmets, we could make the helmets have places for filters, so they don't ever breathe in any dust.  We'd have different filters for inside and out, and for different occupations, sports, and activities.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CONGRATULATIONS, DR. FOOPAHSTAN!  OUR CLIENTS ARE ECSTATIC.  AS SOON AS THE FOOLS HAVE BEEN MADE TO BUY AT LEAST TWO HELMETS, WE WILL DIRECT CONGRESS TO MANDATE THAT EVERY FOOL PURCHASE NEW, IMPROVED HELMETS WITH FILTRATION DEVICES.  ANTICIPATED NEED FOR FILTRATON HELMET LIES IS TWO TO THREE YEARS.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Good job, Frances! 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah agree!  Tha's one of the finest lies Ah ever heerd tell of! 

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  I've got another lie that will generate additional helmet sales!  The fools should be required to wear "sleep helmets". 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's brilliant!  Billions of field beasts fall out of bed while they're sleeping.  We don't want them to hurt their precious heads!

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Dan, that's a great lie.  It'll protect the millions of sleepwalkers, too.

They're always falling over and hurting themselves.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Sleepwalkers should have heavier helmets, since they may walk outside.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  You know what else?  Bath and Shower Helmets.  High moisture areas require special "helmetizaton", which will be the watchword for people who care.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's right!  The field beasts are always falling in the shower and hurting their heads. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Iffin they have to wear helmets in the shower, how'll the fools wash their hair? 

Dr. Murray Eel:  Who cares?  It's more important that they be protected from accidental falls.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's so true!  Timing is important.  On the Energy Committee, we're gonna have the Congressoids pass laws to make it illegal for the fools to have hot water in unpermitted houses, so we'll have to get these Bath and Shower helmets on the market while they still have tubs and showers at home!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  GOOD POINT, DR. DUDEWELL.  WE WANT TO BE SURE THE COMMITTEES ARE ALL MOVING TOWARD OUR COMMON GOAL AT THE SAME SPEED.   FIRST, TAXATION, THEN ENSLAVEMENT.  THEN, WELL. . . .

MEANWHILE, CLIENTS TELL US THAT MOST MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENTS USE THE BULK OF THEIR CASH FLOWS TO PAY SALARIES.  THERE ISN'T ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY THOSE REQUIRING EXPENSIVE TREATMENT.  LIES ARE NEEDED TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF PATIENTS.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  That's no surprise.  I see old, wrinkly people every time I get a prescription for new mood elevators.  They're always talking about how much their medicines cost.  What a colossal waste, giving medicine and care to old people.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah know it!  Iffin they'd jus' let the patients go home 'n die, we'd save trillions.  Healthcare execs are losin' mighty big bonuses.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Why wait for them to go home and die?  Why should we let sick people even get into the hospital?  We should have a Worthy Of Treatment Department to decide if someone is, well, "worthy of treatment".

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  I love dat phrase, "vorthy of treatment".  No field beast can be smart enuf to know if it is really sick.  And if it did know, so what?  Der fools need a certified person to tell dem if they're "Vorthy Of Treatment".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We shore don' wan' to waste no money gettin' 'em to the hospital.  Cab and bus fares add up.  We oughten to qualify 'em with a phone interview, where it's easier to say "no".

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Dick, I agree in principal, but if they die at home, we may lose out on valuable organ sales.  What if a mortician or butcher beats us there?

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Morticians und butchers selling organs?  Vat's der vorld coming to?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  When they do get into the hospital, we have to get rid of the ones with unsalable organs.  And, we have to be sure we don't miss any good ones. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  We need some flunkies who knows how triage should work.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  What's 'triage'?  Ah ain't never heard of that.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Triage used to be, back when more people thought health care meant that we should care about health, that the sickest or most injured people were treated first.  Now, we want to treat them last, so they'll die before they run up big bills and we get a fair chance to sell their organs before they go bad.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah unnerstan'.  Iffin some field beast has a hangnail, he's gonna get treated afore one who's bleedin' to death.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  We have to be sure that we don't miss any good organs.  Triage should be centered around organ profit.  The first to die should be the one with the most salable organs.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  And, medical coverage.  The last person to be treated should always be someone without medical insurance and without any salable organs.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all can't be serious!  Surely everyone alreddy knows that!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Isn't dat already in der Hippocratic Oath?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Iffin it isn't, lets have our Congressoids put it there.  Actually, why should the Hippocratic Oath be longer than this?  "The last person to be treated should always be someone without medical insurance and salable organs." 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  FLUNKIES WILL BE ASSIGNED TO DEVELOP "TRIAGE FOR THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY."  PLEASE CONTINUE WITH COST-CUTTING LIES.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Some of the fools get tumors.  When they find out, they have the tumors expensively treated or removed.  We need to develop an especially brainless kind of enviromentalist twit who'll complain that "Tumors are living beings.  Tumors have rights, too."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah agree with that!  It's an acshual fact!  Tumors are livin' bein's.  They do have rights!  Tumors may not be mentioned in their precious "Constitution", but they're alive. That means they've got a right to life, and we've got to protect those rights!

