FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE AN IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT. FIELD BEASTS ARE STOCKPILING ANTIBIOTICS AND USING THEM AT THEIR OWN DISCRETION. WHEN THEY BYPASS OFFICE VISITS, OUR CLIENTS LOSE MONEY. YOU ARE TO REDUCE UNAUTHORIZED USE OF ANTIBIOTICS TO INCREASE MEDICAL CASH FLOWS. LIE OFTEN, LIE WELL.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It’s wrong for people to think they can take care of any medical problems at all! The Education Sub-Committee should do more to undermine any idea that they can take care of themselves!
Dr. Murray Eel: Self-medication is an attack on their betters. The arrogant fools are already allowed to take aspirin without a prescription, and that’s bad enough.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Well, Ah haven’t been on this here committee very long, but Ah heard that the greedy fools ahr buyin’ livestock antybiotics, and medicatin’ themselves with that.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dr. Dudewell, how do people dose themselves with animal antibiotics? Does it work? Is it safe?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iff’n they weigh two hunnert pounds n’ they got an antybiotic pill for a 2,000 pound bull, they jes’ take a tenth of it. Or, iffin they got a perscripshun fer a hunnert pound dog, they just take two pills. It works, and it’s safe, but we don’t want any more of the fools knowin’ that.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: They’re saving a fifty dollar office visit and a fifty dollar prescription and they’re only spending a dollar or so? That’s terrible for our clients’ cash flow! Do our clients know this is going on?
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THAT’S ONE REASON WE CALLED THIS MEETING. WE NEED NEW LIES, AND WE NEED THEM NOW! SELF-MEDICATING WITH ANY KIND OF ANTIBIOTICS HAS TO BE STOPPED!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I understand. Anyone have any suggestions?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, animals and people do use the same antibiotics. I mean, we can’t put poison in animal antibiotics, because our clients could get sued if half the cows or chickens in the country died. Can we say that animal antibiotics are more ‘impure’?
Dr. Murray Eel: No. Our clients use the very same ingredients to make both human and animal antibioitics. They’d get sued by animal rights wackos the first time they found a sick pig.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: How about making people think that animal antibiotics have impurities that make human beings put on excessive weight in odd places.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, that’s a l’il bit of a start. The big issue is, we’ve got to take somethin’ that’s chemically identical to what the fools are already takin’, costs ’em one hundredth as much, n’ make ’em think it’s bad for ’em. We got to come up with really good lies!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: There’s a related problem. People are also treating themselves with internet info. They use computers, and diagnose their problems better than any doctor. Then, they buy the medicine from vets. Why, some of ’em are actually buying horses just to be able to purchase antibiotics by the pound.
Dr. Murray Eel: Can we get the vets to stop prescribing medicine? Get laws passed that all animal antibiotics must be administered by a licensed practioner?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Murray, Ah’m from Texas and Ah owns a whole passel o’ ranches. No way can we get legislation to make it so vets or their assistants are the only ones who can ‘noculate whole herds of cattle spread out over square miles. It jes’ won’t fly. Nope. We need lies, really good lies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, my. This is the worst predicament I’ve ever seen. Would it work if we added something into the animal antibiotic? You know, have our congressoids mandate that all animal antibiotics have something in them that would make human beings sterile, or smell funny? There has to be something!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If we couldn’t get some bad additives legislated, we could just say we did. You know, maybe that’s the lie. Get some crippled people on a couple of news and talk shows. . .
Dr. Murray Eel: News and talk show? Dan, I didn’t know there was a difference.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, of course there isn’t. News show, talk show, just different ways to cram the fools’ minds full of lies. But, we may need more than lies. We need outright fraud. We need people with disfiguring diseases that can be blamed on overdoses of animal antibiotics.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah hate to use fraud when a lie will do. And, Ah think Ah’ve got a good lie. What we say is that “Metabolic differences between bipeds ‘n quadrupeds cause different reactions”. That’ll implant a li’l doubt. Then, we add som’thin’ like “The smaller brain mass of the quadrupeds keeps brain-damaging chemicals from concentrating in the cerebellum”, or some other brain part that sounds scary.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: What about the “pineal gland”? None of the fools know what it does. I don’t know, myself, but this sounds believable: “It is proven that the comparatively large human brain mass absorbs far more chemicals than the brains of animals. Scientists and researchers consider it almost certain that bathing the vital pineal gland in impurities reinforced with antibiotics powerful enough to penetrate cell membranes has a deleterious effect on cognitive ablity, and may cause emotional instability.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wow! Great lie! Ah like it! Ah really do. But, Frances, Ah can’t believe you don’ know what the pineal gland does. Ah thought y’all wuz a brain surjun ‘fore you got on the Lie Committee.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I have the honorary degree from Postum Multiversity that licenses me to operate on the brains of Medicare recipients. The Committee decided my degree replaced the actual experience that I needed, and, so far, they’ve been right. I am not just another honorary medical doctor. I also have honorary Ph.D.s in Economic Bioethics, Comparative Theology, and Communications.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: And all at der expense of the American taxpayer! Truly, dis is the land of opportunity.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, you are the most completely certified liar on the Sub-Committee. Congratulations! All this time, I thought you were just another honorary MD. The Committee made a great choice! Thanks to all of you, we have a lie we can send out for focus groups and refinement. Sounds good, and it’s uncontradictable.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, shouldn’t we add something about hair? After all, animals have more hair than people, and we could say that animal antibiotics stimulate hair in unsightly places.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s a great add-on lie. Ah lak ‘nose’. We can always say “Some researchers believe that hair growth on the nose may be accelerated by the use of animal antibiotics.” That’ll give the simple-minded news-spewers somethin’ to make a face at, and, at the same time, show how ‘sensitive’ he or she is to the needs of the viewin’ audience.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I like ‘nose’, too. By the way, in my country, people use bread mold as an antibiotic. Blue mold for fevers, green mold for infections. Or, maybe it’s the other way around. What I’m concerned about, can people grow their own antibiotics?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Shore can. The first antybiotics were made from bread mold. No reason why people couldn’t grow their own antybiotics. With a simple computer program, they could find out what they need to take.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s just what we should be worried about! Some smart guy could be selling antibiotics in yeast packets. People could grow their own. Sure, they’d be healthier, and save tons of money, but that would hurt our clients. Any lies, guys?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Geez! This is serious. Why, anyone could pre-package cultures of antibiotics and sell them on the internet. We’ve got to make that illegal!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Why, if the fools ever thought of that, more than half the doctor visits would stop. People would just stay home, type their symptoms into their computer, get a diagnosis, make their medicine, take their medicine, and get well without paying anything to our clients! Dick, this is the biggest medical problem in history!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No problem. We’ve got most of ’em convinced that they’re too stupid to do much of anything more complicated than put on a band-aid without “expert help”. We’ll have our talk/news shows prattle on and on about the dangers of self-medicating.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It’s better for the fools to be sick than to cure themselves cheaply. Self-medication has to be stopped. Anyvun haf a way to get Dr. Dorkay’s idea across?
Dr. Murray Eel: I’ve got a great lie! We have our news-spewers repeat: “They say that ‘a person who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client.’ Well, a person who becomes his own doctor has a fool for a patient.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Ohh, I love it! The fools will repeat that to themselves, nod wisely, and think they’re being intelligent! Wonderful job, Murray.
Dr. Murray Eel: It’s a start, Frances. But, I think it’s a good start. An edificial lie. A real foundation on which we can pile dozens of lies, the kind that magazine writers and book authors can reword and repeat for countless, boring pages.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Absolutely right, Murray. We can build an entire edifice of lies out of this. “A person who becomes his own doctor has a fool for a patient.” It flows, Murray, it flows as smoothly as an imaginarily melting glacier.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I haf anodder lie. It’s not as good, but ve can tell the fools, “Antibiotics compounded for animals are simply not as pure as the antibiotics made for people.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s very good, Henry. The fools like to be thought of as deserving better, so this will be easier for them to believe.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE ELATED WITH YOUR LIES. THEY ARE ALREADY HAVING NEWSSPEWERS AND TALK SHOW RANTERS REHEARSE SAYING SOLEMNLY: “A PERSON WHO BECOMES HIS OWN DOCTOR HAS A FOOL FOR A PATIENT.”
OUR CLIENTS HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT. IT IS A RARE TIME IN HISTORY WHEN THERE ARE NO GLOBAL EMERGENCIES. OUR CLIENTS ARE DESPERATE FOR MORE MONEY. THEY NEED YOU TO COME UP WITH AN IMAGINARY GLOBAL MEDICAL EMERGENCY BELIEVABLE ENOUGH TO GENERATE MASSIVE FUNDING.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Wow! This is going to be a fun lie. Scare the pants off everybody, make our clients richer, and increase regulations. This will be a real money-maker. Anyone have any ideas?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We still haven’t cured AIDS, and we’re not about to cure it because other sub-committees are encouraging risky behavior. We could go on making its dangers seem universal. That’s a good, proven way to generate funding.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think the whole AIDS thing has about run its course. Nobody really cares about it. Now that we got gummit funding to give pipple with AIDS a couple thousand a week for medicines that don’t work, people have stopped complaining.
Dr. Murray Eel: Amazing how money cures things! We need to invent a new disease. Something that we can say spreads like wildfire. Nobody is going to believe “resurgence of bubonic plague”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: No. And, we’ve done drugs to death. Alcohol, tobacco, all the old standbys are boring. We need a new lie.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on the Sub Committee for Food Lies. We’ve been lookin’ at ways to make it hard fo’ small furmers to raise chickens. We have news-spewers report endlessly that small poultry furms spread diseases.
Dr. Dick Dorkay: I like that. There are chickens on every continent, and in every country. If we could invent some sort of imaginary chicken disease, it might be scary enough to generate research funding.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Would we call it “bird plague”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nah. Sounds too extreme. What about callin’ it “chicken measles”, or “bird mumps”.
Dr. Dick Dorkay: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call it “bird flu”, after the influenza epidemic. We’ll have all the channels run a bunch of shows on how bad the flu epidemics used to be, killing I guess two or three billion people in less than a couple of weeks, and blame it on chickens.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Yes, billions vere infected. T’ough only a few million people are believed to have died, der threat can be said to be real.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Not that many people died. It was only about fifty thousand.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Frances, I don’t t’ink anyone has explained der formula to you. Ve always add either three, six, or nine zeroes to every death count. Ottervise, der fools von’t take us seriously.
Dr. Dick Dorkay: And, if anyone notices, we quickly blame it on “mathematical error” from a “misplaced decimal point”. A dozen deaths turn into “One million two hundred thousand people have died, or may in the very near future.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think that “bird flu” is a brilliant name. But, do y’all think people are dumb enough to believe that chickens, that have been around forever, are sudd’nly a dangerous source of global disease and widespread death?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Of course they’re that dumb! They love to hear about hidden dangers in common things so they something to breathlessly tell their friends about. Their overwhelming desire to say “Did you know . . .?” helps us with all our lies.
Dr. Dick Dorkay: “Bird flu” is a better name than “chicken flu”, even though we’ll have some research done to show that chickens are the main characters. “Bird flu” will make them afraid of all birds, from sparrows and eagles to their grandmothers’ canaries and parakeets.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on the Energy Lies Committee. Ah heerd at wun meetin’ tha’ some of the fools are worried ’bout windmills choppin’ up eagles. Bird flu’ll make ’em glad for all them piles of ground-up birds.
Dr. Murray Eel: It’s wonderfully well thought out. I can’t believe the fools are dumb enough to be actually frightened by canaries and parakeets.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ve worried ’bout ever’thin’ else we told them was dangerous. Why, we’ll be able to raise prices on eggs, fried chicken, feather pillows, an’thin’ at all that was ever connected with a bird just by certifyin’ ’em “Bird flu inspected”, or some such claptrap.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It’s a magnificent lie! One of our very best! And, we can make a little pun. “Will bird flu fly? “. Do you think anyone will get it?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not them. But, we like it, and that’s all that matters.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: ONE OF OUR CLIENTS JUST CALLED. “TELL THOSE DAMN LIARS TO STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH CHILDISH PUNS AND COME UP WITH BETTER LIES TO JUSTIFY GLOBAL VACCINATION.” THE CLIENTS DEMAND THAT YOU MAKE BIRD FLU SEEM SO SERIOUS THAT SEVERAL BILLION FOOLS WILL BE LINED UP FOR SHOTS AT TWENTY OR THIRTY DOLLARS APIECE.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Apologies from all of us. We had no idea that billions could be made with a silly little lie like “bird flu”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mah goodness. This shor’ly is a serious business. The lie Ah’d suggest is to first tell ’em how easily the disease is spread. Then, we show pitchers of what the disease does. Y’all know, pitchers of rottin’ lungs, hearts swollen up like basketballs, brains oozin’ outen pipples’ ears. Stuff like that.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: This “bird flu” is serious business. I just tried to multiply five billion people by thirty dollars, and my calculator broke.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Wow! Bird Flu will make really big money! Really big money needs really big lies. We’ve got the vector that spreads the disease, we’ve got lies for the results of the disease, but it seems like we’re missing something.
Dr. Murray Eel: Well, duh! We’re missing a disease. We just don’t have anyone on the planet with a cake of soap who’s ever gotten bird flu. There’s not a genuine case anywhere in the world.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Murray, stop griping und whining. Ve are der best liars in der verld. Ve don’t need a disease. Ve gotten der birds blamed. And, ve got pictures of the disease. Ve just tell a lie like: “The sub-microscopic organisms cause bird flu to change so rapidly they’re impossible to identify in the laboratory. By der time der medical scientist has focused his telescope, der microbe has changed.”
Dr. Murray Eel: Surely, the fools won’t think we can cure what we can’t even see? Are governments going to give our clients a quarter of a trillion dollars for a vaccine that has no known effect on a microbe they can’t identify?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Murray, too much you vorry. You just show der picture of a human lung spattered all over der wall affer a cherry bomb has gone off in it, and tell der news-spewers to say: “Can ve afford to have dis happen to us?” Then, der spewer shakes his head sadly, and concludes solemnly, “Ve cannot run the risk of doing nothing. Global innoculation is der only thing that can save us. Ve have to trust our medical scientists.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Not bad, Heinrik! Wouldn’t be the first time we generated funding for a problem that didn’t only not have a cause, but also didn’t exist anywhere outside our minds. I think we’ve put it together. And, Heinrik, I loved the way you call the unwashed homeless people we shave and dress up for photo ops “medical scientists”. I simply couldn’t stop giggling.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THE CLIENT IS SATISFIED. THEY CAN BEGIN TO BUILD ON YOUR LIES TO DEMAND GLOBAL VACCINATION FOR ‘BIRD FLU’. OTHER CLIENTS ARE COMPREHENDING HOW MUCH INCOME CAN BE GENERATED BY NEW DISEASES. THEY WANT LIES ABOUT DISEASES SPREAD BY OTHER ANIMALS.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Didn’t y’all try rodent viruses a few years ago?
Dr. Dick Dorkay: We did. We called them ‘hantoviruses’. It was a wonderful name. Trouble was, the only people who caught anything that we could blame on them were impoverished Indians living on remote reservations without running water.
Dr. Murray Eel: I was new to the Lie Committee. It was the first project I was on, and I remember it well. Mulit-media lying was newer then, and we made the mistake of trying to make the disease seem real.
Dr. Dan DorkaY: We released thousands of infected rodents into dozens of suburbs, but we just couldn’t get the disease going. Those damned suburbanites were too clean. So were inner city people. Too bad. We were hoping for the deaths of several hundred thousand people in New England alone.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: How many million people actually died from the hantoviruses?
Dr. Dick Dorkay: Six.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Six million?
Dr. Dick Dorkay: No. Just six.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Did they all die from the deadly hantoviruses?
Dr. Dick Dorkay: Well, we didn’t perform any autopsies, but indications were clear that many, many of those deaths may appear to have likely, or at least possibly, been caused, or accelerated by, deadly hantoviruses.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FORGET THE HANTOVIRUSES. A CLIENT HAS ASKED IF THERE ARE ANY DISEASES SPREAD BY DOGS, CATS, OR OTHER PETS THAT COULD BE MADE TO APPEAR THREATENING ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY UNIVERSAL VACCINATIONS?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, that’s a mighty fine idea. They’ve all got fleas and ticks. Maybe we could turn Lyme Disease into some kind of plague.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: What is that disease? The green death?
Dr. Dick Dorkay. No, no, no. L-Y-M-E, Frances, not L-I-M-E. No one knows what it is, exactly. That’s the wonderful thing about it. When we thought it up, we needed a replacement for mono. We needed to find a cause for the usual psychosomatic symptoms that so many of our leftist friends have. They needed an organic cause for the body disorders caused by unending hysteria so they could get on Disability.
