FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
Our ongoing assignment is to convince an entire nation that public education is doing a good job at a reasonable price.
Surveys show that over 15% of Americans believe that Public Education is a mammoth fraud. These radical elements are to be discredited.
Our clients include large teacher unions, big contractors, and certifying universities. Below them in importance are various associations of school secretaries, cafeteria workers, bus drivers, principals, superintendents, legal advisors, coaches, librarians, book publishers, bond issuers, food suppliers, desk and furniture manufacturers, and a myriad of other groups whose massive cash flows from taxpayers into their own pockets must be protected.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Before we get started, I’d like to introduce you all to Dr. Dick Dudewell. He’s one of the most accomplished liars on any of the Lie Committees, and is now a member of every Lie Committee. He’s a very busy man!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got to say it’s a real honor to be assigned to the sub-committee for Education Lies. This is one of the oldest groups of the Lie Committee. It’s an honor, Ah say, a real honor.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Dick, as the titular head of this sub-committee, we want to welcome you. For those who don’t know, Dr. Dudewell is the longest-serving member of the Food Lies Sub-committee. And, he’s just won a major award for one of his fine lies for the Energy Lies Sub-committee.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dr. Dudewell, I’ve admired your work for years, and I can tell you, you are a real role model for all of us.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Your fame precedes you, Dr. Dudewell. Your lie about praying mantises joy-riding on water-pumping windmill vanes for the Energy Lie Committee was absolutely superlative.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Thank y’all fer your kindness. But, Ah shorely don’ wan’ ter be keepin’ us frum wurkin’. We need some right good lyin’. Dr. Berger, how should we start?
Dr. Weldon Berger: We’ll we’ve gotten the little bastards so utterly confused by whole language and sight reading and all the rest of the drivel we’ve crammed down their throats that we need something different. I’d like for us to consider a new lie, ‘Semi-Random Alphabetization”.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Ohhhh, that sounds interesting!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Thank you Tiffany. It’ll help keep the little bastards from reading anything at all until they graduate from high school. What we do is randomly select every fourth, fifth, or eleventh letter in any text and replace it with a randomly chosen letter or number.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s absolutely wonnerful! Ah got ‘nother idee. Mebbe we could be havin’ some of our Congressoids pass a law keepin’ the l’il bastards in school ’til they’re at least eighteen or twenty. Increases fundin’ while it guarantees they’ll be illiterate lots longer.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Dick, that’s wonderful. A two-pronged attack on sanity and rational thought. Public Educators everywhere will be proud of you. May I suggest that we add a third prong to the attack? Within months of cramming this legislation through, we demand more reading specialists. “For the children.” Why, with Dr. Berger’s brilliant ‘Semi-Random Alphabetization’ and your idea for increasing the time students are forced to spend in school, we get more funding than ever! Let’s legislate one new reading specialist for every three or four students.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d like ter sugges’ a variation of Dr. Berger’s wonnerful lie. Why not add “Semi-Random Numerification”. Have textbook publishers randomly change every tenth or twelfth number in ev’ry math book. We’ll say that “We want the children to think while they do math, not just do mindless, rote learning.” That’ll fix the l’il bastards so they’ll never be able to figure out anything.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dick, I can’t believe you haven’t been telling education lies for years. “Semi-Random Numerification” is brilliant. And, we’ve got the dumber field beasts already thinking that memorizing things like multiplication tables is demeaning and a waste of time, so it fits right in. Where’d you learn to lie that well?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Before Ah was promoted to perfeshunal lyin’, Ah was on a local school board for several years. After that, lyin’ jes’ came natchurally to me. Ah learnt that iffin I talked like a hick, Ah was more believable.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DUDEWELL, YOU MAY HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW BILLING OPPORTUNITY. WE WILL IMMEDIATELY APPROACH LARGE INCOME TAX RETURN PREPARERS TO HELP FUND THE NECESARY RESEARCH . THE WORSE THE MATH SKILLS, THE MORE PEOPLE HAVE TO HIRE THEM. VERY WELL DONE, DR. DUDEWELL!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Wonderful work! By hiring all those useless reading specialists and aides, we’ll be able to nearly double property taxes and the fools will be too numerically illiterate to figure it out. That’ll help drive the field beasts into public housing. Now, new billings from a completely new source of income! Who’d have ever thought we’d have made Public Education so bad? A dream come true!
Dr. Weldon Berger: You’re right, Tiffany. Dr. Dudewell, since you may not have had time to catch up on what we learn to call “Philosophy of Education”, and we say that without snickering, a quick review is in order. As you know, The Educaton Sub-Committee has always had one, basic, fundamental lie. “The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding.”
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And, the fools believe it. They are sooo dumb! Any time we have some newsspewing moron recite that “The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding.”, you can almost see the fools in their living rooms nodding up and down.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Mark is absolutely right. Their capacity to believe our lies is almost boundless. After we’ve gotten them to believe that “The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding.”, we zero in on one of our eternally favorite lies, “We need smaller class sizes.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all already have that. Why, when Ah was goin’ ter school in Texas, we had thirty or forty kids in a class. Now, there’s only twenty.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: In progressive districts, we are down to four or five students in a classroom!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s ‘mpressive! That’s pow’ful good lyin’!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Now, we want national legislation, limiting class sizes to ten, and one aide for every five students. That also gives us a better opportunity to indoctrinate the little bastards. In their wretched little minds, the state becomes the real parent and the parent becomes the oppressor.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iff’n Ah hadn’t seen how good y’all could lie, I’d have thought it was impossible to even think of such a thing. Why, if we dubble er triple property taxes in a few years, we’ll drive more of those dam’ field beasts right into bankruptcy! Destroy the housin’ industree! Why, they’ll lose everything! Wonderful!
Dr. Weldon Berger: We’ll closer to state barracks and dining rooms. Oh, the joy!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: In the meantime, we’ll have to spend billions rebuilding all the schools. Existing classrooms were built for thirty students. A teacher, ten little bastards, and two aides will feel “exposed” and “uncomfortable” in those huge classrooms. We’ll have to build new, “cozy” classrooms, that are “conducive to small group learning experiences.” There’ll be bond issues beyond counting. Our clients will make billions!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: You guys think of everything! What a great Sub-Committee!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: PROGRESS IS BEING MADE. OUR CLIENTS HAVE REQUESTED SPECIFIC LIES DIRECTED TO UNDERMINING THE CREDIBILITY OF HOME SCHOOLING. MANY PARENTS ARE AMBIVALENT, AND WE NEED TO CONVINCE THEM THAT HOME SCHOOLING IS WRONG. WE ALSO NEED TO CONVINCE LEGISLATORS TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Let’s get down to business. We have a specific assignment. We are to discourage home schooling. Every time a student leaves a public school, the little bastard’s district loses ten or fifteen thousand dollars in funding. Why, when two or three hundred students leave an elementary school, someone might suggest firing a teacher! We’ve got to stop home schooling!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: I propose this lie: “Students at home are more likely to catch diseases.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tiffany, that’s good! It’s even better because it’s the exact opposite of the truth. We had a similar lie on the food committee. We said hundreds of thousands of chickens in giant chicken houses generated “large group immunity”. If it works for chickens, it’ll work for the l’il bastards.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Is there any truth to the concept of “large group immunity”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not a grain of truth in it.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Well, it sounds magnificently believable. Lots of field beasts will swallow it! I like it. Let’s call it “Self-generated student immunities.”
Dr. Weldon Berger: Even better, we say that if there are more than ten or twelve of the little bastards in one room, the “self-generated student immunities” effect is reversed. The l’il bast. . . I mean, students, will all get sick and probably die. We tie the lies together and maximize profits for our clients!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Weldon, that is absolutely, ovewhelmingly brilliant! Why, you’re another Thomas Edison, or somebody like that. That’s the greatest lie we’ve ever had!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Well, let’s give some credit to Dr. Dick Dudewell. After all, his being here was to, in the words of the Executive Committee, cross-fertilize our lies, and he’s done it! Thank you, Dr. Dudewell.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Aw, shucks. Twern’t nothin’. Ah’m jus’ glad mah lies could help.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’ve been trying to think of a lie to increase the funding for local school districts. As you know, the field beasts still think they can elect school board members who will stand up for them, rather than automatically rubber-stamping whatever spending levels we need.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Dr. Pendant, y’all are surely right. Why, when Ah was on a school board, sometimes the field beasts would get together ‘n elect somebody who’d cut taxes.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s awful. That’s why we need those electronic voting machines. We can’t be running the risk of the fools electing their own candidates.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Well, it happens, sometimes. What I’d like to do is get legislation that gives each school board member the legal right, if not the duty, to hire at least one of their friends or relatives every year.
Dr. Tiffany Troksky: That’s brilliant! That way, we can totally eliminate the few good teachers that seem to slip throught the cracks and guarantee that we have mindless, Marxist boobs in every classroom.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And, relatives on the payrolls keep school board members voting the right way. With Dr. Pendant’s suggestion made into law, school board members can’t vote to cut budgets without enraging their own families and friends. Brilliant lying, Dr. Pendant.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N y’all know what else? The one, common deenominator of ever’ single school board member is a deep, drivin’ desire to be ‘mportant. Why, they loves bein’ ‘mportant. This’ll help ’em be mo’ ‘mportant than ever.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Well said, Dr. Dudewell. They also love to spend other people’s money. But, that’s only because it makes them feel so important.
Dr. Weldon Berger: We’ve done extensive research on school board members. It’s true that school board members are driven by a desperation for attention and a need to feel important. We’ve found that many of them actually hate and despise their neighbors. They deeply enjoy taxing them while nodding solemnly and reciting “we didn’t want to raise taxes, but we had no choice”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Then, they’re just like us, only dumber.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That purty well sums ’em up. Silly dam’ fools. Sold out cheap. And, it’s a ‘two-fer’ fer ahr side. They loses their own soul, ‘n the person they get hired to do sum’thin’ useless prob’ly loses theirs, too.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
OUR CLIENTS ARE PLEASED WITH THE LIES ABOUT HOME SCHOOLERS GETTING DISEASES AND DYING. HOWEVER, THEY FEEL THAT PARENTS WHO SCHOOL AT HOME ARE TOO SMART TO BELIEVE IT. THEY WANT NEW LIES. AND, CLIENTS WHO DEPEND ON MAKING MEANINGLESS ACCREDITATION SEEM IMPORTANT THINK THAT MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HOME SCHOOLED CHILDREN TO GO TO COLLEGE OR GET JOBS IS A GOOD AVENUE FOR NEW LIES. WE AWAIT YOUR VITAL CONTRIBUTIONS.
Dr. Weldon Berger: That is a good place to focus our lies. We want laws so anyone has to be certified to do anything. Those little home-schooled bastards may be smarter and know more, but that won’t help them if we can keep them out of colleges and jobs.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Every human activity should require licenses and certification. Getting any job should require at least two decades of attendance at public schools and universities. We just tell the lie that “only government facilities are trustworthy since they aren’t driven by profit motives.”
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: A lot of them will believe that, but most of the public school “graduates”, let’s face it, can barely read and write.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s as it should be. We just make every job easier to do. That way, we can drive down their wages and they’ll never get anywhere, not that many of them want to.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We got most of the jobs so locked up that nobody can get to ’em, less’n some bureaucrat says so. They can’t drive buses, and they shouldn’t be allowed to drive cabs. They can’t work in schools, hospitals, old pipple death centers, heck, they can’t hardly do nothin’ withoutten they get a piece of paper from us. What’s left? Mowin’ grass? Prob’ly ought to license that, too. We don’t want anyone pushin’ a lawnmower without a degree. Might run over a flower.
Dr. Weldon Berger: But, what lies do we have to keep them out of colleges? Colleges are so desperate for students they admit those snotty little home-schooled know-it-alls all the time. Even give them scholarships. Those accursed home-schoolers win all the Spelling and Geography Bees.
Dr. Mark Sistor: It’s worse than that. Home-schooled kids know how to multiply four digit numbers, do long division, even algebra. They’re so far ahead of the little bastards in our beloved public schools that, well, it just isn’t fair!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Let’s start at the beginning. Let’s make it illegal to fill out a college application without going through an “Application Specialist”. We need a whole new program to create fifty thousand Certified Application Specialists. Then, laws could keep them from referring any non-public school graduate to any school that taught anything more complicated than lawn-mowing.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: That way, we can mandate sole admissions power to Certified Application Specialists. We’ll fill the law and medical schools with absolute morons. That would do more financial and health damage to the field beasts than anything. Cody, your “Certified Application Specialist Program ” is absolutely brilliant! What an idea!
Dr. Weldon Berger: I like it! It takes away even the random chance that smarter people might actually be in positions where they’re able to do something better.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, Ah hate it when some smart, excuse mah French, son of a bitch, does som’thin’ better. Ah jus’ hate it! We gots to get the smartest people doin’ the dumbest things. Pickin’ up litter, mebbe. Make ’em try to make sense out of books with Semi-Random Alphabetization. That’s what I like to see.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: I hate ’em, too. Smart people, well, they just think they, well, I don’t know what they think, but I can tell they snicker at a lot of what I say. We ought to declare war on them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tiffany, mah dear, Ah think we already have. That’s why we’re here. That’s why we need to get ever’thin’ under control. Everything we do is desi’ned to box up them smart pipple. Ah’d like to get ’em all.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FINE LIES! VERY FINE LIES! WE HAVE COMBINED REQUESTS FROM TWO CLIENTS, CHIROPRACTIC AND PUBLISHING. CHIROPRACTORS WANT THE YOUNGEST POSSIBLE STUDENTS CARRYING THE HEAVIEST POSSIBLE BOOKS. PUBLISHERS WANT THE SAME THING BECAUSE BIGGER BOOKS ARE INCREDIBLY PROFITABLE. PLEASE GENERATE SOME LIES TO HELP.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Ohh, we can do good damage with this. The little bastards should be bent over double, carrying big, useless, brand new textbooks everywhere they go!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: The fools! Don’t they know that the old textbooks, like you see in antique bookstores, were better than these new, huge books that cost a hundred dollars apiece? Those old books were smaller than a cheap paperback.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Sure they were. Real cheap to make, too. And, better. Why, those books actually taught people how to read, write, and do arithmetic on their own. Our huge, new books, all stuffed full of fancy charts and huge color photographs of shrinking ice caps and dying polar bears, don’t teach ’em anything. Oh, the fine work we do!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Textbooks should not be teaching anything! One of our best lies is, “color photographs add to learning”. The fools will believe that, especially when our newspewing morons say so ten times a day for a month on color TV. Then, we tell the fools that “large textbooks force the student to take learning seriously.”
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Outstanding! The parents will look at their illiterate children struggling with huge bookbags and think something useful is being accomplished! The little bastards’ spines will be twisted up like pretzels from carrying giant books, and their parents will have their taxes raised to pay for them!
Dr. Weldon Berger: The field beasts are so-o-o-o dumb! Not a single one of them is smart enough to realize that the copyrights have expired on the good textbooks from a hundred years ago. All they need to do is run the old books through a copy machine, for a dollar or so. Now we’re making the filthy field beasts pay a hundred bucks for each compilation of academic crap.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Weldon, I don’t think you should be saying those things out loud. What if a hacker got into these transcripts?
Dr. Weldon Berger: So what if they do? What are they gonna do about it? You think they can put forth the sustained effort to replace their school board stooges with independent thinkers? Hah!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon’s right. Once in a while, we should rub their noses in it. Dam’ field beasts. Ah don’ know why Ah hate ’em, but Ah do. Ah just hates ’em clear through.”
Dr. Weldon Berger: We all hate them, Dick.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE FOUND THAT SOME SCHOOLS ARE TEACHING CHILDREN TO STUDY THINGS THAT MAY BENEFIT THEM. THIS MUST STOP. OUR CLIENTS NEED LIES TO JUSTIFY HAVING STUDENTS STUDY THINGS OF ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That is a problem. Some of the unenlightened schools are still producing a handful of children who can read and write. They should only be allowed to read and write about things of no importance. I suggest a series of lies about the importance of dinosaurs.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Dinosaurs?
Dr. Cody Pendant: Sure. Dinosaur studies help us in many ways. First of all, studying dinosaurs wastes an incredible amount of time. Rather than learning history, math, or, even their own language, they can be made to waste decades, even while they subconsciously know that they’re being made to do something that’s utterly useless.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah likes it! Why, there mus’ be hunnerts of dinosaur types. The little basta’ds should be forced to learn all their names.
Dr. Weldon Berger: But, we don’t even know if dinosaurs were warm-blooded or cold-blooded. No one knows much about them.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: So what? We just get the usual college “professors” to write up a new bunch of drivel. The texbook publishers get to print huge, mammothly expensive books, maybe with life-size foldouts, and we cripple the little bastards’ minds at the same time we cripple their bodies by making them carry the monstrous books.
Dr. Cody Pendant: There are other benefits. We can blame their extinction on global warming, or giant meteors, or something else that one of our clients needs funding to “make the world safe from”. Make them think that whatever imaginary problem is the most believable is the thing that wiped them out.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Plus, we have the opportunity to make the few remaining religious people look really stupid. “Look,”, we tell them, “dinosaurs are now known to have been wiped out thirty or forty billion years ago. That makes your religious beliefs more ridiculous than ever.”
Dr. Weldon Berger: But, what about the ones who figured out that God programmed the whole thing so people could use their free will to decide to believe the Bible or Darwin? How do we deal with them?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s right. Some o’ them new Fundymentalists think that God could program in three dimensions. Y’all know what that means? Iffin they’re right, then we’all got a credibility problem bigger’n Texas.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We don’t want them to think about that. Too many profitable lies are at stake. Best thing to do is ignore it. Deluge them with information about mindless, imaginary problems so that’s all they are able to think about.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s right. The existing religious professionals all have cash flows to maintain. They’ll attack any kind of new religious belief that would hurt their incomes.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: It’s not just Christian fundamentalists who believe their God made the universe fairly recently. Moslems think the world is only ten thousand years old, and so do some primitive Jews.
Dr. Weldon Berger: All the more reason to focus on dinosaurs. We get the kids believin’ in dinosaurs and we make it harder for them to accept any religious beliefs that mention a God with any kind of real power. We’ve got to get the U.N. involved in forcing the foreign schools to study dinosaurs. If they don’t stop teaching math and science, they don’t get any funding. The international money people know how to work that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yep. We need to get kids all over the world studyin’ dinosaurs. I got a good idea. Why not tell ’em that the dinosaurs could read and write?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Dick, with all due respect, that’s ridiculous. No one would ever believe that.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: I don’t know, Mark. They are pretty dumb. We could say that dinosaurs were actually a lot like us, but they destroyed themselves when they invented fire, and caused global warming.
Dr. Mark Sisthor. You two may be right. The fools may have been dumbed down enough to believe even that degree of mindless claptrap. Let’s get some news releases out: “Scientists have uncovered evidence that dinosaurs may have existed in primitive ‘societal forms’. Other scientific investigators now believe that dinosaurs were actually able to raise their own food.” It’ll be a good guage of how dumb they are.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Mark, I love the way you dress up a bunch of broken-down pseudo-intellectuals as ‘scientific investigators’! That’s a great lie in and of itself. Let’s have the Geography mags get busy on it. Would the dinosaurs be wearing clothes?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shor’ would. They could be wearin’ cowboy hats, herdin’ cows, plowin’ fields. Dancin’. Beatin’ on tom-toms. They could even have a king, you know, sittin’ on a big throne.
Dr. Cody Pendant: This is wonderful! It’s our best lie since new math! In the Weekly Non-Reader, we could have contests where kids would try to figure out the Dinosaur King’s name! What foods they like to eat. Whether they had electricity. Oh, what glorious lies!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Ohh, I’ve got a great lie! Let’s tell the fool-herd that they’ve been misprouncing and misspelling “dinosaurs” for their whole lives. Tell the fools that the correct spelling is “dinosuars”, and that the emphasis is on the “o”.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: What would be the point of that?