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  How can we say that tumors have the right to life, and that unborn children don't?  Won't the fools notice?

Dr. Murray Eel:  The fools don't see anything wrong when we use their tax money to protect baby seals and spotted owls while we subsidize the killin' of their unborn children and grandchildren!  We'll tell 'em that it's being "especially enlightened" to protect the lives of precious tumors.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N germs have rights, too.  What right do pipple have to use deadly chemicals to attack helpless germs?  That ought to be as much of a crime as radiatin' a defenseless tumor.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I've always thought we should get rid of antibiotics.  When I think of all the poor, dying germs writhing in agony after every dose of anitbiotic, why, I get sick at the heartlessness of it all.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:   Any germ or tumor may be someone's grandfather in a new life-form.  So may any germ.  Just the other day, I was talking with Swami Randoo, and he said "We can't care enough about all the life on earth."

Dr. Murray Eel:  What about viruses?  People are always trying to kill the poor things.  It's so wrong, so very, very wrong.  And, killing viruses costs our clients a lot of money!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Al Gore says der very same ting.  Like Al and Swami Randoo, we haf ter get ober dis selfish preoccupation mit "vhat's best for people" and get people tinking about "vhat's best for life".  

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I think we should invite Swami Randoo to visit our committee.  There are a lot of serious issues.  For instance, should we begin an anti-X-ray campaign?  That would save our clients trillions, and would protect precious micro-life.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank tha's a great idea!  Swami Randoo would be a big help.  We can see how his religious approach has destroyed every country that it took hold in.  Dr. Dorkay, do you think that the Executive Committee would authorize it?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  I'll submit a formal proposal.  Frances, do you know how much he charges a day?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  When we hired him to lecture at Postum Multiversity, he only charged a million dollars a week, plus expenses.

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's a bargain.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  The million is quite reasonable.  The expenses were somewhat surprising.  He had Postum Multiversity send its 757 fleet over for him and his entourage.  He, his three hundred virgins, and a hundred heavily armed eunuch guards occupied the entire Marriott Grand.  By the time we paid transportation, food, lodging, clothing, and incidentals, it was another couple of million.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Chickenfeed.  Dan, it's only field-beast money, so it don' matter how much it costs.  Iffin he comes up with one good lie, it'll make all of us look good without us even havin' to think. 

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  His contract guarantees at least one lie effective enough to generate enough income to reimburse his client for the visit.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Frances, I'd like to hear more about Swami Randoo's three hundred virgins.  That's a lot of virgins!  What religion is he?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  He used to be a Buddhist.  Then, he became a Hindu.  He took the best parts of both religions.  then, he decided he liked the idea of a harem.  He threw in Mohammedism, and combined them into one.  Now, he's a Buddhumo.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Bud who?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Dick, it's pronounced "Boodhoomo", so it rhymes with "who do mo".  He combines the many, many Hindu deities with Buddhism's search for enlightenment and the Mohammedism search for lots of women.  In Buddhumo, people become more sensitive to more spiritual forces and life forms of present, past, and future generations as they grow closer to the cosmic life force.  And, they get to have sex with lots of women.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Cosmic life force?  He doens't believe in God, does he?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Of course not!  He believes that our inborn destiny is to be as God would be if he were, and grow as close to that ideal as possible.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Like Karl Marx.  Ve decide what attributes der right kind of God vould have, and, if der field beasts don't transform themselves into dat, ve kill them.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Well, after we get all their money.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOUR REQUEST FOR FUNDING A SEMINAR WITH SWAMI RANDOO HAS BEEN SUBMITTED AND APPROVED.  SWAMI RANDOO IS TO BE ADDRESSED AS 'THE' SWAMI RANDOO.