Dr. Murray Eel: I could see some good newslies with our new Pet Disease Program: “Millions killed by beloved pets.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Fleas and ticks are a good start. I believe ve could also focus on vorms. All pets have some sort of parasites living in them. I’m sure that they’re easily spread.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: People hate the idea of worms living inside them!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Great idea, Heinrik! Ah’ve got a good lie along those lines: “Microscopic worm eggs attach themselves to dog and cat hair. When petted, the eggs stick to peoples’ fingers. When people rub their eyes, the eggs latch onto the tear ducts. People are going blind.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh! Oh! I’ve got a good one to add! “When the eggs hatch, the larvae swim up the tear ducts, lodge in the brain, and cause dementia.”
Dr. Dick Dorkay: This is wonderful! A probable cause for Altzheimers’. People will question whether or not they should have pets, and government agencies will have an excuse for inspectors, license fees, and big, fat fines.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think we invent a new kind of rabies. It’s caused by germs that make people worry, or be in a bad mood. Ah can see Oprah talkin’ ’bout “An ongoing plague of ’emotional rabies’, eatin’ away at the well-bein’ of every woman.” Show a coupla’ models foamin’ at the mouf.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: “Emotional Rabies!” I luf it! There’ll be no end to the medications and vaccinations ve can sell der fools, both for their pets and themselves. Vhy, our clients vill make billions!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Make sure you get lots of footage of some really overweight, five or six hundred pound women, foaming at the mouth, too. We want Emotional Rabies appear to be universal. Have one of them smack a kid, and get a close-up of him crying, with one of our super-sincere voice-overs reciting, “And, the suffering goes on. What can we do to make it end? What can we do?”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got a great addition! Y’all know how dogs are always sniffin’ each others’ butts? Wal, we say that’s “the sure sign of a pet afflicted with ’emotional rabies’. Iffin y’all got a dog that sniffs another dogs’ butt, it needs medication, and fast, afore it becomes fatal.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat’s gutt, Dick! Dat’s verry good. Let’s add someting to it. “If a dogs’ nose should come in contact vith you vithin a day of hafing touched anodder dog, you may be infected vith ’emotional rabies’. If your quality of life isn’t vhat you tink it should be, you probably are infected.”
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS LOVE YOUR LIES! AS YOU KNOW, CLIENTS HAVE MADE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WITH DRUGS THAT LOWER THE FIELD BEASTS’ CHOLESTEROL. SOME OF THE SMARTER FOOLS REFUSE TO TAKE THESE DRUGS. OUR CLIENTS NEED NEW LIES.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: This was one of our best campaigns. The fools think that they should shut down their liver functions to make some gullible doctor happy.
Dr. Murray Eel: It’s amazing. Since antibiotics, doctors don’t have as much to do. They’ve got lots of time to listen to our salespeople. So, our clients hired us to invent lies their sales forces could use to convince doctors to tell their patients they’d be better off if their livers malfunction. Cholesterol is actually produced in the fools’ livers. They’re spending billions on Lipitor and statin drugs to do shut down their livers! Fools!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I do not understand. I was not on this committee when those lies were developed. Can someone help me?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, Ah wasn’t here, either. Ah don’t fully unnerstan’, but Ah think what happen’d was they tol’ the fools their cholesterol was too high, the fools believed it, ‘n started takin’ pow’rful chemicals to wreck their livers.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat’s exactly right, Dr. Dudewell. Research hass found dat der more insecure field beasts haf an innate desire to meet standards. Vhat ve did vas find out their average cholesterol, and tell them dat der “best” standard vas much lower. Ven insecure ninnies lowered their cholesterol to dat level, our clients’ sales dropped.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I get it. Then, you did more “research” and lowered the standards, again. How many times can you increase their dosage before they figure out they’ve been duped?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No one knows. The credulous fools will keep lowering their cholesterol until their livers explode. Or, wither away. Who cares?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How much do y’all figger our clients made?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, it’s like a galaxy full of money. Still makin’ it.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Effen better, ve got der congressiods to make Medicare pay for it. Der fools are destroying their livers wif money dey pay mitt dere own taxes. Oh, happy day! Taking der money, selling them der rope, vatching dem hang demselves.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: And, when they die young, Social Security funding lasts longer.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: They die younger and dumber. Statin drugs taken in the huge dosages we recommend do damage from head to toe. Wrecks their nervous system. Circulation, too. And it makes them fall down all the time so they get hurt and run up more bills before they die. Great bunch of lies from a great bunch of guys!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FOOPAHSTAN AND DUDEWELL SHOULD BE UP TO SPEED. STOP THIS CHIT-CHAT ABOUT OUR OLD LIES. WE NEED NEW LIES. BETTER LIES. NOW.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d like to suggest a lie campaign called “Zero Cholesterol”. The fools should be convinced that zero is the only safe amount of cholesterol for “healthy living.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan. “Zero Cholesterol” has a nice sound. Let’s couple it with a couple of phrases like “Seeking medical perfection.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If “Zero Cholesterol” is good, wouldn’t “Sub-Zero Cholesterol” be better?
Dr. Murray Eel: Now, that’s a lie! That’s a great lie! We just get models with perfect bodies playing volleyball while some sensitive-looking twit solemnly intones: “Sub-Zero cholesterol. Who’d have thought it possible?”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Implying, of course, dat tinking such lunacy is a sign of hafing an above-average intellect. Kill dem mitt dere own vanity. I like it!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Hope they don’ confuse it wiffin “Sub-Zero refrigerator.” Who cares iffin they do? The fools’ll have to take a quart of statin drugs every day. Won’t they notice that it’s killing them?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Nah. We’ll just put on the labels that “initial health changes are possible while body adjusts”.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s rich! Their livers disappear, or explode, or whatever they do, and the fools don’t even notice!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: “What fools these mortals be.”, why, Murray, are you quoting Shakespeare.
Dr. Murray Eel: Not on purpose.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT SUB-ZERO CHOLESTEROL MAY BE TOO EXTREME A CONCEPT FOR THE FOOLS TO SWALLOW.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: How about this? We have both sub-zero cholesterol AND pills that contain cholesterol?
Dr. Murray Eel: I love it! We’ll tell the fools “Medical science has finally discovered a way to precisely control cholesterol on based on YOUR INDIVIDUAL needs.” You know how much the fools like to be thought of as individuals.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Telling them they’re “individuals” is the best thing that ever happened to mass marketers. And, this gives us another chance to say “See your doctor.” Doctors love it when we tell the fools to give them even more money. And, they like the importance of “doctordom” being endlessly inflated on TV ads to get the fools to swallow more powerful chemicals than ever.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve need some copy ter be read by some slow-speaking, serious-looking nincompoop. “Only you und your doctor can determine vat is best for you. Der latest scientific opinions are dat cholesterol should be lowered to zero, or below, and brought up to the exact level that vurks best for YOU mitt precisely metered cholesterol supplements.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Thats a great campaign. Each “supplement” will cost ’em a day’s worth of Social Security. It’ll get the field beasts thinkin’ that somebody actually cares about ’em while it makes ’em even poorer ‘n more dependent.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And, daily or weekly monitoring increases office visits, which makes more money for our clients.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It sure does. I had to go to a doctor a few weeks ago for mood elevators. The office was literally jammed full of old field beasts. They were crammed in standing up, so they wouldn’t fall over. It was wall-to-wall wrinkly people. They thought they were seeing a real doctor, not one of our purchased PhD’s from a Postum Multiversity.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah bet he was rollin’ in dough!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Actually, it wasn’t a “he”. It was one of the new classes of totally transexual physicians. No one knows what sex they are or aren’t, and no one is allowed to ask.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: For all any of the fools know, it’s a chimpanzee with a close shave.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Chimpanzees are a lot smarter than people think.
Dr. Dick Dudewell (astonished): Y’all mean that we got acshual chimpanzees handin’ out pills?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Not yet. Mostly, we dress trained chimps in cute doctor outfits and send them into the public schools for lice inspections. We can bill the School Districts at full medical rates, and pay the chimps a few bananas.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Does that work?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Actually, the chimps do a better job of lice removal than the real doctors and nurses. Plus, the profit margins are vastly better, especially when bananas are cheap.
Dr. Murray Eel: Doesn’t anyone complain that chimpanzees dressed up like medical practioners are pawing their children?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If they do, we accuse them of speciesism. We demand to know “What! Do you think people are better than animals?” There’s not a single person allowed in Public Education administration who’s smart enough to answer “Yes.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: There must be big money in using chimps instead of doctors! What else can we have the chimps do?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe some proctology work?
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: ONE OF OUR CLIENTS IS A PSEUDO-CHARITY, AFRICA, BACK TO NATURE . THEY ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT DISEASE. TWO OR THREE AFRICAN COUNTRIES WANT TO USE DDT TO PROTECT PEOPLE FROM MALARIA. UNPROGRESSIVE AFRICANS ARE STANDING BETWEEN US AND VAST MINERAL DEPOSITS. WE NEED NEW LIES TO PROTECT MOSQUITOS, MALARIA AND INCREASE OUR ACCESS TO AFRICAN LAND AND MINERALS BY DEPOPULATION.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO COME UP WITH NEW LIES TO MAKE DDT UNPOPULAR, ILLEGAL, AND UNOBTAINABLE.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Remember, back when Rachel Carson wrote our favorite book, and convinced every pseudo-intellectual nitwit on the planet that DDT was bad?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: At the same time, she convinced the same people that human beings were bad and everyone, except her readers, should be removed from the earth. Those were the good old days.
Dr. Murray Eel: DDT saved more people than anything but antibiotics. We can’t let them bring it back!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: So, vat do ve do? If ve make it any more obvious that ve vant to depopulize Africa, American blacks may protest.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They don’t care. They never did. Never will. Ah mean, there’s outright slavery goin’ on in Africa. A-rabs are buyin’ house servants n’ field hands for twenty bucks apiece ‘n workin’ em sixteen hours a day ’til they die. Not one Afro-American in government or the U.N. ever says a word in protest. Judgin’ by their actions, they wouldn’t care iffin ever’ person south of the Sahara was dead.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Are they really buying slaves for twenty dollars?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. I bought a couple dozen myse’f when I was on an ivory safari. They worked ’round camp, cleanin’ up the tusks, washin’ the armored personnel carriers, settin’ up tents, jus’ takin’ care of things in gen’ral.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Did you bring them back? Do you have any extras?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah couldn’t. The Administration hadn’t loosened up immigration then. Ah had to resell ’em when I came back. Some rich A-rab bought ’em for sixty dollars apiece. Ah tripled my money!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: If dat’s est going on, and black Americans know about it, and don’t do or say anythink, I guess they von’t vorry about a few million more malaria deaths.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: And, we know that left-wing white people won’t complain about people dying, if we make them think it helps the environment.
Dr. Murray Eel: Those “love your neighbor” white people are in the way. They’ve got the gall to put people ahead of the environment.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. When Ah was pertendin’ to be a Southern Baptist, a lot of ’em were outraged that millions of Africans were dyin’ from malaria ever’ year. Some of ’em was smugglin’ DDT into Africa in food packages ‘n Bible shipments.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s terrible! It’s illegal! Allowing people to help others when it interferes with a Client Cash Flow is a crime against, well, against us. And, the idea of letting those people have Bibles! They mustn’t ever think that there’s a God, much less that He would love such wretched, useless people.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know it, Frances. It’s a crime ‘n it’s got to be stopped.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Let’s focus on our assignment. What new lies will keep people from using DDT?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve haf killed two, t’ree hundred million people with malaria. How much more do dey vant from us? I vurked hard on der DDT lies, and it’s never enough. Aren’t ve killing enuf Africans vith starvation, crooked governments viping dem out mitt armed gangs uv maniacs, and AIDS?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Heinrik, you’ve done marvelous, simply marvelous work in this area. No one has ever gotten rid of as many people as we have. Getting rid of DDT was a wonderful idea. But, the fools just keep having children. As long as they do that, we have a job.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I know, I know. It’s just depressing, sometimes. Of course I’m proud of helping to reduce population so greatly, but, sometimes, I vonder if ve didn’t go too far?
Personnel note for files from Executive Committee: Dr. Heinrik Plow may be starting to feel guilty for helping to kill millions of people. We must watch, to be sure that he doesn’t turn to the other side. Keep him involved, but watch him.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Heinrik, we’re doing great things for Africa. We’re reducing the number of people to a purely sustainable level. Without sustainability, where would we be?
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s right. Sustainablilty is a lot more important than life, itself. Sustainability is what separates us from the animals. Without sustainablity, we’d have no excuse at all for getting rid of so many useless field beasts.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I know dat haffing sustainable levels is important. And, I’m glad to be a part of making Africa sustainable. It’s just dose pitchers of all dose children. Skin und bones. Starfing, abused, orphaned.
Dr. Dick Dudwell: Heinrik, Ah used to worry ’bout ‘dem pipples, too. Now Ah unnerstan’ that sustainability is jes’ a whole lot more ‘mportant than pipple. Think how much worse’n off the worl’ would be iffin all the pipple we’s helped get rid of were still alive. They’d be pollutin’, eatin’, farmin’, buildin’, drinkin’ up preshus water, ‘n jes plain makin’ a mess of things in general.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right. Our goals are important, our clients are important. After all, what kind of low-end idealists would be be if we can’t decide that some ideals are more important than life?
Dr. Murray Eel: We set good, sustainable goals. People have to adjust to what’s best, not what they want. Those pictures of starving children, they’re just propaganda from the other side. True idealists can’t be sidetracked by a bunch of bleeding hearts.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Now, people, I don’t want to remind you again. Could we please get back to lying? We need to keep people from using DDT. Every single day that goes by that they can’t get their hands on DDT kills and sickens thousands of people, bringing us that much closer to Sustainability.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Tanks for making tings clear. I’ve got a good lie. Does anyvun tink der fools are dumb enuf to believe dat DDT causes “indiscriminate insect death”? If so, ve could tell dem dat “DDT destroys the nachural enemies of der mosquito, dereby only profiding a short-term benefit dat is damaching in der long
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Heinrik, I love it! It almost sounds true! We can use that! We’ll just say that “DDT is only a short term remedy. Using DDT makes a natural, sustainable cure for malaria impossible.” And, I just love your phrase, “in the long run.” We can use that in lots of lies. Everything we do is for the “long run”! For now, let ’em all die!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak it! Let’s us make up some ‘maginary ‘good bug’ that’s guaranteed to kill all the mosquitoes. How ’bout the Zambezi Dragonfly? “Indiscriminate DDT use will wipe out the beneficial Zambezi Dragonfly, thereby guaranteeing that African malaria will never be gotten rid of by natural, sustainable means.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: BRILLIANT LYING! CONGRATULATIONS TO DRS. PLOW AND FOOPAHSTAN. DR. DUDEWELL, WE’LL HAVE SOME SMART FLUNKIES GET IMMEDIATE REFERENCES TO THE ‘ZAMBEZI DRAGONFLY’ POSTED ON WIKEDPEDIA.
WE HAVE A NEW CLIENT REQUEST. RESEARCH SHOWS THAT MOTORCYCLE RIDERS WHO DON’T WEAR HELMETS NEED FAR MORE MEDICAL CARE THAN THOSE WHO WEAR HELMETS. BADLY INJURED RIDERS ARE A BOON TO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION. THEY REQUEST LIES TO CONVINCE MOTORCYCLE RIDERS TO STOP WEARING HELMETS.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, I’ll bet you love to see them riding without helmets!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I do! I’m trying to get my Postum Multiversity accreditation expanded so I can operate on motorcyclists, along with the brains of Medicare recipients.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Good money in that?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, my yes! My doctors won’t, of course, operate on any uninsured motorcycle rider, but the Medicare and welfare patients have unlimited billing rights.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: How much does the Postum Multiversity degree cost?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Half a million. That’s what I paid five years ago. That license costs a million, now.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s chump change. How many operations do you need to make it back, six?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Seven. After that, it’s all gravy.
Dr. Murray Eel: Not bad, Frances. How long do you have to actually study?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: At Postum Multiversity, you don’t actually have to study. You pay your money, you get your degree, and you are licensed to hire Russian, Cuban, Indian, or Chinese doctors to do your actual operating. Most of the Postum classwork shows us how to deal with our own behind-the-scenes operating doctor. He gets a couple of hundred dollars, and we keep the change.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That sounds reasonable.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Not as reasonable as you’d think. If the patient dies, under current practice, the operating doctor gets to keep the organs. They can sell a matched set of kidneys for a hundred thousand if a rich person with a matching blood type needs them.