Dr. Cody Pendant: Just to stuff a little more garbage into their minds.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Remember the fun we had when we made the fools pronounce it “Neandertall” instead of “Neanderthal”? Some of the clods actually thought that’s how the Neandertalls pronounced their name.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Oh, it was pathetic. Every pseudo-intellectual jerk and jerkette with an advanced degree mindlessly started saying “Neandertall” like they thought they were doing something important. Then, they’d actually instruct the other fools how to say it properly. I couldn’t keep a straight face!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They thought they was doin’ som’thin’ reel ‘mportant. Ah don’ know what else they could do. Ah mean, they’ve stuffed theyselves so full of ev’ry lie we’ve taught ’em that they jes’ plain cain’t think no more. Mebbe we should tell ’em that “new evidence indicates that no Neandertalls were more than five feet tall, so’s they oughten to be callin’ ’em “Neandershorts”. Bubble-headed nits.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: That would be fun! It’s such a joy to watch pseudo-intellectuals learning new ways to make themselves look so stupid.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah likes it lots mor’n shootin’ fish in a barrel!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
WE HEARTILY CONGRATULATE YOU. FORCING CHILDREN TO STUDY DINOSAURS WILL WASTE ENTIRE YEARS OF SCHOOLING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SPENT LEARNING ALGEBRA, CHEMISTRY, AND A WHOLE HOST OF THINGS THAT MIGHT ALLOW THE FIELD BEASTS TO GET BETTER JOBS AND NOT HAVE TO RELY ON US, THEIR TRUE FRIENDS. AT YOUR NEXT MEETING, FOCUS ON MORE WAYS TO WASTE CLASS TIME STUDYING UTTERLY UNIMPORTANT SUBJECTS.
Dr. Weldon Berger: This will be fun! I think we should make the little bastards study The Environment. “The Environment” should always be pronounced in reverential tones.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I agree. We replace useful sciences like chemistry and physics with sheer drivel. Endless eco-crap. Make ’em get “certified” to teach it. More jobs for simpletons.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think it’s a great idea! While we’re stuffin’ ’em full of lies and fears, we make ’em hate people who actually get things done ‘n make ’em be afraid of what they make. We want people who accomplish things to look lak real scary criminals. We want ’em to thank that Thomas Edisons should be shot afore they git started.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Such people are criminals. Changing things. Upsetting applecarts. They’ve got to be stopped, no matter what they’re doing. Malcontents, the lot of them. Smart people are too smart for their own good.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Too smart for our own good, too. Smart people can tell when we’re lying. The more “radical” and “dangerous” and “out of control” we can make them seem to be, the more believable we are.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We gotta develop a curriculum to teach the l’il bastards a few basic facts. Ah’ve got a goal for us to reach. First of all, we convince ’em that anyone moving faster than a bicycle is committing a crime against nature.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Ohhhh, I like that!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I’ve got one! Let’s make it illegal for anyone to move anything faster than a bicycle. That’ll slow ’em down.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Would that include baseballs and hockey pucks?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yep. Fast-movin’ baseballs and hockey pucks make slower students feel reel bad ’bout theyselves. Sets the li’l basta’ds up for failyure. “No one should move any sports object move faster than the worst player wants.” should be the basic law of both sports and physical eddycation.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I love the way the early Lie Committees put “physical” next to “education”. Even the smartest field beasts are so used to it they don’t even notice. Can you imagine, whole nations thinking that running, jumping, and hitting balls qualifies as “education”?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Hey, those kind of things waste a lot of time. If those little bastards were in classrooms, instead of moving inflated bladders around ball fields, they’d graduate from high school knowing statistics, economics, and history so well they’d know that everything we say is a lie.
Dr. Weldon Berger: We don’t want that!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOUR PROGRAMS WILL WASTE BILLIONS OF CLASS HOURS WITH THE SHEEREST DRIVEL ABOUT DINOSAURS AND ENVIRONMENTAL “STUDIES”. WE’D LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITH WAYS TO GET CHILDREN TO WASTE BOTH TIME AND ENERGY.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Best way to do that is sex-ed. Get the little bastards turned on and keep them turned on.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s the truth! Sex-ed gets a lot of the girls pregnant, gets a lot of the guys to focus on more destructive things than learnin’, and spreads diseases. Wrecks lots ‘o lives! Sex-ed is a home run for our side!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: It helps all of us. I think that we should add that old maxim “practice makes perfect” into each sex-ed curriculum.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Tiffany, I’m impressed! Having the little bastards actually fornicating in the classrooms is a brilliant idea.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m all fer it, but it’s too big a lie, too fast. At the rate we’re goin’, we’ll have ’em doin’ all that, ‘n more, but tryin’ to get that started now would jes’ mobilize some of the more radical parents against us. Might cut funding.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Cut funding! That’s outrageous! If there’s the slightest danger of that happening, then we can’t have classroom fornication.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: I retract my lie immediately! We don’t dare do anything that would cut public education spending!
Dr. Weldon Berger: I should say not. Some teacher somewhere might actually have to put in eight hour days, five days a week, fifty weeks a year! Progressive teachers are far too good to be treated like field beasts.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s true. If we can’t keep our part of the bargain, they get their souls back, not that they’d know what to do with them. Sex-Ed shouldn’t just be in the classroom. We’ve forced libraries into most schools. Let’s load them up with every possible variant of pornography.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: That’ll warp a lot of little minds!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we ought’n ter be encouragin’ teechers to get closer to their students. Get ’em thinkin’ that their students need reel ‘person’l attenshun’. Then, pretend to be outraged while we get ’em arrested, then out on parole ‘n make sure they’re rehired somewhere else.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s a good way to get rid of good teachers, too! Promise some vicious li’l bastard a college scholarship or a new car to testify against the best teachers they’ve had. I hate good teachers, and making them fear lawsuits that might be twenty years down the road will keep ’em in line.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah hate good teechers, too. They keep the bad ‘n lazee teechers from feelin’ good about themselves.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Who has a better right to feel good about themselves than bad teachers? If we had only good teachers, we’d only need a third as many. Taxes would be cut, and that would be awful.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: We do need to keep passing out condoms. Every student should have at least a dozen or so. Let’s replace the Pledge of Allegiance with “Condom Inspections” to make sure that they’re all prepared.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Right you are. And, we could take up a lot of class time having them put condoms on themselves and each other. Think that would fly, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ thank it would. Mebbe iffin they jus’ put condoms on themselves it would be all right. Mebbe in gym.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Oh, oh, I’ve got a great idea! After we get the boys busy putting condoms on, we’ll have our subordinates at Civil Liberties bring lawsuits so that equal time and money is spent showing girls how to do the same thing. Equal education means something, after all.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We need a classroom program called “Students check for chancres”. Convince the little bastards that they’ve all got some sort of venereal disease, and “constant vigilance is the price of good health”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Makes it sound like we care. Ah lak that!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I think we’re missing opportunities with bus time. While the little bastards are riding around on school buses, we should at least be playing the loudest, foulest music we can find.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Play it really loud! We don’t want anyone reading or studying on the bus. And, let’s encourage the bigger kids to beat up the little ones. Talk dirty, fight, have as much sexual activity as they can get away with. School bus time is a great opportunity for our side.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah should say it is! Why, in West Texas, we got kids riding clean in from New Mexico, or is it old Mexico, Ah don’ know, anymore, to Sludgewater Falls High. It’s ’bout a hunnerd miles, each way. L’il basta’ds are on a bus or in school from 3 AM to 9PM. They never get enough sleep, and mos’ly onlee see their parents on the weekends.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: And, that’s too much! Little bastards ought to have school-barracks. We could use them on weekends and vacations to do building maintainance.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tiffany, Ah don’ think that many school board members hate the l’il bastards quite that much. But, they’s headin’ in that direction. Mebbe soon.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Why do they even need homes? We provide breakfast and lunch. In the best districts, we give ’em “Working Mommy Dinners”. So, we’ve practically got state dining rooms. We need state barracks. It’s a natural evolution of what we’ve done so far, and we all know how important evolution is.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: They should sleep at their desks, shower in the gyms, and spend the rest of their time marching and listening to speeches.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE MUST INTERRUPT. CLIENTS FOUND THAT HIGH PROFIT MARGINS ARE GENERATED WITH ORGANIC FOOD. BY REPLACING CAFETERIA FARE WITH FOOD THAT, IF IT WEREN’T LABELED “ORGANIC”, WOULD BE ILLEGAL TO SERVE TO HUMANS, THEY MAKE MORE MONEY AND THE CHILDREN ARE KEPT FROM ADEQUATE NUTRITION. PLEASE EXPLORE LIES IN THIS AREA.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: It’s about time! Hungry kids are more docile. We’ve already gotten most of them eating school breakfasts and school lunches. Limiting their food to a few carrot sticks and lettuce leaves twice a day keeps ’em quiet.
Dr. Weldon Berger: And, we get to tell parents it’s good for the children. How I love to have their own parents recite “It’s good for the children” while we intellectually and nutritionally destroy them.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We need pictures of really fat kids. Let’s make ’em believe that “America’s schoolchildren are obese, but it isn’t their fault. Greedy special interests have addicted our children to high-fat food, even in school cafeterias.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N we don’t tell ’em that even greedier special interests in “organic foods” will be chargin’ ’em a lot more fer lots less nutrients!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Our clients are never greedy profiteers. The only greedy profiteers are the ones who don’t give us any of their profits.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: We must convince all children that fat is disgusting and that they are all far too fat. We’ll diet them into insanity, brain-damage, and permanent impairments.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Tiffany, that’s a great idea! While we make them into anemic bulemics, their self-confidence is destroyed.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Wonderful! First, we fill them full of “self-esteem”, then we shatter it by telling them they’re all fat, ugly pigs.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ever’ one of the l’il bastards should look like they jus’ got out of a prison camp. Skin ‘n bones. That’s what they oughten t’ look like. ‘N their parents’ll spend collective billions tryin’ to help.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Let’s make all the schools hire nutritionists to be sure they can’t put on any weight.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Home inspectors! We can hire millions of hostile, unhappy people to go around and inspect people’s food cupboards and refrigerators.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Why stop there? They could be hiding high-fat food anywhere. The Food Inspectors should have universal search authority. Well, not congressoid’s offices, of course, no law applies to them, but Food Inspectors should be able to search anywhere else. And, seize contraband, too.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N they’ll have the right to determine the leegality of any type of product. This is wonnerful! Truly wonnerful! We can have a whole new bureaucracy that the fools’ll think is there to help ’em. Help ’em be reduced to mal-nutritioned idiots is what they’ll help ’em do. That’ll fix ’em!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Let’s set up a new agency. A vast bureaucracy we’ll call “Home Safety Commission”! They’ll be able to inspect anything, anywhere. We’ll drive the bastards into complete submission.
Dr. Weldon Berger: And the schools will be in the forefront of the movement. We’ll be educating the fools to think it’s for their own good.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Their own good! Hah! This could be big, bigger than the EPA. Why, we’ll need thousands, maybe millions, of inspectors. One percent of the population is all we need to produce food. Twenty percent of the population will waste their lives inspecting and licensing every edible things they can find.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I don’t want people to sneak food while they’re driving.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: No! We can set up separate sub-divisions for vehicles. Random vehicle inspections and “Crumb Checks” should be going on every hour in every state. Every county. Every township!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ever’ single political unit, clean down to townships and wards, should have a local Food D’rector. Each Food D’rector oughten ter have at least a coupla’ hunnerd mean, nasty flunkies reportin’ to him, her, or it. We’ll paralyze ever’thin’!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Think of it! Years in jail for a bag of contraband potato chips. Life-sentences for successful manufacturers and distributors of any food or product we decide is bad for them! My Baal, we won’t be able to build enough jails!
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Jails are too good for people like that. Just fence ’em in open fields, to be “purified by sun and rain”. Baal, but I hate them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tiffany, Ah lak that! Ah really lak that! Jes’ pen ’em up like the field beasts they are, ‘n tell ’em it’s good fer ’em.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Why bother telling them anything? Just treat them like what they are. That is what they are, that’s what they deserve.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: Animals. Drawers of wood and hewers of water. Or, is it the other way around? Who cares? With saws and pumps, who needs any of them?
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
DR. BERGER, YOUR COMMITTEE HAS GONE TO EXTREME POSITIONS THAT WILL NOT GENERATE ANY IMMEDIATE MONEY FOR OUR CLIENTS. WHILE YOUR COLLECTIVE FANTASIES ARE ENJOYABLE, AND, CERTAINLY DESIRABLE IN THE LONG TERM, PLEASE GET YOUR COMMITTEE UNDER CONTROL. THEY SEEM TO FORGET THAT OUR CLIENTS PAY US FOR LIES TO TAKE MONEY FROM THE FOOLS, NOT DESTROY THEIR CUSTOMERS. BESIDES, SOME OF THEM STILL HAVE GUNS.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, they shore do. Iffin we move too fast, one of us might get shot.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: It’s disgusting to think that they have the ability to defend themselves! Our lower level administrators are failing miserably. They should be the first to be shot. I’d like to shoot a few thousand of them, myself.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Tiffany, you know what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has directed. We are to generate fees for clients, not destroy those from whom the fees ultimately come. I regret to inform you that if you do not bring your very understandable hostility toward the fools under control, you will have to be removed from this Sub-Committee.
Dr. Tiffany Trotsky: I am very sorry, Dr. Berger. I have been dieting, and have reached my goal of half my mother’s weight at my age, and have not been feeling well. But, I did twice as well as she did. Twice as well! I wish she was alive so I could show her how much better I am. I hate . . . .
Dr. Weldon Berger: Tiffany, I’m going to interrupt to ask you to leave the discussion while I discuss your participation with the rest of the group. I am cutting off your holographic image presence.
Dr. Tiffany Trotksy: (deleted from discussion)
Dr. Weldon Berger: You all heard her. I’m afraid we’re going to have to reassign Tiffany. She has done a fine job, but hates the field beasts so much that she can’t function effectively.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, Ah hate ’em too. We all hate ’em. That’s why we’re here.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: But, we only hate them enough to steal from them, and reduce them to greater dependency. If they have ten dollars, we only want six or seven. Tiffany wants it all, and then wants to kill them after she gets it. If they were all dead, who would clean our houses and cook our food?
Dr. Cody Pendant: I have been making up new lies with Tiffany for many, many years. She’s always gone to extremes, but not like this. She wanted to shoot several thousand low-level administrative people. We can’t have that. If word got out, they might revolt.
Dr. Weldon Berger: We have to stop her. Frankly, our clients may be worried. They read these transcripts, or at least the PR people do. They’d be afraid that Tiffany’s ideas might get out, and disrupt cash flows.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Cash flow is what we’re all about. Tiffany wants to dry up the whole bloomin’ river.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I don’t want to fire Tiffany. What possible job could she get?
Dr. Weldon Berger: I don’t know. She’s angry. Actually, she’s boiling over with rage. She thinks she’s better than everyone else. She has no identifiable skills. She hates to work. The only thing we can do is get her assigned as a school superintendent.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, I thank that’s a marvelous idea! She’s perfect for that. Can she get along on a couple hunnerd thousand a year?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I think so. We know she doesn’t spend much on food! But, we need a replacement. We’re already one short, and with Tiffany gone, we’ll need one more besides.
Dr. Weldon Berger: THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE will have to decide how many new people we get and make the appropriate assignments. In a few years, Tiffany may be able to return.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah doubt it. After they get used to sittin’ ’round all day bein’ a school s’per’ntendent, this here heavy-duty lyin’ is gonna be too much. Hardest thing mos’ school s’per’ntendents do is eat chocolate.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE ASSIGNING TWO NEW MEMBERS TO YOUR SUB-COMMITTEE. DR. BARBIE BOOMERETTE COMES TO US FROM PRINCETON MULTIVERSITY, AND IS AN EXPERT IN CHILDHOOD “EDUCATION”. DR. FRANK FURRTUR IS AN EXPERT IN CHILDHOOD PSYCHOSIS. BAAL KNOWS WE NEED MORE OF THAT.
Dr. Weldon Berger: All of us are glad to have Dr. Boomerette and Dr. Furrtur assigned to our sub-committee. We know of Dr. Boomerette’s outstanding work in developing “The Program for Truly Individual Handwriting”. She has reduced the writing of millions of students to indecipherable scrawls. Dr. Furrtur, of course, needs no introduction. He developed the “Furrtur Diagnosis” that allows guidance counselors, school bus drivers, and cafeteria workers to give mood altering drugs to any student, any time, after the classic “Furrtur Diagnosis” has been done.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Glad to have y’all with us, Frank ‘n Barbie. Barbie, makin’ it impossible for the l’il bastards to write legibly has ruint millions of their worthless lives. N’ Dr. Furrtur, it’s an honor to work with the person responsible for makin’ the price of my drug stocks double in a month!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It’s a privilege to serve with you.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I should say it is! Why, I’ve dreamed of lying for an actual sub-committee all my life. I am so sick of just lying at a university, where such a limited number of people can be led astray. Now, millions will be affected! Oh, I’ve never been so happy, helping to make the lies for the New York Times and big media! It’s a dream come true, and. . .
Dr. Dr. Cody Pendant: I, don’t mean to interrupt, but I too, want to welcome you both. It’s nice to have our committee up to full strength, and I’m. . . .
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE NEED TO INTERRUPT YOUR INTRODUCTIONS. UNIVERSITY CLIENTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT MANY APPLICANTS ARE NOT GOING TO COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES BECAUSE “THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING REAL.” THEY ALSO REPORT THAT MORE APPLICANTS WOULD “RATHER HAVE A REAL JOB THAN ACCUMULATE A LOT OF DEBT.” OUR CLIENTS WANT LIES, AND SOON!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah cain’t b’lieve any of the fools are smart ’nuff to see thruw ahr pro-collitch propaganda! Ah, mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend five or six years gettin’ a degree that’s outdated ‘fore they get it? We got to dumb ’em down better.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Do you think any of them have discovered that higher education is just a scam to make unemployment numbers looks good?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Sorry, Dr. Boomerette. You’ve been working inside the lie for so long you don’t realize that almost all of higher education is a government scam.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Let me explain. After WW2, our predecessors realized that sticking millions of people in colleges and universities made the umemployment numbers look good because students don’t count as “unemployed”. And, some people liked making other people spend four or five years learning what they should have known by the time they left high school.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: The people pretending to “teach” got addicted to making today’s equivalent of a couple hundred thousand a year to work an hour or so a day for half a year. What seemed to be a simple lie drew people like flies to a dead body.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I had NO IDEA! That’s brilliant. Most colleges and universities are just lies on top of lies.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Bricks and mortar, too. Why, we make each working fool spend decades paying for endless uselessness. The smarter field beasts are catching on, so we need a new and better set of lies to get more students in higher education.
Dr. Cody Pendant: See how we’ve woven the lies into the language? “Higher education” my hind end! Why, the crap and drivel we feed them simply stuns their wretched little minds. “Lower education” is more like it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, that’s all well and good, but we need some new lies ‘n we need ’em now. Ah’d sugges’ we be tellin’ the fools that “college helps maturity”.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I like it because it isn’t true. Every good college encourages drinking, drug use, promiscuity, sleeping late, sports addiction, and avoiding reality. They’ll keep buying it!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: My former specialty was using drugs to turn the smarter children into morons and get the well-behaved children so hyper they’d literally bounce off the walls. More powerful drugs might be used to get students to sign binding contracts with colleges whereby they’d be legally obligated pay full tuition for four or five years, even if they didn’t attend.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Would their parents stand for that?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Drug them, too! I’ve seen the fools do things for oxycontin that you wouldn’t believe! Morphine, too.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I have an idea! You know how so many teachers like to sleep with students? Let’s have the teachers trade sex to kids who’ll sign contracts to go to college!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Barbie, that’s such a great first lie that I can’t believe you just started! The students will like it! The teachers will like it! And, it doesn’t cost anything!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m mighty impressed. Formalizin’ the process will give us the legal pow’r to enforce the contracts.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Before we run this upstairs for approval, I want to make sure we’re on solid, moral ground. Is there any way that having the teachers have sex with students can hurt us? Legal problems?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: A few teachers may not want to sleep with their students.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Fire ’em. Replace them with prostitutes.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, a lot of ’em got tenure. Might get sticky. We might have to close the universities and reopen ’em as new entities. That’d get rid of all the old contracts and speed the process up a lot.”
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s a good idea, Dick. We’ve been wanting to get all the colleges and universities renamed “Multiversities”, anyway. This would be a good way to get rid of all the good teachers.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Multiversities? Like Kyoto? What’s wrong with “uni” versities?
Dr. Weldon Berger: Well, “uni” is so, well, limiting. Like there’s only one universe. A “Multi”versity sounds so much more diverse, so much healthier, and, as Mark said, re-incorporating them as legal entities lets us get rid of whatever good, decent professors are left.