THE SWAMI RANDOO SHOULD BE SCHEDULED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR THE POSTUM MULTIVERSITY SEMINAR.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  All of us are very grateful for the opportunity to learn from The Swami Randoo and the new voodoo, oops, I mean, Buddhumo religion he developed.  Dr. Dudewell, I'd like you and Dr. Foopahstan to meet The Swami Randoo at the airport and escort him and his entourage to the hotel.

Dr. Dudewell:  How'll we recognize him?

Dr. Foopahstan:  He'll be the only one in the airport with three hundred virgins and a hundred heavily armed eunuch bodyguards.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Very funny, Frances.  Really, Dick, I don't think you'll have a hard time picking him out.   Get a couple hundred limos, some cattle trucks for the eunuchs, and bring 'em in!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Where we gonna have our meetin'?  Does he bring all his virgins and eunuchs to the meetin?  Ah never worked wiffen such an 'mportant person, so Ah'll need some advice.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  My own belief is that this meeting is so important that we should meet in Washington.  I'd like to have the Congessoids move out of the building, and meet in the Senate Chambers.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Great idea!  They're always looking for a chance to go on vacation.  Let's send 'em all to investigate the slaughters in Africa.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Which ones?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh, I don't know.  Pick any of them. 

Dr.  Murray Eel:  I don't know if Senators'll go anywhere without air-conditioning.  Let's send 'em to Switzerland.  They could have a meeting there.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Officially, Congress reports directly to the Sub-Committee for Political Lies.  Any orders will have to come from them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm on that committee.  Ah'll take care of it at our next meetin'.  Do y'all want the entire Congress, or jes' the Senate, to leave town?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Personally, I'd like to send them all to Africa and leave them there, but just getting the Senate out of town for our meeting is enough.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  How about a White House dinner for The Swami Randoo?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Now, that's an idea.  Dick, send the president to Africa with the Senate.  We can put The Swami up in his quarters.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that's a great idea!  How long y'all want him out of town?

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Let's check with The Swami Randoo. 

Dr. Murray Eel:  I've got an idea!  Let's have him address the U.N. while he's here.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Effen better, let's haf him be der U.N.'s new director.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Dick, will the Political Lies Sub-Committee approve?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank they'll do jes' that.  They're gettin' tired of the current guy.  He's maht be wantin' ter be usin' DDT in Africa, 'n they don' want that.  The Swami Randoo is a lot safer for our side.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  This is a dream come true!  The Swami Randoo running the United Nations!  Finally, all life forms will be respected.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'Ceptin' the field beasts!  We'll fix 'em good!  Finally!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  NONE OF THESE PROJECTS HAVE BEEN CLEARED BY EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE!  DR. DORKAY, YOUR COMMITTEE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!  WE WILL ANALYZE THE NEED FOR THE SWAMI RANDOO TO UTILIZE THE SENATE AND WHITE HOUSE.  WE WILL DECIDE IF THE SWAMI RANDOO IS TO TAKE OVER THE UNITED NATIONS AND WHEN THAT CHANGE WILL OCCUR.  WE WILL TELL THE POLITICAL SUB-COMMITTEE WHAT TO DO.

     WE HAVE A SPECIFIC ASSIGNMENT.  CLIENTS NEED MORE VACCINATIONS TO INCREASE CASH FLOWS.  GET THEM BACK TO WORK ON THIS. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  You all saw the directive.  And, I must admit, we were all getting a little carried away.  Evacuating the Senate and White House is, after all, an Executive Committee decision.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Do you think they'll approve?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, Ah thank they'll have to.  It's such a grand idea.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  In the meantime, I hope you've all had a chance to review some lies to tell about vaccinations.

Dr. Murray Eel:  I have.  Vaccinations are wonderfully popular.  Profitable, too!

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Dey are!  Vat ve do is get dere pipple on der Education Committee to mandate more vaccinations.  Millions of der field beasts take their young for the shots.  Since they're mandatory, our clients get to charge as much as dey vant!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah should say they're profitable!  Why, we got each 'n ever' l'il basta'd takin shots for tetanus, polio, whoopin' cough, shots on top of shots.  In mah own dist'ict, we got each of 'em gettin vaccineeated with nine, ten shots a year.  At a hunnerd dollars each!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  And der actual cost is less dan a nickle!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I've got an idea!  What about making up a vaccination for vaccinations?  You know, tell 'em that the other vaccinations'll make 'em sick if they aren't vaccinated for 'em?