Dr. Murray Eel: Why, that’s wrong! What can we do to stop it?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Who wants to stop it? All I want to do is get 80% of the organ sales price for Postum graduates.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What does the patient get?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: The satisfaction of knowing that he’s been a great help to another human being.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, Ah cain’t keep a straight face. Do pipple still think lak that?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: No one knows. They’re asleep when these decisions are made.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: EXACTLY WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH KEEPING MOTORCYCLISTS FROM WEARING HELMETS?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Clients must understand that the big money in quick motorcycle deaths is from organ sales. If they don’t wear helmets, they’re more likely to die quickly, and we get more body parts to sell.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shore do agree with that.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: On the other hand, helmeted riders who live generate vastly more fees for hospitals and therapists. Their billing is amazingly beneficial.
Dr. Murray Eel: So, do we all think that there’s more money in helmetless cyclists? If so, how do we get ’em to get those helmets off?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: First, ve tell them that it’s “their right” to be “free and unfettered”. Make them think they’re being more “manly”, even “heroic”, if they roar around without their helmets.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ll eat that right up! A lot of motorcyclists are bored pipple lookin’ to kill time. Let’s get some copy like “I don’t like bein’ tol’ what I cain’t do. I like the feel of the wind in my hair”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: They’ll love that! Of course, we don’t let them smoke, drink, or eat trans-fat, whatever that is, and we tax them into virtual slavery, but they’ve been so dumbed-down that they think riding without a helmet means they’re “free”. Fools! Hah! Free to provide more organs!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Let’s get some shots of geeky-looking creeps wearing huge, bulbous helmets while they drive prissy motorcycles. Pink Vespas, maybe. Show them being blown off the road by huge, helmetless men riding giant motorcycles.
Dr. Murray Eel: I like that one, Frances. Get lots of tattoos on them. The idea is, being rough and tough and free means getting rid of the helmet. Make them think that helmets are for sissies, control freaks, and the enemies of freedom.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Lets show gangs uf giant tuffs on huge Harleys smashing t’rough gaggles uv geeks on Vespas driving toward them. Show der geeks flying t’rough der air, landing in ditches, piles of manure, porta-potties, get them demeaned as much as possible.
Dr. Murray Eel: Have one of the big guys snicker, “Helmets! A fat lot of good they did!”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Make the fools believe that wearin’ a helmet makes ’em a target fer motorcycle violence. Make ’em think that wearin’ a helmet makes ’em into hunted animals. At the same time, the campaign’ll encourage the toughs to start goin’ after ’em. Have some shots of conversations in biker bars, “Didja see the way I got them geeks? Drove a dozen of ’em right into the median strip!” Another one’ll brag, “Ah, that’s nothin’. So fer this summer, Ah got ‘mos’ fi’ty of the nerdy basta’ds. Ah hits ’em frum the side. Wiffon their helmets on, they don’ even see me comin’!”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: While we’re killing more of them, we need to attract new cyclists. Once we have a secure organ flow, we have to maintain it.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It’s hard to convince most people dat dey shoult increase dere chances uv being maimed or crippled.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I know it. I wouldn’t ride one of those two-wheeled death traps. Let’s segment by ages. Young men ride them because they’re tough. Empty nesters ride motorcycles because “Now, it’s time for us”.
Dr. Murray Eel: You know, when we get two people on each motorcycle, we double the number of organ sources. Let’s push, “Togetherness on two wheels.” “This is the time to put some fun in our lives.”, “We’re riding a motorcycle built for two.”, along with Dr. Dorkay’s brilliant, “Now, it’s time for us.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If we double ’em up, we’ll double organ availability. Everybody wins!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Murray, that plan will get middle-aged people out on their bikes, but their organs aren’t as valuable. We need organs from sixteen to thirty year olds. Those are the ones we want on bikes, riding hard to benefit our clients.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Oh, come on, Frances. How’s anybody know how old any organ donor was? We jus’ tell ’em “our organs are from freshly killed teen-agers.” We can charge double. Triple. Quadruple.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat’s right, Frances. No vun can tell how olt a kidney is by lookink at it. Ve say dat all der organs dat ve sell are frum teen-achers.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS APPRECIATE YOUR LIES. THEY WILL CONVINCE MILLIONS OF MOTORCYCLISTS NOT TO WEAR HELMETS. THEY JUST WANT TO BE SURE THAT NOT WEARING A HELMET GENERATES MORE FEES THAN WEARING A HELMET.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I heard that helmets protect the head, but make it more likely to die of a broken neck.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Who cares? Der important ting is to get more pipple on motorcycles. The vuns who die provide organs, the vuns who survife need them. Everybody vins!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Finding out if it’s actually safer to wear a helmet would take research. It would take work. Let’s just say that “Sometimes it is better to be wearing a helmet.” Then, we tell the newspewer to add, very seriously, “But, experts agree, there are times when it is not.”
Dr. Murray Eel: That seems to cover all the bases. And, it saves us a lot of boring research work. And, we don’t have to waste money on a bunch of flunkies. I hate wasting our money on research-flunkies.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: There’s another problem. Some of these people end up in comas. They lie around for months, even years.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Do they ever wake up?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Sometimes, dey do.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s awful! Iffin one of them is passed out for more’n an hour, we pulls the plug. We’ll have a lot more organs to sell.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I don’t know if we can afford to wait that long. Let’s tell the Congressoids to pass a law that says “Medical research indicates that concussive forces strong enough to cause more than five minutes of unconsciousness may permanently impair the patient’s Quality Of Life. After five minutes, life support systems must be removed so that living people may be helped by greater Organ Availability.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ thank tha’s quite enough. Iffin we pull the plug, and the fool keeps breathin’, we oughta be takin’ additional necessary measures.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right! The Chinese are selling livers from freshly executed prisoners at a hundred thousand apiece. We can’t afford to let people just lie around while their organs rot.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, let’s have the Congressoids say: “After five minutes, both internal and external life support systems MUST be removed.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! We’ll get us lots of nice, fresh organs.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And, we can add a little something to the new law that requires 80% of the sales price goes to the Postum Multiversity Supervising Physician. “To fund further research in this vital area”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’ll make everybody happy!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: HELMET MANUFACTURERS WANT LIES MANDATING HELMETS FOR OTHER ACTIVITIES. IF WE’RE GOING TO LET MOTORCYCLISTS RIDE WITHOUT THEM, THEY NEED TO REPLACE THAT CASH FLOW.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think that chilluns shuld be wearin’ helmets mos’ alla time.
Dr. Heinrik Plow. Effery year, hundreds of millions of people are killed or injured by falls. Everyvun shoult vear a helmet all der time.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s a tough sell, Heinrik. How about “Any person moving faster than walking speed should wear a helmet.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve need helmets for walking, because millions uv pipple do trip und fall vile they’re valking. Ve’ll tell the fools that “It vouldn’t be fair to leave valkers unprotected, because it vould give slower-moving people an ‘unfair safety advantage’.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Heinrik, that doesn’t make any sense at all! I like it! I agree with Heinrik. All the fools should be helmeted. Everyone should wear a helmet all the time, unless they have a doctor’s excuse.
Dr. Murray Eel: Making them get their doctor’s permission gets the fools goin’ back to their doctors, which helps our clients. Doctors don’t like giving permission that lets people hurt themselves, ’cause they’d be likely to be sued.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sounds like most ever’body’ll be wearin’ a helmet.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Inside and outside?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Most accidents happen at home.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe we should mandate two kinds of helmets. One for the home or office. A bigger, stronger helmet ought’n to be mandated for all outside activity.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: So, if a field beast walked to work, it would need two helmets, one for walking and one to wear in the office?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yep.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, that’s wonderful! We could expand on that, and have helmets mandated for different speeds. An outside helmet for walking would be lighter than one for running. This is a real opportunity for a business making stylish helmet bags they’d have to carry around. More jobs for the field beasts!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Law enforcement clients complain that long sentences for career criminals have left them without much to do. Policemen could give tickets to improperly helmeted people! Every single person becomes a candidate for jail sentences and fines!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Every sport should have a special helmet, too
Dr. Murray Eel: What about track? Runners’d complain that “It’s not right that we be weighed down.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Good point, Murray. They’ll hate it! N’ pole vaulters’ll hate it more! By rights, they ought’n to be wearin’ the heaviest helmets of all. We’ll make their accursed lives miserable! Swimmers, too.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Our country will never win another Olympics game. Not one!
Dr. Murray Eel: No athlete will ever do as well as those in the past. Undermine their self-image! Make ’em think they’re failures!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Let’s make the fools put their names, addresses, and medical histories on each of their helmets. In three or four languages! It’ll cost ’em billions!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It’s for their own good. That’s what makes messing up their wretched lives so much fun! Telling them it’s for their own good. They’re so dumb they actually let that thought paralyze fighting back.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah th’nk we be needin’ helmets fer sittin’, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’d like to see that mandated, as well, Dick. But, how are we going to come up with a lie that says people should wear helmets while they’re sitting down?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, the way Ah figger it is, lots of times when a sittin’ fiel’ beas’ stands up, he might get reel dizzy ‘n fall over. Wif’ a helmet, he’s pertected.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! We can title this lie collection “All helmets, all the time.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Sounds like we need to mandate inside helmets, and outside helmets based on speeds, sports, heights, and occupations. Anything else?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: If we’re going to make the fools wear helmets, we could make the helmets have places for filters, so they don’t ever breathe in any dust. We’d have different filters for inside and out, and for different occupations, sports, and activities.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CONGRATULATIONS, DR. FOOPAHSTAN! OUR CLIENTS ARE ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC. AS SOON AS THE FOOLS HAVE BEEN MADE TO BUY AT LEAST TWO HELMETS, WE WILL DIRECT CONGRESS TO MANDATE THAT EVERY FOOL PURCHASE NEW, IMPROVED HELMETS WITH FILTRATION DEVICES. ANTICIPATED NEED FOR FILTRATON HELMET LIES IS TWO TO THREE YEARS.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Good job, Frances!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree! Tha’s one of the finest lies Ah ever heerd tell of!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ve got another lie that will generate additional helmet sales! The fools should be required to wear “sleep helmets”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s brilliant! Billions of field beasts fall out of bed while they’re sleeping. We don’t want them to hurt their precious heads!
Dr. Murray Eel: Dan, that’s a great lie. It’ll protect the hundreds of millions of sleepwalkers you always see wandering around outside at night, too. They’re always falling over and hurting themselves.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Sleepwalkers should have heavier helmets, since they may walk outside.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You know what else? Bath and Shower Helmets. High moisture areas require special “helmetizaton”, which will be the watchword for people who care.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right! The field beasts are always falling in the shower and hurting their heads.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin they have to wear helmets in the shower, how’ll the fools wash their hair?
Dr. Murray Eel: Who cares? It’s more important that they be protected from accidental falls.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s so true! Timing is important. On the Energy Committee, we’re gonna have the Congressoids pass laws to make it illegal for the fools to have hot water in unpermitted houses, so we’ll have to get these Bath and Shower helmets on the market while they still have tubs and showers at home!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: GOOD POINT, DR. DUDEWELL. WE WANT TO BE SURE THE COMMITTEES ARE ALL MOVING TOWARD OUR COMMON GOAL AT THE SAME SPEED. FIRST, REGULATION. THEN, TAXATION. THEN, ENSLAVEMENT. THEN, WELL, YOU KNOW!
MEANWHILE, CLIENTS TELL US THAT MOST MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENTS ARE NOW USING THE BULK OF THEIR CASH FLOWS TO PAY SALARIES. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY THOSE REQUIRING EXPENSIVE TREATMENT. LIES ARE NEEDED TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF PATIENTS.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s no surprise. I see old, wrinkly people every time I go get a prescription for new mood elevators. They’re always griping about how much their medicines cost. What a colossal waste, giving medicine and care to old people.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know it! Iffin they’d jus’ let the patients go home ‘n die, we’d save trillyuns. Healthcare execs are losin’ mighty big bonuses by lettin’ so many of ’em live.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Why wait for them to go home and die? Why should we let sick people even get into the hospital? We should have a Worthy Of Treatment Department to decide if someone is, well, “worthy of treatment”.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I love dat phrase, “vorthy uf treatment”. No field beast can be smart enuf to know if it is really sick. And if it did know, so vat? Der fools need a certified person to tell dem if they’re “Vorthy Uf Treatment”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We shore don’ wan’ to waste no money gettin’ ’em to the hospital. Cab and bus fares add up. We oughten to qualify ’em with a phone interview, whar’ it’s easier to say “no”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I agree in principal, but if they die at home, we may lose out on valuable organ sales. What if a mortician or butcher beats us there?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Morticians und butchers selling organs? Vat’s der vorld coming to?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: When they do get into the hospital, we have to get rid of the ones with unsalable organs. And, we have to be sure we don’t miss any good ones. Send the ones without salable organs right back to their hovels.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We need some flunkies who knows how triage should work.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What’s ‘triage’? Ah ain’t nebber heerd of ‘dat.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Triage used to be, back when there were people who thought health care meant that we should care about health, that the sickest or most injured people were treated first. Now, we want to treat them last, so they’ll die before they run up big bills that might not get paid and we get a fair chance to sell their organs before they go bad. “Reverse Triage”, we call it. Well, actually, we call the old triage system “Reverse Triage” so that people will think it’s going backwards to want to actually provide effective medical care.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah unnerstan’. Iffin some field beast has a hangnail, he’s gonna get treated afore one who’s bleedin’ to death.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We just have to be sure that we don’t miss any good organs. Triage should be centered around organ profit. The first to die should be the one with the most salable organs.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: And, medical coverage. The last person to be treated should always be someone without medical insurance and without any salable organs.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all can’t be serious! Surely everyone alreddy knows that!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Isn’t dat already in der Hippocratic Oath?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin it isn’t, lets have our Congressoids put it there. Actually, why should the Hippocratic Oath be longer than this? “The last to be treated should always be those without medical insurance and salable organs.”
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FLUNKIES WILL BE ASSIGNED TO DEVELOP “TRIAGE FOR THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY.” PLEASE CONTINUE WITH COST-CUTTING LIES.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Some of the fools get tumors. When they find out, they have the tumors expensively treated or removed. We need to develop an especially brainless kind of enviromentalist twit who’ll complain that “Tumors are living beings. Tumors have rights, too.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree with that! It’s an acshual fact! Tumors are livin’ bein’s. They do have rights! Tumors may not be mentioned in their precious “Constitution”, but they’re alive. That means they’ve got a right to life, and we’ve got to protect those rights!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Can we get away with saying that tumors have the right to life, and that unborn children don’t? Won’t the fools notice?
Dr. Murray Eel: The fools don’t see anything wrong when we use their tax money to protect baby seals and spotted owls while we subsidize the killin’ of their unborn children and grandchildren! We’ll tell ’em that it’s being “especially enlightened” to protect the lives of precious tumors.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N germs have rights, too. What right do pipple have to use deadly chemicals to attack helpless germs? That ought to be as much of a crime as radiatin’ a defenseless tumor.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ve always thought we should get rid of antibiotics. When I think of all the poor, dying germs writhing in agony after every dose of anitbiotic, why, I get sick at the heartlessness of it all.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Any germ or tumor may be someone’s grandfather in a new life-form. So may any germ. Just the other day, I was talking with Swami Randoo, and he said “Selfish Westerners don’t care enough about all the other life on earth as much as we care about our own.” He’s right! We’ve got to let the twits know!
Dr. Murray Eel: What about viruses? People are always trying to kill the poor things. It’s so wrong, so very, very wrong. And, killing viruses costs our clients a lot of money!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Al Gore says der very same t’ing. Like Al and Swami Randoo, we haf ter get ober dis selfish preoccupation mitt “vhat’s best for pipple” und get pipple tinking about “vhat’s best for life”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I think we should invite Swami Randoo to visit our committee. There are a lot of serious issues. For instance, should we begin an anti-X-ray campaign? That would save our clients trillions, and would protect precious micro-life.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s a great idea! Swami Randoo would be a big help. We can see how his religious approach has deestroyed ever’ country that it took hold in. Dr. Dorkay, do y’all think that the Executive Committee’d authorize it?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ll submit a formal proposal. Frances, do you know how much he charges a day?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: When we hired him to lecture at a Postum Multiversity, he only charged a million dollars a week, plus expenses.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s a bargain!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: The million is quite reasonable. The expenses were somewhat surprising. He had Postum Multiversity send its 757 fleet over for him and his entourage. He, his hundred and one virgins, and a hundred heavily armed eunuch guards occupied the entire Marriott Grand. By the time we paid transportation, food, lodging, clothing, and incidentals, it was another couple of million.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Chickenfeed. Dan, it’s only field-beast money, so it don’ matter how much it costs. Iffin he comes up wiffin one good lie, it’ll make all of us look good withoutten us even havin’ ter think.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: His contract guarantees at least one lie effective enough to generate enough income to reimburse his client for the visit.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, I’d like to hear more about Swami Randoo’s hundred and one virgins. That’s a lot of virgins! Are there that many? What religion is he?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: He used to be a Buddhist. Then, he became a Hindu. He took the best parts of both religions. Then, he decided he liked the idea of a harem. He threw in Mohammedism, and combined them into one. Now, he’s a Buddhumoo.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Bud who?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, it’s pronounced “Boodhoomoo”. It rhymes with “who do moo”. He combines the many, many Hindu deities with Buddhism’s search for enlightenment and the Mohammedism search for lots of women. In Buddhumoo, people become more sensitive to more spiritual forces and life forms of present, past, and future generations as they grow closer to the cosmic life force. And, they get to have sex with lots of women.