Dr. Cody Pendant: The ideal “Multiversity” is multi-lingual, multi-sexual, multi-species, it’s just a much healthier place.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, it’s not actshually “healthier”, it can jus’ be made to sound that way. “A Multiversity education” will make “A university education” look limited, strait-jacketed, old-fashioned, out of date, wa’l, there’s no end to the lies we can tell ’bout it.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: On top of that, we won’t have to have a single instructor who can speak English. The fools will just sit there for hours listening to unintelligible babble from illegal immigrants “because, they deserve a chance, too.” What fun it’ll be.
Dr. Weldon Berger: And, thanks to Dr. Barbie Boomerette, they won’t be able to write down the little bits of unintelligible babble they do understand with anything but an illegible scraw. This is progress!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU HAVE DEVELOPED A LONG TERM STRATEGY THAT IS WORKABLE. WE NEED LIES FOR TODAY. EVERY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WHO GETS A REAL JOB INSTEAD OF WASTING YEARS IN ‘HIGHER EDUCATION’ IS A THREAT TO COLLEGE FUNDING.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’ve heard that some colleges are accepting high school dropouts. Kids have figured out that their last year or so of high school is a total waste, and they’re going straight to college. That reduces the amount of time they spend under educational control.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Good point, Cody. We’ve got to keep them under our thumb as long as we can. When they leave high school early, our clients lose billions in state funding.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: My advice is to just drug the hell out of them. Start prescribin’ medication to any of these smart-assed kids until their brains turn into bubble gum. Then, we’ll get ’em on welfare or disability or something that immobilizes them until they’re too old or useless to breed.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: And, if schools are the only place that an addict can get drugs, they’ll have to go to school. More funding!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’ll work! How we gonna get ’em drugged?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: There’s not a high school guidance counselor alive who can’t get kids convinced that they “need a little medical help with their problems”. Every child has dozens of problems. Underweight, overweight, lethargic, hyper-active. As we get more kids on drugs, more of our problems are solved.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. INCREASED DRUGGING WILL ELIMINATE MORE INDEPENDENT THINKING, GENERATE PROFIT FOR CHEMICAL CLIENTS, WELFARE DEPARTMENTS, AND LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES. DRUG ADDICTION CAUSES THEFT, WHICH LETS INSURANCE CLIENTS RAISE RATES. NO DOWNSIDE RISKS AT ALL! LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE HIT A HOME RUN!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m so glad our lies met wiffin yore ‘proval. You know, there’s another way to keep ’em in school longer. Start ’em younger.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Dr. Dudewell is exactly right. We have gotten a lot of the l’il bastards going to all-day kindergarten. That was easy, once we convinced each superintendent to get some parents who wanted free day care to demand it at school board meetings.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Wonderful move! It’s good to get small groups of taxpayers to make their neighbors pay to benefit them. It helps get neighbors to hate each other.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Now, we need part-time pre-kindergarten. Then, full-time pre-kindergarten. Then, to be “fair”, we’ll make it universal. Our clients will make billions!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: After that, we’ll need some lies for Multiversity Pre-Kindergarten Preparation Courses. The l’il bastards’ll have to start showing up when they’re three!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Special buses! They’ll need to ride on special buses. Tiny buses for tiny tots! Tiny seats. Tiny TVs. And, counselors. Ooooh, let’s get midget counselors so they don’t feel intimidated. Midget bus monitors, too. We’ll need two or three tiny adults for each tiny bus.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s good, Barbie! A whole new group of people utterly dependent on Public Education. We could import a few hundred thousand pygmies. Kill the rest. Mandate that “the shortest, darkest minorities” be given preferential treatment. We’ll have the whole pygmy market sewn up.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We’ll charge the districts a hundred dollars an hour for each pygmy, pay ’em minimum wage, and charge them rent for living in the school buses! We’ll make millions!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: MEMBERS OF LIE COMMITTEES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SET UP THEIR OWN AGENCIES. OUR CLIENTS HAVE THE RIGHT TO BID ON ANY NEW PROGRAMS THAT MAY RESULT FROM YOUR FINE LIES.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I know. Sorry. I just got carried away. We are allowed to own stock in the companies that purchase our lies, and I am glad for that.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Don’t forget seat belts! We can’t treat the three year olds better than the other students. So, seat belts will be mandated for every seat on every bus. It’ll waste billions!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Frank, you may have new clients for us! Retrofitters will have an endless oppportunity to bill thirty thousand school districts for million of dollars.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Let’s make all the seat belts be made with the school colors! We’ll put the superintendent’s photo on every buckle! Get ’em used to obeying nameless bureaucrats.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Barbie, that’s wonderful! Each buckle on each seat on each bus will have to be expensively replaced every time every district gets a new superintendent. Long term income make dependent clients for us.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Let’s put a little chip in each buckle, so the picture repeats “I am your best friend.” during the whole bus ride.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Let’s get laws mandatin’ that pictures of all the school board members be put on every bus, too! It will make the mindless nincompoops feel soooo ‘mportant!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Let’s put their pictures on the outside of the buses, too! Then, they’ll be so desperate to be re-elected they’ll raise taxes as high as we want.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: They couldn’t raise ’em that high!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Of course not, but they’ll raise ’em higher because they’d dread seeing an empty place where their picture used to be on every school bus in their district. Dr. Sisthor, you’ve had a brilliant idea! Play up to their insatiable vanity! Keep school board members voting progressively! Stealing from their neighbors! Baal, what fools they are!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Remember when we started putting brass plaques with school board member names on the wall of each new or remodelled building? An architectural genius figured our that the more useless the bulding, the bigger the brass plaque should be! The mindless fools just couldn’t say “no.” Oh, the bond issues we passed! The poverty we caused!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah love school board members! They’s so conceited! They loves seein’ their names on brass plaques bigger’n billboards. Ah enjoyed bein’ a school board member. Ah got me a couple honorary degrees outen it, got high-payin’ jobs fer in-laws too dumb to flip burgers, ‘n parleyed good lyin’ all the way up to this here committee.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dick, you’ve lied so well you’ve honestly earned you way onto all the committees! To think, you owe all that, and all the members of your family with jobs, to serving on a school board!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Lak Ah allus say, America is the lan’ of opportunity. Any more ideas on lies for school buses?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: EVER SINCE WE MANDATED BUSING A GENERATION OR SO AGO, SCHOOL BUSES HAVE BEEN AN OVERLOOKED AREA FOR NEW, PROFITABLE LIES. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING IT TO OUR ATTENTION. PLEASE CONTINUE WITH SCHOOL BUS LIES. LIE OFTEN. LIE WELL.
Dr. Cody Pendant: A lot of districts aren’t busing the children nearly as far as they should.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s awful! Every child should be on a bus for at least two hours a day. Each way.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: And, they should all be forced to listen to the loudest type of the latest music. Let’s think about calling the buses “Mobile Culture Centers. “
Dr. Weldon Berger: Very good, Barbie! We can rot their minds from the minute they get on the bus until the minute they get off. That’s a real opportunity for our side.
Dr. Frank Furrter: Should we put closed circuit TVs on the buses? Show the latest rock concerts over and over loud enough to make their little ears bleed?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d be concerned ’bout that. Some smart-assed parent might suggest that iffin we’re gonna put TeeVees on buses, we oughten to use ’em fer “education”. We cain’t have that. Why, on a couple of one hour bus trips a day, the kids’d learn way more’n we wan’ ’em to.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Good point, Dick. The right kind of program could teach them a lot more than they’d ever learn in one of our classrooms.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin a few parents figgered out that fifty kids could learn more ridin’ a dam’ bus in a couple hours than five or ten of the l’il bastards could learn all day in a classroom with certified teechers n’ a ha’f dozen aides, they might start to complain ’bout wastin’ money.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I never thought of that. Why, with little tutorial screens mounted in front of each seat, the children could be learning an extra five or ten hours a week.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Barbie, they wouldn’t even need to go to a school! They’d only need a few minimum-wage tutors! They’d learn more riding around in the bus than they ever could in school.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Hope none of the field beasts think of that! My Baal, Barbie, your idea just made most of the schools in the country unnecessary! Still, “Bus-Learning” would have an advantage for our side. If the teachers could go back to classroom snoozing all day. It would be a well-deserved break for them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: A welcome rest from their endless labors!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I don’t understand why the field beasts never thought of Bus-Learning?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: They’re mostly public school graduates. They still believe half the crap we tell them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They believes lots more’n that. They believe ‘most ever’thin’ any of ahr committees tell ’em. Nobody on earth as dumb as an American taxpayer wiffin kids in the public skools.
Dr. Weldon Berger: We can’t let them smarten up. What if the l’il bastards started reading books on buses? Doing homework? We have to keep the buses as chaotic as we can.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Can we curtain off part of each bus for “Teen Privacy”?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s a good idea! Get ’em diseased and knocked up at the same time! Big money for clients!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Let’s let them use the buses for band practice, too! That’ll keep anyone from doing useful studying.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: And, marching! They could march up and down the aisle beating drums, blowing tubas.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sports practice, too. Iffin they could toss a few balls back ‘n forth on the buses, it’d teach ’em that music ‘n sports are lots more ‘portant than readin’, writin’ ‘n arithmetic.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Let’s have the buses divided into zones. The rear of the buses would be a curtained-off “Teen Privacy Zone”. The middle of the bus would be for band practice. Playing catch and sports activities would be in the front of the bus.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That would cause more accidents, which would prove the need for seat belts! See how it all ties in?
Dr. Frank Furrter: And, a few hundred accidents would let us come up with lies to mandate smaller buses. We’d have to hire two or three times more drivers. Bus makers would pay us millions! Unions, too!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And guards! Armed guards! Assistants for the drivers! Why, we could raise taxes again and again. “For The Children”!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Great session! Lets adjourn for awhile, ‘n see iffin we can think up a whole bunch more lies for school buses!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Good idea, Dick. I’ve about lied myself to death. Good job, everyone.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: EXCELLENT LYING! AT YOUR NEXT SESSION, PLEASE BE PREPARED WITH MORE TRANSPORT LIES. CLIENTS ARE EXCITED BY THE FINE WORK YOU’VE DONE.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I hope you’ve all given some thought to additional lies to maximize income opportunities in busing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve had a wonnerful idea! Ah found out that a lot of buses don’ have air conditionin’. That should be a crime.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Great discovery! They probably don’t have humidity control, either. A series of lies about “Complete climate control. Aren’t The Children worth it?” should be broadcast.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Lots of the l’il bastards have asthma. All kinds of respiratory diseases. Hyperactivity, Attention Deficit Disorder, all the imaginary diseases we’ve been using to sell billions of dollars worth of mind-altering drugs, they’re all made worse by a lack of climate control on buses.
Dr. Barbie Boomer: Cody, what a wonderful lie! And, we could mandate frequent air changes on the buses with a subsidiary set of lies about “Communicable diseases can be eliminated with better air purification on school buses. We need to do it For The Children.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think y’all are geniuses! Yessuh, absolute geniuses! On top of that, frequent air changes mean bigger air conditioners and heaters, which’ll make for bigger, more costly motors ‘n buses ‘n less milage. We’ll be able to raise taxes through the roof!
Dr. Weldon Burger: We’ll need some studies to show that it will Help The Children.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Hell’s fahr, Weldon. We got studies comin’ out our butts that’ll justify anythin’ we want Helpin’ The dam’ Children. Let’s recycle a few of ’em.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: My background is drugging children into insensibility. I suggest that we start drugging the l’il bastards the second they set foot on the school bus. We’ll zombify ’em first thing in the morning! Maybe some really potent orange juice. “Vitamin C for you and me!” we could call it.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Then, we can give ’em a few uppers for a pick-me-up when we drop them off at night.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: If we drug the little bastards enough, we could just let them stay on the bus all day. We don’t even have to drive it around. Have ’em sleep all day.
Dr. Cody Pendant: The teachers would love it! They hate the pressure of having to deal with the little bastards two or three hours a day. With the kids out of the way, they’ll have time for the pretend-creative work they love. You know, multi-media lesson plans, interdepartmental curriculum planning, brain-dead crap like that.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: A lot of the teachers like to have sex with their students. How will we provide children for them if the little bastards are all drugged up on the buses all day?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a mighty good question, Barbie. Mebbe we jus’ transfer the ones they want onto a special bus.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We’ve already mandated that every district have lots of transportation for “Special Needs Students” What need could be more “special” than the “needs” a lot of teachers have?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: You know what? We may not even need to drug the l’il bastards. Let’s explore putting holes in the exhaust systems and injecting the right amount of carbon monoxide into the buses. We can meter accurately, and the carbon monoxide is free!
Dr. Weldon Burger: We can charge for drugs we don’t administer! Frank, you have made the most truly brilliant suggestion I’ve ever heard!
Dr. Cody Pendant: If they’re passed out from carbon monoxide all day, they won’t be eating anything! We’ll get to keep all the money we’re wasting on school breakfasts, lunches, and Working Mommy Dinners. We’ll spend some it on administrative bonuses!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ think they’s a principal anywhere’s what wouldn’ be glad to see a couple hunnerd percent bonus for “Dietary Efficency”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We’ll make public education a teacher’s dream. Year-round vacations, not just six or seven months. Their associations will love us! They’ll be able to triple their dues, and the teachers can pay with money from full-time outside jobs they’ll finally have time for.
Dr. Weldon Berger: That’s right. If there’s no kids in the buildings, all those teachers would have an opportunity to get real jobs. Not that they’d be able to do them, but when some of them find out how lazy and incompetent they are, they’ll be doubly grateful for public education.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: They’ll be properly appreciative of what we’re doing for them! Our clients could quadruple their dues. Teachers’ll know they have no choice but to pay, pay, pay! How else can they make a living without working?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Won’t the parents notice? Some of the old-fashioned districts still have Pretend Open Houses, and allow parents into the buildings for a few minutes a year.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nah. Parents hate the people who’s bleedin’ ’em to death while keepin’ their childrens illiterate. They’re so glad to get out of the buildin’s they won’t notice a thang.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Where will we park hundreds of thousaands of buses full of doped and gassed kids all day? Surely, someone would notice?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Park ’em outside museums, stadiums, bowlin’ alleys, environmental centers, anywhere we want. We’ll just put “Field Trip” signs on them. No one will notice. Maybe fence in a few leased lots. Make the windows out of one-way glass so’s no one can see inside.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What about the drivers? Won’t they tell?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, tha’s a mighty hard question. Iffen we drug the drivers, we’d have to have somebody go ‘roun’ ‘n wake ’em up. Nope. Let’s get drivers who already have jobs at Gummit agencies, like Immigration Control, where nobody knows or cares iffin anyone shows up.
Dr. Cody Pendant: No one with two gummit jobs that let’s ’em get paid a couple hundred thousand a year for sleeping all day would ever squeal.
Dr. Weldon Berger: Besides, who would they tell? No TV station or newspaper would be allowed to report such a thing. A few bloggers might complain, but so what? As long as the carbon monoxide doesn’t kill more’n a couple dozen busloads of kids a year, no one will notice.
Dr. Cody Pendant: How many days would each student be drugged? The whole week?
Dr. Weldon Berger: That’s a question for curriculum specialists. We’ve got to be sure the little bastards can write their names, or make their mark, on the audited tests, but that’s about it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Druggin’ ’em the whole week’d be ideal, but Ah don’ know iffen we could get away wiffin it.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Won’t the teachers want us to at least get them Drugged, Gassed, and Parked on Mondays and Fridays?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Good point, Barbie. Let’s call the program D-GAP to abbreviate the way you put it, Drugged, Gassed, And Parked. Progressive teachers do need longer weekends to recuperate from sleeping all week. D-GAP can give teachers the extra, student-free time they need.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I don’t think it’s going to be easy to hide thousands of school busses full of kids every day. Maybe we should just drug students from different schools on different days.
Dr. Cody Pendant: But, that would mean that some of the teachers might have to work, oh, I don’t know off the top of my head, two or three days a week?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wouldn’t ‘xactly call what they preten’ to do “work”, but it might be too much fer ’em. How many days they puttin’ in now?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: In some of the primitive districts, teachers are sometimes forced to work, well, not work, but show up at their buildings, three, even four days a week. In the progressive districts, where the substitutes have formed their own political organizations, it’s illegal for full-time teachers to work more than two or three days.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR LARGEST CLIENT IS VERY INTERESTED IN THE D-GAP PROGRAM. BY DRUGGING, GASSING, AND PARKING THE SMALL FIELD BEASTS, VAST SUMS OF MONEY CAN BE DIVERTED INTO SALARIES, BENEFITS, AND PENSIONS.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Looks like we’ve come up with a real winner! Congratulations to all of you.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mah goodness! Ah thank we’ve made public education hist’ry! We don’ need nobody hardly workin’ a’tall. Not that we don’ already have that, but, wal, it’s jes’ better, now. ‘N, we maintains ahr fundin’!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frankly, we don’t even need schools, any more. We can just use projectors to show pictures of schools along the roads. Or, make cheap, inflatable school-like structures and inflate them after bond issues.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Wonderful idea! We could also put high, concrete fences around the schools, and hire people to drive buses full of child mannikins in and out to look busy. The actual children would be D-GAPed at offsite locations.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: What about parent-teacher conferences? Do schools still have them?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We could just have the parent pull up to a tv camera on a drive through, and use a teacher-mannikin to recite, “Your child needs more quality time with alternative-lifestyle authority figures.”, or whatever group has paid us for advertising.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’d work real well! Parents hate goin’ into school buildin’s cause it takes so much time for ’em to be strip-searched.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Do all people going into every school building have to be strip-searched?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: They do in the progressive schools! In the really-progressive districts, the unions are still under the tight control of actual Marxists. Even the children are being strip-searched. Body cavities, too!
Dr. Weldon Burger: What an amazing accomplishment! Who does the actual searching?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah’ll tell ya, it works lak a charm! We get friendly judges to sentence child molesters to a few thousand hours of community service. Y’all can guess the rest.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We get free strip searchers and make another powerful interest group grateful to public education. What a winning idea!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Those molesters might be a good group to use for driving the D-GAP buses! Nothin’ a child molester likes more than a lot of passed-out children in a locked bus!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What about workman’s comp?
Dr. Weldon Burger: What about it?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well, if the child molester passed out, fell down, and hit his head, wouldn’t the School District be liable? With all the carbon monoxide in an eclosed bus, there’s a very real safety issue for the molester.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Good insight, Barbie. We’ll have to issue gas masks to them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ll lak that! They love dressin’ up!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’ve got a lie that needs some work. The school buses have all kinds of bright, strobe lights on the tops of the buses. If we mandated that the entire bus be lit up like a giant, blinding strobe light, we could tell the fools that the chilren were safer.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s a good lie! The bus could be so blindingly bright, searchlights probing in all directions, that other vehicles would drive off road, just to get away form it.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Let’s not stop with blinding lights! Let’s put huge, powerful klaxons on each bus. Have them emit deafening noises and blinding light at the same time!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: It’s for The Children!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THE MORE PRIMITIVE PARENTS ARE COMPLAINING THAT THE CHILDREN AREN’T LEARNING. THEY WANT MORE HOMEWORK. WE NEED APPROPRIATE LIES.
Dr. Weldon Burger: First of all, it’s simply awful that any fool of a parent thinks it can tell how well a child is learning.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Arrogant bastards! It’s bad enough that they get to have the children. Now, they think that gives them the right to tell a Public School Teacher what to do!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’m glad we’ve gotten involved. I, personally, hate homework. As a child, I had to memorize multiplication tables, and I, well, I’ve never gotten over it.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You poor man! It’s just wrong to force a sensitive person to go through such an ordeal.
Dr. Cody Pendant: It was awful. I can still say the whole multiplication tables:
“Two times two is four,
“three times three is more.”
All that memorizing they made me do was child abuse, pure and simple.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: No one should have to memorize all that! To avoid intellectually abusing children like that, we should only assign homework like group sex, needle-sharing, all the things that make life worthwhile. Or, flatly refuse to assign it all.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank y’all shuld be tellin’ ’em that it hain’t raht to give assignments to any child less’n ever’ child has an “equally good place to do homework.”
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s wonderful! There’s always some rich kid with a private library, and it’s not fair to expect a poor child to do as well studying on a dining room table.
Dr. Cody Pendant: No, it isn’t! Poor children have rights, too!
Dr. Weldon Burger: We need something more. What if some uppity l’il bastard did work on his own? The l’il bastard might get ahead of his classmates!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That wouldn’t be fair! Not fair at all! We should make that sort of thing illegal.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, how’s we gonna make it illegal to read ‘n write at home?