Dr. Murray Eel:  Frances, you've made a true medical breakthrough!  It's like inventing X-Rays, or antibiotics.  You are a genius!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank tha's the bes' idee ever!  You shuld get a medal, Frances, a huge, solid gold medal the size of a basketball!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  You are both too kind.  But, I appreciate your thoughts, especially the one about the solid gold basketball and not just a huge golden disc. 

Dr. Heinrick Plow:  I'd like to suggest a vaccination for dandruff.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Heinrik, I didn't know there was such a thing.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Don't know iffin dere is, or not.  Seems simple enuf.  Just dissolve some dandruff and inject it in 'em.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  And, if they get dandruff afterwards, we'll charge 'em for another shot.  A "booster", I think they call it.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Dandruff and dandruff boosters.  Why, we'll be bringin' medicine where it's most needed, keepin' 'em lookin' good.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Lately, there's been too much focus on medicine to make people better.  We need vaccinations that they'll think are important.  I'd like to suggest a vaccination for acne.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yeller teeth.  Ah'd like to get 'em all vaccineyated fer that.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  How about a wrinkle vaccine?  The female field beasts would pay a lot for that.  Actually, I would, too.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Athlete's foot is a big problem.   Ought to be a vaccine for that. 

Dr. Murray Eel:  Runny noses are disgusting.  If we vaccinated them for that, they'd look a lot better. 

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  A lot uf vield beasts lose dere hair.  Ought to be vaccinated.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd like to see 'em gettin' vaccineyated fer body odor.  The way some o' them field beasts smell!  Wheew!

Dr. Murray Eel:  The actual vaccine for all those things should be easy to find and cheap to make.  Sounds like some good profits for our clients!  Especially if we could have the lice and nit picking chimpanzees give 'em the shots.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CLIENTS THINK THAT SOME OF THESE VACCINES MAY REPRESENT IMPORTANT MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGHS.  THEY DO, HOWEVER, THINK THAT SOME OF YOUR VACCINATIONS MAY BE HARD TO SELL. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  They all sounded good to us.  Which ones do they think won't sell?

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  AFTER DISCUSSION, THERE WAS NO UNAMINITY.  SOME THOUGHT THAT THE WRINKLE VACCINE WAS RIDICULOUS.  OTHERS THOUGHT THE BODY ODOR VACCINE COULDN'T WORK.  BUT, AFTER A LONG AND INVOLVED EXECUTIVE SESSION, ALL AGREED THAT SALES OF ALL VACCINES WERE BOTH LIKELY AND PROFITABLE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY WORKED.  PLEASE CONTINUE.

Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah'd lak to vaccineyate 'em frum thinkin'.  Iffen we could inject 'em with som'thin' that'd jus' shut down their brains, that'd make thin's easier fer us.

Dr. Murray Eel:  That's a whole new direction.  To shut the fools up, we could vaccinate them against talking, too.  I hate it when they talk.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I hate it, too!  Yakyakyak.  They just go on and on, and all I really want them to do is die.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  That's all any of us want, Frances.  I wonder if there's a vaccincation for life.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  You mean, a vaccination that would make them die? 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Yes.  No.  I don't know. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank Ah may know whatchu mean.  You don' want 'em to die, but you don' want 'em livin', either.  You wan' 'em to be able to go through the motions, but tha's it.

Dr. Dan  Dorkay:  That's it.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Vat you vant are fur dem to be giffen lobotomies.  Dat's a form of vaccination against tinking.  No questioning, no joy, no feelings.  Just movement.  Doing simple things in simple ways.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Kin we do that?  Lobotomize pre-schoolers? 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh, I can lobotomize.  It's in my degree from Postum.  I'm all for more lobotomies.  We need them.  I've got two more doctors operating for me, one from, oh, I don't know, one of the 'stans.  The other is from mainland China.  That gives me six operating physicians, altogether.  We can lobotomize an entire classroom in a day!

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Is there something between vaccination and lobotomy?  Som'thin' that school nurses, better yet, trained chimps, could do for low-budget districts?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah gots an idea!  Let's do a bigger version of achoopuncher.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Dick, what in the world are you talking about?

Dr.  Heinrick Plow:  I'm thoroughly confused.