Dr. Murray Eel: Cosmic life force? He doens’t believe in God, does he?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Of course not! He believes that our inborn destiny is to be as God would be if He were, and grow as close to that ideal as possible.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Like Karl Marx. Ve decide what attributes der right kind of God vould have, and, if der field beasts don’t transform themselves into dat, den ve kill them.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, after we get all their money.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOUR REQUEST FOR FUNDING A SEMINAR WITH SWAMI RANDOO HAS BEEN SUBMITTED AND APPROVED. SWAMI RANDOO IS TO BE ADDRESSED AS ‘THE’ SWAMI RANDOO.
THE SWAMI RANDOO SHOULD BE SCHEDULED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR THE POSTUM MULTIVERSITY SEMINAR.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: All of us are very grateful for the opportunity to learn from The Swami Randoo and the new voodoo, oops, I mean, Buddhumoo religion he developed. Dr. Dudewell, I’d like you and Dr. Foopahstan to meet The Swami Randoo at the airport and escort him and his entourage to the hotel.
Dr. Dudewell: How’ll we recognize him?
Dr. Foopahstan: He’ll be the only one in the airport with a hundred and one virgins and a hundred heavily armed eunuch bodyguards.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Very funny, Frances. Really, Dick, I don’t think you’ll have a hard time picking him out. Get a couple hundred limos, some cattle trucks for the eunuchs, and bring ’em in!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Where we gonna have our meetin’? Does he bring all his virgins and eunuchs to the meetin? Ah never worked wiffen such an ‘mportant person, so Ah’ll need some advice.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: My own belief is that this meeting is so important that we should meet in Washington. I’d like to have the Congessoids move out of the building, and meet in the Senate Chambers.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Great idea! They’re always looking for a chance to go on vacation. Let’s send ’em all to investigate the slaughters in Africa.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Which ones?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, I don’t know. Pick any of them.
Dr. Murray Eel: I don’t know if Senators’ll go anywhere without air-conditioning. Let’s send ’em to Switzerland. They could have a meeting there.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Officially, Congress reports directly to the Sub-Committee for Political Lies. Any orders will have to come from them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on that committee. Ah’ll take care of it at our next meetin’. Do y’all want the entire Congress, or jes’ the Senate, to leave town?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Personally, I’d like to send them all to Africa and leave them there, but just getting the Senate out of town for our meeting is enough.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: How about a White House dinner for The Swami Randoo?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Now, that’s an idea. Dick, send the president to Africa with the Senate. We can put The Swami up in his quarters.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank that’s a great idea! How long y’all want him out of town?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Let’s check with The Swami Randoo.
Dr. Murray Eel: I’ve got an idea! Let’s have him address the U.N. while he’s here.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Effen better, let’s haf him be der U.N.’s new director.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, will the Political Lies Sub-Committee approve?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank they’ll do jes’ that. They’re gettin’ tired of the current guy. He maht be wantin’ ter be usin’ DDT in Africa, ‘n they don’ want that. The Swami Randoo is a lot safer fer our side.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: This is a dream come true! The Swami Randoo running the United Nations! Finally, all life forms will be respected.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Ceptin’ the field beasts! We’ll fix ’em good! Finally!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: NONE OF THESE PROJECTS HAVE BEEN CLEARED BY EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE! DR. DORKAY, YOUR COMMITTEE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND! WE WILL ANALYZE THE NEED FOR THE SWAMI RANDOO TO UTILIZE THE SENATE AND WHITE HOUSE. WE WILL DECIDE IF THE SWAMI RANDOO IS TO TAKE OVER THE UNITED NATIONS AND WHEN THAT CHANGE WILL OCCUR. WE WILL TELL THE POLITICAL SUB-COMMITTEE WHAT TO DO.
WE HAVE A SPECIFIC ASSIGNMENT. CLIENTS NEED MORE VACCINATIONS TO INCREASE CASH FLOWS. GET THEM BACK TO WORK ON THIS.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You all saw the directive. And, I must admit, we were all getting a little carried away. Evacuating the Senate and White House is, after all, an Executive Committee decision.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Do you think they’ll approve?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah thank they’ll have to. It’s such a grand idea.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: In the meantime, I hope you’ve all had a chance to review some lies to tell about vaccinations.
Dr. Murray Eel: I have. Vaccinations are wonderfully popular. Profitable, too!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dey are! Vat ve do is get dere pipple on der Education Committee to mandate more vaccinations. Millions of der field beasts take their young for the shots. Since dey’re mandatory, our clients get to charge as much as dey vant!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah should say they’re profitable! Why, we got each ‘n ever’ l’il basta’d takin shots for tetanus, polio, whoopin’ cough, measles, mumps, common colds, uncommon colds, influenzy, autism, readin’ disoders, dey’s takin’ shots on top o’ shots! In mah own dist’ict, we got each of ’em gettin vaccineeated with ten, twelve, fifteen shots a year. At a hunnerd dollars each!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: And der actual cost is less den un nickle!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’ve got an idea! What about making up a vaccination for vaccinations? You know, tell ’em that the other vaccinations’ll make ’em sick if they aren’t vaccinated for ’em?
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, you’ve made a true medical breakthrough! It’s like inventing X-Rays, or antibiotics. You are a genius!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s the bes’ idee ever! You shuld get a medal, Frances, a huge, solid gold medal the size of a hubcap!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You are both too kind. But, I appreciate your thoughts, especially the one about the solid gold hubcap. I’ll actually need three more. And, one for the spare tire makes five.
Dr. Heinrick Plow: I’d like to suggest a vaccination for dandruff.
Dr. Murray Eel: Heinrik, I didn’t know there was such a thing.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Don’t know iffin dere is, or not. Seems simple enuf. Just dissolve some dandruff and inject it in ’em.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And, if they get dandruff afterwards, we’ll charge ’em for another shot. A “booster”, I think they call it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Dandruff and dandruff boosters. Why, we’ll be bringin’ medicine where it’s most needed, keepin’ ’em lookin’ good.
Dr. Murray Eel: Lately, there’s been too much focus on medicine to make people better. We need vaccinations that they’ll think are important. I’d like to suggest a vaccination for acne.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yeller teeth. Ah’d like to get ’em all vaccineyated fer that.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: How about a wrinkle vaccine? The female field beasts would pay a lot for that. Actually, I would, too.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Athlete’s foot is a big problem. Ought to be a vaccine for that.
Dr. Murray Eel: Runny noses are disgusting. If we vaccinated them for that, the snot-nosed little bastards’d look a lot better.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: A lot uf vield beasts lose dere hair. Ought to be vaccinated.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d like to see ’em gettin’ vaccineyated fer body odor. The way some o’ them field beasts smell! Wheew!
Dr. Murray Eel: The actual vaccine for all those things should be easy to find and cheap to make. Sounds like some good profits for our clients! Especially if we could have the lice and nit picking chimpanzees give ’em the shots.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS THINK THAT SOME OF THESE VACCINES MAY REPRESENT IMPORTANT MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGHS. THEY DO, HOWEVER, THINK THAT SOME OF YOUR VACCINATIONS MAY BE HARD TO SELL.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: They all sounded good to us. Which ones do they think won’t sell?
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: AFTER DISCUSSION, THERE WAS NO UNAMINITY. SOME THOUGHT THAT THE WRINKLE VACCINE WAS RIDICULOUS. OTHERS THOUGHT THE BODY ODOR VACCINE COULDN’T WORK. BUT, AFTER A LONG AND INVOLVED EXECUTIVE SESSION, ALL AGREED THAT SALES OF ALL VACCINES WERE BOTH LIKELY AND PROFITABLE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY WORKED. PLEASE CONTINUE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak to vaccineyate ’em frum thinkin’. Iffen we could inject ’em with som’thin’ that’d jus’ shut down their brains, that’d make thin’s easier fer us.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s a whole new direction. To shut the fools up, we could vaccinate them against talking, too. I hate it when they talk.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I hate it, too! Yakyakyak. They just go on and on, and all I really want them to do is die.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s all any of us want, Frances. I wonder if there’s a vaccincation for life.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You mean, a vaccination that would make them die?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Yes. No. I don’t know.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank Ah may know whatchu mean. You don’ want ’em to die, but you don’ want ’em livin’, either. You wan’ ’em to be able to go through the motions, but tha’s it.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s it! That’s exactly what we want!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vat you vant are fur dem to be giffen lobotomies. Dat’s a form of vaccination against tinking. No queschuning, no joy, no feelings. Just mofement. Doink simple t’ings in simple ways.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Kin we do that? Lobotomize pre-schoolers?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, I can lobotomize. It’s in my degree from Postum. I’m all for more lobotomies. We need them. I’ve got two more doctors operating for me, one from, oh, I don’t know, one of the ‘stan countries. The other is from mainland China. That gives me six operating physicians, altogether. We can lobotomize an entire classroom in a couple of hours!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Is there something between vaccination and lobotomy? Som’thin’ that school nurses, better yet, trained chimps, could do for low-budget districts?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots an idea! Let’s do a bigger version of achoopuncher.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, what in the world are you talking about?
Dr. Heinrick Plow: I’m thoroughly confused.
Dr. Dick Dudwell: Achoopuncher. Y’all know what I’m talkin’ ’bout. Stickin’ Chinese needles in pipple.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Acu-puncture! I see. Well, what about it?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wiffin achoopuncher, we stick big needles in their brains ’til they stop talkin’, or eatin’, or smokin’ or whatever it is we don’ wan’ ’em to be doin’.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Do ve leave the needles in place?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shorely don’ know. We are still in the ‘xperimental stages of this here procedure.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: How do we get the needles in?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: You guys are askin’ awful technickal questions. Ah haven’t got all the bugs wurked out of it yet, but, jus’ guessin’, what we’d do is take out part of their skull-bone, ‘n jes’ stick a needle in until they quit talkin’, or whatever.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, that’s a marvelous idea! But, acupuncture needles are very small.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not these. These ‘ud be bigger’n sixteen penny nails. Big as darnin’ needles. Railroad spikes, mebbe. No point in messin’ ‘roun’. We want’s to get ’em achoopunchered fast!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: What if we left them in? They could get hit by lightning! Tangled up in shrubbery.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: So what? Slow ”em down, keep ’em inside. Jes thank how quiet they’d be. Still, leave ’em in so’s they could mow our grass, wash our windows, stuff like that.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, that’s a marvelous breakthrough. You know, I bought one of those “helper chimps” from a friend at the zoo. I have to beat it with a stick to get it to wash my windows. A brain-acupunctured field beast would be much better.
Dr. Murray Eel: Especially if it couldn’t talk! I’d like to have a couple dozen.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we all ‘ud like a coupla dozen of ’em. Where we gonna get some to ‘speriment on?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Let’s go to some high school. We’ll get a bunch of kids bored with study hall, gas ’em, ‘n take off part of their skull.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Then, just start stickin’ till they can’t talk any more but can follow simple instructions!
Dr. Murray Eel: That sounds like fun! I’d like to help out, as a paid volunteer, of course, in any way I can. I’d even take some of them home with me for various testing procedures.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We’ve got a lot of research to do! I want to know that if we use hollow needles, we could inject hot water into their brains. Real hot water, right where it would do the most good!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Or, ice vater. Maybe, liquid nitrogen. Ve have to experiment thoroughly ter be sure ve find der best way.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The bes’ way to do what, ‘sactly?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Der best way to make them tractable yet trainable.
Dr. Murray Eel: If we could freeze or burn their tastebuds out, we’d be able to feed ’em cheaper slop. Save a lot of money.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: If we could destroy the parts of their brains that felt cold, we could keep ’em in unheated barns!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah sees whatchu mean! Ah betcha we culd use sum kin’ o’ nail gun. Be reel quick ter get ’em all! These are sum great opp’rtunities for mankind.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Great days for “person”kind, Dick.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yur abs’lutely raght! Talkin’ lak a hick the way Ah do, Ah sometimes use the old words when the new wuns are so much better. But, shouldn’t it be “human” kind?
Dr. Murray Eel: That was last week. Or last month. Maybe, last year. New words come and go so fast around here that I can’t keep track. Anyway, “human”kind went out because “man” was in “huMAN”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Cain’t have that. But, ain’t “son” in per”SON”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Language Alert! Languate Alert! I’m calling a “Language Alert” right now. We all have to concentrate! Dick has discovered an overlooked sexism! We have to eliminate it!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: This means we have to come up with new word to replace “person”. Do the originators of new, non-sexist words still get a hundred thousand dollars from the Bates Foundation?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Yes, but only if the word replaces a formerly sexist noun or verb with completely confusing non-sexual word or phrase.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots a good ‘un. Ah thanks we shuld be replacin’ both the wurd “human” ‘n the wurd “person” wiffin “huper”.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: “Huper”? Vat duz dat mean?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, what Ah did was take the “hu” frum “HUman” and the “per” from “PERson”, ‘n Ah stuck ’em together ‘n made “huper”. Ah’m submittin’ it to the Bates Foundation. Ah’m a needin’ sum cash fer an investment.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, Dick, that sounds exciting. Any opportunities for the rest of us?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: There shore are! What Ah’m agonna do is find a big machine somewheres that’ll make big, holler needles to use for brain-deadenin’ them dam’ field beasts. Won’t matter iffin research says ter injec’ boilin’ water or freezin’ water inter their brains, Ah’ll be ready wiffin the raht needle! Mebbe in that th’ar nail gun Ah wuz talkin’ ’bout.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dick, you are changink der subjec’. Don’t you t’ink, since ve’re all on the same committee, dat ve should all get to benefit from “huper” and share in this marvelous investment opportunity?
Dr. Murray Eel: Heinrik makes a good point. Why, you wouldn’t have thought of “huper” if Frances hadn’t noticed the opportunity for a “Language Alert”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s true, Dick. So very, very true. I did notice that “son” was in “person”, which gave it an undesirable “maleness” and I was the one who noticed the opportunity for a Language Alert.
Dr. Murray Eel: And, I was the one who discovered that Frances may not have made the connection between her calling a “Language Alert” and the fact that it was morally right for you to share the proceeds of “huper” with at least me and Frances.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Nien! Just vun minute! I’m on dis committee, too. I contributed! I vas the vun who tought of injecting liquid nitrogen or freezing water into der fools’ brains. I should get to share, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: As titular Committee Head, I believe that all of us have made important contributions, if only just by being here. It is my decision that All Of Us get to share in the Bates Foundation Award for replacing sexist words with new, non-offensive words and phrases.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: But, Ah was the won who thought of it! Ah’d lak to share, but Ah got oblygations. Ah got alymony goin’ to at leas’ six ex-wives. Mebbe, more. Each of ’em got big, big houses ‘n lots of survants. Ah needs this money.
Dr. Murray Eel: Dick, we all have obligations. Personally, I’m on the hook for eleven children that I inadvertantly fathered through a sperm bank donation. I need the money just as much as you do!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: But, Ah was the one who thunk up the whole thang. It oughten ter be mine.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It doesn’t work that way, Dick. You are on a Committee, and Committee members do have rights. If you make a formal request, I can certainly ask The Executive Committee for an official ruling.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: (whispers urgently) Dick, if you do that, they might make a negative entry in your personnel file!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: (gives in with a shrug) Ah thank y’all are raht. Ah’m honored to share any profuts frum the Bates Foundation. But, Ah don’ figger Ah needs ter share the benyfits of the Dudewell Brain-Shrinkin’ Needle & Nail Gun Cump’ny wiffin y’all.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU ALL SEEM TO WORK WELL TOGETHER. YOUR NEXT PROBLEM HAS TO DO WITH OVERLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. SOME OF THEM HAVE CONCLUDED THAT GOD HAS PROGRAMMED A NATURAL CURE FOR EVERY DISEASE.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s awful! I mean, if that were true, then people could go pick fruit, leaves, bark, or roots, and cure themselves.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Some of them do just that. Do many of the fools know about this?