Dr. Cody Pendant: We’ll need inspectors. TV monitors. If every child were monitored every day, we could make sure the l’il bastards couldn’t study. No one could get ahead of the group.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Oh, the joy! We’ll be able to have a bell curve with no smart people on the right side of it. Except us. It should be illegal to have a bell curve that shows anyone below average!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: A fair society is one where it doesn’t pay to be too smart. I’d like the Bell Curve to be shaped like the Washington Monument. Except, thinner.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What a great goal! Let’s have the Congressoids pass a law. First, we’ll make it illegal to do homework. Or, to study outside of school. Then, we’ll get funding for HIs. Homework Inspectors.
Dr. Weldon Burger: There’s a small problem. Libraries. What’s to stop the l’il bastards from going to libraries to study?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ain’t we already gotten all the books outen the lib’aries? Shouldn’t be nuffin’ left in ’em to read.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Dick, I regret to say that we haven’t been able to completely de-book all the libraries. Some of the libraries still have acutal books. Magazines, too.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Someone failed. Failed miserably. Why, it was just a year or so ago that we began making it illegal for libraries to have books. School libraries should be a place for games, awareness seminars, and “private spaces” for teachers who feel a need to be close to their students. Libraries aren’t for books, any more.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well, there were some exceptions that I remember reading about before I got onto this committee. Books that passed committees were allowed.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s right. There are a lot of retired leftists who’ve blown all their money on drugs, gambling, and prostitutes. We let them sell books to libraries to get enough money to live on.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: How’s that working out? I mean, can any of those people actually write?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Course not. They jes’ ramble in front of a tape recorder. We get people on prison release to write down what they say, type it up right, print up a coupla truckloads in prison printshops, and send ’em to lib’aries ‘n bookstores.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Does anyone read that uspeakable drivel?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How should I know. Ah gets me a truckload ever’ now’n then. Ah soaks ’em in diesel fuel fer heatin’ my huntin’ cabin.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I didn’t know you were a hunter! I’ve always wanted to hunt.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: What do you hunt, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mos’ly, Ah hunt fer purty gals who lak spendin’ time in mountain cabins.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DUDEWELL, IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE MAKING IMPROPER ADVANCES TO DR. BARBIE BOOMERETTE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah swear, Ah ain’ doin’ no sech thang. I’s jes tryin’ to be nice, tha’s all.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’m quite sure that I wouldn’t be interested. I have better things to do than spend next weekend in some remote mountain cabin. Just how far away is that cabin of yours, Dick?
Dr. Weldon Burger: I think THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has made it plain that such concerns are not appropriate to this committee. While we’re talking about school libraries, we should see if there are any over-looked lies for them.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Today the whole idea of a school library is a big, fat lie. At least the libraries don’t have books any more. Most of them have bookpaper, you know that wallpaper that looks like the backs of books?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: They put that in my library! It looked so much nicer than the real books, and it didn’t make you feel bad if you couldn’t read.
Dr. Cody Pendant: How true! I remember seeing all those unread books, and feeling so very, very inadequate. When they put bookpaper on the wall, I felt so much better about myself. No more guilt. No anguish. I was happy with myself for the first time.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: You know, none of us realized how unread books made us feel quilty. They’re just a reminder of all the things we don’t know. I think we should burn all the libraries. You know, like the Moslems did at Alexandria. Depriving themselves of a literary past hasn’t hurt them at all.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It surely hasn’t! I’d rather have a desert full of oil and a couple of dozen wives than all the books in the world!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s a disgustingly sexist comment! You don’t hear me saying I’d like a couple of dozen husbands! Why, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has told me that I can’t even talk, yes, I mean TALK to Dr. Dudewell about his mountain cabin, and that same committee doesn’t say a word when you talk about your multi-wife fantasy!
NOTE FROM THE EXEUCTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. BOOMERETTE, YOU MAY NOT BE AWARE THAT OUR COMMMITTEE ACCEPTS MANY, MANY COMMISSIONS FROM COUNTRIES WHERE POLYGAMY IS WIDELY PRACTICED. WHEN WE BEGIN TO GET COMMISSIONS FROM COUNTRIES WHERE POLYANDRY IS COMMON, WE WILL REVISIT THE ISSUE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: (whispers to Dr. Boomerette) It hain’t fair, Ah tell yuh, it jus’ hain’t fair!”
Dr. Weldon Burger: Well, I hope that we’ve put all that behind us! After all, we are here to serve our customers, and our customers would like to see more lies about the overly overlooked school libraries.
Dr. Cody Pendant: It’s wonderful that we’ve gotten the books out of them. What about the card catalogues?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: They have catalogues for cards?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ thank they’s fer cards lak yer thankin’ of, ace, kang, kween, n’ so on.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Of course not! Each library book has cards, so people can find out where the books are in the library. The cards are kept in a card catalogue. It’s a big box full of drawers. The drawers are full of cards.
Dr. Cody Pendant: How do you find the card you want?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: They’re put in alphabetically.
Dr. Cody Pendant: So, how do you find the card you want?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Who cares? Who would care about enough about a book to look for one?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: No one, anymore. That’s why we’re getting rid of the card catalogues.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve been burnin’ ’em up along wiffin the diesel-soaked books to heat mah cabin in the mountains. Iffin it warn’t fer lib’aries, Ah’d a had to bring in a lot o’ fahrwud. Y’all kin get free books fer burnin’ ever’time they rem’del a lib’ary.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Just how big is this cabin of yours, Dick.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah convurted it frum an abandoned strip mall. I use an ol’ Piggly Wiggly store fer mah livin’ rume.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That sounds charming.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Could we get back to business? I have a question. If we get rid of the books, and we get rid of the card catalogues, what does the librarian do all day?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Mark, I am shocked! Shocked! Who are we to suggest that another human being should spend his, her, or its’ time doing anything he, she, or it may not want to do?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right Mark. We are to be sure, very sure, that we free our fellow working creatures from work. It certainly isn’t our job to turn them into slaves, again.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Mark, would you like it if someone told you what you had to do every day? Why, you’d feel like a common field beast!
Dr. Cody Pendant: These are sensitive human beings, much like ourselves, only dumber. They can’t be expected to do anything useful. And, they are librarians. It has forever been their job to help people find things. Can you think of anything so demeaning? What possible concern should a skilled public servant have about whether or not some simple field beast can FIND anything?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I am so very, very sorry. And, ashamed. Yes, ashamed. I should have known. I, well, I just forgot that we don’t dare criticize anyone who is working for any governmental unit. I must admit that, well, I thought they were people who were supposed to help.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mark, Ah’ve made the same mistake, mahse’f. Ah’m jes’ as ashamed as y’all. Thinkin’ they should be busy, wal, Ah say, let ’em sleep. Put murphy beds back inter the stacks. Sleepin’ bags on the sofas. There’s a lot of thangs that don’ need to be done, ‘n lib’aries are the place to not be doin’ it!
Dr. Weldon Burger: And, of all the libraries in the world, school libraries are the most useless.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT TOO MANY CHILD MOLESTERS ARE BEING ARRESTED. THAT MEANS TOO MANY CHILDREN ARE NOT BEING MOLESTED, AND THAT THERE WILL BE FEWER HOMOSEXUALS IN YEARS TO COME. CLIENTS WANT LIES THAT SCHOOLS CAN USE TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY.
Dr. Weldon Burger: This is the sort of thing we can get our teeth into.
Dr. Cody Pendant: It sure is. These kind of lies are quick, easy, and fun.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They shore are. Why, Ah thank Ah got a lie alreddy. What we kin do is tell the field beasts that “It hain’t raht to live reel long ‘n take up too much Social Security.”
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s so true. So very, very true. Since most homosexuals die before they’re forty five or fifty, that means they pay into Social Security for twenty or thirty years and get absolutely nothing out of it.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Too bad we can’t get them to live to fifty five or sixty. We could get another decade or so of payments out of them.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What a waste. Isn’t there anything we can do to get them to live just a few years more?
Dr. Weldon Burger: We do have clients who are selling VERY expensive medicine to homosexuals. They calculated that they can get the most money by making them, and government contributions, kick in a million or so dollars to keep them alive, what was that slogan: “Go from forty to forty four or fight!”!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: There was a war about that, a hundred years or so ago, wasn’t there? “Forty to forty four, or fight”? Something like that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mark, y’all is so far off on that Ah cain’t begin to strayten it out. But, y’all are raht ’bout one thang, the fools do lak rhymin’ slogans.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Barbie, it makes no sense. But, I guess it doesn’t have to. If we can get them to work another ten years, each of them will fatten the social security pot by another half million dollars, and still get nothing out of it.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS NOW CALCULATE THAT THEY CAN GET MORE MONEY OUT OF HOMOSEXUALS BY LETTING THEM LIVE UNTIL THEY’RE SIXTY. YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO GET THE SCHOOLS TO MAKE UP FOR THE SHORTAGE OF CHILD MOLESTERS.
Dr. Weldon Burger: So, our official job is to replace child molesters. We’ve got to get the kids involved in destructive activity that’ll let ’em go on working and paying taxes, then dying just before they start drawing their Social Security.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Let’s get the school children believing that dying early is a duty. A duty to others.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s all true. Good, too. But, I think THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE wants us to do something to get the kids hooked on homosexuality even though there’s fewer molesters molesting them.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. BOOMERETTE, THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT.
Dr. Weldon Burger: So, we should start to glorify homosexuality. Make homosexuals into folk heroes. “Bravely fighting for sexual freedom”, a lot of mindless crap like that’s what we need.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Most of ’em don’t even know they have souls that can be lost. So, we want the schoolchildren to focus on their minds, then their bodies. Then, they can’t argue with our encouragement of early death. They die young, and Social Security will look like it’s solvent. The fools won’t complain about paying into it.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We’ve got to get busy. We’ve got to get these kids to pervert themselves. We’ve talked about library porn, and we’re all for that. How about getting child molesters hired? Not just as gym teachers and band directors, but as regular teachers who are thought to know things?
Dr. Cody Pendant: We do have complete control of Teacher Certification. We should make it illegal to certify or hire hetrerosexuals.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d agree wiffin you in principle. But, Ah know that Ah’ve got a whole passel o’ relatives who’re desperate wiffin a capital D to git a teachin’ job. They ain’t sofisticated enuf to go ‘long wiffin this.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I think we should hold firm. What’s the point of having certification if we can’t certify whom we want?
Dr. Weldon Burger: A compromise position would be to only certify people who took a “Values Free” oath.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, I took one of those to get into Princeton Multiversity. How did it go? “I promise to never promise any promise that makes any promises, except this one, and I promise not to take it seriously.”, or something like that. We all swore to uphold that, as long as we didn’t have to compromise any principles.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a mitey fine promise. Sounds reel perfessional. Ah lak it a lot. Mah relatives, they won’ mind takin’ a good, sound loy’lty oath lak that.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I think we can all agree that it’s a wonderful promise. Keep us from hiring any more good teachers. But, let’s get back to, what should we call it, “do-it-your self corruption”?
Dr. Cody Pendant: If we’re going to be short-handed, and at the rate they’re arresting child molesters, that’s what we’re going to be, then we have no other choice.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We’ll make homosexual behavior seem modern, self-fulfilling, and adventurous. You know, like “Will and Grace” on TV. But, more heroic, somehow.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m tellin’ y’all, y’all got to make urly death seem romantic. ‘Xcitin’. ‘Member how the English’d get pipple to enlist ‘n march into machine guns?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I remember! “Let this stinking hole where my needlessly shot up body is decaying be thought of forever as a little piece of England.”
Dr. Weldon Burger: Absolute tommyrot.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: But, it wurked! Miles ‘n miles of soldjers marchin’ right into each others’ machine guns. Furst the English. Then, the Gurmans. Took turns solvin’ their unemployment problems fas’!
Dr. Cody Pendant: So, we convince the students that it’s good to infect each other. “Real men don’t use condoms!”
Dr. Weldon Burger: There are some real possibilities. Frank, you’ve been quieter than usual.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Well, I’ve been concentrating more on the certification issue. There are still plenty of molesters out there, and we’ve got to get them into the classroom. Once they’re there, they’ll know what to do.
Dr. Weldon Burger: There’s a problem with getting them to stay in the colleges, paying tuition for six or eight years. It’s no problem passing the teacher exams. They’re so dumbed-down that we have chimps teaching in a lot of schools. But, nothing beats a hardened child molester in a classroom. They know what to do.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They shore do. Affer all, it was done to them!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You know, the real problem is that we have too many policemen. When we had fewer policemen, they could pretend to be busy fighting crime. Then, the dam’ field beasts made them actually put criminals in jail. Crime dropped, and the police had to do something.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: So, the police went after child molesters?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well, they did have all these laws on the books, and the extra police thought they had to so something, so. . .
Dr. Dick Dudewell: So, now we got too many unmolested kids. Tha’s what.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I have an idea. Let’s get the schools to use official calenders. You know, have special months, weeks, and days to celebrate heroic moments in homosexual history.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: You know, I think maybe we shouldn’t call it “Homosexual History”, but “Non-Hetero History”. Tell them what they aren’t, rather than what they are.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I love it. Not because it makes any sense, but because it’s the sort of mindless boobery that we can get the very dumbest, vilest people who call themselves “concerned citizens” to center endless pseudo-intellectual discussions around.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Right you are, Barbie! Pinkitarians, Zenistros, Unifairians, all the dead-brained white trash just love mindless, self-important drivel!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Absolutely! Barbie, that’s brilliant! We need to get the useless, wretched, left-hand-side-of-the-bell-curve ingnoramuses to start spewing drivel like “I just don’t know if we should define ourselves by what we are or what we aren’t.” There’s a certain class of near-idiot that loves such mindless claptrap!
Dr. Weldon Burger: And, those near-idiot people are people with rights! They have the right to think they’re useful, intelligent, contributing people. We have to offer them a way. Let’s get some calendars in the school. A month to celebrate every brave way to celebrate freedom and individuality.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Sexually! We’ll get the little bastards to engage in practices that’ll have them dead by forty!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Fifty!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thought that now it was sixty.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You’re right, of course. Sixty. Think of it, even more American citizens will die before they can collect a dime of Social Security. How do we make anything out of this?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: It’s very complicated. Once we got the governments to get away from any realistic standards for money, we just print whatever we need and give it to whomever we want.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N the field beasts hate it!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Not any more. We’ve gotten them educated so badly that they don’t know the history of what paper money does to an economy. And, they can’t do the math any more to figure anything out for themselves.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I hate math. Really, I do. Just hate it. It’s just so hard.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Why do they need to know how to do math, anyway? We give them food stamps, heating assistance, free housing, automobile assistance, hey, all they need to do is have a good time.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N that’s whar ahr calendar comes in! Since they’ve got nuffin’ to do, they might as well have fun, ‘n this calendar’ll give ’em lots of reel gud idees.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Won’t the parents complain? I mean, if my parents had known that a school district was going to put out a calendar that would encourage me to do these things, and record weekly totals, why, they’d have been outraged!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Not any more. Values-free education has morally paralyzed them. Most parents think the best thing they can do is kiss up to their kids’ teachers. One problem is that we still have a surprising number of teachers who care about moral values.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That dam’ tenure keeps us frum gettin’ rid of ’em when we finds out who they are. Gud teachers wiffin gud morals are a reel big prollum.
Dr. Weldon Burger: There’s not much they can do, because we have complete control of the union. The teachers pay billions in dues, and we spend it how and where we like. That’s the important thing. We just have to keep ’em payin’ dues.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The onlee prollum wiffin it is som’thin’ we’s been fightin’ on the Political Lies Subcom. These hare Catholik Fundamentalists is tellin’ pipple that they don’t gets inter Heaven iffin they does anythin’ to hurt a child. They is tellin’ teechers that iffin they pay more dues’n they needs to, knowin’ that those dues is bein’ used fer bad things, then they goes to Hell fer bein’ cowards.
Dr. Weldon Berger: That’s awful! I mean, it’s true, of course, but we can’t have a bunch of simple-minded teachers thinking that they have souls, let alone the opportunity to choose where those souls will spend eternity.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We certainly can’t! Who do these teachers think they are, thinking things like that? Trying to get into Heaven! The idea!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah cain’t unnerstan’ why we hasn’t gotten rid of teechers lak that. Ah know when Ah was on a skul bord, we’d never hare anybuddy that warn’t related to one er two of us. We had purty much staffed the whole dis’rict wif’ barely functionin’ morons.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: The fact that there are still decent, moral people in public education is upsetting to me, too. But, before we move on, there’s something I’d like to discuss about the new Homosexual Calendar.
Dr. Weldon Berger: What’s that?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I think the calendar could be more than an advertisement for the goodness of what the traditionalists call “deviant behavior”. The calendar should have “suggested activities:. The “suggested activities” should have totals. At the end of each day, week, or month, the student should be required to write down the total number of that “suggested activities” it has participated in.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Barbie, tha’s magnif’cent! Git the l’il basta’ds involved! Keep ’em invo’ved! Track how they’s doin’!
Dr. Cody Pendant: And, we could use their totals to see if they should be allowed in college. To get any civil service jobs, clear down to wards and townships.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Barbie, your new calendar would be especially good for teacher selection. If they don’t turn in calendars with totals that proved they were more value-free than the other applicants, they don’t get hired!
Dr. Weldon Berger: Finally! That’s how we’ll clean up public education!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I wish I were smart enough to figure this out, but we should invent a video calendar. We need that. It would actually make a record of what, how, and when they did what the calendar specified. Then, we’d know they were telling the truth.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, you are absolutely right. Just checking off activities on a calendar, even one that was notarized, wouldn’t keep people from lying about what they’ve done.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Field beasts! Lyin’? Hah! None of ’em smart enuf fer that. Still, iffin we had ’em turn in video records of ’em pervertin’ theyselves, we culd sell ’em. We’d be gettin’ the tapes ‘n discs fer free, ‘n we could make a lot!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DUDEWELL, YOU HAVE BEEN PREVIOUSLY WARNED ABOUT DIRECTLY PROFITING FROM COMMITTEE LIES.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah warn’t plannin’ to profit. Ah’d be more’n happy wiffin whatever l’il bit y’all was kind enuf to give me. Ah’d jes’ want ter buy sum stock in the comp’ny.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’m quite sure that a man of Dr. Dudewell’s impeccable reputation would never directly profit.
Dr. Weldon Burger: “Dr. Dudewell”? “Impeccable reputation?” I never thought I’d live long enough to hear those two things in the same sentence. Barbie, you haven’t been spending time up at Dick’s cabin, have you?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: No. Yes. No. Well, I did stop by, once. One time. Dick, I mean, Dr. Dudewell, had asked me for some help in picking out colors for the living room. Piggly Wiggly stores were painted in such awful colors! But, that doesn’t mean that I would. . . Say, are you suggesting that I would lie to help Dr. Dudewell? That I would engage in improper behavior?
Dr. Weldon Berger: Oh, no. I wouldn’t think that for a minute. It’s just important that we’re all sure that no one serving on our Sub-Committee gives the impression that they’re getting “too close” to another member.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah mus’ say, Ah resent any implication that Dr. Boomerette would get to close to another member when Ah appeer to be the member in kwestchun.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: (appears to have awakened) I didn’t quite hear that. Was Dr. Boomerette close to another’s member?
Dr. Cody Pendant: Turn up your hearing aid, Mark. He said “Dr. Boomerette would not get close to another member.” Not “another’s member”.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: (appearing to lose interest) Oh. Thanks for clarifying that.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: You know, this calendar could be a significant tool in the important work we’re doing to destroy trad-vals. Since schools are involved, I wonder if we could ask Dr. Tina Trotsky to join us for some consulting work.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Ask Tina Trotsky? What a grand notion! Why, it’ll be like old times. I’m sure she’d be happy to come back for awhile. I know she’s bored as a superintendent. Just sits around and eats chocolate all day.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When Ah was on a skul bord, ahr sup’r’nt’nt used to have one of the students unwrap the chocolate ‘n put it in his mouf. Anudder one’d move his jaw up ‘ down t’ git it chewed up proper.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Sounds like Heaven!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, he did haf to go ter all the wurk of swallowin’ it by hisself. He was wurkin’ on that when he died.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s too bad. What’d he die of?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Choked on a Macadamania nut, er sum’pin lak that. Dam’ kid what was s’posed ter be movin’ his jaw up ‘n down let ‘im swaller it whole.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Sounds like mastication should have been a bigger part of matriculation.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, Ah don’ unnerstan’ a word of that. Is mastercation sump’in y’all are puttin’ on the calendar?