Dr. Dick Dudwell:  Achoopuncher.  Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout.  Stickin' Chinese needles in pipple.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Acu-puncture!  I see.  Well, what about it?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wiffin achoopuncher, we stick big needles in their brains 'til they stop talkin', or eatin', or smokin' or whatever it is we don' wan' 'em to be doin'.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Do ve leave the needles in place?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah shorely don' know.  We are still in the 'xperimental stages of this here procedure.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  How do we get the needles in?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  You guys are askin' awful technickal questions.  Ah haven't got all the bugs wurked out of it yet, but, jus' guessin', what we'd do is take out part of their skull-bone, 'n jes' stick a needle in until they quit talkin', or whatever.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Dick, that's a marvelous idea!  But, acupuncture needles are very small.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Not these.  These 'ud be the size of sixteen penny nails.  Big as darnin' needles.  No point in messin' 'roun'.  We want's to get 'em achoopunchered fast!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  What if we left them in?  They could get hit by lightning!  Tangled up in shrubbery.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  So what?  Slow ''em down, keep 'em inside.  Jes thank how quiet they'd be.  Still, leave 'em so's they could mow our grass, wash our windows, stuff like that.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Dick, that's a marvelous breakthrough.  You know, I bought one of those "helper chimps" from a friend at the zoo.  I have to beat it with a stick to get it to wash my windows.  A brain-acupunctured field beast would be much better.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Especially if it couldn't talk!  I'd like to have a couple dozen.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank we all 'ud like a coupla dozen of 'em.  Where we gonna get some to 'speriment on?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Let's go to some high school.  We'll get a bunch of kids bored with study hall, gas 'em, 'n take off part of their skull.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Then, just start stickin' till they can't talk any more but can follow simple instructions!

Dr. Murray Eel:  That sounds like fun!  I'd like to help out, as a paid volunteer, of course, in any way I can.  I'd even take some of them home with me for various testing procedures.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  We've got a lot of research to do!  I want to know that if we use hollow needles, we could inject hot water into their brains.  Real hot water, right where it would do the most good!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Or, ice vater.  Maybe, liquid nitrogen. Ve have to experiment thoroughly ter be sure ve find der best way.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  The bes' way to do what, 'sactly?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Der best way to make them tractable yet trainable. 

Dr. Murray Eel:  If we could freeze or burn their tastebuds out, we'd be able to feed 'em cheaper slop.  Save a lot of money.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  If we could destroy the parts of their brains that felt cold, we could keep 'em in unheated barns!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah sees whatchu mean!  These are great opp'rtunities for mankind. 

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Great days for "person"kind, Dick. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yur abs'lutely raght!  Talkin' lak a hick the way Ah do, Ah sometimes use the old words when the new uns are so much better.  But, shouldn't it be "human" kind?

Dr.  Murray Eel:  That was last week.  Or last month.  Maybe, last year.  New words come and go so fast around here that I can't keep track.  Anyway, "human"kind went out because "man" was in "huMAN".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Cain't have that.  But, ain't "son" in per"SON"?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Language Alert!  Languate Alert!  I'm calling a "Language Alert" right now.  We all have to concentrate!  Dick has discovered an overlooked sexism!  We have to eliminate it! 

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  This means we have to come up with new word to replace "person".  Do the originators of new, non-sexist words still get a hundred thousand dollars from the Bates Foundation?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Yes, but only if the word replaces a formerly sexist noun or verb with completely confusing non-sexual word or phrase.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah gots a good 'un.  Ah thanks we shuld be replacin' both the wurd "human" 'n the wurd "person" wiffin "huper".

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  "Huper"?  Vat's dat mean? 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, what Ah did was take the "hu" frum "HUman" and the "per" from "PERson", 'n Ah stuck 'em together 'n made "huper".  Ah'm submittin' it to the Bates Foundation.  Ah'm a needin' sum cash fer an investment.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Oh, Dick, that sounds exciting.  Any opportunities for the rest of us?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  There shore are!  What Ah'm agonna do is find a big machine somewheres that'll make big, holler needles to use for brain-deadenin' them dam' field beasts.  Won't matter iffin research says ter injec' boilin' water or freezin' water inter their brains, Ah'll be ready wiffin the raht needle!

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dick, you are changink der subjec'.  Don't you hink, since ve're all on the same committee, dat ve should all get to benefit from "huper" and share in this marvelous investment opportunity?

Dr. Murray Eel:  Heinrik makes a good point.  Why, you wouldn't have thought of "huper" if Frances hadn't noticed the opportunity for a "Language Alert".