Dr. Murray Eel: I hope not. Usually, they’re so brainwashed into thinking negatively about anything new they ignore it. This sounds like another fad. Maybe some celebrity looking for a bigger role shot off his mouth.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dey could find cures with animals and minerals, not just vegetables. Ve can’t have them thinking about this.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shuld say not! Iffin they was to figger out how simple it was to cure pipple, there wouldn’t be many doctors drivin’ anythin’ more complycated than a bicycle.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I didn’t know it was that easy.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It is. Look at der statin drugs, for instance. Dey get rid of cholesterol. So do red yeast rice and cinammon. Only difference is dat dey do it a lot cheaper. Pipple can just grow their own. Almost free.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We have to put a stop to that! Maybe we should make cinammon illegal. If people can go out and grow their own medicine, none of our clients make a nickle.
Dr. Murray Eel: Heinrik, do you mean that if I ate, say a teaspoon of cinnamon every day mixed up with water, that my cholesterol would go down?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Most definitely. And, it vould cost you about a dime a day, radder den fife or ten dollars.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And, that red yeast rice? It’s so good at getting rid of cholesterol that it’ll hurt your liver just as much as Lipidsor, or whatever that statin drug is.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’s lots of other thangs the fools be doin’. They’s gettin’ all kinds o’ fungusoidal ‘fections. You kno, athelete’s foot, crotch rot? They curin’ it wiffin Vick’s Vapo Rub.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat’s yust costing our clients billions! It has to be stopped!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You know what I heard? I heard that they were getting rid of moles and some kinds of skin problems by focusing sunlight on them with a magnifying glass.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That can’t be true.
Dr Frances Foopahstan: I have to confess that I tried focusing light with a magnifying glass on a mole on my arm. Focused mid-morning light on it with a magnifying glass for, oh, I don’t know, fifteen or twenty seconds, maybe longer.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Did it vurk?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It was gone in a few days. Got rid of age spots, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Make sure you don’t tell anyone. If our dermatological clients ever got wind of this, they’d blame us for letting it go on.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We’re gonna have to recycle some ol’ lies. Y’all r’member. “Too much light makes skin disappear”, or, “Suntans, the silent killers.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay. We’re all agreed. We have to come up with good, sound lies to convince the fools not to grow or produce their own medicine.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Or take short cuts! We can’t let them, oh, I don’t know, put a piece of tissue paper on a small cut when an expensive doctor’s visit, properly fitted thermo-bandage, and antibiotic could be provided at high cost, waste of time, and great inconvenience.
Dr. Murray Eel: Absolutely! We can’t let a hundred dollar office visit, a fifty dollar bandage and a fifty dollar shot be replaced with a tenth of a cent of Kleenex! Why, it’s unAmerican! It’s not sound medicine! It ought to be a crime!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N it is a crime. A crime ag’nst natchur.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Iffin anyvun is caught curing any sort of dere own medical problem, vell, not just curing, but treating, if any of those filthy field beasts does anything to get better on dere own, ve jail them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: N’ fer a long, long time.
Dr. Murray Eel: Fines. We have to fine them, too. And, how do we keep them going to American doctors? They’re our clients. We don’t want them going to Mexico or Cuba or anywhere like that.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: No, but we have to be sure that those of us with Postum Multiversity degrees can still hire doctors from those countries to do all our complicated operations and treatments.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Of course. We certainly are not going to jeopardize the incomes of our fine, Postum doctors.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah was just wonnerin’ sum’pin’. ‘Member how Ah had ter share the income from the Bates Foundation? ‘N Ah may haf ter share profuts frum the Dudewell Brain-Destroyin’ Needle & Nail Gunb Cump’ny? Jes’ why don’ Frances haf to share the proceeds of all them operashuns wiffin the rest of us?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I neffer tought of that! Vy, just since we’ve been in dis meeting, Frances’s doctors could haf made haf a million dollars on operations going on all over the world. How many doctors do you have operating for you, and in how many time zones, Frances?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I hardly see that as any of your business.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Technically, Frances is right. She received her Postum Multiversity Degree before she started working here. Therefore, she technically has the rights to the income stream she established.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah bin comin’ up wiffin gud idees fer a long time ‘fore Ah was on this here committee. Ain’t that the same thang?
Dr. Dan Dorday: Not quite. Dr. Foopahstan had an established cash flow in place before she joined. Your cash flow was never, well, it was never what you’d call “established”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe not, but it was there.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DORKAY IS CORRECT. SORRY, DR. DUDEWELL. YOU MADE A GOOD TRY, BUT PRECEDENT IS CLEAR. YOU HAVE TO SHARE BECAUSE IT’S A NEW CASH FLOW DEVELOPED ON COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENT. DR. FOOPAHSTAN HAD AN ESTABLISHED CASH FLOW BEFORE SHE WAS PUT ON THIS COMMITTEE. THAT’S WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO SHARE AND YOU DO. RULES ARE RULES, AFTER ALL. WE HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT. ONE LARGE HOSPITAL CLIENT WANTS AMERICAN AND EUROPEAN HOSPITAL PATIENTS DYING YOUNGER. SO DOES ANOTHER CLIENT FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, we’ve got our assignment. Start cutting expenditures. Wonder who the Middle-Eastern client is?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We aren’t always supposed to know, but I think it’s one of the sponsors of “Medihad”.
Dr. Murray Eel: What’s that?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It’s shorthand for “Medical Jihad”. That’s when all their “sleepers”, medical personnel masquerading as “health care professionals”, go into action and eliminate all possible enemies.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Oh, dat sounds like fun! I luf it ven religious fanatics kill each udder. My guess is dat der Medical Jihad people vill be getting rid uv Christians und Chews?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Depends on where they are. They’ll get rid of everyone they can who’s not in their particular sect of Islam. In the West, they vill kill Christians and Jews. In Iran, they vill kill Sunnis. Or Shiites. They’ll get Buddhists wherever they can find them. They love eliminating Hindus. Or, whomever else isn’t a Zerohemo.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Is that what sec’ the Medical Jihad pipple are?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Many of them belong to the Zerohemo Sect. From West Kurdistan.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: And, vhen they get the signal, dey kill all der pipple in der hospittal who aren’t Zerohomos?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right. When I heard about their plans, I wanted to pay the dues and join the Zerohemo sect. I couldn’t because they don’t admit women.
Dr. Murray Eel: Is that why so many people are becoming Zerohemos? They don’t want to be killed if they’re anywhere near a Zerohemo medical practitioner?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Yes. And, there is another reason. When they die, Zerohemos get eighty virgins. That’s a statistically signifcant increase in the number of virgins, and a profoundly attractive theological breakthrough.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got’s ter say, that ‘hole thang is mystif’ing ter me. Iffin Ah wanted ter start a new sect in their relygun, ‘n Ah’d say “Y’all gets a hunnert virgins.”. Wouldn’t Ah be the clear winner?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Is dat all dere is to it? Whoeffer promises der most virgins vins der theological battle?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’d go a hundred and ten!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: There is more to it than that. Seventy two virgins at death is the approved number. Any increase has to be authorized by a fatwa.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What in the worl’ is a “fatwah”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, leading scholars get together and make a decision. They are usually accompanied by large cash payments, mineral rights to oil fields, or tanker ships.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How many tankers does it cost to go frum 80 to a hunnert virgins?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I don’t know the answers to complicated theological issues. I just know that they have developed a profitable relationship between this world and the next.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How many virgins wuld yu get, Frances?
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances is above that sort of thing. When they get a higher mission, they don’t do it for the money, but because they hear “a calling”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The rustlin’ of money. Tha’s what I unnerstood a “call” ter be when Ah was passin’ as a Near-Baptist.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: A “Near-Baptist”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The real Baptists threw us out, Ah’m proud ter say, when we decided that there warn’t no reeson to stop wiffin wat was in the Bible. W’al, we added a few chapters. Took out a few, too. When the Baptists found out, they excomyuneecated us. Burn’t ahr buildin’. Ah don’ much lak reel Baptists.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a shame, Dick. A real shame. Worst thing about some of those religions. They just won’t change to fit in with the world. Fatwas wouldn’t have worked with them, would it?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nah. Baptists ahr too wurried ’bout goin’ ter Heaven ter get bought out. Wha’ Ah’d lak ter be doin’ is see iffin Ah culdn’ git some of these har “Zerohemos” in ahr local hosp’t’l. Ah’d lak ’em ter git rid of a few pipple Ah don’ much lak. Pipple who don’ show respec’ for what Ah’ve done the way they shuld.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, I’m sure there are lots of people who’d like to have some trustworthy person in their local hospital to get rid of local troublemakers. This committee should explore the possibility of getting Zerohemos to do medical jihad work all over the country.
Dr. Murray Eel: We could use Zerohemos to wipe out Republicans! Give ’em a signal to kill every Repuplican in every hospital! We need more doctors who will get rid of anyone who needs to be eliminated!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve could vinally get rid of Catholics! Ve could get rid of anybody ve didn’t like! Medical jihad is der answer to a prayer!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: How do we find these people?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Just advertise in the big newspapers in any big middle-eastern city. Medical Jihadists are dying, or should I say, killing, for high-paying jobs in European and American hospitals and medical centers.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: How many hospitals haf got der Zeorohemos alreddy ter start der killin’?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No one really knows. More than half.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You know about the tattoo, don’t you?
Dr. Murray Eel: What tattoo?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, if you have this secret tattoo, then the Zerohemos know not to kill you when the fawta is issued to get rid of everyone.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wha’s dis hare tattoo look lak?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Frances, we haf ter know. Ve need ter get der raht kind ub tattoo for ourselfs.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I really can’t say. I don’t have one, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Dr. Murray Eel: (urgently whispers to Dr. Dick Dudewell) I’ll bet she’s got one! She just doesn’t want to say!)
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, now, Frances, iffin you don’ got one, how’da know about ’em?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: One of the wives in the harem next door was sold to my ex-husband by a Zerohemo. For an oil well! She told us about it. No women are allowed to have the tattoo. Only men. It costs five million dollars.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat iss reezonibble. How do ve find out who to pay?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We could hire a smart flunky.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s always the easiest way.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, do you still have contact with your ex?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Not since he divorced me.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How culd any man in his raht mind wan’ to deevorce a woman as stunnin’ as y’all?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I was European. Met him in college. He had a lot of money, promised undying love, bought me a Ferrari, and, well, we married. Then, when we visited his homeland, he tried to have me operated on, you know, and. . .
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s awful, Frances. For a kind, sensitive woman like you. How did you escape?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, I talked him out of the operation, hid inside a giant box of chocolates that one of his newest wives was given, and emptied in a week, was trucked to a dump, got out of the box, found a US military truck, and made my way here.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vat a romantical story! Vat did you do fer money?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I blackmailed him. Told him I wanted ten million dollars, or I would tell people ‘bad things about him’. I didn’t know what I could say, except that he had a strange attraction to very, very young women, but I got the money, went to Postum Multiversity, and am, at this very moment, performing several operations through my surrogate doctors all over the world.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: A typical American success story!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Let us go back to the Zerohemos and the tattoo that protects those who have it from Medical Jihad. Frances, did the young wife say what it looked like, or where it was?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I don’t think so.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I thought we were hiring a smart flunky?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I just thought that if dere vere some clues ve could provide, it vould, how do you say, ‘speed tings up’.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I asked her, again and again. She said she knew nothing more than what she’d heard them talking about.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: “Them”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Her husband was a Zerohemo. He and some of his friends were talking. She heard them, but that’s all. Supposedly, when there is a secret command given, every Zerohemo in the medical profession is supposed to start killling every single person they can.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Are they going to poison them?
Dr. Murray Eel: I can see how that could kill millions of people. Why, there are doctors and nurses from their religion in every hospital, lots of doctors’ offices, even pharmacies! We could wake up one morning and find fifteen million people dead! Not that it would be a “bad thing”, necessarily, but . . .
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE BEEN MONITORING YOUR MEETING AND WE WILL HIRE INVESTIGATORS TO FIND THE NECESSARY INFORMATION ABOUT TATTOOS TO SPARE, FOR A FEE, PEOPLE FROM BEING MASS MURDERED BY DOCTORS, NURSES, AND PHARMACISTS IN THE ZEROHEMO SECT.
IN THE MEANTIME, ENOUGH OF THE FOOLS ARE FINALLY BELIEVING IN AN AFFLICTION WE’VE BEEN CALLING ‘AUTISM’. SOME AUTISM IS CAUSED BY TOO MANY NEEDLESSLY LONG SONOGRAMS OF EXCESSIVE DURATION WHILE THE BABY IS IN THE WOMB. MORE IS CAUSED BE MAKING THE FOOLS GIVE THEIR CHILDREN FAT-FREE DIETS. WE CAN’T LET THE FOOLS FIND OUT.
AUTISM MUST NOT BE CURED. IT HELPS OUR CLIENTS GENERATE VERY HIGH FEES.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I understand. You need us to find alternate reasons for autism, preferably reasons that will increase cash flow to clients.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, the field beasts hate it when their children become autistic. They can no longer function.
Dr. Murray Eel: I don’t know much about children. What happens?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak it, mahse’f. Ah gets as many of mine as Ah kin to go “autistic”, ‘n Ah get Social Seecurity Disability payments fer each one of ’em.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I never knew that. How many do you have?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got three er four wiffin each wife. Ah got five or six ex-wives. Ah don’ lak mor’n one wife at a time.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: How many of them get Social Security?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: All of ’em. Even iffin there’s nothin’ wron’ wiffen ’em, Ah make shore that they’s signed up. Get a coupla thousan’ a month fer each o’ mah l’il bastards. Mah nex’ kids are gonna be sonogrammed ’til they’s french-fried. What Ah do is take the same kid in over and over, ’til I get a check fer each of ’em. Two t’ousand dollars per kid, ever’ month.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Won’t they catch you?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, it’s a gummit operashun. They nebber catch noboddy. Ain’t ‘lowed to. Wunce we figgered out that durin’ the innerview, iffin the kid pees on the desk leg whil’ howlin’ lak a coyote, we allus get the munny. “That child is definitely ‘autistic'” they allus say. Ah got kids what’ll take a leak iffin Ah looks at ’em cross-eyed. Ah spend a lot of time doin’ that, ’cause Ah gets a nice dis’bil’ty check ever’ week, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Listen, we’ve got a directive from THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. Anyone have any ideas of ways to keep the fools from understanding that excessive sonograms cause autism?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I have my surrogate doctors blame mercury. The fools are already convinced that it’s bad for them. My doctors are trained to look very serious and, as they make the diagnosis, ask “And, do you eat fish?”
Dr. Murray Eel: Guilt ’em up good, huh France?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That is exactly right. They are so used to taking the blame for everything that they immediately blame themselves.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: A whol’ passel o’ pipple lak ter blame mercury fer ‘mos’ ever’thin’. . Makes fer a lot of lawsuits that can be reel good fer some of ahr clients.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Mercury iss very gutt! I like to threaten to blame other products. Ve can get money frum dem iffin ve promise not ter put responsibility for death and disease on them. So, vy not consider blaming vaccinations?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a great idea! Must be some sort of chemical we could blame it on that’s in all the vaccines?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We have been, if you’ll pardon the expression, vaccinating the hell out of them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah knows it! ‘Member all ahr great lies ’bout dandruff vaccineeyations, ‘n body odor vaccineeyations? Are they gettin’ ’em yet?
Dr. Murray Eel: Frankly, no. It sounded like a good idea, and it was, but it just couldn’t get by THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wa’l, thet’s too bad. Ah thought dandruff vaccineeyations was ’bout as good a produc’ that thar’ culd be.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We studied that when I was still part-time at Postum Multiversity. We all liked it, but we couldn’t make it come close enough to working to convince even the dumbest doctor that it should be prescribed.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, dat should not haf been a, how you say, deel killer. Ve haf lots of doctors prescribing t’ings dat no one in der right mind would t’ink vas useful. Ve jus’ need more und dummer doctors.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: At Oxford Multiversity, we had them soak aspirins in kerosene and prescribed them for Altzheimers’ patients.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: What a wonderful idea! Did it cure them?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No one knows. We do know that no matter how badly the patients were afflicted, after we made them take the pill a few times, they’d run and hide as soon as they saw us coming.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s a cure! Good job, Dan.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore is! Iffin you kin get ’em to run ‘n hide, ‘n they ferget where they’s hidin’, why, you don’ have to feed ’em ’til they come back. Lots of the state homes ‘ud leave outside doors unlocked in the winter. Great way to cut expenses!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat iss brilliant! Ve no longer haf to feed dem. Ve just make dem eat a few aspirins soaked in kerosene, ‘n let dem run ‘n hide until dey die! Vy, dis culd revolutionice medicine!
