I learned Protestant Theology in my lunch with Pastor Bob. By our third glass of wine, I heard about “Oldster Affinity Clubs” in the Marketing Plan for Dying Protestant Groups.
“I never heard of Oldster Affinity Clubs.”
Pastor Bob explained: “The Marketing Plan for Dying Protestant Groups gets us to focus on who has the money. Young families don’t have any money. But, those oldsters are rolling in it! Houses! Stocks! Bonds! Antiques! Collectibles! Cash in the bank! Cars! Household goods! Insurance policies! They’re all going to die and their greedy kids want everything they’ve got.”
“But, Pastor Bob, their children and grandchildren have a lot of expenses with their own families. It’s only natural for them to expect parents and grandparents to help.”
“We know! That’s why we have to focus on turning Rich Old Protestants into doing something unnatural! We use Oldster Affinity Clubs to turn them against their own children! The Marketing Plan for dying Protestant Groups tells us what to do. ‘Tell your oldsters they have a moral obligation to leave their children as little as possible because coming into money actually hurts people who aren’t used to it! Tell ’em their children and grandchildren don’t pay attention to you, they never take you places, they never ask your advice, they don’t care about you, and that all they want is your money. Teach ’em a lesson! Don’t leave ’em anything!’ That’s what we tell ’em! It’s all laid out in the Marketing Plan for Dying Protestant Groups, right in the Oldster Affinity Clubs section.”
“Do the rich old Protestants listen to you?”
“They don’t at first. That’s why those Oldster Affinity Clubs are so important! Once we get ’em into our Oldster Affinity Clubs, we have time to talk with them. We have dinners! We suffer through the pain of listening to them sing and play instruments at lunches! We take ’em on house tours! We take ’em to tourist attractions! We take ’em on trips that last for days! We get to know them. They think we are their friends. Their only friends. And, we ask ‘Do your children and grandchildren ever do anything fun with you? Or, are they like all the others, ignoring you? Do they have more important things to do?'”
“So, you turn them against their own children and grandchildren?”
“We sure do! After a couple of hours a day with each one of them on a week-long trip, they have a sullen, resentful, ‘I’ll teach those ungrateful children of mine to ignore me!’ attitude that means big bucks for us when the will is read! And the high blood pressure that builds up just hastens the day!”
“Pastor Bob, isn’t that wrong of you?”
“No! We have a higher goal! It’s important to keep our churches open so we can go on doing good works! How else can we get the money to go on helping people? Pay our salaries? Medical benefits? Contribute to our Retirement Fund? Pay our own kids’ college tuition? We need Oldster Affinity Clubs so that we Pastor Bobs end up with every penny we deserve, which is every penny can get! It’s the American Way!”
As we drained our third glass of wine, I was again, grateful to be a Catholic.