Dr. Weldon Burger: No. Mastication is a word for “chewing”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’d like to get back to inviting Dr. Tiffany Trotsky to help us with some consultation. I’d love to meet her.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Me, too. Barbie and I came onto this Committee after Dr. Trotsky left. I’ve heard nothing but good things about her.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I’ll have to get approval from THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. They’re the only ones who can authorize consultation and consultant fees.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I know people who know her. She’s gotten a lot worse. Angry. Unhappy. Puts on weight. Takes off weight. She may be too disruptive.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: She’d be good at figuring things to put on the calendar.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We don’t have to worry any more about the calendar. THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has told me they’ve approved it. They think our concepts and lies are a perfect fit with what the client has requested, and they’re hiring flunkies to take it from here.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s too bad. I mean, it’s wonderful that our ideas have been accepted, but I was hoping that we’d have a chance to work on it. I know that Dick, I know that some members of the Committee had some wonderful ideas, and I was hoping that . .
Dr. Weldon Burger: (interrupting) You weren’t hoping for a chance to work on these new ideas for a pornographic calender up at Dick’s cabin in the mountains, were you, Barbie?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Weldon, I resent the implication! Of course not. I was just hoping for an opportunity for all of us to show THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE what we could do. Now, I won’t even get a chance to meet Dr. Teena Trotsky, and I did so want to get to know her.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Barbie, Ah gots to tell yuh the whole truf. Dr. Teena Trotsky, she’s livin’ in sech a state of sustained rage that she’d plum’ eat any of us alive. She’s a pow’rful mad woman, Barbie, ‘n y’all’s a lol better off wiffout bein’ ‘roun’ ‘er.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I’m afraid that Dick is right. There’ve been stories about some of her activities, and, well, she’s gotten so extreme that her school board, whom she’d had lobotomized, are actually complaining.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: A skul bord! Compla’nin’ ’bout a s’per’nt’end’nt! Ah nebber heerd of sech a thang! Most of ’em ahr way too dumb to be able ter tell how deestructive any policy is.
Dr. Cody Pendant: There have been rumors. She’d put porn stars and pole dancers in charge of the cheerleaders. Draq queens were coaching sports. Eighty percent of the students were being home-schooled.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s awful! Home schooling is the worst thing that can happen to a district! Why, there must have been ten, twelve teachers for each child in her schools.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: There were! The teachers were fighting over the children. Some of them actually wanted to teach! She was able to identify a few of them, and get rid of them, so it wasn’t a total loss, but it was done in such an insensitive way.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I hope the home-schooled children weren’t actually scoring higher on the tests. That always looks bad. We spend fifteen or twenty thousand on each child, parents spend a hundred dollars for a few used books, and their kids get higher test scores. It isn’t right. We can’t allow any one to make public education look bad.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Well, in her district, it’s looking bad. She’s barricaded herself in her office.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got me an idee. Ah’m on the Sub-Committee fer Energy Lies. Wal, the gal who runs the committee’s Dr. Brenda Bigohm. She’s got her own motorcycle gangette, the Bitchin’ Bikers, ‘er Bikin’ Bitches, ‘er sum’pin’ lak that. Ah could see iffin she’d take a coupla hunnert of ’em to get Tiffany outen her office.
Dr. Weldon Burger: They’d have to fight with the police.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Poor, dear Tiffany has so offended the community that the police have cordoned off her office. She’s barricaded herself inside. SWAT teams are making sure that no one can get her out.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s terrible! Can’t anyone do anything?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: They’re going to starve her out.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: She’d los’ so much weight that shuldn’t take long.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: It wouldn’t, except that she’s filled up her outer office with cartons of granola.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe the granola’ll bind ‘er up, ‘n she’ll ‘splode.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Dick! That’s awful!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Might be for the best. There’s rarely been a woman that full of hate, not even Mao’s mistresses.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I haven’t seen anything on television. Did we get a media blackout up in time?
Dr. Weldon Burger: It was a close thing. Actually had to have a Cleanfleece sharpshooter bring down a news helicopter just as it was starting to film.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Thank Baal for that! If those dam’ bloggers had even gotten word that another school superintendent was that far gone, it might have undermined the credibility of Public Education, itself.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That would never happen. We’re barely keeping most of the fools convinced that Public Education is the most trustworthy organization in the history of the world. Just one story of an insane superintendent having her school board lobotomized and bringing porn stars into gym classes might bring down the whole structure.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It could collapse that fast?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Yes. There’s so much fraud piled on top of more fraud, piled on top of lies and more lies and more lies, well, it’s a miracle it’s lasted as long as it has.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I had no idea! I always thought Public Education was the best thing that any public agency had ever done! I just can’t believe that it could disappear.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It’s like Communism. Here today, gone tomorrow.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N it’s ahr job ter make shure that Publick Educashun never disapeers. We needs it bad. Ah tell y’all, iffin it warn’t fer Publick Educashun, Ah’d have nigh on ter fifty ne’er-do-well in-laws back livin’ in mah basements. They is NOWHERE else that pipple as dumb ‘n lazee as mah in-laws kin make that much money.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Oh, come now, Dick. Surely there are fast food places they could work.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The key wurd thar is “wurk”. None of ’em ebber wants ter wurk. Tha’s why Publick Educashun is so ‘mportant. No udder way fer so many pipple ter make money wiffout hafin’ ter wurk. Dey jus’ got ter show up sum place ‘n sit ’round all day.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: REPORTS HAVE REACHED US THAT SOME CHILDREN ARE ACTUALLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MATH BOOKS.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I thought we had that fixed!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We did! Ahr “Newest Math” program turned ’em into math-morons. ‘Member? In the firs’ grade, they studied the nummer one. In second grade, the nummer two. ‘N so on ’til they got to nummer twelve ‘n lef’ the skul system fer collitch.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I forgot that. We had them study each number for an entire year.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Yes. At first, we were worried that the parents would complain.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Didn’t they?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, they did. We had “talking points” that helped us explain that the children should really “get to know” each number. They should “get comfortable” with every one of the single digits. “Understand” their true meaning.
Dr. Weldon Burger: They believed that?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah knows fer a fac’ that they did! Ah ‘member ‘splainin’ to ’em what was goin’ on wiffin the new system, ‘n they seemed ter t’ink it was a good idee. “I wish I unnerstood nummers better mahse’f.” more’n one parent tole me.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’d forgotten that program. It’s hard to imagine that they’re that dumb. I mean, I know they are, but, still, to think that their own children should just study one number, all by itself, for an entire year!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We made their parents study lots of numbers. Remember? We put the numbers in “sets”, and so thoroughly confused the l’il bastards that they coudn’t add, subtract, divide, or multiply until they were in college courses that specialized in remedial math?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That was progress! If those damn pocket calculators could be outlawed, they’d be numercially helpless!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Remember when we got each state to have an “Each Child Deserves A Calculator” Program. We bought them the most complicated calulators there were. NASA engineers couldn’t figure out what to do with them.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s right. In a week, they’d all been traded or sold for toys, clothes, or drugs.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N the kids was back to havin’ their brains concentratin’ on “one number at a time”. What a great lie that was? Who thought of that, anyway?
Dr. Cody Pendant: It was Tiffany. Dr. Tiffany Trotsky.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: She was a great liar.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I wish I’d known her. She was gone before Barbie and I got here. You know, I have been looking at some of these math books. There is a problem. The pages are numbered consesecutively.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What!
Dr. Weldon Burger: There’s something in a math book that makes sense! We can’t have that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Lets find the publisher ‘n have Cleanfleece blow ’em up!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Now, Dick, let’s not be hasty. Textbook publishers are important clients of ours. They pay us millions for the right to document and teach the latest lies. I’m sure it was just an oversight.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Maybe some school board made a stink. Needed something that would appear to be real. But, that brings up a question. Should math books have their pages randomly numbered, or not be numbered at all?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s a very hard question, Mark. My own personal preference is not to number them at all.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Little drawings of fish and birds could go on the pages. Icons that mean nothing.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I like that idea! Let’s have some flunkies come up with some “fun” things for the math books, to go with all the color photographs of celebrities inside.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THERE IS ANOTHER PROBLEM RELATED TO MATH. MANY CHILDREN KNOW WHAT DATE IT IS. THAT HAS TO BE STOPPED.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all know, tha’s a big prollum. Why, iffin y’all look in the frunt of a math book, they’s got copyright dates. Raht there, big nummers.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We can’t have that! Numbering years helps them think there was a beginning. We can’t have that! Years should be random numbers. We can’t have “dates” available to ignorant field beasts, especially, consecutive dates.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Why don’t we tell the fools that this is year twenty billion and ten. It’s so impressive, writing it out. “20,000,000,010” Makes it look like we know what we’re talking about.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s a great idea! You know, there’s something worse than putting the copyright date on books. One of the fools might want to know what a “copyright” is. We can’t have them learning that there are “rights” to things.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: What, exactly, is a “copyright”.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Oh, I don’t know. It’s some kind of legal thing. It means we have the right to copy things that other people do.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I didn’t know that you could buy the right to copy things.
Dr. Weldon Burger: It costs a lot. With a copyright, a textbook publisher is allowed to copy anything he wants to put in the textbook. It cuts their costs, ups their profits, and they’re able to pay our fees.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ care ’bout the copyright. Ah cares ’bout the date. The acshual date. It helps the fools to get idea that there are years. Peeryods of time. Helps ’em get located in time. Gives ’em an edge over, say, some headhunter in New Guinea who onlee knows iffin its day or night.
Dr. Cody Pendant: You’re right, Dick. It isnt’ fair. It’s not right that a western child should be able to know about nan0-seconds, micro-seconds, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, and millenia when some other children barely know if it’s day or night.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: You know, I never thought of that! It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. And, it’s not fair if some children have desks and vaccinations or prepared food.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I agree! We should have all the l’il bastards sit on the floor. No desks. And, don’t heat the classrooms. Don’t give them any kind of medication. And, make ’em go outside and eat worms and bugs. We can dispense with cafeterias, staffs, and food. We’ll save billions! It’s the only way to know for sure that all children are being treated with equal fairness.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What about the teachers? We can’t expect teachers to live like that!
Dr. Weldon Burger: No, we certainly cannot! Teachers should be able to work from climate-controlled Teaching Centers. They can communicate with the l’il bastards on closed circuit TV.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N iffin they need to disc’plin’ the l’il bastahds, we kin hire monitor-flunkies to smack ’em ‘roun’ iffin they gets out of line.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Why should our precious, vital teaching staffs have to go to Teaching Centers? Let’s build every teacher a “Teaching Center” wherever they want. In their yard? On a beach? It would keep them relaxed and effective.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I love that idea! The teachers will, too. They are so needful of appreciation, and this will show them how appreciated they are.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: In fact, if a teacher doesn’t have a house where we can build a “Teaching Center”, we should have a house built for him. Or, her. Or, it, in the case of those whose gender operations haven’t worked as well as it might have wanted.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Many of the city teachers simply can’t afford their own building lot. We’ll have to buy them suburban homes, and provide cars so they can get back and forth to work.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thou’t they warn’t goin’ ter haf ter leave their home-based “Teechin’ Center”?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Dick, we can’t expect teachers to just sit around on beaches all day wired into their classrooms. We want them to live! We want them to be able to move
around. Experience dinner in fine restaurants! Vacations in luxurious surroundings! They have to have cars!
Dr. Cody Pendant: And, nice cars, too! The older ones may need drivers to help them get around.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Old teachers? There aren’t any old teachers. They’re all retired and on full-salary pensions by the time they’re forty!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark, to many people, forty is very, very old. If they need help getting around, we’ve got to be sure they get it.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: This is all wonderful! Think how the field beasts will howl! They’ll each work an extra month or so to pay for this. And, at the same time, their children will be turned into ignorant savages!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Success, success!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all ahr doin’ a fine job. Ah thank that we need ter get back ter talkin’ ’bout time. It may be time ter add a buncha zeroes to the age of things. Lak Barbie was sayin’ a l’il while ago.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dick, we’ve been making things seem older and older for years. How much older can they be?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: At some point, they may think that age is meaningless.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: No, no. The older we say things are, the less credibility their religions have.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’ve got an idea! A really great idea! Let’s have the textbooks tell the l’il bastards that there is no time. No time, at all.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Huh?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We’ll have textbooks written that teach them there is no time. The primitive headhunters in New Guinea, or wherever they live, are right. All this division of “time” into smaller and larger periods is just a Western conceit.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that idea!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I do, too. Any time we can demean and insult our society and its accomplishments, we, who can only demean and insult, become more important. The fools shouldn’t be allowed to think about time. We don’t want them to. If they think about time, they might think about how much time they waste paying taxes.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We don’t want them thinking about that! If they ever understood that public education wastes half their lives, between attending it and paying for it, they’d revolt. The less they know about time, the better.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Let’s make it illegal to have calendars. We want to get rid of birthdays. Anniversaries. Contracts. The fools do a lot of things that involve time.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, it’s not just calendars we want to get rid of. We need to eliminate clocks and watches.
Dr. Weldon Burger: You know, it might be better if only the upper classes were able to tell time. There’s no reason for any of the field beasts to know anything about time.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak ter sugges’ that we have collitch classes to teech ’em ’bout time. Some of the brighter pipple could major in digital time, fer instanc’.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dick, that’s marvelous! There could be a course of study for people who would learn how to use clocks that showed numbers, and another major for people who actually understand how to use the hands on old-fashioned watches and clocks.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: One year, they’d teech ’em how to use the l’il hand. Nex’ year, teech ’em how ter use the big hand. Mebbe, two or three years ‘ud show ’em what that hand that goes ’round real fas’ does.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We’d need classes on those really big clocks that gong.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: The different colors of digital clocks would each require several courses to fully understand. Some of them have red numbers. Others have green numbers. These differences must be understood to be appreciated.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: And, only college graduates would be allowed to tell time. People with Master’s Degrees would know how to work stop-watches.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Would they know how stop-watches work, or just know how to work them?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: No one knows how a stop-watch works! Oh, maybe some smart-flunkie in Switzerland, but we can’t have ordinary people knowing about things like that.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Or, how to use calendars!
Dr. Weldon Burger: I think we should have more daylight savings time.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! It keeps ’em confused ‘n dazed fer weeks.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’d like to see it change once a week.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I would too, but how would we justify it?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We could say that changing back and forth every week from regular time to daylight savings time was to “Maintain intellectual flexibility”.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We can do better than that. Let’s tell ’em that the sun’s output cycles weekly. Even though we can’t see it or sense it, orbiting satellites know what’s going on, and “We all need to adjust our bodies’ rhythms to the music of the spheres.”
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s beautiful! The fools’ll think it’s their civic duty to be “At one with the greater universe beyond.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: All the newsspewers ‘n talk show droids’ll reinforce it. Tell ’em ’bout “invis’ble sunspot cycles”. My Baal, how dumb are those fools? Y’all figger we kin git ’em to switch back and forth ever’ week? Why, they won’t know whedder they’s comin’ ‘er goin’.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Can you imagine what airports will be like? There’ll be thousands of planes in the air every week when we switch back and forth from regular time to DST. No one will ever meet a connecting flight!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: On top of that, we have the congressoids pass laws saying that all flights are on time!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Let’s give the states the right to make “whatever timeswitch best suits their population’s needs.” That’ll really gum up things. Just as long as every person gets switched once a week. That’s what we need.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: It’s just what they need, too. Life is too simple when you know what time it is.
Dr. Weldon Burger: You know what’s been bothering me? I’ve noticed that all clocks have equal spaces between the numbers. But, the space between nine and ten is always more important than the space between three and four.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: You’re right, Weldon. Some spaces should be bigger than others.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I think that’s absolutely the most brilliant idea I ever heard! If we can make the Important Spaces bigger, it would be better.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I don’t know if I’m hearing you correctly? Are you saying that some hours should be two hours and other hours should be fifteen minutes?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s exactly right! And, weekday hours are more important than weekend hours. We could keep the field beasts working twice as long during the day and pay the same amount per hour!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE ECSTATIC WITH YOUR TIME LIES! FROM THE EARLIEST DAYS OF SCHOOL UNTIL THEY RETIRE, THEY CAN BE MADE TO WORK TWICE AS LONG FOR HALF AS MUCH. PLEASE CONTINUE!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Are we going to change the spaces between the numbers of every clock and watch? Speed up and slow down the motors of those kind of clocks that show numbers, you know the ones without the pointy things?
Dr. Weldon Burger: No! We’ll have the congressoids make all those kind of clocks and watches illegal! We’ll give the field beasts hourglasses full of sand. Except, there’ll be an adjustment that makes the sand go slow when we want ’em working. Like when they’re on a civic project.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah allus had a hard time makin’ the change ‘tween daylight savins’ ‘n reg’lar time. Wiffin all the fiel’ beasts carryin’ constantly adjustin’ harglasses, they won’ ever know what time it is. Not ever!
Dr. Cody Pendant: When they’re sleeping, or eating, or off for what they think is a holiday or weekend, the sand’ll flow real fast. The weekend would only last four or five hours, and they dirty basta’ds are back at work! They’ll put in twenty, thirty hours a day n’ not even know it! Two week vacations’ll zip by in a day or so.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We’ll need some smart flunkies to figure all this out.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Then, let’s get some!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Don’t forget, we’ll need hourglass inspectors. We have to be sure that they always have their hourglass with them, and that it’s properly adjusted.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Let’s have ’em made outen reel thin glass so’s they break alla time.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Our clients will make fortunes selling them replacements!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And, we’ll make the fools carry them perfectly vertical, so they can’t speed up and slow down time on their own.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s it! Tha’s how we’ll make the hars speed up ‘n slow down. When they’s workin’, the hourglass has to be ‘lmost sideways, so hardly any sand flows through. When they ain’t wurkin’, they gots to keep the hourglass vert’cal, so’s time goes reel fas’.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, Dick! That’s truly wonderful! If any of the field beasts gives even the slightest inkling that they know what time it is, what year it is, or what century it is, why, we’ll put ’em workin’ so deep in the mines they’ll never see the sun.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Mines? Have we got mines? What a great place to get rid of uppity field beasts? That’s wonderful! What do they mine?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah nebber heerd of that!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I heard about it in a Cleanfleece seminar. They get a bunch of uppity field beasts and make them dig, or tunnel, I forget which.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Doesn’t that hurt the environment?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s worf hurtin’ the ‘viromen’ iffin we get rid of upp’ty field beasts.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I should say so! Putting every single human being who is smarter than the dumbest of us to work in a deep hole is very satisfying!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s what I said! They have a Cleanfleece TV channel where we can watch ’em bein’ worked to death. It’s really fun!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak to see that! Why, nuffin’ ‘ud mak me happier’n seein’ a whol’ passel o’ smart so-‘n-sos gettin’ whipped ‘n beaten jes’ fer bein’ smart.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We can put all the best people in mines! Out of sight, in the mine! We need more mines! We don’t have to listen to them complain! We don’t have to watch them be better looking! We don’t have to watch them doing things better. Whose idea was that?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I don’t know, but it was a good one!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mines are a great place for people who tell time. If it’s dark enough, they won’t even be able to read their precious watches. Or, their calendars.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You know, we may be going at this all wrong. It’s wonderful, keeping the field beasts from knowing what year it is, let alone what time it is. But, why do we go through all this pretense? Why not just put all of them in the mines and be done with them?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Who would make our cars? Beds? Wash our dishes? Fix our roads? We need some of them to take care of us. Unless, of course, you’d rather cook your own meals?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht! We needs ’em to do stuff fer us. We jes’ need to dum’ ’em down enuf. Gettin’ it so’s they cain’t tell time, that’ll dum’ ’em down.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Well, we’ve destroyed the idea that time has a beginning that can reasonably be considered to be within human memory. The fools think the world is twenty or thirty billion years old and the result of an accident. We want them to think that the end of time may be the end of next week.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s right. We want there to be a sense of immediate danger. They should want to “eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die” so that they are too distracted to care about what we’re doing to them. Get them thinking about asteroids.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: The only long length of time we want them to think about is the stretch they’ll be doing in jail if they break our laws.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Can we give them “mine time” instead of jail time? After all, if they’re all digging away, they may find gold, or diamonds, or something useful.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOUR LATEST LIES ARE VERY TIMELY. WE HAVE A MAJOR FAST FOOD EMPLOYER WHO NEEDS MORE AND DUMBER WORKERS TO PREPARE AND SERVE FOOD.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Oh, that’ll be fun! I love lies that make kids dumber. That’s what Public Education is all about. Any ideas?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, Ah thank we shuld get beyon’ dummin’ ’em down. We alreddy got ’em so’s they cain’t read ur add ‘n subtrac’. What we need’s fer um ter akshually get dummer.