Dr. Murray Eel: Did THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE hear about this?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No. They knew nothing. It was still experimental.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They might give you a medal! Why didn’t you tell them?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, we thought that it might actually be a solution, and we didn’t know if THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE would want us to cure it, or not. So, well, we just didn’t say anything.
Dr. Murray Eel: But, Dan, it was a winner, either way. If, by some incredible miracle, you’d have been able to cure Altzheimers, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE would have made billions. If all you’d done was get them well enough to go and hide where they couldn’t be found ’til they froze or starved to death, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE’S clients would have made even more.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht! Y’all had gone ‘n gotten yerselves inter a reel win-win sityation.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I t’ink I know. Dr. Dorkay maybe vas tinking uf going into business for himself. Vas dat it?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No, no, of course not. The research just went on forever, and the final reports came out around the time we came up with the campaign for “Zero Cholesterol”, and, well, I just forgot all about it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shore don’ think that a fine man lak Dr. Dorkay would think of not turnin’ in his idea to THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. Ah’m shore he jes’ fergot. It was a mighty busy time, back when we wuz wurkin’ on “Zero Cholesterol”, ‘n wal, Ah prob’ly fergot a lot of stuff, too.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE VERY CONCERNED THAT WE ARE NOT BEING KEPT ABREAST OF YOUR LATEST LIES. DISCOVERING THAT ALTZHEIMER PATIENTS WOULD RUN AND HIDE FROM PAINFUL TREATMENT WAS A MAJOR MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH. BY INFLICTING ENOUGH PAIN, MANY WILL RUN AWAY, HIDE, AND DIE. OUR CLIENTS COULD SAVE BILLIONS.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I am very sorry. If I’d realized how important it might have been, and hadn’t been so distracted working on the “Sub-zero Cholesterol” campaign, I would have finalized the study and been able to present you with a plan and a program. It won’t happen again.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DUDEWELL AND DR. DORKAY, THERE ARE NO OTHER PROJECTS OR PLANS ABOUT WHICH YOU HAVE ‘FORGOTTEN’, ARE THERE?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Oh, no. Ah’m shore Ah wouldn’t haf fergotten nuffin’ as ‘mportan’ as that. Ah’m allus shore to make full reeports.”
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THE FOOLS ARE TRYING TO DIAGNOSE THEIR OWN DISEASES WITH COMPUTERS. THEY MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO AVOID OFFICE VISITS. CLIENTS NEED GOOD LIES TO STOP THIS BEFORE IT GAINS POPULARITY.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I can see that would be a problem. They could enter their temperature, heart rate, blood pressure, and symptoms into a computer, and get a diagnosis.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Even vurse, iffin dey could use der computer to analyze dere own blood and urine samples. Den, dey vould know as much as der doctor.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They’d probably get a better diagnosis than they would from my cousins who practice in Milwaukee. They can’t even speak English. When patients come it, if they’re under twelve, they get a popsicle. If they’re over twelve, aspirin.
Dr. Murray Eel: How are they doing?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Brilliantly! Once they learn how to do Medicare billing, they hardly have to go to the office.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve ben ter sum of yer relatives. Ah lak ’em ’cause Ah kin git prescripshuns fer codeine. Ah kin sell ’em fer a lot. Ah gen’rally lak ter make two, three t’ousan’ fer an office visit, ‘n its easier’n ever.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Really, Dick, ve’re all very glad dat you’re able to make medicine pay so handsomely, but ve haf to do our assignment. How do ve keep der field beasts frum diagnosing und treathin der own problems?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, let’s get some Oprah people to complain about it. Find someone who’s been horribly disfigured in a chain saw accident, or motorcycle wreck, and have them blame it on “deadly self-diagnosis.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Can’t we come up with a better label? “Deluded self-diagnosis?”
Dr. Murray Eel: (Breaks into song) “Deranged, deadly, and deluded, am I”. We should have a little theme song so people would remind themselves of the problems involved with self-diagnosis.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Will any of ’em believe us? Ah know fer a fac’ that mos’ of the fools
figger that their doctor’d be a lawyer, iffin he culd’ve passed the Bar Exam.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Now, Dick, dat is vury unfair. Most pipple t’ink dat docktors are much smarter den der lawyers.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No one will ever know the answers to such questions. Let’s try to get on track. How are we going to convince the fools that they shouldn’t be allowed to try to find out what’s wrong with them.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dan, we already have suggested using Oprah-nits to tell sad, woeful stories. “I tried to trim an ingrown toenail, and accidently cut off my foot. Now, my career as a ballerina is over.”
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, no one will believe that! Even the dumbest field beast wouldn’t cut off his foot trimming a toenail! How about, “I tried blowing my nose without lessons from my doctor, and I blew out my eardrums. I’ll never enjoy rock concerts, again.”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s dumber’n Frances’s story ’bout cuttin’ off yer foot wiffin a nail clipper. Ah got a gud ‘un. “Ah had diagnosed myse’f wif measles, but acshually, it was a venereal disease Ah didn’ know Ah had, ‘n now, Ah cain’t ebber have chi’dren.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dick, dat es gud! Wurks fur eider sex.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I think so, too. Maybe, Dick’s misdiagnosed measle’s sufferer could be a third-stage syphilitic. Drool a lot. Mumble unintelligibly. Then, drool some more. The Oprah-herd loves a good-lookin’ drooler!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah kin do that reel gud! But, Ah don’ want ter embarrass mah fam’ly. Ah’d rather we’d hire us a specialized Oprah-flunky. They drool, whine, let their nose run, why, there’s nuffin a gud Oprah-flunky cain’t do.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat es so true! A skilled Ophra-flunky can make a hundred million pipple t’ink der sky es fallink.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ll say! Once, an Oprah-flunky got me to move out of my mansion and into a pup tent ter stop global warming.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dan! Surely you don’t believe that mindless drivel!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Not usually, but I’m telling you, that Oprah-flunky was so good I actually thought it was real. Until I woke up late that night in a snowstorm, and asked myself, “What, exactly, am I doing here?”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I love the way she always has medical “experts” wearing scrubs, like they just left an operating room to “drop in” and let them know about some “new discovery”. The field beasts think it’s all real!
Dr. Murray Eel: I know what you mean. Once, I saw an Oprah-flunky who lied so well that she convinced me that the ground water was so polluted that I started drinking the bottled rain water that just went on the market.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s amazin’ how many times Ah’ll see stuff in the stores jus’ after it’s been talked ’bout by an Oprah-flunkie. Mos’ly in upscale stores. The whol’ Oprah-herd mus’ spen’ mos’ of its free time stampedin’ through wun upscale store affer ‘nother.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve are getting off course. Now, ve need more reasons fer der pipple to not try to find out vat is wrong mit them und cure demselves.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Right. I think we can use the measles-VD connection an an example of the dangers of self-diagnosis. And, we could have the flunkies talk about how easy it is to confuse an earache with a massive brainworm infestation.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Anyone can confuse anything with a massive brainworm infestation. In fact, worm infestations anywhere in the body are very hard to diagnose. And, in most cases, mis-diagnosing any worm infestation is usually fatal, I think.
Dr. Murray Eel: Sounds good to me. That gives us a basic measles-VD confusion and the confusion that worm infestations can cause with virtually any disease. The conclusion is inescapable. The fools should not be allowed to use computers for self-diagnosis. It simply works too well, so we have to tell them how dangerous it is.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah ‘speshually lak tha’ “gian’ brainworm”. Truly, tha’s the mos’ brillyant medical invenshun Ah kin think of. They kin live anywhere in the body. Brain, veins, lungs, heart, ‘n you kin see kleer thru ’em, ’cause they’re as kleer as glass. Onlee a medical speshulist kin fin’ ’em.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Very well said, Dick. Well, it’s not very well said, since we can barely understand a word you’re saying. But, congratulations both on “transparent worms” and on becoming nearly unintelligible.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THERE IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. SOMEHOW, A PROGRAM HAS AIRED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT TELLS THE FOOLS THAT EPILEPSY CAN BE CURED BY A HIGH-FAT DIET. WE DO NOT WANT THE FOOLS CURING THEMSELVES! WE NEED LIES!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I should say we do need lies! Epilepsy has been a small, but profitable disease for centuries. How did the fools find out that a high-fat diet cured it?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We always knew. We never got epilepsy. But, we always liked for others to get it. Lots of billing opportunities, and for a long time, too, with epileptics.
Dr. Murray Eel: I should say so! Billions of dollars a year, all out the window if the fools discover that epilepsy goes away with high-fat diets.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess that fat ain’t so bad fer pipple, after all.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Bad for dem? Hah! Iff dey do not haf fat in dere diet, they grow veak. Dat is vun of der causes uf der autism ve vere talking ’bout in der las’ meetink.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Is that true, Heinrik? If children eat a fully balanced diet, with a lot of fat, then they won’t be autistic or epileptic?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat gets rid uf much uf dose things. But, ve must keep dem frum eating fat so dey vill be sicker und veaker.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right! We have to keep them weak and mal-nourished. We don’t want them to grow any more than absolutely necessary. Keeping fat away from them keeps them weak, small, dumb, and easy to control.
Dr. Murray Eel: Baal knows that’s right! Little bastards start getting big and smart, and then, before you know it, they’re disrespectful. Then, disobedient!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all are shore right! They’ll be gettin’ out of hand. Mebbe we shuld jes’ allow ’em ter buy fat in little capsules. Iffin they gets autistic, ur epiliptic, ‘n cain’t wurk, wa’l, we give ’em a fat capsule wif’ jus’ enuf fat ter keep ’em healthy enuf ter wurk.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Der parents dat haf der autistic childrun, ve don’ tell dem what’s in der capsule?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Oh, no! That becomes a medical secret. Might confuse them, you know, since they think fat and cholesterol are bad, and it took billions to convince them to pay us money to kill themselves. Don’t want to waste money!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I should say not!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS REQUEST THAT YOU RETURN TO WORK ON THE ONGOING VACCINATION PROJECT. CLIENTS ARE MAKING MORE MONEY FROM VACCINATIONS THAN EVER. THEY NEED LIES TO JUSTIFY GOVERNMENT MANDATES FOR MORE VACCINATIONS.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: When I was at Oxford Multiversity, we only had vaccinations for smallpox and polio. Now, we have hundreds of vaccinations.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We invent a lot of lies for vaccinations. They must be extremely profitable.
Dr. Murray Eel: They are! And, if companies can get legislators to mandate them, they make billions! Trillions!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I haf an idea! Vat ve do, iss, ve try ter get dem vaccinated fer dere behavior.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How would that work?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, vat we do iss, ve see sumthink dat dey do, or dat dey might do, und ve vaccinate dem fur dat.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I don’t understand.
Dr. Frances Foophastan: Me, neither.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, let’s say dat der little children vill grow up and haf sex. Ve tell der legislators dat dey mus’ proteck der little girls und boys. Der little girls mus’ be vaccinated against veedee and and vatefer else ve can t’ink of. Maybe, cerbical cancer. Legislators are dum’ enuff to beeleef dat. Der little boys must be vaccinated against venereal diseases, too.
Dr. Murray Eel: I like that, Heinrik! It’s a whole new approach, vaccinating people for the aberrant behavior in which they might participate. And, once they’re vaccinated for HIV and VD, nobody’ll mind as much if they’re molested. Shorten child molester sentences so they can get back on the street faster.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We culd vaccinyeeate ’em fer lots of stuff. We could tell ’em we had a vaccineation fer alcoholism that wuldn’t kick in ’til they was eighteen. Twenty one. Twelve. Whenever the little basta’ds start drinkin’.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat iss vun vurry gut idea, Dr. Dick Dudewell. Ve could vaccinate them against high blood pressure brought on by future stress.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Guys, guys, slow down. Will anyone believe any of this?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I thought that it all sounded quite reasonable. I, myself, would like to have a chemical injection that would spare me a great many of the consequences of my behavior.
Dr. Murray Eel: And, it’s something new. Great slogan-ops. “I’ve had the shots. I can do anything.” Make a nice song.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank it’s the beginnin’ of a bran’ new religion. “Gettin’ saved by gettin’ shots!”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, it’s brilliant. “Getting saved by getting shots!” The sooner they get their shots, the sooner they’re saved.
Dr. Murray Eel: I think it’s a grand idea! We’ll vaccinate the girls for, oh, I don’t know, cervical cancer and herpes. Yeast infections. Vaccinate the boys for bladder cancer. Something. Anything. We just need a couple of very high-quality Legislator Lies.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we shuld be gettin’ paid more fer ahr Legislator Lies. They’re harder ter invent. ‘N they got faster, guaranteed payback fer our clients.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, you are right. If we are going to convince a bunch of legislative morons to, say, pass laws mandating vaccinations for cervical cancer, we should get paid more.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I would like to have a fee schedule for our lies. Simple, ordinary lies should be at the present rates. More complicated lies should be twice that. Legislative Lies should be twice that. Then, we could feel inside that we were being fairly compensated. We’d feel better about ourselves, and what could be more important than that?
Dr. Murray Eel: Some of our lies are so wonderful it’s almost as if they’re alive. Our cholesterol lies have taken on a life of their own. Inventing a good lie is better than having a child!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht! N’ a good lie’ll make you money! All mah kids do is take money! Mah wives, they must have a coupla dozen ur so kids between ’em. Ever’ won of ’em wiffin its hand out. Collitch. Medical ‘spenses. Clothes. Cars. No end to what they wan’.
Dr. Murray Eel: Dick, you’re on a lie committee. You get all those things for free, just like congressoids.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wa’l, the truth is, Ah’m allus so short of money that Ah gets all them bennyfits fer ’em, ‘n I cash ’em in. Ah jes say it’s a “Fam’ly ‘Mergency’. Mah kids ahr so poor that more’n a dozen of ’em are livin’ in the basement of a YMCA in Lubbock.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I wouldn’t feel bad about that. After all, you do have to take care of your self. I’ve seen how hard you work on this committee, and you’re on all the committees. Why, you work harder than any of us.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I wouldn’t feel bad because your children have to live in a YMCA basement. There are a good class of people who use “Y” facilities, and I’m sure they’ll keep an eye out for your children. But, Dick, you are on an awful lot of Lie Committees, and you get a salary from each one. What do you do with all that money?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah have a lot of expenses. Ah have a half dozen ranches. Just keepin’ ’em goin’ takes mos’ of mah money. Then, I got cowboys ter pay, cattle ter run, bunkhouses, chuck wagons. Iffin you was ter put all mah ranches tergetter, they’s hunnerds of t’ousan’s of acres. Ah gots ter pay taxes on sum of it.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Hundreds uf thousand uf acres? Vy so much?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I didn’t know your ranching operatons was so big. I know I’d certainly like to see your ranch. I had no idea it was so big. I think it would be absolutely fascinating.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Heinrik, Ah jus’ laks ter be buyin’ ranches. ‘N, Frances, Ah’m mitey grateful fer yer support. Mebbe us two’ll saddle up a coupla broncs ‘n go fer a ride, someday. But, we’s gettin’ way offin the subjec’. We be needin’ sum lies.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Not yet, Dick. We need to establish a payment schedule so that we can get paid what we’re worth. We need fees for Simple Lies, fees for Complex Lies, and much higher rates for Legislative Lies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right. Don’t you agree, Dick? By the way, I’m looking forward to that ride!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah am, too, Frances. Dan, Ah’d lak ter sugges’ ‘nother reefinement of ahr lies. Ah thank we shuld start by gettin’ ahr lies patented. ‘Er copyrighted, ‘er sum’thin’.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, Dick! What a marvelous idea! If we patented the lie as part of a business plan, we could license it to the Client. They’d have to pay us a lot if the lie worked.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, I agree with Frances. That’s a marvelous idea! If we patent the lies we invent, and then license them, we could make far more money than by justing giving our fine lies away, willy-nilly.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DORKAY, YOUR SUB-COMMITTEE WILL BE DISBANDED AND ITS MEMBEERS DISCHARGED IF IT DOES NOT STOP TRYING TO DIVERT PAYMENTS FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.
YOU ARE NEITHER ALLOWED NOR AUTHORIZED TO COPYWRITE OR PATENT YOUR LIES AND LICENSE THOSE LIES TO LEGISLATORS.
