Pastor Pitstop had a close call! He was nearly fired for violating the policy of The Second Independent United Reform Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church of North America. He’d invested his church’s entire Roofing Fund in a fly-by-night evangelical program without Board approval.
But, Pastor Pitstop was the only Protestant minister in North America who defended the entire Protestant Establishment against its two great rivals, The Roman Catholic Church and the far more dangerous Mega-Church Movement that wipes out dozens of smaller churches every month. So, his board decided to not fire America’s most famous defender of the Protestant Establishment. Pastor Pitstop was kind enough to let us know how he sees his enemies.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
If it hadn’t been for you Catholic Fundamentalism people going on and on about how much better it is to be Catholic, just because your Church was founded by Jesus to provide His Body and Blood, which is the most ridiculous thing anyone ever heard, I wouldn’t have started writing these letters. Those letters let me keep my job! So, I’m grateful to you for that.
You Catholics are still wrong about things, and we are just as good as you are. But, you Catholics aren’t actively trying to destroy us small, Protestant churches.
Those massive Mega-Churches are our real enemy! They have marketing plans! Sophisticated software programs identifying the needs and problems of every identifiable group! Word processors, mailing lists, phone banks, and email addresses reach out to them every day, if they want. The Mega-Churches are all run by greedy centralizers and consolidators! They are wiping us out!
They are doing to us smaller Protestant churches just what the big chains did to Mom n’ Pop stores. The Mega Churches are a theological blitzkrieg. We didn’t even see them coming! Why, if it weren’t for the endowment fund that our church inherited from “Tricky” Mickey Pickee, the bootlegging great-grandfather of that awful Nancy Pickee, CPA, we’d be broke!
Some of those Mega-Church Ministers know how many small churches are barely hanging on. I’d surprised they don’t take advantage of low interest rates, and just buy all our churches! I hope they don’t think of that. Some Roll-up Mega Church could take over every Protestant Church in a city, keep the good ones open, close the under-performers, and turn the ministers into bus drivers, taking people wherever they were told. They could fund the start-up by selling the real estate!
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I hate those Mega-Churches! Why, just the other day, Minister McMacMack from Mighty Mountain Mega stopped by. “Why don’t you guys join with us as an ‘Associate’ church? You might as well. You Second Independent United Reform Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Churches are just leftovers from some old theological disputes that no one even remembers.”
Well, he was right about that. Even I had to look up the history to find that it was the unusually ample posterior of a wealthy member’s wife in the Original Perkmistianist Church that prompted the removal of pads from pews, outraging many of our clergy and dividing our denomination. Minister McMacMack was right. The very cause for our being is actually a theological embarrassment.
No wonder these Mega Churches are doing so well. When they dig up the reasons for any Protestant church’s existence, all they find is some greedy minister who wanted to run, start, or take over his own church or denomination.
Those Mega Church people shouldn’t be allowed to tell people that there was no good reason for us to get started, so there can’t be any good reason for us to keep going. Today, guys with degrees in advertising, marketing, finance, and an MBA are putting us out of business. Why can’t they just leave us alone?
Frankly, I think I’d rather be a Roman Catholic than a tiny cog in a religion that’s been turned into a business. I don’t see Minister McMacMack taking a vow of poverty. Hard to do that and have a private jet.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop.