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  That's true, Dick.  So very, very true.  I did notice that "son" was in "person", which gave it an undesirable "maleness" and I was the one who noticed the opportunity for a Language Alert.

Dr. Murray Eel:  And, I was the one who discovered that Frances may not have made the connection between her calling "Language Alert" and the fact that it was morally right for you to share the proceeds of "huper" with at least me and Frances.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Nien!  Just un minute!  I'm on dis committee, too.  I contributed!  I vas the vun who tought of injecting liquid nitrogen or freezing water into der fools' brains. I should get to share, too.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  As titular Committee Head, I believe that all of us have made important contributions, if only just by being here.  It is my decision that All Of Us get to share in the Bates Foundation Award for replacing sexist words with new, non-offensive words and phrases.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  But, Ah was the one who thought of it!  Ah'd lak to share, but Ah got oblygations.  Ah got alymony goin' to four or five ex-wives.  Mebbe, six.  Each of 'em got big, big houses 'n lots of survants.  Ah needs this money.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Dick, we all have obligations.  Personally, I'm on the hook for eleven children that I inadvertantly fathered through a sperm bank donation.  I need the money just as much as you do!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  But, Ah was the one who thunk up the whole thang.  It oughten ter be mine.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  It doesn't work that way, Dick.  You are on a Committee, and Committee members do have rights.  If you make a formal request, I can certainly ask The Executive Committee for an official ruling.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  (whispers urgently) Dick, if you do that, they might make a negative entry in your personnel file! 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  (gives in with a shrug) Ah thank y'all are raht.  Ah'm honored to share any profuts frum the Dudewell Brain-Shrinkin' Needle Cump'ny wiffin y'all.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOU ALL SEEM TO WORK WELL TOGETHER.  YOUR NEXT PROBLEM HAS TO DO WITH OVERLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.  SOME OF THEM HAVE CONCLUDED THAT GOD HAS PROGRAMMED A NATURAL CURE FOR EVERY DISEASE.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  That's awful!  I mean, if that were true, then people could go pick fruit, leaves, bark, or roots, and cure themselves.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Some of them do just that.  Do many of the fools know about this?

Dr.  Murray Eel:  I hope not.  Usually, they're so brainwashed into thinking negatively about anything new they ignore it.  This sounds like another fad.  Maybe some celebrity looking for a bigger role shot off his mouth.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dey could find cures with animals and minerals, not just vegetables.  Ve can't have them thinking about this.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah shuld say not!  Iffin they was to figger out how simple it was to cure pipple, there wouldn't be many doctors drivin' anythin' more complycated than a bicycle.

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I didn't know it was that easy.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  It is.  Look at der statin drugs, for instance.  Dey get rid of cholesterol.  So do red yeast rice and cinammon.  Only difference is dat dey do it a lot cheaper.  Pipple can just grow their own.  Almost free.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  We have to put a stop to that! Maybe we should make cinammon illegal.  If people can go out and grow their own medicine, none of our clients make a nickle.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Heinrik, do you mean that if I ate, say a teaspoon of cinnamon every day mixed up with water, that my cholesterol would go down?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Most definitely.  And, it vould cost you about a dime a day, radder den fife or ten dollars.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  And, that red yeast rice?  It's so good at getting rid of cholesterol that it'll hurt your liver just as much as Lipidsor, or whatever that statin drug is.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  They's lots of other thangs the fools be doin'.  They's gettin' all kinds o' fungusoidal 'fections.  You kno, athelete's foot, crotch rot?  They curin' it wiffin Vick's Vapo Rub.

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Dat's ust costing our clients billions!  It has to be stopped!

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  You know what I heard?  I heard that they were getting rid of moles and some kinds of skin problems by focusing light on them with a magnifying glass.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  That can't be true.

Dr Frances Foopahstan:  I have to confess that I tried focusing light with a magnifying glass on a mole on my arm.  Focused mid-morning light on it with a magnifying glass for, oh, I don't know, fifteen or twenty seconds, maybe longer. 

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Did it work?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  It was gone in a few days.  Got rid of age spots, too.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Make sure you don't tell anyone.  If our dermatological clients ever got wind of this, they'd blame us for letting it go on.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We're gonna have to recycle some ol' lies.  Y'all r'member.  "Too much light makes skin disappear", or, "Suntans, the silent killers."