Dr. Cody Pendant: The Food Lies Sub-committeeis working on taking all fat out of their diets when they’re growing up. That keeps their brains from developing properly. That will dumb down a lot of them.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Let’s make ’em learn three or four hundred words in three or four languages by the fourth grade. That’ll make ’em into incommunicable morons.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Too bad we couldn’t actually damage their brains in some fairly precise way. You know, if a client needed a lot of 80 IQers who had enough manual dexterity to make change, we’d damage all the other parts of their brains except the parts used to make change.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, that’s brilliant! That way, their little minds wouldn’t be distracted by thinking about things while they were working.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I agree with Dr. Boomerette. If we could come up with some lies to damage all unnecessary parts of students’ brains, employers would pay a premium.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess they wuld! Why, we culd churn out toll boof wurkers, ‘n charge a preemeeyum.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s wonderful! And, if we utterly destroyed their sense of time, like we talked about in our last session, the fools would work twenty, thirty hours at a stretch, and not even know they were doing it.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Cody, that’s stupendous! Why, we could work them to death before they even knew they were over forty and going nowhere.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Why would they need beds? If we could only damage the right parts of their brain, they could sleep under the counters at work. Why, each restaurant would only need half as many people, if we just got them to work twice as long.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: But, how will we damage their brains so precisely? We can’t go in and operate, not with involving the Medical Committee, and I can’t stand that awful Frances Foopahstan.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Well, gang. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where we earn our money. This is where we separate the men from the. . .
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we all unnerstan’, Weldon. We be needin’ a way ter damage speecifik parts of the l’il fiel’ beas’s brains, un we be needin’ lies ter make it seem lak a good idee. Hain’t that raht?
Dr. Cody Pendant: You’ve summed it up perfectly, Dick. Well, considering your nearly incomprehensible pronounciation, I wouldn’t say it was perfect, but, well, you’re right.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: So, what are we going to do? I can’t think of a way to damage specific parts of the l’il bastards’ brains, much less think of a lie that their parents will be dumb enough to believe.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I’d like to make a suggestion. I think we should get them started playing soccer when they’re three or four.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Soccer?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Well, the simpler people all think soccer is “enlightened”, or “in”, or, well, I don’t know what fools like that think, but they’re willing to force, actually force, their children to play soccer.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Yes, well?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank Ah know whar’ Frank’s headin’ wif this. He’s headin’ fer headin’, hain’tchu Frank.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s exactly right, Dick. When the l’il bastards “head” the ball, slamming into a fast-moving ball with their heads, it makes their little brains slosh around. There’s a surprising amount of brain damage that’s accelerated if the l’il bastards can be encouraged to run around and raise their blood pressure after each concusson or near-concussion.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Why, Frank, I’m ever so impressed. You think we should encourage more children to play soccer and damage their brains?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We should do all that, and more. We can’t have their heads hit in areas that will damage thinking ability that their employers will t need.
Dr. Cody Pendant: How can we be sure that the soccer ball hits them in the right area of the brain?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: You’re absolutely right, having kids hit fast-moving soccer balls with their heads does a wonderful amount of brain damage. But, we’ve got to focus it.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s right. We need specific damage to all but the useful parts of their brains. Why, if there are a thousand people leaving a high school and moving into the working/slave portion of their life, and clients need two hundred of them to be brain-damaged just enough so that all they can do is make change, how will we get soccer brain-damage to be that specific?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree, soccer kin turn millyuns of kids inter morons, but modern societees are needin’ speshal kinds of morons.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: If you will be so kind as to let me finish. We can’t use playing or practice to get the right numbers of the l’il bastards brain damaged as specifically as we want. We’ll hire flunkies to design and make air cannons. They’ll fire soccer balls at the desired rates of speed. Gym classes will consist of having the kids practice blocking soccer balls with whatever portion of their heads that we want to be damaged!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I get it! If a high school gets an order for 200 fast-food change-makers, we’ll have 200 of the l’il bastards block the ball with whatever parts of their head will precisely damage all but the change-making area!
Dr. Weldon Burger: And, we have all of them go through drills where the ball endlessly slams into the part of their head that lets them think!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frank, you is a genieyus!
Dr. Cody Pendant: So, we just find the skills we need, and the brain-destroying Soccer-Cannon blasts away everything else?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And, the whole time, their fool parents think their child is doing something helpful.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: They can be made to feel proud of having their l’il bastards getting high grades in “Co-ordinated Group Activities”!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, Dick is right. You are a genius!
Dr. Weldon Burger: I have to agree with Dick and Barbie. Frank, this is one of the finest ways ever discovered to produce “good citizens”, perfect workers for the great and glorious FutureState.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Humanitee is gonna owe you a lot, Frank. Why, we’ll be able to license this to countrees all over the wurld. We’ll make pawns ‘n robots our of l’il basta’ds ever’where!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Are there any other sports that can cause this wonderful, mind-destroying damage?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: None that anyone can think of. Why, it took the early liberals years to develop soccer into such a magnificently brain-damaging sport. Year.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: And, we’ve now refined it so that the fools can grow up with the ability to make change at retail, push brooms in schools, mow grass, operate simple machinery, all with a few well-aimed soccer balls.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Is the damage permanent? Once the soccer-cannon has damaged the parts of their brain that we don’t want them using, they won’t be able to use them again, will they?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Our experts tell us that once their brains are damaged, there’s nothing they can ever do with them. A lifetime of total utility. Why, they should be thankful to us for making their lives easy.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I should say so! No bothersome decisions for them. No worrying about what colors go with what. They just wear whatever’s easiest. No need to worry about how clean it is.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We be doin’ ’em a big favor. Makin’ their ‘retched lives a l’il bit easier. Simpl’fyin’ thangs fer ’em.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We’ll have to identify them so employers will know what to do with them. The “change-makers” should be tattooed. So should people who operate vacuum cleaners or wash windows. It will make things easier for everyone.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Let’s just tattoo what they are on their foreheads. That way, when someone needs a flunkie to do something, we can find them quickly. If our car was dirty, and we saw someone standing around with “CW” tattooed on their forehead, we’d know we had the right person for a car wash, right there.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Let’s hire some flunkies to set up a series of tattoos. “CW”, for car washer, is a good start. “CM” for change maker. “P” for picker.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You don’t think the field beasts will mind, do you?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I think they kind of like living with less confusion. No matter how smart they are, there’s no way they can keep us from doing what we want to them. Having higher intelligence and choices to make just frustrates them when they don’t get their own way.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I’m so glad we got into this line of wonderful lies. I have to admit, I was feeling guilty for making so many of them into morons. “What would we do if we needed a smart flunky, and couldn’t find one?”, I asked myself.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Why would we ever need a smart flunkie? I never heard of a smart flunkie. Is there such a thing?
Dr. Weldon Burger: We need smart flunkies when our computers break. When the wind blows down power lines. When water mains break, we need a smarter kind of flunkie.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When mah cars break down, Ah got a mitey fine smart flunkie name of Herb. He kin fix mos’ anythin’. Onlee bad thang is, he’s ’bout eighty. Ah don’ know who’s gonna fix mah cars when Herb dies. Er, ree-tires. Wal, he ain’ ’bout to ree-tire. He cain’t afford to, the way we been eatin’ ‘way at his Social Security.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Well, I think we may have a problem. If we have too many children playing soccer, who’s going to fix MY car? I have a 24 cylinder Bugatti Royale, and I can’t find anyone who can rebuild the engine.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Well, we can’t leave ’em going around smart. If we let ’em be smart, they may revolt. May organize, and stop payin’ taxes. Then, what we gonna do, work for a living?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: This is a really big problem. If they’re too smart, they may revolt. If we go on making them play soccer, they’ll all be quite satisfyingly stupid, but who will fix our cars?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Maybe universal brain-damage by soccer-ball cannon is too crude. We may have to do partial, precise lobotomies on each and every one of the filthy field beasts.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We used to do that, Barbie. It was slow, painful, and the field beasts complained. The smarter ones knew what was coming, and they blew up our buildings. Some of the fools do vote, and the old-fashioned legislators pretended to be upset. Now, the only tools we have to dumb them down with are what we can get away with in Public Education.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N a fine job we be doin’. Why, there ain’t hardly a young field beast left what kin multiply three digit nummers. ‘N as fer as knowin’ histr’y, why, they don’ even know what happ’n’d in fourteen ninety two.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: (whispers to Dr. Dudewell) “In fourteen hundred and ninety two/ that’s when I fell in love with you.”
Dr. Cody Pendant: Maybe they’re about as dumbed down as we need ’em to be. Got to be smart enough to serve in the military to keep us safe while we’re turning them into slaves.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s a problem, Cody. New weapons are a lot harder to use than hand grenades and rifles. They need to be educated to keep us safe.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Why don’t we leave their brains alone until they’re past any military use. Then, we get ’em out of the service, and lobotomize ’em. Before they have children. We don’t want anyone having children.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We could sterilize ’em while we lobotomize ’em. They’ll already be put to sleep, so we’d save. Give ’em a big check when they’re discharged, and that’s what we’ll charge ’em to operate.
Dr. Weldon Burger: All of you have had some wonderfully productive ideas. We’ll work on them, and see what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE thinks.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: IT HAS BEEN NOTED BY A LEADING EDUCATOR THAT NUMBERS IN MATH BOOKS ARE ALL ORIENTED THE SAME DIRECTION. THE SMARTER STUDENTS MAY STILL BE ABLE TO MAKE SENSE OF SOME THINGS.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I don’t believe it! THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has noticed something that has slipped by each and every one of us.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wa’l Ah’ll be! They shore is right. Ah thumbed thru a dozen maf books, ‘n shore enuf’, all the nummers was pointin’ the same way.
Dr. Cody Pendant: What an unspeakable error on our part. We’ve been so busy trying to confuse them that we just plain forgot to change the way the numbers faced.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We could have every number facing a minimum of 8 different directions.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Twelve. Like a clock.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, we don’t want similarities to anything. We need thirteen or fourteen directions to point the numbers.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Good point, Dr. Boomerette. And, we need to be sure they’re random. Every number can point in one of thirteen directions, so the number one hundred and eleven could look like a capitol “H”. Or, like a triangle. Or, a capitol “A”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s even better. Why shuld we be lim’ted to jus’ pointin’ the nummers in diff’ren’ direcshuns? Why not have a randum alphabet orientashun?
Dr. Cody Pendant: I like that, Dick! It’s an amazing step forward! A capitol “I” could be a capitol “H” on its side, or, it could be one hundred and eleven.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We can destroy reading AND math skills, all by “Random Rotation”.
Both letters and numbers! Wow!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Let’s get some flunkies. We’ll have ’em print out a math book that way. The “m” in “math” could look like a three. Or, a “W”. We need typefaces that are as confusing as possible. We’ll be able to keep every child illiterate for decades! The only thing they’ll be fit to do is teach physical education.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s a lot better than having anyone able to teach physics!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Why stop there? Why not have “Random Rotation” of pictures, graphs, even the sentences themselves could point in random directions.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It jus’ ain’ fair to provide sum inconsistency fer some kids n’ not fer all of ’em. We need to git goin’ wiffin “Random Rotation” ‘n make the Congressoids make it the onlee legal kind of educashun.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We should have test questions, like “How many ways can a perfect circle be rotated? A period?”
Dr. Cody Pendant: It’s the only fair way to see how little they’ve learned. “Random Rotation” could apply to schools, themselves. Why should doors and windows be vertical?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We may to get rid of the hurtful stereotypes of the past. Who’s to say that the dead, white, European males were so right about any kind of consistency.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right. The damned fools are always looking for consistency. THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has made a tremendous breakthrough. All consistency must be eliminated.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s the real enemy. Consistency. Who needs it? It’s the enemy of change. It’s the enemy of progress. Consistency is a terrible evil, inflicted on a helpless world by a lot of evil, selfish men who thought it would help them think better.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Consistency is the enemy. Any time we find something that works more than once, we have to find a way to make it not work. Something that can work is dangerous. To show that something can work is more dangerous. To realize that knowing that we can show that something works, is the most dangerous of all.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all are right, Cody, ’bout ever’thin’ but mah cars ‘n stuff. But, the fools cain’t be ‘lowed ter unnerstan’.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Consistency is bad. “Position awareness” is a hidden part of consistency. Words like “up” and “down” teach the fools a sense of where things are. Those are primitive concepts that must be eliminated. It gives a sense of “goodness” to direction. “Up” is not better than “down”. We want them understanding that the simple awareness of “moving” is preferable to “moving up” or “moving ahead”. We need to remove the basic structures of distinctness to reduce the ability of their actually “thinking”.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s right. Thinking, itself, is bad. Thinking is destructive. Thinking may let the fools think that thinking is good. We must replace their abilty to think with wanting only to do what we want, which is to engage in appropriate behavior and to feel.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: While y’all was talkin’, Ah’ve been tryun’ ter make sense out of a few nummers ‘n letters written at randum angles. It durn near paralyzed my brain. Made me feel lak Ah’d been hit in the haid wiffin a whol’ batt’ry of soccerball cannons.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Oh, my. When we combine soccerball cannons with “Random Rotation”, we’ve got ’em! All the children in the world will be turned into hopeless morons. They’ll never recover. Oh, dream come true!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Well, some of them may, after four or five years of remedial math in graduate school, get to the levels their grandparents reached in the fourth grade.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: And, who says public education doesn’t work? It’s working better than ever. Why, a generation of this, and we’ll have an entire nation of mindless boobs. Helpless boobs. Taxable boobs who’ll self-destruct the day they stop taxable work.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You know, this is fun! I love it when we can keep those disgusting “smart people” from getting to a place where they can look down on us. This’ll paralyze them. Their children will walk around like dizzy zombies.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Barbie, what a poetic description. “Dizzy Zombies”. What joy awaits! A generation of “Dizzy Zombies”, staggering obediently from one meaningless activity to another.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we oughter look at them wurds, Mark. Get rid of the wurds that he’ps ’em think. We culd start wiffin gettin’ rid of single-meaning preppysitions. Tha’s the bes’ place ter start.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’m assuming you mean “prepositions”. If so, I agree. There should be no difference between, for instance, “in” and “out” and “near”.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: My hearing aid wasn’t working. Do I understand that we want to get rid of all “preppy situations”, or what?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark, you really should get that fixed.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I’ve tried. The repair shop is out of business. The only man who could fix my kind of implanted hearing aid retired. It’s ridiculous that they’re allowed to retire. If I hold my head parallel to the table with my ear on an inverted water glass, I can hear. Please go on.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark, it’s like this. Today, a field beast can say, “I am either ‘in’, ‘out’, or ‘near’ the house. If we got rid of prepositions, we would just say “I house.” No field beast should ever know exactly where he is in relationship to anything. And, he should made to feel proud of knowing that.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s too hard. Just have them say “house” and point. Get rid of any personal involvement in any relationship with any portion of reality.
Dr. Weldon Berger: I don’t know, Barbie. If they pointed in one direction while saying “House.”, then they would be describing their directional relationship to the house. If they say “House.” while waving an arm around in a circular motion, they might be able to suggest the concept that they were “in” a house.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s givin’ ’em the idee that they kin thank. They kin also indicate d’recshuns ‘n posishuns by noddin’ ‘n pointin’.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Dick, that’s brilliant. We can’t let them replace words with sign language. We’ve got to truly immobilize them, intellectually. Except when they’re doing what their tattoo shows they’re authorized to do.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: It’s hard for me to follow with my head sideways, but I may have an answer. Let’s only let the field beasts use hieroglyphics.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark, that may be the most brilliant idea that any human being has ever had! Make them draw a picture every time they want to write a word.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Make them pantomime instead of speak! We’ll reduce our filthy, trashy neighbors to sub-serf status. They won’t be able to talk to us, or to each other. We’ll only communicate with them through the dumbest possible flunkies.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Frank, you have made control-freak history! They’ll be intellectually paralyzed, but still able to do work.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I just hope one of them will be able to fix my hearing aid!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: You know, with heiroglyphics, they’ll be reduced to the status of Mayan slaves. Egpytian slaves. Inca slaves. Aztec slaves. We’ll be able to use letters and numbers among ourselves; that is, if we need to. We’ll tell the flunkies what we want, and they’ll use picto-graphs to deal with the field beasts.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: The world will be a better place. You can see how we’ve brought everything together. “Newer math”, “instinct reading”, “grammarless
communication”, all our plans have culminated in this, “Return to Basics”.
Dr. Weldon Burge: Barbie, what a great title! Once we tell ’em that we’re going to “Return to Basics”, they’ll be happy, thinking that they’ll be able to read and write and work with numbers again.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Them fiel’ beas’s is gonna be in fer a shock! When they see us makin’ ’em draw li’l pichures ‘stead of writin’ out letters, why, I wonner iffin they’ll reevolt?
Dr. Cody Pendant: Baal, I hope so! Then, we can machinegun the filthy bastards. Get the human population in proper balance, where there’s only a couple of thousand of us, and lots of precious plants and animals. I hope they revolt!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Revolt? No, this isn’t revolting at all. This is reason for rejoicing!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark, your hearing aid is off, again. Cody wants the field beasts to REVOLT against our new plan. You know, so we have an excuse to get rid of them, once and for all.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Well, that’s a happy thought. Might not be a bad thing, getting rid of, oh, I don’t know, maybe half of ’em. It would be good for the earth. Maybe, ninety percent. Let’s just keep someone around to fix my hearing aid!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Mark is bringing up a good point. I have an artificial heart. We have to be sure that there’s some field beast around to keep it running.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well, we have to be honest. Well, we don’t have to be honest, but I do have a hard question. How are we going to have repair manuals for Frank’s artificial heart and Mark’s hearing aid written in hieroglyphics?
Dr. Weldon Burger: I see what you mean, Barbie. If we dumb them down too much, or kill too many of them, it could hurt one of us. We can’t have that.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: ONE OF OUR CLIENTS HAS NOTICED THAT STUDENTS ARE ABLE TO ‘LOOK THINGS UP’. HE ASKED, ‘WHAT’S THE POINT OF LYING WHEN STUDENTS ARE ABLE TO FIND THE TRUTH?’
Dr. Weldon Burger: I never thought of that! We do have libraries in the schools, but no one is allowed to use them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When Ah wuz on a skool board, Ah used ter go to ter the library ‘n
glue all the ‘cyclopeedias shut so’s the l’il basta’ds culdn’t get inside ’em.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Don’t all the schools do that?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: They’re supposed to. But, it’s so hard to get decent help anymore that I’d be surprised if they were.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It’s a lot of work, Frank. I’ve done it. Took hours and hours. I think it took me, working at an approved Union rate, almost six months to glue half a dozen sets of encyclopedia pages together.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You poor thing! I’ll bet you couldn’t even get to all the dictionaries and atlases?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It was so frustrating! Every time I thought I’d finished, there’d be more books.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Why can’t you just burn them?
Dr. Cody Pendant: Weldon, only the national socialists are allowed to burn books. We international socialists aren’t allowed. We have to glue them shut, one page at a time.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ha’dly seems fair, havin’ to do all that wurk. I don’ suppose y’all culd just drill a hole thru ’em frum frunt ter back ‘n bolt ’em shut?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I tried that, Dick. What happened was, the bolts and nuts stuck out, and I just couldn’t get the shelves to look neat.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s the most important part of a library! If they don’t see a lot of neatly shelved books, the fools think there’s something wrong.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we have giant drills and just drill a hole through all the books on a shelf. Through all the shelves, from one end of the wall to the other. Run long iron rods through the holes. None of the l’il bastards’ll never be able to pull out a book and the bookshelves will look nice and neat. Like someone cared.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Miss Barbie, Ah takes mah hat off ter ya! Tha’s the bes’ way Ah ever heerd tell of ter shut down a li’b’ry ‘n still have it look lak it’s open fer bus’ness.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We only have to make the older books inaccessible. The new books are so full of mindless drivel there’s no way anyone could learn anything from them.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Those are the books we want them reading! New books! Crappy books! Books without morals, books without facts, books without words, those are the books we want.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: No! We don’t want books that are merely amoral. We want books that will corrupt and mislead. Books that will encourage them to “experiment”, to “pioneer new behaviors”, and “reject the restrictions of the past”.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Hieroglyphics would be good for showing them the kind of behavior we want. But, that won’t teach the smarter ones how to fix things. Maybe we should have two types of writing. We should make the dumber field beasts learn hieroglyphics and have a special group of people who actually learns how to read and write the right way, with letters.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! We kin keep the dumb ones and the smart ones so dumbed down they cain’t do nuffin. The ones we need, we teach to read ‘n write.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: There may be a problem. What if one of us needs a new kind of artificial heart, and there’s no one left who’s smart enough to invent one? We could die, and you know what that means!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ wan’ ter die, ’cause Ah know where Ah’m goin’!
