Do you want to fly with the angels? Of course you do! That’s why you’re reading about Schism Seminary, where you can learn to make the really big money in the Business of Christianity. You are considering Schism Seminary, where the High Road meets The Bottom Line.
So, when you want to “fly with the angels”, you realize there’s only one way to do that! In your own, personal Lockheed Mission Jet. This two engined (for safety!) miracle will get you across a Continent before someone in the masses gets to and through an airport!
No poking and prodding by TSA gropers for you! Nope. When you have graduated from Schism Seminary, you’ll know how to start a schism of your own, and make it so profitable that you are guaranteed to be able to afford your very own Lockheed Mission Jet.
And, we even provide missions for you! You don’t have to bother talking with a lot of smelly natives who need everything there is. Nope. We already have our famous Schism Seminary missions set up and running. They’re camera ready. And, we have the cameramen! You don’t even have to show up! We can photoshop you talking to actual natives in native costumes!
You can take your choice! We have primitive-looking people of all kinds, living in everything from hammocks to wigwams to igloos. We put you in the right costume, and get you and your sincere face right in there with them! Your congregation will think you care about poor people all over the world! We even have framed “Thank You!” letters, scrawled in barely decipherable letters that you can share with wealthy donors to let them understand “How very, very much work we have to do.” in whatever imaginary place your caring visage has been meticulously photo-shopped.
These photos, videos, and U-Tubes can be used for fundraisers, mailers, public relations releases. Our photographs are are of such professional quality they can be framed and hung in your offices.
At Schism Seminary, we want you to look like you care, and we do it well. Because, we care!
Good news on making your jet affordable! Schism Seminary is working on an exclusive Distribution Agreement with Lockheed. Soon, we’ll have our own lease/purchase agreement in place. We will be able to provide you with your very own personal Lockheed Mission Jet at the lowest possible cost! Schism Seminary has so many Mega-Church multi-millionaire minister clients that Lockheed sells us personal jets cheaper than many governments can buy them!
If you don’t have your own personal Lockheed Mission Jet, or plans to buy one, we urge you to enroll. Schism Seminary is here to help you!