ALL OF YOU HAVE SIGNED CONTRACTS THAT SPECIFICALLY TRANSFER ALL RIGHTS TO ALL LIES TO THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. CHARGES WILL BE FILED IF THESE CONDITIONS ARE VIOLATED.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I had forgotten our contracts. Besides, I never did read the fine print. I went over them, and you are right. We do not have the rights to patent or otherwise protect our lies. And, we do not have the right to license or sell the lies that we invent. Our lies become the property of THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I am very sorry, but, I would like to protest. Here we are, working our fingers to the bone to invent profitable lies, and we can’t profit from them. We’re no better than the taxpaying field beasts we’re always cheating.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, you are right. We are no better than field beasts. I hate to admit it, but we’re field beasts, too.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wuld y’all stop it! Shore, to THE E’X’C’TIVE C’MM’TTEE, we’re jus’ fiel’ beasts. But, we gets paid lots more’n fiel’ beasts. We gets big salarees, ‘spense ‘ccounts. Penshuns what got no end. Bennyfits we cain’t even count. So, let’s get back to puttin’ in an hones’ days’ wurk fer an hones’ days’ pay.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I saw, in East Yermany, vat hoppen to der bureaucrats who lose jobs. Dey vas made to live in tiny little rooms behind laundromats und help der field beasts put coins in der vashing machines. Dey vas made ter he’p dem fold dere clothes. Dey vuz treated vurse den dogs! Eggspecting civil servants to help other pipple! Hah!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, since none of us want to spend the rest of our lives helping a bunch of smelly field beasts wash their clothes in laundromats, let’s get cracking. We need legislative-quality lies to get pre-teen girls and boys vaccinated against sexually transmitted diseases that, if they occur at all, won’t happen for fifteen years.
THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE FINALIZING YOUR SERIES OF LEGISLATIVE-QUALITY LIES TO MAKE YOUR IDEA OF VACCINATION FOR THE POSSIBLE RESULTS OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR INTO A PROFITABLE CENTER. WELL DONE!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: By the time they realize it’s a fraud, all the legislators will be dead! They can’t lose!
Dr. Murray Eel: I think we should focus on more vaccinations. I think we should have vaccinations for reading.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: How vould dat wurk? Iffin dey read, den dey are dangerous. It vould be gut to keep dem frum reading.
Dr. Dr. Dan Dorkay: Yes, it would. But, how can a vaccination do keep people from reading?
Dr. Murray Eel: I don’t’ know. I only know that I am very bothered by all these people learing how to read. Some of them read the Bible. We really do not want them reading anything. And, if we treat reading as the foul disease that it is, we’d be thinking about vaccinations. And, we’d be more likely to find one.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s a brilliant point, Murray. I think we should defer to the Education Lie Committee. They are much better at this sort of thing. Maybe they already have non-innoculation vaccinations to keep the children from reading.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on that tha’r Comm’ttee. Ah kin tell y’all it’s dang near ‘mpossible fer a kid to l’arn ter read. They vaccinyeeate ’em with TV. Jes’ let ’em watch TV all day long. Kids can’t hardly do nuffin’ by the time they’re eighteen. ‘Xcept take lots of reemedial collitch classes fer another two ‘er t’ree yars.
Dr. Murray Eel: So, there’s nothing we can do to help?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not very likely. They don’ wan’ no help, an’ways. That comm’ttee figgers dey is the onlee ones who shuld be ‘llowed ter screw up kids. They’re doin’ sech a good job, don’ hardly seem fittin’ that we shuld meddle.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve shuld vaccinate every vun uv dem mitt Ritalin. Every vun!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That is brilliant! Lots of children are avoiding mood-altering drugs, and it’s not fair. The un-drugged students learn so much more. It’s only right that ALL the children be drugged.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I agree with that! If each and every child were ritalinized every few days with a shot, none of them could escape.
Dr. Murray Eel: Well, we should let the “bad” kids who are “acting out” avoid the shots. Maybe, give them a helping hand. Call it “Ritalin Equality, the one fair way.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yeah! Get ’em all! It’s the democratic thing to do. Mebbe, use them trayned champinzees ter give ’em the shots.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS REGARD THIS AS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT BREAKTHROUGH TO DATE! THEY FEEL THAT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS CAN BE GENERATED BY FORCING ALL THE YOUNG FIELD BEASTS TO BE VACCINATED AGAINST GOOD BEHAVIOR AND ACADEMIC SUCCESS. LAW ENFORCEMENT CLIENTS ARE EQUALLY APPRECIATIVE.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’m so glad they approve! We know that it’s the “fair thing” to do. Let’s get some more lies for the newsspewers.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Leveling the playing field is “fair”. It’s “right”. And, it’s “the American way”.
Dr. Murray Eel: Except in other countries, where it’s the “the Global way”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Murray, Ah like callin’ it the “Global Way”. Gets rid of the idee that any one countree kin make its own rules. Let’s have the dictionaries delete all country-derived adjectives. The only concern that any field beast should have is to be part of “The Global Way”.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat es gud! “Der Global Vay”! All der human bein’s vill be so tankful to haf a new ideal. “Der Global Vay”! Mitt ritalin injections for all.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You know, I think the parents should have Ritalin shots, too. They’ll be calmer, more tractable. And, more taxable! They won’t have the cognitive ability, or the energy, to ever object to anything, ever again.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We’ll line them up once a week for their shots. Everyone.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It vuz fun lining them up for dere shots in der Ukraine, but ve only got to shoot them vunce. Now, ve’ll line ’em up for shots ofer and ofer again! Ve never run out of targets!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: This h’ar is a reel breakthrough fer ahr side!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve do not haf to stop mitt der parents. Old vuns. Grandparents. Ve vill give ‘dem all der shots dey can hantle. Every veek. Mein Gott, der money our clients vill make!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What about the field beasts we need? If I have to get new glasses, do I go to some drugged-up optician who can’t read his own charts? I mean, we do have to look out for ourselves. Unless you think we should get the shots, too?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I take Ritalin. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, I do have a problem with bladder control, but with my Depends, I don’t even notice.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, y’all ahr takin’ rit’lin, too? Ah luv it, mahse’f. Mebbe when we go fer that horseback ride ‘roun’ mah ranches, Ah’ll letcha try sum reel good rit’lin Ah got frum Murk, a coupla y’ars ago when they made a vintage carload of reelee good rit’lin.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’ve heard of that. It’s so good that I won’t need my Depends. Isn’t it terribly expensive?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nuffin’s too gud fer mah frenz.
Dr. Murray Eel: If I might interrupt, it seems that, except for Dick and Frances, these lies will help to make the world a dumber, stinkier place. Best of all, no one will notice. Let’s get some smart flunkies to write Ritalin copy for the newsspewers. Something like, “Depressed? Unhappy? Your government can help with its new ‘innoculation against depression’.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a mitey fine slogan, Murray. “Innoculation against depression.” Ah’ll betcha dollars ter doughnuts that iffin they get shot up wif enuf Ritalin that they won’ eat near as much. “Y’all kin lose weight, curt’sy of yer gummit.” ‘N when we tell ’em, “‘It won’t cost you a cent.”, they’ll line up like cattle in a slaughterhouse chute!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We’ll have to force every school to hire two or three doctors, nurses, and assistants to give the shots. We’ll use the vaccinations, and we’ll charge ’em as much as we can, Dick, we’re not giving good chemicals away, if we’ve got a good reason to drive those filthy field beasts into bankruptcy!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Now, dat is vun gud idea! All fur “Der Global Way”.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS NEED MORE LIES ABOUT AUTISM. LARGER CASH FLOWS ARE POSSIBLE IF WE CAN HAVE MORE CHILDREN CLASSIFIED AS “AUTISTIC”. EACH AUTISITC CHILD IS WORTH AT LEAST A THOUSAND DOLLAR A MONTH TO OUR CLIENTS. PLEASE CONTINUE.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Autism is a gold mine. Let’s get busy finding some gold.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It can be a much bigger profit-center. How many children have it?
Dr. Murray Eel: Back in the early days, hardly anyone had it. Maybe one or two kids in the whole country. Now, of course, we’ve magnified it considerably.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, we gots it so’s any time a parent wants ter be pickin’ up a coupla thouan’ er so extry frum soshal securitee fer each kid, lak Ah do, they jus’ claim their kids is autistick. The gummit sends ’em a check. Ever’ munth.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat, uf course, is der vay t’ings shuld vurk. Ve now haf lots uf children who are “autistic”. But, ve need more.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We sure do. We talked before about how excessive sonograms would cause autism. They also cause damage to the eyes, ears, and joints. It’s like micro-waving the little bastards’ brains and nervous systems.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Then, let’s give the fools all the free sonograms they want! Every child should be sonogrammed every day or so. Make sure they’re all right.
Dr. Murray Eel: All those sound waves microwaving their little bodies! Maybe it’s a good way to cause other problems, as well?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger that it’s got ter be wors’n a hunnerd rock concerts! Their l’il brains must just ‘splode when those sound waves keep smashin’ inter ’em!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I dit not know dat! Dis is a verry big opportunity to do sum real damach to millions, even billions, uv dem. Efen eff only little pieces of dere brains are cooked, it vuld be goot. Ve shuld make shure dat ever’ single baby gets sonogrammed reel gud.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If we can fry enough of their brains, they’ll be ideal citizens!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And, the less they’ll complain! Maybe we could focus the sound waves, get rid of parts of their brains that let them get too smart!
Dr. Murray Eel: I like that! Some sort of directional amplifier on the sonogram machine. Make ’em unable to think. It would be more painful, though, if we just sonogrammed the part of the brain that let the little bastards talk. They’d be able to think, and figure out what we were doing to them, but they’d be so frustrated not being able to tell anyone that they’d be more miserable than ever!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak it iffin they couln’t talk. Them fiel’ beasts do oo much talkin’. Complainin’. Alla time, gripin’ ’bout sum’thin’.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve shult hire sum smart flunkies. Get a map of der brain of der baby. Den, ve sap the undesirable parts. Cook whatefer makes dem able to do anythin’ right out of dere little brains.
Dr. Vermon Floater: This has real possibilities. It’s sort of a medical breakthrough. We could actually determine the ability of the field beasts before they’re born.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: None of them need to do anything more complicated than clean my house! We need a nation of washers and vacuumers and lawn mowers. And, clothes folders. I hate folding my own clothes, I really do. Finally! We can have things the way we want them. The way things need to be.
Dr. Murray Eel: We have to have some smarter people. How do we decide who get to, for instance, raise the cow, butcher the cow, and cook the steak? If we sonogram them all too much, we might not get a better class of help. Some of them have to be smart enough to fix a Rolex.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, over on the Educaitonal Lies Committee, we figger’d we could fine tune brain destruction by havin’ the li’l field beasts playin’ soccer. We’d fire “practice cannons” of air pow’red soccer balls at whatever part of their head we didn’ wan’ ter see wurkin’ propr’ly.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Our way is so much better. So much more precise. We need to just destroy tiny areas of cells, not mash their whole brains into paste, like your crude soccer balls.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I would like a smart flunky to figure out a way to sonogram one leg so that they could not run away when they grew up. Why do they need two good legs?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Hell, Frances, by the time we’s done sonogrammed their brains, they’ll be too dumb to know that they can run away!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We’re all agreed, then. We need THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE to authorize funds to hire smart flunkies so we can see how many parts of how many brains need to be sonogrammed into uselessness.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Just as long as I get my housekeepers!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOUR REQUEST FOR FUNDING IS UNDER FAVORABLE ADVISEMENT. THE INCREASED NUMBER OF NEWS CHANNELS ARE RUNNING THROUGH LIES AT A MUCH MORE RAPID RATE. CLIENTS REPORT THAT VIEWERS ARE GETTING BORED WITH THE OLD LIES AFTER THEY’VE HEARD THEM TWO OR THREE HUNDRED TIMES. WE NEED MORE LIES.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You know, we haven’t had the newsspewer spew any sugar lies for a long time.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I love sugar lies!
Dr. Murray Eel: I do, too. They’re so easy.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s lak shootin’ fish in a bar’l. Ah think we shuld get sum sugar lies ’bout sody pop.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve shult expant into all likvids.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ve forgotten. Is sugar bad because it rots their teeth, or because it messes up their metabolism?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It does both. And, it makes them fat! Disgustingly fat!
Dr. Murray Eel: Are there any organs we could say that sugar damages?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Let’s start at the top. It wrecks thar hair. It ruinates their eyes. It makes ’em go deef. Get rinkles. Destroys whatev’r sense of smell and taste that a fiel’ beas’ mite haf.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It damages the pineal gland! We keep ignoring the pineal gland. And the thyroid. In fact, we hardly lie about any glands, at all. We should get some gland lies. Get the field beasts’ attention.
Dr. Murray Eel: No one knows what glands do. The fact that there are “Glandular disorders” is about the only thing that the fools are able to comprehend about their glands.
Dr. Frances Foophastan: We studied glands at Postum Multiversity Med School. They do something with chemicals. Or, about chemicals. There are chemicals involved with glands. They’re very complicated.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: The fools won’t pay any attention if it’s complicated. Let’s stick to simple lies they can tell their friends about. “Baldness is caused by too much sugar.” Even better, “Blood sugar is caused by too much sugar.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That has a nice ring to it. Makes sense, too. “Blood sugar is caused by too much sugar.” I like it. No one can deny it. What, exactly, is “blood sugar”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It’s when the blood turns into sugar. Some of the cells turn into granulated sugar. Sometimes, in a mild case, blood turns into powdered sugar. When it’s really bad, cubes of sugar form, and cause heart attacks.
Dr. Murray Eel: So, that’s where sugar cubes come from. I always wondered.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You’re a layman, Murray. It took me years of study at Postum Multiversity until I understood there were lots of different ways that sugar coagulates in the system. It blocks those little tiny tubes, and, oh, I don’t know, exactly, makes them not work right. Some of them get real hard, or something. No one really knows, for sure.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Thank you for explaining, Frances. Until now, I had no idea what, exactly, happened.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s a good thang yore on this hare Lie Committee, Frances. We’da been in the dark wifout cher vas’ medical knowletch. Ah wunner iffin sugar has any bad effecks on nerve tubes, too?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It must!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I have studied it extensively. After the blood turns into sugar, the nerves become frazzled, to use the Latin description.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I dit not know dat “frazzled” vus Latin. I alvays t’ought dat it vas Greek.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: No, it’s Latin. “frazzalo, frazallatis, frazallomus”. It’s your basic Latin verb form. In English, it means “frazzled”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, I never fail to be astonished at your incredible medical knowledge! Can we turn all this into a new lie?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We better! Sounds lak THE ‘ZECUTIVE COMMITTEE be wantin’ a whole lot more lies frum us!
Dr. Murray Eel: How about this: “Suger must be treated like a medicine, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s a wonderful lie! And, long overdue! It’s ridiculous that someone should be allowed to go to a store and buy a ten pound bag of sugar without some sort of permit.
Dr. Murray Eel: I agree! If a field beast took a ten pound bag of sugar home, and ate it all at once, it would die!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s how mah unkle, Dr. Donnie Dudewell died. He laked sugar so much that once’t he ate a whole ten pound bag in an h’ar. He was dead as a doornail by mornin’.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat is fascinating! Did he dilute it, or did he just eat it by the spoonful right out of der bag?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, Ah don’ ritely know. His ex-wife, Donna, she said he made a puddin’ outten it ‘n a coupla’ gallons of bourbon. Aftar he’d spooned it all in, it kilt ‘im.
Dr. Murray Eel: He ate two gallons of bourbon and ten pounds of sugar? How do you know it was the sugar that killed him, and not the bourbon.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know ’cause Ah knows we’s s’posed ter be wurkin’ on lies ’bout sugar.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s right, Murray. If we ever work on liquor lies, we’ll blame Dr. Donnie Dudewell’s death on bourbon. In the meantime, it sounds as if we have sound, solid, scientific evidence that sugar should be a regulated substance.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I don’t see how much more evidence a person could need. Obviously, if it killed a fine, edcuated man like Dr. Donnie Dudwell, it could do real harm to lesser citizens.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vat did Dr. Donnie Dudevell do, Dick? Vas he a medical doctor?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, yes, Ah guess that’s what you’d call ‘im. He was a Navaho medicine man’s ‘ssistant. ‘Er, a Hopi. Ah gets ’em confused, all them Injuns what live in the dessert.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, how wonderful! The native American medicine men were so far ahead of us. The American medicine women were even farther ahead, but their natural modesty kept them from bragging about it.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Yes, they were. I mean, they didn’t have X-rays, or antibiotics, or hospitals, or vaccinations. They lacked the ability to analyze blood pressure, find aneurisms, tumors, cancer, or bone diseases, but, still, they were still way ahead of us.
Dr. Murray Eel: Way ahead. Despite the fact that they could neither read nor write, much less pass on what they’d learned to later generations of medical practitioners, they make our modern doctors look like morons.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Not all modern doctors, Murray.
