Schism Seminary’s famous Political Department offers a real advantage to ambitious multi-millionaire Mega-church ministers. The Departmental Overview is simple: Elections, local, county, and state, are usually decided by a small number of voters. You will learn how to use your growing congregations to political advantage.
Think of it! Vain, unprincipled men, concerned only about personal power and advancement will come to you, begging for support. They are not like you! They usually don’t even pretend to be Christians, even in the most ephemeral sense of the word. They only care about being elected and re-elected.
Why should you be involved with politics?
Someday, you will need to have a traffic light installed. On special occasions, you will need policemen assigned to direct traffic. Local governments can provide them at no cost. Sometimes, you will have to get variances to avoid expensive compliance with a lot of silly rules. Neighbors will complain about your Christmas Carols being broadcast at ear-splitting volumes. Others will hate the bright lights you have to have for parking lot security.
The bigger and more important your Mega-church becomes, the more complaints you will generate from neighbors. They will really squawk when your huge helicopter lands at odd hours on your new roof-top helipad! Stifling those kind of complaints is just one reason you need to take the courses provided by Schism Seminary’s Political Department.
We show you what politicians are for and how to utilize their considerable influence. And, we teach you to go beyond local concerns, like violating the occasional building code or zoning ordnance.
The Political Department at Schism Seminary has experienced and analyzed every conceivable political problem. Our courses help you to understand and prevail in every political situation. Backing up our years of experience? Banks of powerful computers access vast amounts of information about voter turnout, party affiliation, super-voters, and attitudes in every voting district in America with one of our graduates’ Mega-churches!
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It’s not enough to merely understand that! You have to communicate your political clout to candidates. We teach you to say, slowly and profoundly: “Personally, as a Minister of The Gospel, I am not allowed to recommend candidates for Public Office. But, when the issues are as important as these, I make sure that our 4,207 registered voters are encouraged to do the right thing. Volunteer staffers have actually put together our “Family, Friends, and Neighbors Voter Turnout Program. Amazingly, in this district, by knocking on doors, sending emails, and making mailings, we can count on over 20,000 reliable voters. They, like me, will work, and vote, to make things better.”
When you’ve learned a few lines like that, and back them up with a few election victories, everyone from County Commissioners to local Mayors will start being much nicer to you.
Here, at Schism Seminary, we teach you how to make your dreams of political power ever bigger! Politicians love to be idolized, and you will enjoy the thrill of being idolized by them! A few U.S. Senators, Representatives, and Governors addressing your congregation a couple of times a year, invariably complimenting you and your congregation for the good works you do, as in your Bridges and Parks Missions, makes everyone feel good about themselves!
Don’t overlook a very important side benefit. You will be able to get the occasional state, federal, or local government job for some ne’er do relative of a big donor! Keeps the rest of them in line!
Who understands this better than Schism Seminary? Schism Seminary understands how important politics is.
Be sure to sign up for our Political Department courses. Invent your own schism! Part 22 “Using Politicians to help you do the Lord’s work.”
