All of us at Catholic Fundamentalism were very relieved to get a letter from Pastor Pitstop that was much more cheerful. His depression seems to have ended. He is no longer bothered by the fact that he is the only Protestant clergyperson who is defending the Protestant Establishment. He seems to be over the feeling that he is the “last man standing” at the Alamo, or some such place.
Pastor Pitstop is now focused on what he calls The Protestant Sacraments.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
I have decided that you Catholics have too many Sacraments. You only need Baptism, Marriage, and Friendliness to be a Completed Protestant. Those are the only Sacraments that all Completed Protestants need.
Baptism is important because it, well, I’m not sure what it does, but it’s so widely recognized that a Completed Protestant should encourage it. The Sacrament of Baptism may be by total immersion in the River Jordan. But, most people can’t afford that. No matter. Completed Protestants understand that that there are water molecules from the River Jordan floating everywhere throughout the atmosphere, so everyone on earth is, in a way, automatically baptized.
And, a Completed Protestant does not need to be totally immersed. At the Second Independent United Reform Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church, we use little spritzer bottles. They work just as well as anything else. Sometimes, the audience joins me in spritzing. We use rain water, because it’s more likely to have River Jordan water molecules in it than water from some well hundreds of feet deep.
Marriage is a tricky Sacrament. Across town, in the First Independent United Reform Plain-Pew Perkmistianist Church, one of the older women got the notion in her head that she and her cat were soul-mates. “Shouldn’t we be married?”, she asked Ministeress Rayettanne Oscar-Mayer. Rayettanne called me for advice, as she always does when there’s an important theological issue that she needs to get right.
I only had one question: “Is the woman a major supporter? If so, you’d better marry her and her cat fast, or she’ll go to someone who will!” I told her what had happened to a wealthy attendee at one of the mini-evangelical outfits who wanted to marry herself, since she could find no one who deserved her. “The minister refused, giving her that old-fashioned ‘marriage is between a man and a woman’ malarky. She called Minister McMacMack, up at Mighty Mountain Mega-Church. He sent his helicopter for her, and in half an hour, fifty people from his Finance Outreach daylight office shift were marched into the Church’s Coliseum Chapel in a “Respect Yourself Totally Ceremony” in which he married the woman to herself. He ended up with all her donations from then on. And, he was mentioned very favorably in her will. Not Mighty Mountain Mega, but Minister McMacMack, personally!
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Well, after talking to me, Rayettanne Oscar-Mayer understood the problem. She had that woman married to her cat in a week. Big article in the paper focused on the cat having been given away by the woman’s beagle and saying “Meeee-ow!” when asked if it took the woman for her lawful, wedded spouse. The YouTube video of it went Viral. Rayettanne Oscar-Mayer is now one of the nations most trusted ministeresses. Turned out that lots of women wanted to do the same thing, and Rayettanne got herself a nice little source of extra income! “Every week or so, there’s another crazy old lady with a cat!” she gushed at lunch just the other day after a few of her favorite white wine coolers. “Only problem is this: every time I marry a woman and her cat, a few older members of the congregation disappear.”
I was outraged! “Too bad for them! Those old-fashioned people are boring and dull. I’ll be happy when they’re all gone!” That’s what I like about being a Protestant pastor. We’re independent, and we can marry whomever and whatever we want! And, more of those pesky old people are dying off lets us do whatever we want. As long as we think it’s right, of course. It has to be right.”
Now, what was that third Sacrament that you need to be a Completed Protestant? Oh, Friendliness. Can’t go wrong being friendly! Sacraments help us get closer to God, and we all know that Friendliness is Next to Godliness.
Or, is it Cleanliness? Hmm. Maybe there are four Sacraments necessary to be a Completed Protestant. I’ll ask Rayettanne what she thinks about it at lunch tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
Obviously, Pastor Pitstop is back to normal. Wonder if Mrs. Pitstop will be joining him and Rayettanne Oscar-Meyer for lunch and white wine coolers?
