Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism! has made a great step forward by understanding: “Catholics and old-fashioned Protestant denominations baptize babies by pouring or sprinkling a little water on their heads. That is so wrong! Babies should not be baptized. Neither should teen-agers.”
Pastor Bob explains: “We are the new, Perfectly Purified Protestants, proud to be in Denomination Number 45,000 and ONE! We aren’t like Catholics or those old, boring Protestant denominations. No simple sprinkling or pouring water on the head for us! If a person REALLY wants to be Baptized like Jesus, he or she must be Truly Baptized at the age 30, or older here!”
Where does this miracle happen? “Our new mega-church at the corner of Broadpath and Slide produces Perfectly Purified Protestants. Our Baptismal Font is a narrow, Olympic-length swimming pool from an aquarium! It has glass walls so that all may see the proper Baptism of Perfectly Purified Protestants. It is filled with water that we ship over from The River Jordan, every year!”
Circulating pumps provide current that matches River Jordan flow! In the Spring, when The River Jordan is running faster, the speed of the current in The Giant, Glass Baptismal Font matches it! How did Pastor Bob perform that Great Miracle in Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism!?
Pastor Bob blessed and personally placed a water speed gauge in The River Jordan, “right near where Jesus may have been baptized!” A satellite connection communicates River Jordan Water Speed directly to his Holy Pump Control. No matter what time of the day or night or season, his followers are assured that the water in their Baptism matches the speed of the River Jordan at The Baptism of Jesus!
Was Jesus facing upstream? Downstream? Was He facing toward the left or right bank? Was He face up or face down? No one knows!
Pastor Bob solved That Great Theological Puzzle! Baptism Assistants in Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism! totally submerge the Approved Candidate facing upstream, then, downstream. Then, the immersed the candidate faced toward the left bank, then toward the right bank of the Giant Baptismal font. Leaves of transplanted palm trees from Jordan flutter in the breeze from silent fans!
Then, Schism began to fragment Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism!
Greedy assistants saw the money flowing in! Some left Pastor Bob, and started churches built around Giant Baptismal Fonts of their own. Those money-hungry ingrates left poor Pastor Bob, who’d taught them everything they knew! They started their own Churches of The Perfect Baptism just to make money!
Pastor Bob was not discouraged. “It is so wrong of them to go out and confuse people with their false doctrines!” This great Christian did not hate them. He prayed for their souls! “May God give them the justice they deserve by sending them all to hell!”
How The Pastor prayed! He was given “Holy Inspiration!” Wow! Now, Approved Candidates are strapped to an actual wooden cross, to be more like Jesus as they “die to the world”. They are submerged in the Giant Baptismal Font while lashed to his Amazing Inspiration, Pastor Bob’s Baptismal Cross.
That Theological Breakthrough makes Pastor Bob’s Perfectly Purified Protestants the Purest Protestants of all! Then, Another Inspiration! Pastor Bob Baptismal Cross is lifted up by The Patented Pastor Bob Baptismal Crane. The cross AND the Approved Candidate are lowered into The Flowing River Jordan Water, and rotated! Oh, the purification!
For an extra fee, The Baptismal Crane is then attached to the lower end of The Cross. The Approved Candidate is lowered into the Giant Baptismal Font, and rotated UPSIDE DOWN in the Flowing Waters of The River Jordan!
The Great Evangelist did not stop there! He realized that even more thorough cleansing was possible. So, at either end of the Giant Baptismal Font, engineers designed rotating holders for His Baptismal Cross. For an additional charge, the Approved Candidate is rotated horizontally in the Flowing Waters of The River Jordan facing every direction! Clockwise! Counter-clockwise! Face-up! Face down!
In the interests of safety, SCUBA tanks may be purchased, or rented, from The Pastor Bob Baptismal Shop next door to Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism. It is operated by his ne’er-do-well son in law, Pastor Bob II.
“When The Holy Fullness of my Baptism is complete, the Candidate is certified to be a Perfectly Purified Protestant and given a small, silver-plated key to show St. Peter. It is guaranteed to open the Pearly Gates.”, promises Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism!
Pastor Bob proudly shows his many framed patents issued on devices necessary to produce Perfectly Purified Protestants. “Patent protection lets us sue hurtful imitators. Christianity is suffering from too many mindless variations of My Sound Doctrine!”, Pastor Bob explains.
Just last week, Pastor Bob announced on his Facebook Page: “I have had another Word of Knowledge! My Baptism for Perfectly Purified Protestants is so profoundly cleansing that a spirit has told me ‘Pastor Bob, if YOU Baptize a person perfectly, and their soul does not get into Heaven, you may offer them a double-your money back guarantee!’
Pastor Bob challenges every Catholic priest and every Protestant minister: “Can you beat that?”