There is a Big Change coming over at Pastor Pitstop’s 2nd United Reform Independent Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church. It appears that Pastor Pitstop is dating Rayetteanne Oscar-Meyer, the Head Ministerette of the nearby Plain-Pew Perkmistianist Church. They’ve been dating since Pastor Pitstop’s divorce from his second wife, Courtknee Pitstop. She, and their three children, have been living on welfare in a housing project. Pastor Pitstop, we’ve heard, rarely visits. “It’s just not safe.”, he explained.
He writes to let us know that, even though he has not been celibate, that he is just as good as any Catholic priest.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
I have to tell you guys that, yes, I am “in a relationship” with another woman. A woman to whom I am not married. I have been dating Rayetteanne Oscar-Meyer, Head Ministerette of the local Plain-Pew Perkmistianist Church.
The two of us have explored the possibility of uniting our two Perkmistianist Churches. “Why should something as trivial as pads on pews keep people apart?”, we ask each other. “Why?”
I really don’t remember which of us thought of the solution to the theological problem that divided our church early in its ancient history. It was sometime between 1870 and 1880 that The Perkmistianist Church divided, the two strongest groups being those congregations who preferred padded-pews and those who thought plain pews were “good enough”.
“What we’ll do is this!” one of us, I think it was me, suggested. “We can put pads on half the pews! We can alternate plain and padded pews! Or, we can make one half of each church with padded pews, one half with plain!”
And, we need to do something. Fast! Every year, we’ve been losing one or two people to the Catholic Church. And, when Minister McMacMack started building up Mighty Mountain Mega, the huge mega-church just down the road, both our Perkmistianist Churches lost over half our members. Our Sunday Schools are completely empty and our finances are, well, we’re close to broke. The only way we can survive is to merge.
If we can get our two churches as close as Rayetteanne Oscar-Meyer and I have become, we can become one Church and survive these difficult theological times.
So, I ask you, if that kind of good can come out of very, very close personal relationships, isn’t that better than celibacy? Rayetteanne has been married and divorced, though not as often as I have, and there is nothing wrong with mature, consenting adults having the closest kind of personal relationships.
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If Rayetteanne and I were celibate, we might never have gotten together. If we hadn’t, the Plain-Pew and Padded-Pew Perkmistianists might not be thinking about joining together. United in every way. The best part of it is that we will be able to sell one church, and use that money to put a new roof on my church. My church is the one we’ll be keeping, even if Rayetteanne doesn’t think so, right now. She’ll come around, I know she will.
She also feels that she should be the Senior Pastorette and that I should be the Associate, and we should sell my church and move my congregation into hers, since she has been in the Perkmistianist Ministry six months longer than I have. But, I feel that I should be Senior Pastor and she should be the Associate. And, there are differences of opinion about which of us will have control of our new, increased finances. I, of course, am most qualified to handle the money, both from the increased budget and from the sale of her church building and land.
I hope we can put our personal differences aside, and join together in a pure, ecumenical movement that will inspire other Protestants to get together. As time goes by, I can see that she is almost too opinionated and stubborn to do what is right.
And, during our discussions, and all the disagreements we’ve had, two families in my congregation, and three of hers, have quietly left. One became a Catholic, and the other four families went over to Mighty Mountain Mega. I just don’t see why Protestants can’t work effectively together.
Someone has to be in charge of these decisions, and I am the most qualified and able. Ministerette Rayetteanne Oscar-Meyer should just swallow her pride and do what’s right.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
“Wow!”, said our Editor in Chief, as the Editorial Board reviewed Pastor Pitstop’s letter. “If they would just take a Vow of Obedience, they wouldn’t have these problems!” Everyone nodded. “And, it’s easy to see how Vows of Celibacy would have kept them from the distractions that seem to be destroying their unification attempts.”, said one. “And, welcoming some Poverty would take away their obsessions with who’s going to get control of the money to be made from doubling one congregation and selling an old building.”
We agreed that the Protestant inclination to “do their own thing” would keep their collapsing churches apart, even if their pride forced both to be closed. And, that it would destroy the relationship that prompted them to join their churches as themselves. “They are confused!”, was our unanimous opinion. “They are not Catholic.”
