Some of the most important studies at Schism Seminary are in our Easy Mission Program. Schism Seminary students learn the most valuable lesson of all: No one in their right mind does missionary work in some wretched, third world country!
Such places are hot, dry, wet, cold, and diseased. Worse yet, the natives don’t have any money! Still, that’s where some of the more naive in your congregation expect you to be. They want ministers to do Mission Work! I know, I know! It’s absolute lunacy! They want you, or someone from your mega-church, to leave comfortable, air-conditioned offices and go to some grubby place and build churches, houses, schools, and hospitals.
It’s absolutely insane. As soon as the church, house, school, or hospital is finished, Mohammedans, Communists, or drug lords attack. They rape the women, kill the men, steal everything they can, and burn the buildings to the ground. If the first attackers don’t destroy everything, the next one will!
If you are absolutely forced to engage in mission activity, hire one of our ex-mercenaries (we call them “Men on a Mission!”) to lead the foolish people who love to do such things. His fee, less than ten thousand a week, is dirt cheap at the price! He will be skilled at making the necessary arrangements to pay the head Mohammedan, Communist, or drug lord a few hundred dollars to stay away for the week or so you’ll be there. You build your buildings, dig your wells, hold some services, sing some hymns, and then you get out fast! All of you! And, tell your people not to bother him with a lot of questions about what he’s doing and why he doesn’t appear to “know the Lord”. Just be glad he’s there!
As soon as the Man on a Mission has led the simpletons to safety, the Mohammedans, Communists, or drug lords will destroy everything they’ve done. It’s what they do!
There is no need to waste money on actual missions. Schism Seminary has a vast library of carefully photographed pictures, videos, and you-tubes. We provide views of native peoples living, studying, and going to buildings that look just like the ones your people have built. We are very sure to use the proper costumes, languages, and ethnic appearances to maintain the illusion of specific missionary activity for years! Even the right plants and flowers are photo-shopped around our carefully cultivated mission outposts. Filming is mostly in various parts of California, Anchorage’s distant suburbs, and in the Bahamas. We provide frequent updates so the older missionaries can believe they see updates that include marriages, babies being born, services appearing to be held, and, of course, the usual wide-eyed natives asking sincerely, “Are you born again?” Schism Seminary lets you provide the illusion of missionary activity at very low cost. You won’t even need those awful vaccinations!
If any congregants express a desire to actually visit the distant mission, we prepare you for that. We show you how to explain, nodding wisely and sincerely, “We have them on their feet, now. It’s time for us to find a new group to help. Maybe you could help direct us to the best place to plan our new Mission Outpost.” They can be stalled for years by developing competing, ego-centric mission groups. At least one of them should be led by a trusted subordinate pastor whose punishment for failure includes being forced to make such a trip.
Our “Delay & Obfuscate” Classes help you learn how to delay missionary activity for decades. In the meantime, strive to get those who tend toward missionary activity involved in feeding local homeless people. That is best done by providing free food to those who can appear to live under a convenient bridge or, better yet, who will sit quietly with blank stares on a park bench near a street.
It does not take much to attract homeless drug addicts and alcoholics to such places. Take-out meals from fast food restaurants can be tossed to them from the windows of fast-moving automobiles, making it difficult for them to ask for money. And, you don’t get malaria or some other wretched disease! No need to go out in inclement or extreme weather, either. The costs are vastly lower when you operate some Bridge & Park Missions. Schism Seminary has courses in both Bridge and Park Missions.
Opportunities for easy-mission work abound! And, if some people would rather not make the trip into such “gritty urban neighborhoods”, they can always cook food for the outward-bound missionaries to take bravely into “the belly of the beast”! There’s plenty to keep everyone busy and feeling good about themselves in well-organized Bridge & Park Missions!
It’s easy to see how much money Bridge & Park Missions will save. Don’t forget. Those pesky, overseas missionaries are always trying to get money from your congregation. That takes money from you! That cash could be better used for upgrades to your various buildings, vehicles, the new manse, and your Personal Lockheed Mission Jet. So, keep your congregation busy with missionary work near some convenient bridge or park! Bridge & Park Missions are the smart way to look as if you’re saving souls!
Frankly, from an economic point of view, the only people you want to see going on distant missions to painfully primitive places are Catholic priests, brothers, and nuns. Catholic missionaries are different. They don’t get paid. And, they don’t seem to mind being murdered by Moslems, Communists, or drug dealers. They actually care about those people.
Students are surprised, if not shocked, to learn that Schism Seminary actually encourages ministers to periodically send five or ten dollars to some remote Catholic hospital or school they’ve heard about. The Catholic Missions usually send back some brochures. Keep a stack of them in your office. When trying to get Catholics to leave their church for yours, show them pamphlets from the Catholic Missions while you solemnly intone: “Many times, we work together with Catholic Missionaries. Many Catholic Missions do a fine job. We certainly have great respect for what some of what The Church does.”
Being ecumenical with Catholic Mission brochures helps the gullible to believe that “It’s all right to leave the Catholic Church because Pastor Bob’s mega-church is really just a more modern extension of The Catholic Church and Pastor Bob needs the money to expand his vital Bridge & Park Mission.”
Always remember when saying such things: refrain from snickering! At least until they’re out of the parking lot!