As your new schism grows, you will be amazed at the money you’re making! Still, you are smart enough to understand that you can make even more. Once you have enough donors to pay your expenses, future contributions drop straight to the bottom line. Your bottom line!
Today, we’ll review some basics about how the experienced experts, here at Schism Seminary, can help you!
Lesson #1: If you are in the right area, a reasonably prosperous large neighborhood or outer suburb, there will be lots of little Mainline churches nearby. They are dying like flies. When you open up your Victory Family United Independent Reform Evangelical Old Time Bible Church, you’re going to put some of those churches out of business.
Don’t feel guilty! They can’t survive! They are living on borrowed time. They’re stuck with actual rules. For instance, they are stuck with the old doctrines Protestants used to have that discourage sinful activity. Well, you know what happens. There’s always some minister or another who “feels called” to ordain, marry, or praise activities or people once thought to be “wrong”.
Every time that happens, you can benefit! Big Time! If the Methodists allow some minister to marry his son and his boyfriend, the “old-fashioned” Methodists will be mad! Here, at Schism Seminary, we teach you how to write letters appealing to those disaffected Methodists. Some of them are big tithers! We can guarantee at least five percent of them will switch over to your personal schism.
On the other hand, maybe the Methodists will fire the minister who did the ordaining, marrying, or praising. Then, you send a different kind of message, a “letter of understanding” to all the registered Democrats in that church. Schism Seminary has brilliant writers who can help you learn to crank out that kind of letter, too.
No matter what the denomination, no matter what the issue, Schism Seminary can help you get more, and bigger, tithers for you and your personal schism!
Do you know what else we can do for you? We can write all those letters for you, so that you aren’t accused of “taking advantage” by “playing both sides against the middle”. We merely list your church as “an approved alternative” for anyone who’s mad at any church for any reason! It will be the only alternative that seems reasonable to anyone driving by the seedy, run-down church buildings we also mention. We keep lists, by zip-code, of “unapproved” churches so run down they’d be condemned if they were homes.
That’s the kind of detail we provide. No one else cares about your financial well being as we, your friends at Schism Seminary. Your own mega-church can use the experts here at Schism Seminary to help you do better. Frankly, we need you, as well, to help spread the word about us, at Schism Seminary!
Together, we can make a difference!