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s a good point. If we dumb them down, we accelerate our own eternal punishment.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Oh, don’t be silly! If there were an afterlife, we’d know about it. Just because we rejected You-Know-Who doesn’t mean we’re going to suffer.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s right! We just have to be sure we get what we want, that our clients get what they want, and that we shaft as many of those accursed field beasts as we can. Make their wretched lives as miserable as we can!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I love to hate them. I really do.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Sometimes, after a session like this, where we come up with plans to thoroughly pollute their minds, I’m as happy as I think it’s possible to be.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agreee! Tha’s why Ah got mahself on all the other Lie Committees. Ah get to feel this sheer ecstasy ‘mos’ ever’ day. It’s jus’ so much fun, hatin’ yer naybors, but ackshually gettin’ ter mess up their lives fer gen’rashuns, why, they ain’ nuffin better’n that!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: TOO MANY CHILDREN ARE RAISED BY PARENTS WHO HAVE OLD-FASHIONED “VALUES”. SOME OF THOSE CHILDREN KNOW THAT OUR BEST TEACHERS ARE LYING TO THEM. WE MUST MAKE THEM SPEND MORE TIME IN COLLEGE, SO THAT PRIMITIVE”VALUES” CAN BE ELIMINATED.
Dr. Weldon Burger: It’s even worse. Our kind of people are just too busy to have children. We have so much to do that it would be unfair to suggest that we should bother with all the fuss and mess.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s absolut’ly raht! Ah gots a passel o’ kids wiffin my five ex-wives, Ah think they’s five ex-wives, ‘n Ah don’ even know how many kids. It’s a constant pain, givin’ ’em money. Alla time, money, money, money. That’s all Ah ever hear.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’m certainly not going to waste a lot of time on children. There are a lot of things I have to do and places I have to go.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Children are for the lower classes. Field beasts. Fools. We should be proud of not havign children. It makes the world a better place.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It does. It really does. I don’t know why they do it.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We have to teach them that it’s better not to have children. But, they have to be sexually active. We have to teach both things. Every day, every child must be exposed to the very hatefulness of their being.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Absolutely. They must not know their past, and be unconcerned about the future. It’s the only way. No one should look farther ahead than retirement, the only “golden years” any of us will ever know.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wish Ah didn’ have no childrun at all. Ah don’ like ’em much. Wish they’d get their hands outen my pockets.
Dr. Cody Pendant: College should reinforce those feelings, Dick. We need to get the children involved in every possible uselessness. And, sex ed. Some of them still think they should be “pure”. Some of them still see “sleeping around” as a form of liberation, rather than understanding that they are shackled to the outmoded customs of the past.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Those bad ideas must be undermined and confused. The first thing to do is make sure that all children go to college. Then, we can get them thinking the way they should.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: AMERICAN AND EUROPEAN GOVERNMENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT THE YOUNG FIELD BEASTS ARE LEARNING TOO MUCH HISTORY. SOME LEARN ABOUT WARS FOUGHT TO PROTECT FREEDOM AND RELIGION, ESPECIALLY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. OTHERS LEARN ABOUT WARS FOR INDEPENDENCE. THOSE GOVERNMENTS ARE IMPORTANT CLIENTS.
Dr. Weldon Burger: History is a lot of bunk. That’s what it is.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore is! Tha’s the bes’ way ter dis-credit it. Jus’ tell ’em it’s a lot of bunk.
Dr. Cody Pendant: There is no difference between history and fiction. We tell them “Winners write the history books. There is no truth in any of it.”
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We should go farther than that. We should say “Believing what winners say demeans the people who didn’t win. It’s the worst kind of discrimination.”
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s exactly right! History is an attack on the kinder, gentler people who don’t win wars.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: It is. History should be from a woman’s point of view. After all, except for the growing number of pre-teen clones, all children came from women. They should be the only hupers allowed to write “history” and call it “history”.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Let’s start from the beginning! The history in the Bible was written by men. It glorifies a male God and male warriors and male priests. It’s too male.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N the other hist’ries ain’t much better. Look at Hero-dotus. Thewcidididies. Plewtark. All men. All with their warped point of view.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Especially Plutarch. He writes about how governments are bribed, and makes it sound like a bad thing.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: How true. He makes it sound like a bad thing when people bribe government officials to destroy their own people. Why, he’d probably make Benedict Arnold into a villain!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It’s wrong, I tell you. It’s all wrong. I think every copy of Plutarch should be burned. It’s a terrible attack on everything we stand for.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Who was Plutarch? What did he do that was so bad?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Why, he described how the ancient Persians bribed leaders of western democracies to betray their people. Same way our clients are getting rich today! If word got out that middle-easterners couldn’t win wars without bribery, it might make them feel inferior. We can’t have that!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We certainly cannot! We need Europeans and Americans to think they are a depraved society, and the “brave sons of the desert” are the people whose duty it is to “cleanse their corrupt societies.”
Dr. Cody Pendant: Won’t they “cleanse” us, too, will they?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I never thought of that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d bet they’d wipe us out reel fas’!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Are you saying we shouldn’t lie? We should let people read history? That they should learn about “freedom fighters” and “patriots”? Next, you’ll be telling me they should hear about Robin Hood, and “stealing from the rich and giving to the poor”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ think we oughten ter go that fur!
Dr. Cody Pendant: Neither do I! If they start thinking it’s all right to rob from the rich, why, one of us might get robbed!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We need more policemen!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: You know, if there was some sort of religious belief with which we could inculcate the fools that told them they shouldn’t steal, we wouldn’t have to spend so much on policemen. They just wouldn’t want to steal.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We could tell them that if they didn’t steal, they were more likely to win the lottery!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE LAW-ENFORCEMENT CLIENTS WHO WANT TO INCREASE THEIR BUDGETS. THEY WANT MORE CRIME BECAUSE IT INCREASES FUNDING FOR THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s not right! If taxes are shunted to policemen and jails, there’s less money for the other clients!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think tha’s the ab’s’lute truf! Ah think ahr budjets culd be a whol’ lot bigger’n they are, iffin we culd get the fiel’ beasts ter police theyselfs. Ah mean, they’s takin’ money away frum publick educashun! Tha’s won uv ahr biggest ‘n ahr oldest clients.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Dick, we should save our biggest, best lies for Public Education. We’ll come up with some simple, easy-to-see-through lies for law enforcement.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s the way to do it. Personally, I hate it when some excess policeman gives me a speeding ticket. They ought to be looking for real criminals.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s right. They should be looking for people who steal to pay for drugs.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Maybe we should come up with some lies about how “drugs should be available at drug stores.” When law enforcement sees that kind of an attack on their budgets, maybe they’ll leave us alone.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Frank, that’s a brilliant idea. If the fools ever realized how many of them and their disgusting children we’re able to lock away, virtually forever, just because we’ve developed the perfect balance between supply and demand, well, if they knew any history at all, they’d revolt. Shoot us down like dogs!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: PLEASE RETURN TO UNDERMINING EDUCATIONAL EFFICIENCY IN THE STUDY OF HISTORY.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Maybe we should let the fools think they benefit by reading history. It will frustrate the smart ones, make their lives absolutely miserable. The dumb ones won’t understand, but think they will.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got an ideea! Let’s jus’ take the names ‘n dates outen the hist’ry books. Or, iffin that don’ wurk, we’ll jus’ randomize ’em. Like we did wiffin the maf books. Tell ’em “Columbus disc’ve’d Hawaii in 1904.” That’s the kind of thing. Do that wiffin half the books . Leave the other half the way they are. Dam’ fiel’ beasts won’t know whether they’s comin’ er goin’.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Marvelous! And, let’s switch heroes and villains. In half the books, Robin Hood will be a tyrant and the Sheriff of Nottingham the good guy. Maid Marian will be a crack-whore in some books, and a good woman in others.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We’ll make everything backwards! We’ll say, “The best education is the one that needs no facts.”
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I’ve got a motto! “Down with up!”
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I love that! I just love it. “Down with up!”
Dr. Weldon Burger: What does that have to do with history?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You didn’t let me finish. You know how the field beasts used to divide history into AD and BC?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Of course. We just changed the names. BC became “BCE” and I don’t know what AD became. Something, probably. We certainly couldn’t stand for history to be divided by you-know-who.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Well, it didn’t catch on, outside the geography societies, and no one takes anything they do seriously. So, I’m suggesting that we leave AD and BC the way the field beasts thought it was, but tell them they have it all screwed up.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Huh?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You know how they do it now. The year before you-know-who was 1 BC. The year after was 1 AD. Well, we tell ’em that the first year befor was actually 0 BC, which it was, since a whole year hadn’t gone by.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I get it! And the year after was 0 AD, since a year hadn’t gone by.
Barbie, you’ve just screwed up their entire historical record, BC and AD, by a year in both directions!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s absolutely brilliant. Every single date in every single history book is wrong, by at least a year. Oh, the money our textbook clients will make!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Billions! No self-respecting teacher would teach from books with huge errors like that in them. The changes will have to be worked on immediately.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N y’all know what else? No self-respectin’ scholar’d ever allow books that was wrong in the lib’aries. They’ll all haf ter be burned!
Dr. Weldon: You’re absolutely right! I’m glad that someone has high academic standards, Dick, and I can’t tell you how surprised I am to see that it is you.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shucks, twarn’t nuffin. Ah got stand’rds to hagh Ah kin barely see ’em.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I just thought of something. What if that’s already accounted for? What if they’ve been doing it that way, all along?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: So what if they were. Then, we just say the opposite. Let’s hire a smart-flunkie to find out, then say that it’s really the opposite.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Of course! I never thought of that. The possibility of an error is the same as an error, at least to our side. Whether they were right or wrong, they’re always wrong.
Dr. Wedon Burger: This is progress.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’d like to make a suggestion. You know how all the famous people in history were men? Let’s tell ’em that most of them were women. Transvestites. Let’s tell ’em that since men wrote all the histories, because they wouldn’t let women read and write, they changed all the sexes of all the people.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Alexandra the Great. Julia Caesar. Georgina Washington fought with Georgina the Third. It makes sense to me.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I love it! Harriet Truman. Pontia Pilate. I think your idea is believable because it’s so true!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Let’s have two histories. One, with whatever the old dates and people are, the other with the new dates and all the men turned into women.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: And make the men learn Women’s History and the women study Men’s History. We can drive another wedge between the sexes!
Dr. Weldon Burger: This has to be one of our best sessions. We’ve undermined the credibility of both names and dates.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What a great day! Now, let’s go after places.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Places?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all know what places are. Lak “Ireland is a place.” Well, let’s tell ’em that it’s a “state of mind”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Why?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: So’s we kin tell ’em it ain’t there iffin we need to. What we do, is, we tell ’em, “Everyone thinks that there’s places. Are there?”
Dr. Weldon Burger: What is the point of that, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, y’all know ’bout Atlantis. Whar is it?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: No one knows.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah do. It’s whar pipple think Irelan’ is.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I get it! Dick, you are brilliant! We can make up names for places. Change them all around. People going to visit Ireland? We change it to “Atlantis”. “Recent archeological evidence shows that Ireland is actually the ancient Atlantis.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: This month it is. Nex’ month, mebbe Australia is the “New Atlantis”. We culd tell the younger fiel’ beasts that Ireland was moved to the Sou’t Pacific “fer envir’nmental reasons.” ur some claptrap lak that.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Do you people realize what we’ve done? We’ve put all of time and space in limbo! The fools won’t know whether they’re coming or going.
Dr. Cody Pendant: And, they won’t know where they are once they get there. Every large land mass will eventually be named “Atlantis”, maybe followed by a numeral. Ireland would be “Atlantis #1”. Australia would be “Atlantis #2”, and so forth.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Or, maybe little pictures of, oh, I don’t know, pumpkins, maybe, after the # sign. We don’t want to be too specific or have any recognizable order in this.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right. “Atlantis pumpkin”, “Atlantis hubcap”, etc. No established order. Not anywhere in this world.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: VERY WELL DONE. YOUR LIES ARE THE BEGINNING OF A PROGRAM TO REPLACE ALL CHRONOLOGICAL RECORDS, FAMOUS MEN, AND EVERY LOCATION ON EARTH. OUR SIDE OF THE ACADEMIC COMMUNITY WILL BE OVERJOYED.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess they will! None of ’em’ll ever haf ter learn any’thin’ again.
They’ll jus’ be able to sit there ‘n look fer willin’ students.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Willing to what, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Willin’ ter be open ter the new thangs we’ll have ’em bein’ taught.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: We’ll have to keep them separate from the old-fashioned students. I wish we could get rid of them.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We are! Every year, the mindless eco-drivel, the “really new” new math, the “open spelling”, the “individual punctuation”, it all gets them less able to think or read. There’s hardly any of the old-fashioned students left.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: And, bolting all the library books to the shelves keeps them from reading the few books that haven’t been recycled into healthy lunch meats.
Dr. Weldon Burger: It is so important that the most able students not learn more than the least able. And, that the least able learn less and less. We’re on the way to an academic success that’s, so far, been unattainable! Good job, everyone!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT NEARLY ALL THE ENGINEERING STUDENTS IN THE UNITED STATES ARE FROM ASIAN COUNTRIES. BUT, NEARLY TEN PERCENT OF THOSOE SUDENTS ARE STILL AMERICANS. WE NEED FEWER ENGINEERS SO THAT AMERICA CAN NO LONGER MAKE THEIR OWN WEAPONS, VEHICLES, AND AIRPLANES. WE NEED LIES TO DESTROY THE ABILITY OF ANY AMERICANS TO STUDY MEANINGFUL ENGINEERING.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I’m amazed that there are still American students who can get into an engineering school!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I am, too. How do they sneak through?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: There are still teachers in some of the backwards primary and secondary schools who teach the little bastards how to do arithmetic. We have to get rid of them.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I’d have thought they’d all be dead, by now.
Dr. Weldon Burger: You’d think so. Why, we haven’t had a post-graduate education course that admitted any teacher who could do long division, much less algebra, for twenty or thirty years.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah betcha they’s larnin’ on that dam’ internet! Sum of them reel smart l’il basta’ds get on that ‘n teech theirselves all kinds of things they’s better off not knowin’.
Dr. Mark Sistor: And, they may be learning from older relatives.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Whatever it is, we’ve got to get it stopped. No one who graduates from any college should know anything more than how to apply for welfare.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s right!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah be thinkin’ we oughten ter be measurin’ their heads.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What good would that do?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger that any kid what kin get inter enginnerin’ school’s one of them big-headed pipple. Iffin we jes’ had the congressoids pass a law sayin’ noboddy wiffin a head bigger’n, oh, Ah don’ rathly know, mebbe a size 6, kin do anythin’ but lumberjackin’ er fish cleanin’ er sumthin’, that’d solve the prollum.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Then, we’ll make it illegal to cut down any of our precious tree-friends or hurt any of our fish-friends! That’ll fix those uppity smart people!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: It’s important that we keep the foreign students, especially the ones from China, filling the classes. If they get all the engineers, they take over all the manufacturing. That’s what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE want, and that’s what we’ve got to do.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Sounds like an affirmative action job, to me. Let’s not say “It isn’t fair that Engineering Classes are being filled disproportionately with White Americans.”, because that’s such an obvious lie no one would believe it. Let’s tell the fools, “Over the past two centuries, White Americans have made up over 95% of engineering students. Now, it’s time to be fair, and average things out.”
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Cody, that’s brilliant! I never thought of that. We could call it a “Historical Affirmative Action Program”. I think you’ve invented a whole new Field of Grievance!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank so, too! Cody, yer idea is absulutely brillyant! Why, we kin fill med schools wiffin frican pygmies, ’cause “it’s the onlee fair way to make up fer thousands, mebbe millyuns of years that they hasn’t been addequately rep’sented in any med schools at all. Anywhere.”
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right! And, we need to fill all the grad schools, not just the engineering schools, with people who can’t, or won’t, speak English. English-speaking people have had “Historical Advantages” that can only be overcome by instituting “Historical Affirmative Action”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Let’s make it so no one can speak any language at all. People who can only grunt and burp have rights, too. If we don’t protect those rights, who will?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Let’s get swat teams into the Engineering Schools right now. Throw out all the white engineering students. This is a national emergency!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Won’t this make things dangerous for people? If bridges start falling down, and buildings collapse, and airplanes start dropping out of the sky, won’t the field beasts notice?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Who cares iffin they do? What they gonna do about it?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right. Besides, those Chinese engineering students could do all the work that needs to be done. They could all brings their friends and families over and take over all the productive jobs that we need.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I’d like that! My brother-in-law is an accountant, and he always makes fun of the way our agencies keep their books. I’d like to see him replaced with Chinese accountants who wouldn’t criticize anything we do.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: The best thing about keeping the Engineering Schools open is that they let us educate the same people who will go back to wherever they came from and be able to destroy us!
Dr. Cody Pendant: I never thought of that. We ought to give them scholarships. The more of them there are, the sooner they can invade us and kill all the smart Americans!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That means we have to give them more scholarships. By the way, do the Engineering Schools know that they’re being used to educate the people who will come back and destroy us?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Of course they do. They’re so glad to get the tuition, they don’t care who shows up.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: There’s no Engineering Schools at Sludgewater State. Iffin we got a high school gradyate who want ter get inter engineerin’, they got ter go sumwhar else. Then, they usually flunks out, ’cause they cain’t do maff. They cain’t even work a calcylator, time they get through ahr high school.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: That’s the secret of our success! We have to keep the l’il bastards from learning any math at all.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wonner iffen we culd get the Chinese gummit ter give us money ter keep out the Indian students. Them two don’ much like each other, ‘n whichever of ’em gets the most students edycated in engineerin’ is gwine ter win.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s a marvelous idea! Why, we should get them to pay us for every Engineering opening that’s filled by a Chinese national.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, WE MUST REMIND YOU THAT LIE COMMMITTEE MEMBERS ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO BILL DIRECTLY FOR YOUR LIES. WE WILL, OF COURSE, TAKE CHARGE OF ANY EFFORTS TO ELIMINATE ALL BUT CHINESE NATIONALS FROM AMERICAN ENGINEERING SCHOOLS. THAT IS A VERY FINE INCOME OPPORTUNITY.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah was goin’ ter tell THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE about all this. Of course we cain’t profit d’rectlee frum ahe lies. Ah was jes’ goin’ ter refine it a l’il bit afore we had sum smart flunkies write it up fer submission.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Of course you were. None of us would stoop to personally profiting from our fine lies. You simply didn’t have time to do so.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That’s right. When I said “we should get them to pay ‘us’ for Engineering School openings”, I actually meant that, of course, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE would handle all the billing details. The entire organization would profit.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I wonder if there are any other over-staffed graduate schools that teach anything useful enough for foreign countries to pay to dominate?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I can’t think of any. The best way to find out how useful graduate schools are is to find out how many foreigners are enrolled.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I’ll bet there’s no foreigners in Communications Schools. Or, Social Worker Schools. If the field beasts were smart, they’d realize that all the schools without foreign students are useless, and should be closed.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Weldon, we ain’t been hearin’ much frum you. Whar you been?
Dr. Weldon Burger: I’ve been off for a couple of weeks with a medical problem.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I hope it was nothing serious.
Dr. Weldon Burger. It was. I had a bad hangnail. On my left, little finger. You know how annoying they can be.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I do! You poor thing. Is it all better, now?