Dr. Dan Dorkay.  We're all agreed.  We have to come up with good, sound lies to convince the fools not to grow or produce their own medicine.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Or take short cuts!  We can't let them, oh, I don't know, put a piece of tissue paper on a small cut when an expensive doctor's visit, properly fitted thermo-bandage, and antibiotic could be provided at high cost, waste of time, and great inconvenience.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Absolutely!  We can't let a hundred dollar office visit, a fifty dollar bandage and a fifty dollar shot be replaced with a tenth of a cent of Kleenex!  Why, it's unAmerican!  It's not sound medicine!  It ought to be a crime!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell: 'N it is a crime.  A crime ag'nst natchure. 

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  Iffin anyvun is caught curing any sort of dere own medical problem, vell, not just curing, but treating, if any of those filthy field beasts does anything to get better on dere own, ve jail them.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  N' fer a long, long time.

Dr. Murray Eel:  Fines.  We have to fine them, too.  And, how do we keep them going to American doctors?  They're our clients.  We don't want them going to Mexico or Cuba or anywhere like that.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  No, but we have to be sure that those of us with Postum Multiversity degrees can still hire doctors from those countries to do all our complicated operations and treatments.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Of course.  We certainly are not going to jeopardize the incomes of our fine, Postum graduates.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah was just wondrin' sum'thin'.  'Member how Ah had ter share the income from the Bates Foundation?  'N ah may haf ter share profuts frum the Dudewell Brain-Destroyin' Needle Company?  Jes' why don' Frances haf to share the proceeds of all them operashuns wiffin the rest of us?

Dr. Heinrik Plow:  I neffer tought of that!  Vy, just since we've been in dis meeting, Frances's doctors could haf made haf a million dollars on operations going on all over the world.  How many doctors do you have operating for you, and in how many time zones, Frances?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  I hardly see that as any of your business. 

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Technically, Frances is right.  She received her Postum Multiversity Degree before she started working here.  Therefore, she technically has the rights to the income stream she established.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah bin comin' up wiffin gud idees fer a long time 'fore Ah was on this here committee.  Isn't that the same thang?

Dr. Dan Dorday:  Not quite.  Dr. Foopahstan had an established cash flow in place before she joined.  Your cash flow was never, well, it was never what you'd call "established".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mebbe not, but it was there.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. DORKAY IS CORRECT.  SORRY, DR. DUDEWELL.  YOU MADE A GOOD TRY, BUT PRECEDENT IS CLEAR.  YOU HAVE TO SHARE BECAUSE IT'S A NEW CASH FLOW DEVELOPED ON COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENT.  DR. FOOPAHSTAN HAD AN ESTABLISHED CASH FLOW.   WE HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT.  ONE CLIENT WANTS AMERICAN AND EUROPEAN HOSPITAL PATIENTS DYING YOUNGER.  SO DOES ANOTHER CLIENT FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

Dr. Dan Dorkay:  Well, we've got our assignment.  Start cutting expenditures.  Wonder who the Middle-Eastern client is?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  We aren't always supposed to know, but I think it's one of the sponsors of "Medihad".

Dr.  Murray Eel:  What's that?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  It's shorthand for "Medical Jihad".  That's when all their "sleepers", medical personnel masquerading as "health care professionals", go into action and eliminate all possible enemies.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Oh, dat sounds like fun!  I luf it ven religious fanatics kill each udder.  My guess is dat der Medical Jihad people vill be getting rid uv Christians und Chews?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Depends on where they are.  They'll get rid of everyone they can who's not in their particular sect of Islam.  In the West, they vill kill Christians and Jews.  In Iran, they vill kill Sunnis.  Or Shiites.  They'll get Buddhists wherever they can find them.  They love eliminating Hindus.  Or, whomever else isn't a Zerohemo.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Is that what sec' the Medical Jihad pipple are?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Many of them belong to the Zerohemo Sect.  From West Kurdistan.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  And, vhen they get the signal, dey kill all der pipple in der hospittal who aren't Zerohomos?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  That's right.  When I heard about their plans, I wanted to pay the dues and join the Zerohemo sect.  I couldn't because they don't admit women.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Is that why so many people are becoming Zerohemos?  They don't want to be killed if they're anywhere near a Zerohemo medical practitioner?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Yes.  And, there is another reason.  When they die, Zerohemos get eighty virgins.  That's a statistically signifcant increase in the number of virgins, and a profoundly attractive theological breakthrough.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got's ter say, that 'hole thang is mystif'ing ter me.  Iffin Ah wanted ter start a new Moslim religion, 'n Ah'd say "Y'all gets a hunnert virgins.".  Wouldn't Ah be the clear winner?