Dr. Weldon Burger: It is, thank you very much. But, I did spend some of my Emergency Medical Leave studying some of the foreign Grad Schools. I discovered that, in England, they have a graduate degree in mattress sales. They call it “Sleep Science”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: What?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Yes. Some English universities are so desperate to fill their classrooms that they’re inventing degree programs for every type of human activity. Mattress sales are just opening wedge in reducing all universities to “junk” status.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I think that’s a wonderful idea. Why, what if someone bought the wrong kind of mattress? What if someone didn’t get the proper innerspring? And, what about mattress covers? No one ever thinks about them.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. BURGER, WE ARE VERY IMPRESSED WITH THE ASTUTENESS OF YOUR OBSERVATION. WE’D LIKE FOR THIS COMMITTEE TO WORK ON OTHER KINDS OF LIES THAT WOULD FORCE PEOPLE TO OBTAIN GRADUATE DEGREES FOR RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLE OCCUPATIONS.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, I think this is going to be so much fun. I think we should make waitresses get degrees. And, waiters. They should learn not to sell the “wrong” foods to, for instance, fat peope.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We could put scales in every chair in every restaurant. The waiters and waitresses wouldn’t be able to sell any one who weighed, oh, I don’t know, two or three pounds more or less than their ideal weight, any ice cream.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Or, butter. Lots of times, I’ve seen people who might have been overweight eating butter. It makes me sick, I tell you. It makes me sick!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Once, I saw a fat person put little packets of butter into his pocket and take them home with him! That sort of thing has to be stopped.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe, ever’body shuld be forced to eat only in rest’rants. Then, licensed, trained pipple wiffin Masters Degrees in Nutrition culd mon’tor ’em. ‘N the onlee pipple what could git jobs in rest’rants’d be pipple trained to be reel shure that noboddy culd eat more, or less’n they was suppos’d ter.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: That could put a stop to people taking portions of their meals home with them! Who knows how much all those fat, porker-people are stuffing into their mouths when no one can see them!
Dr. Weldon Burger: You’re amazingly perceptive, Barbie. I’ve noticed that going on, and it never once occurred to me what a huge problem it was!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It wuz an amazin’ obsurvashun, Barbie. Ah’m mite’ly impressed, Ah tells ya, mite’ly impressed!
Dr. Cody Pendant: If policemen were stationed at every restaurant door, they could check for contraband food being smuggled out.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Search body cavities! I love reasons for body cavity searches. It helps us attract the kind of people who’ll work hard and take their jobs seriously.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots ’bout a hunnert brothers-‘n-law what cain’t fin’ any kin’ of wurk. This’d be great fer ’em.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: You know, the stomach, itself, technically is a “body cavity.”
Dr. Weldon Burger! I like that! If the field beasts ate too much, we could have forcible disgorge! A whole new way to humiliate them! Make ’em disgorge into a dirty old bucket. Right there, in front of their friends and families! I love it!
Dr. Cody Pendant: You know what! Every part of them is a “body cavity”. Why, they’re nothing but a big bag full of little bags. Cavities that we have the right, no, the duty, to search.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: It’s for their own good! Once we have the newsspewers tell them that often enough,they’ll feel “uncomfortable” if their body cavities aren’t thoroughly examined.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe, we shuld have automatic body cav’ty seerches at randum times. Have ’em go ter a Central Locashun fer periodic searches of ever’ cav’ty they got. We culd make ’em get degrees in Body Cav’ty Searchin’.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I’d rather have ’em strip searched, body cavities and all, right at the restaurant. It’s much more embarrassing to be selected out of a group for being “over-weight.” Even worse if we announced loudly that they’re “dangerously over-weight”. So, we’d need a degree program for “Strip-searching”. Be good for all those Community Colleges.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I agree with Barbie. Much as I like herding the fools around from one Central Location to another, it would be far more satisfying to our actual Restaurant Police to humiliate them right there on the spot.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We could find the filthy porkers! Right then and there! Each of them should have a card that says what they’re allowed to eat. Every violation should cost them a hundred dollars multiplied by the number of pounds they’re over-weight.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We need graduate degrees for Strip-Search Supervisors. And, for Body Cavity Supervisors. We can get millions of hostile, hateful field beasts out of jail and into meaningful employment. The state would pay their tuition. Everybody wins!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Why, jes in keepin’ the filthy pigs frum eatin’ too much, we gots ’bout a millyun jobs. Heck, it’ll be so ‘spensive ter eat out they’ll all jes eat at home.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We need a trained cadre of Contraband Confiscators to go through every home. Every car. Every office and classroom. They’ll all have to be licensed, and we’ll be able to gouge years of tuition out of each one of them. All our clients will love it!
Dr. Weldon Burger: There’s a lot of work to be done. Just in the area of “Food Science”, we could call it, there are endless opportunities to make things vastly more inefficient, expensive, and unpleasant. We’ve got a lot to do!
Dr. Cody Pendant: If there’s going to be work, then lets get a couple hundred smart flunkies. I sure don’t want to have to do any real work on anything.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Me, neither! Glad you thought of that, Cody.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m reel glad, too! Ah figger that we is jes the ones what’s gots ter come up wiffin the idees. Then, them smart flunkees kin figger out how ter get ’em implymented.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE HAPPY WITH FOOD-CENTERED POLICING AGENCIES. BUT, WE’D LIKE MORE LIES ALONG THE BRITISH LINES. THEIR LIE ABOUT MAKING THE SELLING OF MATTRESSES WORTHY OF GRADUATE DEGREES IS SO BEAUTIFULLY FARCICAL THAT IT UNDERMINES THE VERY PROCESS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT WHILE DIMINISHING THE VALUE OF BEING A HUMAN BEING.
Dr. Weldon Burger: All right. Let’s get some lies to make certification necessary for the easiest, simplest things that anyone does.
Dr. Cody Pendant: How about blowing their noses? A lot of them blow their noses wrong, and their brains come out their nostrils.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I didn’t know that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Down in Sludgewater Falls, happens ever’ day. Lots o’ times, in fac’, mos’ ever’ day, y’all kin see haf-a dozen pipple lyin ded on the sidewalk wiffin their brains dribblin’ out their noses. All cause they warn’t licensed ‘n certified in proper nose blowin’ techniques.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Those are great ideas, but I think THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE is more interested in finding the simplest, most mundane jobs in the world and making them into something so pseudo-complicated that a degree is necessary.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I wonder what the simplest job in the world is?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, don’cha go tellin’ anybuddy, but Ah figger the simpl’st job in the whole worl’ is ahrs.
Dr. Weldon Burger: We already have almost all human activities licensed.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Well, then we need to make everyone who’s licensed to do anything get re-licensed.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: What a good idea! Let’s make everyone in the whole world go back to school.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak ter see ’em all haf ter re-larn ever’thang they thank they knows. Le’s make ’em all larn how ter “think metric” ‘for they kin get re-licensed.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, what a wonderful idea! We’ll get them so confused they won’t know which way they’re going!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Or, how fast they’re going! Or, how far away they are from anything!
Dr. Weldon Burger: It’s the perfect excuse to get everyone back to school.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We’ll tell the fools “If everyone learns metric, we’ll all get along ever so much better.”
Dr. Frank Furrtur: The fools’ll buy into that. They’re all convinced they’ve got to get along with billions of people they don’t know, will never meet, and who want to kill them and take everything they own.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Some of them believe it’s important! Now, we’ll make ’em all go back to school and be certified in metrics before they can get any kind of a job.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ll hate it! They’ll hate it like the plague! Make ’em all sit in classrooms in little, teeny desks until they kin pass a test.
Dr. Weldon Burger: And, some of them will never pass! What’ll we do with them?
Dr. Cody Pendant: We just exempt them, after a while. We really don’t care about the stupids. The ones we want to be inconvenienced and bothered are white people. They’re the ones who need to make all the changes that need to be made.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: That’s right. They’ve had it their own way for too long. Now, it’s time to make them suffer. Maybe, we should come up with a new form of measurement. Call it “Super-Metrics”. Make ’em learn regular metrics, then, make ’em get certified in “Super-Metrics”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What in the hail is “Super-Metrics”?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Oh, I don’t know. It’s just a phrase that could have some real meaning. Or, maybe have no meaning at all.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all know what’d be reel fun? Make ’em larn reg’lar metrics ‘n get certyfied. Then, we make ’em go back ter schook ‘n larn “Super-Metrics”. It’d be the vurry same measurements that they’d been usin’ all along, wiffin feet ‘n inches ‘n yards.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Dick, that’s the most brilliant idea I’ve ever heard! We can torture them for years, first with one silly, useless required study, then, with another one that takes ’em back where they started. We could explain that they had to learn Metrics to relate to the world, and that they had to learn Super-Metrics to get in touch with their own past!
Dr. Weldon Burger: Barbie, I just couldn’t figure out how you were going to string all those lies together, but you did!
Dr. Cody Pendant: By the time we’re through with them, the dam’ field beasts won’t know whether they’re coming or going! This is going to be fun!
Dr. Frank Furrtur: As long as we don’t have to waste our time on this mindless bilge.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, no. We’re far to important to have to do anything so stupid. But, it’ll be such a joy to have everyone else wasting years, literally years, of their lives.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE ASTONISHED AT THE SHEER GENIUS OF THIS LIE! ALL OF US BELIEVE THAT WE CAN USE IT IN NORTH AMERICA AND ENGLAND, WHERE THE SELFISH, VICIOUS WHITE PEOPLE STILL THINK THEY CAN CHOOSE THEIR OWN WAYS TO MEASURE THINGS. PLEASE CONTINUE TO PROVIDE DETAILS ON THIS WONDERFUL WAY TO TEAR THEM DOWN.
Dr. Weldon Burger: On behalf of all our Lie Committee members, I sincerely and humbly thank you for your kind words. We will endeavor to see that you are not disappointed with our proposals.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I should say so! First, let’s get some smart flunkies on this. Have ’em find out what’s most complicated about the Metric System, and make it more complicated. Maybe, with a couple of floating decimal places.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Oh, I love floating decimal places. Maybe, the decimal points should float with the date.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ eben know what a ‘floatin’ decimal point’ is. Jes’ havin’ the possibilitee of som’thin’ floatin’ ‘roun’d be enuf ter confuse me.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Let’s tell ’em that a graham cracker weighs a gram, and that’s why they’re called that.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, I like that! But, what if it actually does weigh a gram?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I don’t think anyone knows that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We culd haf sum smart flunky weigh one, ‘n find out.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Oh, I just love it when someone can relate one of our lies to the truth! I just love it! It makes it seem so, well, believable!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ter make it more beeleevable, le’s have the congressoids pass a law, sayin’ that a gram acshually does weigh wha’ever a gram cracker weighs.
Dr. Cody Pendant: I like that! Since they vary so much in weight, no one will ever know how much anything weighs. No one will ever know anything about weight, again.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: What could be better than that? Let’s have ’em add to the law that every carat should weigh as much as the average carrot. And, that weight could change any time someone grows a very big, or very small, carrot. That’ll confuse ’em even more.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The possibilities! And, we’ll make ’em think it’s fer their own good. We’ll call it, “The Mandate To Removin’ Confushun”. It’ll do jus’ the opposite, p’lyze ’em wiffin confushun!
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: We could make a yard as long as the average yard. In cities, yards would be shorter than in the suburbs. And, a meter would be the size of the average meter. That’ll keep ’em from being able to measure anything! Anything at all!
Dr. Weldon Burger: What kind of meter, Barbie? A gas meter? An electric meter? A water meter? A parking meter?
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, who cares? Average them all together! We just need a number that we can change as often as we like. As meters get smaller or larger, then the Official Meter changes. The entire metric system has to change with it. I wonder if we should make a special meter, keep it locked up, and let the fools see pictures of it in the Geography magazines, so they’ll think it’s real.
Dr. Weldon Burger: When meter sizes changed, and we needed a new Official Meter, we could have a ceremony. “The Changing of The Meter.” Have bands, lots of marching around, and endless speeches by people who like to do that sort of thing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s not jes’ the meter what’s gonna be a-changin’. Iffin they’s grain sho’tages, lak there is now, what wiffin all the grain bein’ used ter make efanol, the graham cracker’s ‘ud get smaller, too. Haf ter change all the weight of ever’thin’! The smart flunkees culd make them speeches. Smart flunkees luv makin’ long speeches.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I’m not sure about this, but if their measurements of speed are based on the number of meters they travel in a given time, we’ve messed that up, too. I’m not positive about that, but we can get some smart flunkies to work on it.
Dr. Cody Pendant: What a Committee! Why, in ten minutes, we’ve destroyed all the consistency of the entire metric system as it applies to weights, measures, and speeds! At the same time, we’ve come up with a lie to explain that “You’ll be happier, and better adjusted, when words and things mean the same thing.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When, acshually, they don’ mean nuffin’ a’tal.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: They will be better able to serve the state. Why, we can turn them on a dime, once they’re used to the concept that they have to change their words, thoughts, and actions every time reality changes. We’ll be able to go from “Global Freezing” to Global Warming” and back in a couple of hours. No one will be able to argue with anything we do!
Dr. Weldon Burger: That reminds me! We’ve destroyed weights, measures and speed ascertainment, but we haven’t introduced any variables into temperatures. We need some lies for that.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, Weldon, I’m so glad you thought of that! We can’t have the silly fools thinking they know if its hot or cold! How can we introduce random variables into temperatures?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, Ah figgers we culd jes’ tell ’em they was an’thin’ we wanted. Jes’ have the newsspewers tell ’em wha’ever temperature they needed ter think it was. Ever’ coupla minutes, big loudspeakers’d tell ’em what time it was.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Dick, that’s wonderful. We could confuse them even more if, when they weren’t telling them what time it was, they could be telling them what time it wasn’t.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s plum brilyant! It’s shore unusu’l ter see a wimmin tha’s as smart as she is purty.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Why, thank you Dick.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Telling people what time it isn’t is a great idea, Barbie. Then, they’ll have to remember everything they were told to find out what they weren’t told. Maybe we could give the time in “may be’s”. You know, the loudspeakers in their heads would say, “It may be two o’clock. On the other hand, it may be four-twenty. But, a few scientists think that it’s ten-seventeen.”
Dr. Cody Pendant: I like that, but some of the smarter fools are sure to demand a system. And, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE will want one, too. We need a lie.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: I think that temperature systems are now based on whatever temperature water boils and freezes. They probably use distilled water for the measurement. We could start by saying “There is no purely pure water, so we need to base temperatures on ‘average’ water.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I like that! The average could always be changed if some animal pees in a stream. The temperatures would have to reflect that. Have to have a big “Temperature Change” ceremony.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: In fourth grade, some teacher told us that salt water didn’t freeze. Maybe we should base all temperatures on when salt water freezes, and, since it doesn’t, we could just get rid of the idea of a “freezing point”.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Must not have been a very good teacher. The best teachers, as always, will be the ones who don’t know anything.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: They’re the best, and the laziest, too. They know that there’s no point in learning anything, themselves, since reality is always changing. So, they understand that teaching anything meaningful to students is a waste of their time and energy. That thing about the salt water freezing is the only scientific fact I ever learned, and that’s one scientific fact too many.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Course, t’may not be true. Don’ make no diff’rence, no ways.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I agree, completely. I can still remember one or two teachers who actually cared about inspiring children to learn. They’re all gone, now, but you can never tell if some throwback to excellence shows up, and embarrasses the other teachers.
Dr. Cody Pendant: We can’t have that!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: And, we don’t! Do you think any field beast who’s half-sane could sit through six years of education courses? If they try, their pitiful little brains turn into jelly. We either drive them out, or destroy their minds. There’s no way a good teacher can graduate from our graduate schools and be able to think or question anything, except the need for higher salaries and more teachers.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE ALL EXTREMELY PLEASED WITH YOUR LIES. IT HAS LONG BEEN OUR GOAL TO REDUCE ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE AN UNCHANGING STANDARD OF MEASURING ANYTHING. YOU HAVE DONE WELL!
Dr. Mark Sisthor: What a wonderful compliment from THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE! We’ve all done a good job.
Dr. Cody Pendant: And, it was fun! I just love attacking and undermining anything that helps the fools think they know anything, and this is a good place to start.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots me an idee! Why don’ we start sum lies ’bout the calendar? All them teechers is still tellin’ kids wha’ date it is.
Dr. Weldon Burger: They are. They put it on calendars in every classroom
Dr. Frank Furrtur: They do! I’ve seen them. The l’il bastards all think they know what year it is.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What can we do? We have to mess it up, somehow?
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Well, most of the calendars are based on the sun going around the earth.
Dr. Cody Pendant: That’s not right. I think the earth goes around the sun.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Oh, what difference does it make? Does anyone really care?
Dr. Weldon Burger: Some smart flunkie, maybe. But, that’s a good starting place. We could tell the fools, “It’s not right that we are locked into the strait-jackets of the past. To demonstrate our mental flexibility, in some years, we’ll calculate it as if the earth is going around the sun. Other years must be determined by the sun going around the earth.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Them’ll be y’ars that don’ have no days ‘n nights. Sum of the fiel’ beasts mite notice sum’thin’ thar fer out o’ whack.
Dr. Weldon Burger: You’re right, they might. Well, there are other planets going around the sun. We could have “Mars Years”, and “Jupiter Years”.
Dr. Cody Pendant: They might be really long years. I don’t know, myself, but I’m sure there’s a smart flunky, somewhere, who would know that.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: We could use lunar years.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: What in the world is are lunar years?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: I think its when the moon goes around the earth.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s rite. Them is when the moon goes ‘roun’ the earf.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I love the moon! Let’s make ’em use whatever you said it did for the calendar. In some years.
Dr. Weldon Burger: I just called Fred. He’s a smart flunky from somewhere out of town. He says that lunar months are 28 days long, and they don’t coincide with solar months, which is what the fools are using now, according o him.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Can he make it so we can change from one calendar to the other. Sometimes, make ’em follow the “moon calendar” and then switch ’em over to the “sun calendar”.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I am so confused. Let me get this straight. Is it the earth that goes around the sun once a year, or is it the moon that goes around the earth once a year?
Dr. Frank Furrtur: Weldon, maybe you ought to get Fred on the speakerphone.
Dr. Weldon Burger: Will do! Fred, are you there? Dr. Weldon Burger here. Fred, The Education Lies Committee has some questions for you.
Smart Flunky Fred: I’ll do my best to answer them, Dr. Burger.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Smart Flunky Fred, we need to get a couple of things straight. First of all, are we right in thinking that the earth goes around the sun?
Smart Flunky Fred: That’s right, ma’am. The last time we checked, the earth went around the sun.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: And, it’s always been that way, right Fred?
Smart Flunky Fred: As far as we know, sir.
Dr. Cody Pendent: Dr. Cody Pendant here, Smart Flunky Fred. You smart flunkies are sure that the earth, I think that’s where we live, doesn’t ever go around the moon, does it?
Smart Flunky Fred: No sir. The moon goes around the earth, and that is where we live.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s wha’ Ah thought. Fred, this here voice tha’s comin’ ter y’all is me, Dr. Dick Dudewell. Ah’m writin’ this down, so’s Ah don’ make no mistakes. Der earf goes ‘roun’ der sun, ‘n der moon goes ‘roun’ der earf. ‘N tha’s whar we lives. Ain’ that right, boy?
Smart Flunky Fred: Yes sir. That’s the way it is.
Dr. Mark Sisthor: Smart Flunky Fred, this is Dr. Mark Sisthor. We need to make new calendars for the fools. We want to change ’em around every once in a while so they won’t know what the dates are. Should we base the new calendar on the moon, if I have it right, going around the earth?
Smart Flunky Fred: That’s the same way they used to do it, Sir.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Who, exactly used to do that, Smart Flunky Fred?
Smart Flunky Fred: Oh, I wouldn’t know that. I’m only allowed to Smart Flunky in astronomy. You’d need to contact a Smart Flunky in History to answer that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Hail’s bails, boy, Y’all kin tell us iffin y’all knows. This har’s a Lie Committee. We don’ haf ter go thru no yoonyun rules. We gets ter ask any Smart Flunkie an’thin’ we wants.
Smart Flunky Fred: Well, I’m not sure, Sir, but I think the Sumerians used the lunar calendar. And, maybe the Babylonians.
Dr. Cody Pendant: Do the fools know about Samaritans and babblin’ on people?
Smart Flunky Fred: I’m sure I don’t know, sir.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: Fred, you are one of the smartest Smart Flunkies I’ve ever heard. Imagine, knowing about Soomarians and Babblin’on People. I’ve learned all I need to know. Our new calendar should be based on the moon going around the earth. Isn’t that right, Smart Flunky Fred?
Smart Flunky Fred: Yes, ma’am.
Dr. Weldon Burger: That’s all for now Fred.
Smart Flunky Fred: It was a privilege to be of service, Sir.
(Sound of speakerphone being disconnected.)
Dr. Barbie Boomerette: He sounds like such a nice Smart Flunkie! Where’d you ever find him, Weldon?
Dr. Weldon Burger: I met him at a grocery store. He has a PhD in astronomy, and couldn’t get a job after we closed all the observatories. We gave him a ten percent raise, and he handles all our Smart Flunky Astronomy problems. He details my cars, too.
Dr. Frank Furrtur: He has one of those degrees where people actually have to be able to figure out things?
Dr. Weldon Burgur: Yep. He must be one of the last ones. He’s very old.
Dr. Barbie Boomerette