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Is dat all dere is to it?  Whoeffer promises der most virgins vins der theological battle?

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  I'd go a hundred and ten!

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  There is more to it than that.  Seventy two virgins at death is the approved number.  Any increase has to be authorized by a fatwa.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  What in the worl' is a "fatwah"?

Dr. Frances Foopahstan:  Well, leading scholars get together and make a decision.  They are usually accompanied by large cash payments, mineral rights to oil fields, or tanker ships. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  How many tankers does it cost to go frum 80 to a hunnert virgins?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Dick, I don't know the answers to complicated theological issues.  I just know that there is a sound relationship between this world and the next.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  How many virgins wuld yu get, Frances?

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Frances is above that sort of thing.  When they get a higher mission, they don't do it for the money, but because they hear "a calling".

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  The rustlin' of money.  Tha's what I unnerstood a "call" ter be when Ah was passin' as a Near-Baptist.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  A "Near-Baptist"?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  The real Baptists threw us out, Ah'm proud ter say, when we decided that there warn't no reeson to stop wiffin wat was in the Bible.  W'al, we added a few chapters.  Took out a few, too.  When the Baptists found out, they 'jected us.  Burn't ahr buildin'.  Ah don' much lak real Baptists.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  That's a shame, Dick.  A real shame.  Worst thing about some of those religions.  No change.  Fatwas wouldn't have worked with them, would it?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  Baptists air too wurried 'bout goin' ter Heaven ter get bought out.  Wha' Ah'd lak ter be doin' is see iffin Ah culdn' git some of these har "Zerohemos" in ahr local hosp't'l.  Ah'd lak 'em ter git rid of a few pipple Ah don' much lak.  Pipple who don' show respec' for what Ah've done the way they shuld.

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  Dick, I'm sure there are a lot of people who'd like to have some trustworthy person in their local hospital to get rid of local troublemakers.  This committee should explore the possibility of getting Zerohemos to do medical jihad work all over the country.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  We could use Zerohemos to wipe out Republicans!  Give 'em a signal to kill every Repuplican in every hospital!

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Ve could vinally get rid of Catholics!  Ve could get rid of anybody ve didn't like!  Medical jihad is der answer to a prayer! 

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  How do we find these people?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Just advertise in the big newspapers in any big middle-eastern city.  Medical Jihadists are dying, or should I say, killing, for high-paying jobs in European and American hospitals and medical centers.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  How many hospitals haf got der Zeorohemos alreddy ter start der killin'?

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  No one really knows. 

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  You know about the tattoo, don't you?

Dr.  Murray Eel:  What tattoo?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Well, if you have this secret tattoo, then the Zerohemos know not to kill you when the fawta is issued to get rid of everyone.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wha's dis hare tattoo look lak?

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Frances, we haf ter know.   Ve need ter get der raht kind ub tattoo four ourselfs.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  I really can't say.  I don't have one, if that's what you're thinking. 

Dr.  Murray Eel:  (urgently whispers to Dr. Dick Dudewell)  I'll bet she's got one!  She just doesn't want to say!)

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wal, now, Frances, iffin you don' got one, how'da know about 'em?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  One of the wives in the harem next door was sold to my ex-husband by a Zerohemo.  For an oil well!  She told us about it.  No women are allowed to have the tattoo.  Only men.  It costs five million dollars.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Dat iss reasonibble.  How do ve find out who to pay?

Dr.  Dan Dorkay:  We could hire a flunky.

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  That's always the easiest way.

Dr.  Murray Eel:  Frances, do you still have contact with your ex?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Not since he divorced me. 

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  How culd any man in his raht mind wan' to deevorce a woman as stunnin' as y'all?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  I was European.  Met him in college.  He had a lot of money, promised undying love, bought me a Ferrari, and, well, we married.  Then, when we visited his homeland, he tried to have me operated on, you know, and. . .

Dr.  Murray Eel:  That's awful, Frances.  For a kind, sensitive woman like you.  How did you escape?

Dr.  Frances Foopahstan:  Well, I talked him out of the operation, hid inside a giant box of chocolates that one of his newest wives was given, and emptied in a week, was trucked to a dump, got out of the box, found a US military truck, and made my way here.

Dr.  Heinrik Plow:  Vat a romantical story!  Vat did you do