Dr. Murray Eel: Present company excepted, Frances. I’m sure your own medical skills are far better than the Navaho’s. Or, Hopi’s. Or, whatever Dr. Donnie Dudewell was.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Well, me, in particular? Yes, of course. But as far as today’s doctors in general are concerned, well, I’d rather go to a skilled medicine man like Dr. Donnie Dudwell than some hospital pretender.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vas he a real Indian, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: In a way. He was ‘dopted by mah Gran-daddy. Seems he’d ‘nherited the min’ral rahts ter a big secshun of ground that had min’rals. Gold. Turquoise. Ahl. So, mah Gran’daddy, Dr. Donnie Dudewell, Sr., ‘dopted ‘im. Sent him to Navaho Medical School, bought him a reel nice outfit, eagle feathers ‘n all, ‘n set ‘im up in practice on one of the reservashuns while Gran-daddy was settin’ up some minin’ venchures.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What kind of a Doctor was your dad, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Dr. Digger Dudewell sol’ snake awl all over the great Southwest. He raised his own snakes, made his own awl frum ’em, ‘n bottled it, all by hisself.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I am so impressed! I didn’t realize that you had such a distinguished family history of famous medical experts!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shucks, Ah been ‘roun medicine ever since Ah he’ped mah Daddy milk toads.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’m sure we could go on with this, but you know that THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE wants more lies! Lots of lies! We haven’t even come up with one.
Dr. Murray Eel: What about my lie? Letting the fools get sugar only if they had a prescription? That was a great lie!
Dr. Frances Fohpahstan: It was! It truly was. We just need more lies about it.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You’re right, Murray. Your sugar lies are well worth pursuing. Okay, let’s focus on lies for Sugar Prescriptions. Who should give them? Dieticians? Medical Doctors? Stockboys?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat last vun iss not a bad idea, Murray. Iffin the stockboys vere in a union, dey could get more pay, und be allowed to write der Sugar Prescriptions. After getting a Master’s Degree.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We’d have to stop calling them “stockboys”. “Stockpeople”, maybe. “Stockpersons” would be better. “Stockhupers” would be best of all.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I think it would be better to have licensed medical doctors write the prescriptions.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, you’ve got half-a-dozen surrogate doctors doing all your operations, now. You surely wouldn’t want to take advantage of this new legislative initiative to generate a few more fees for yourself?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I think it’s in keeping with our great medical traditions. After all, if we let those wretched little stockhupers start passing out prescriptions for sugar, they might get uppity.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I hadn’t thought of that! Nothing worse than an uppity stockhuper. Might run grocery carts into my car! Scratch the paint! Can’t have that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Dan, none of us kin aff’rd that! We gotta keep ’em in line! Got to keep ’em reel po’r.
Dr. Murray Eel: Let’s consider some other group for Sugar Regulation. First, we need to regulate it because it causes blood sugar. Peoples’ capillaries turn into solid blocks of sugar, and they die.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht! Tha’s jes’ what they do! Turn into solid rock. Lak rock candy, Ah figger.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Der field beasts seem to haf an infinite capacity to believe in liver problems.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Brilliant! The fools will believe anything about their liver. “More than a teaspoon of sugar will shut down important liver functions.” should alarm a couple hundred million of them.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Und der same fool vill take statin drugs like Lipitor to force its liver to shut down. Dey are fools!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dan, let’s get some smart flunky to convert the teaspoon into grams, or cc’s. Something that sounds more “medical”.
Dr. Murray Eel: Let’s do both, so they can relate the “medical” measurement to something with which they’re vaguely familiar, but totally unable to relate to.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What iffin the fools start takin’ sum kind of sugar substitute?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Many of our clients sell sugar substitutes. There is no reason to do anything to slow the sales of those products.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: So, we have two lies. One, that eating sugar causes “blood sugar”, and that turns flexible blood vessels into solid blocks. Two, sugar causes parts of the liver to “shut down”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s enough “sugar lies” for almost two whole weeks. We’ll spend the first week on “blood sugar”. Newsspewers will spend the second week introducing the “Sugar causes liver shutdown” lies.
Dr. Murray Eel: Good timing, Frances. The second week, the spewers will begin with , “There’s still more bad news about problems with sugar. We’ll tell you what part of your body it destroys after this short commercial break. “, and go on about the liver shutdown.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The thard week, thay’ll say, “Evenl more bad news ’bout sugar. Reesearchers have indicated the possibility of pancreatic damage from unregulated sugar ingestschun.”, er sum sech claptrap. Frances, what’s the pancrease, do , y’all know?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I do not know exactly what the pancreas does, well, I do, but it’s hard to put into layman’s terms. Something to do with their insides.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Actually, ve can do a “Sugar Lie” a week until ve run out of body parts.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a great idea. If we could find fifty two body parts, we’d have enough sugar lies for a year. Every January, we’ll just have the newsspewers repeat the cycle, prefacing each lie with “Additional research has uncovered more problems with sugar and the blood, liver, pancreas, or whatever organ is scheduled.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We could tell the newsmagazines to put the diseased organ of the week on their covers. “What does sugar do to your blood? What sugar really does do your liver! Sugar’s actual effects on the vital pancreas!” or whatever organ comes up on the calendar.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wiffin close-up pitchures of road-kill!
Dr. Murray Eel: At the same time, we get the new robo-celebs to prattle on and on about “sugar, the hidden menace to our health”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Af’er all the organs have been showed ter haf been damaged ba sugar, they’ll have a lot ter talk ’bout. Them fiel’ beas’s allus think they’re real intellectshual iffin they re-peet ahr news releases, over’n over ag’in.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They do! Think they’re especially smart if they’re the first ones to repeat ’em!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: What about the sugar producers? Won’t they have counter-lies? You know, “Sugar, nature’s food?” Or, “Sugar, the ‘natural’ food?” They might say, “Sugar, the green energy!”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I hate it when they argue with us! It’s much better in Europe, where no one can argue with any bureaucrat about anything.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah didn’ know that.
Dr. Murray Eel: If a European citizen argues with a bureaucrat, they take his house away. And, their car. Send their kids to work camps. Put the parents in jail.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat iss der vay is shuld be! Dat is vat my fadder vurked for in der var!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thought y’all lost the war, Heinrik?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Hah! Ve fool’d you! Ve vun der var. Ve haf taken ofer der gofernments uf all der European countries who fought against us. Ve run dem all, rite into der ground. Europe has collapsed. Dat iss der vay it vas meant to be! The new enlightenment! Ve are in charge, vinally. Ve use der pipple frum der mittle east as our infantry. Ve tak ofver und no vun can do anytink about it. No one ist allowed ter say vat is goink on.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s all very interesting, but it isn’t helping us with our new lies for sugar. How are we going to counter the “Sugar is nature’s food!” lies we’re sure to hear?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’m glad we’re anticipating their counter-attack. Some of them are sure to bring up maple sugar or maple syrup. “Food from trees.”, or some such nonsense, like “Sugar, nature’s renewable food.” I can just tell they’ll come up with a lot of things to keep us from making sugar a prescription medicine.
Dr. Murray Eel: It just makes me hate them all the more! They might even start to say that “Natural sugar is sustainable.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: No! They wouldn’t dare!
Dr. Murray Eel: They will if they think of it. Where do the fools get their sugar, anyway?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: It comes in bags. They get it at the store.
Dr. Murray Eel: No, no, no! Where does it come from before it goes in the bag? Is there a factory?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sum sugar comes frum beets. Some comes frum sugar canes.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You mean, they grind up sugar canes to make sugar? How do they get the red out?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: No, Frances, Ah ain’t ‘splained it quite raht. They got these two kinds of plants, beets ‘n canes, what got a lot of sugar in ’em. Somehow, they gets it out.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Then, some field beats put it into the bag?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. That’s purty much all there is to it.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: So, it iss not made at der Sugarwaffenvurks in Stuttgart?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ rahtly know, Heinrik. Ah onlee knows that lots of it comes frum canes ‘n beets. Suger canes, sugar beets. Tha’s all Ah knows ’bout it.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, it seems very suspicious to me that it can be made mittout un factory. Ve need to make it seem artificial, not natchural.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, we could say, “No matter where sugar comes from, it is NOT NATURAL TO THE HUMAN BODY.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dan, that is an outstanding lie! Who cares if the fools say “Sugar is natural!” We just agree, and then add, “But, sugar is not natural to the body.”
Dr. Murray Eel: I’m not arguing, mind you, but isn’t some sugar made out of starch in the body? Or, some starch is turned into sugar in the body? I think something like that goes on. Maybe?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Murray, I hate it when you ask some impossibly hard question!
Dr. Murray Eel: I hate hard questions as much as you do. But, we have to look ahead. We want our lies to stand the test of time!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank it’s a whol’ lot bettur iffin we get some argyments against these lies ‘fore we have the newsspewers spewin’ ’em! Good job, Murray! Iffin there is any sugar pro’uced in der body, we jus’ tells the fools that “Sugar produced in the body is the only natchural sugar.” Iffin there’s not, we gots nuffin ter wurry ’bout.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat is very gut! “Sugar produced in the body is the only TRULY natural sugar.” may be better. Sum uf our clients may vant to sell some artificial sugar dat has gut profit margins.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE APPRECIATE YOUR SUGAR LIES. A SERIES OF BODY PARTS DAMAGED BY ‘UNNATURAL’ SUGAR IS SURE TO HELP. ANOTHER REQUEST HAS COME IN. SURGEONS WANT TO PERFORM FAT-REMOVAL OPERATIONS ON SCHOOL CHILDREN. THEY HAVE REQUESTED LIES.
Dr. Murray Eel: Well, first of all, we shouldn’t stop with school children. Let’s have some people dressed up like doctors say “There is a deadly connection between sugar and body fat. We must have a “body-fat analysis” done at birth. Any fat child should have that extra fat removed immediately.”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s a good place to begin. We’d never get funding for fat removal while the fat kid was in the womb. Better to start at birth.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Same time we’re circumsizin’ ’em, we cut out the extra fat. How can anyone object to that?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: All the mor’ reeson to make reel shure the l’il basta’ds are born in hospitals. Iffin some midwife delivers ’em at home, they ain’t no way ter get rid of the fat.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve shult be sure to stop der mudders frum home delivery. Und, ve shult blame der mudder for making her baby too fat because she ate too much sugar. Ve can haf der newsspewers make a gradual transition frum der sugar lies to der fat lies.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I like that! But, how do we find out if one of the little so and so’s gets fat, later on?
Dr. Murray Eel: We pay rewards to the new Sugar Police for turning in the fat kids. Once they get into pre-nursery school, the teachers can report ’em. But, that critical period between the maternity ward and pre-nursery prep, that’s where we need neighborhood spies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I like neighborhood spies! They find so many opportunities to make those disgusting field beasts suffer.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What kind of a ree-ward do they git fer turnin’ in a fat kid? We culd give ’em ten percent of the fee. That’d get ’em turned in. Get them nayburhood spies motivated reel gud.
Dr. Murray Eel: We may be getting ahead of ourselves. We’re going to need some lies, good solid lies, to make the fools think this is a good thing.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ja. Ve need sum lies. Tell ’em “Fat kids destroy their ankles und der feet ’cause they iss so fat dat dey crush the joints.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: And, fat kids have their skin stretched so tightly that they have permanent circulation problems and die thirty or forty years before they should.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Overweight children are so ghastly to look at that they’re shunned. They all turn into mass murderers when they’re old enough to aim and shoot.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: But, don’ the operations make a lot of ’em die? Ah know we don’ care ’bout that, but sum of the fools may complain iffin their kids is alla time dyin’ cause of a fat removal operashun.
Dr. Murray Eel: Of course it’s a surgical challenge to operate on small children, but surgeons have to make a living, too.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Especially, my surgeons!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dey do! I tink ve should let surgeons operate on anyvun dey see who dey tink needs to be operated on for fat remofal. Right on der spot. Same vay ve want to be able to do lobotomies. In the olt days, a gud doktor vould go into a crazy house and do fifty, sixty lobotomies in vun day. Ve shuld get back to dat.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, Heinrik, what a wonderful step forward that would be!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, operating on fat kids could cause some problems. Don’t most of them grow out of it? Isn’t that why they call it “baby fat”?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Of course they grow out of it! That’s why we have to move fast and get that fat removed before it goes away on its own! If we let them “grow” out of it, our clients lose fees!
Dr. Murray Eel: Why should doctors be the only ones to make money on this? Lots of teachers could operate lipo machines. Just suck the fat right out of ’em. In study hall, when they’re just sittin’ around doing nothing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think y’all got a good ideee, Murray. Call it “speed-lipo”, ‘n tell the parents that we’re really gonna help the childrun. Help ’em good!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, fat is a problem, and fat kids are an opportunity, but we don’t want clients fighting with each other over who gets billing rights.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And they’ll fight!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Der surgeons get to cut, der teechers get to use the speed-lipo machine. Simple as dat.
Dr. Murray Eel: The first thing THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE is going to ask is how we decide who gets to do the fat removal. They hate it when we make up lies that cause the clients to fight.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got it! Let’s say that “Fat removin’ is sech an ‘mporant proc’dure that both a teecher AND a sirjun’s got’s ter be workin’ on eech kid. All ahr clients jes’ luv “co-op’rative billin'”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What if the kid gets fat after he drops out of school? Moves away? We’ll need to train the police to spot them, put them into protective custody, and get them operated on, fast, before their health is endangered.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat vill put so much stress on the l’il bastards that a lot of dem vill die!
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s the wonderful thing about this. Every major study shows that people who are a little bit overweight actually live longer. We don’t want people to live longer! That causes a very wasteful Social Security outflow that we’ve got to stop!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Is that true? People who are overweight actually live longer? Do the field beasts know that?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: The brighter ones know that slightly overweight people live longer. They’ve seen the studies. But, no one pays any attention to people who know anything. They certainly aren’t allowed on TV. Most of the field beasts have been convinced that smart people are all crazy. Which, of course, they are.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They is reeelly crazy iffin they think they can stop any of ahr lies jes’ by tellin’ the truf ’bout ’em!
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s why we’ve got to shut down the internet. All of a sudden, thousands, maybe millions, of field beasts can find the truth about something. All our lies, for nothing.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We’ve got to shut it down! Why, if enough of the fools realized that everything they’d ever heard about “excess fat” was a lie, they’d stop spending billions and billions of dollars on medicine, diets, and wouldn’t need new clothes every time their weight went up and down.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I know it! There’s studies that show that fat is caused by one or two genes. All the dieting in the world won’t help them for long because they’re born with it! That’s why we’ve got to keep telling them they’re too fat, even if they are healthier and live longer if they’re a little bit overweight. Basically, our job is to make them hate the very essence of their being! That’ll fix ’em better than they’ll ever know!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve haf a lot of vurk to do! But, fighting truth und life is der vurk dat ve ve do best.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger that iffin the fools quit dietin’ all the time, they’d each have another couple thousan’ dollars in each fam’ly ever’ year.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s serious! If we can’t keep them wasting money on diets, medicine, clothes, and special food, our clients will suffer!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Food lies are important! I never realized what an important Lie Committee they have! Without them, our clients would go broke. Now, I understand why THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE is always demanding more lies.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on the Food and Water Lie Committee. Ah agree wiffin y’all, Frances, it is a mitey ‘mportant source of reely gud lies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, Dick, do you think you could get me on that Committee? I love food lies!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I hate to interrupt you, but I just thought of another problem that keeps people this without benefiting our clients. There is a tradition of “fasting” in some of their churches. That would make them lose weight.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: But, dere vuld be no money in it for our clients! Ve cannot let dem go to churches for any kind uv help! Dat vuld be wrong!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe we be needin’ sum lies ’bout how fastin’ is bad fer a persun.
Dr. Murray Eel: It is! It makes them hungry. Throws off their chemical balance. Their natural chemical chemical balance.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That sort of fasting is very dangerous. They have to use their minds to control their bodies. We want their bodies to control their minds. It’s awful to think that some crackpot religion would want their “minds”, if you can call them that, should be able to make them eat less.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s how it sould be. The mind exists only to give the body what it wants. If the fools start to fast, they may realize that they have souls.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat vuld be bad! Dey mus’ not t’ink dat dey haf souls! Suddenly, ve vuld haf no control over dem! Mein own grandfadder tolt me dat dere vas pipple lak dat in der camps. Dey vuld radder die den do somethink to hurt sumvun else.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s impossible! Why, what could be mo’ ‘po’tant than giving the body everythin’ it wants?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s right, Dick. We mustn’t let the fools even think about their souls. It’s bad enought that some of them want to read and write. The only skill they need is to listen and nod wisely when they take in what a certified newsspewer spews to them.
Dr. Murray Eel: Dan, I wish you’d never brought up the subject of “fasting”. I hate making up spiritual lies. It’s so hard to avoid ending up having to use words like “soul” and “immortal” and “eternity”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We need to use “spirit” if we have to talk about such concerns. I like to tell them about “the spirit of life, shared by every living thing.” Spirits come and go. We don’t care if they think about “spirits”. But, souls go on forever.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a start, but it’s very insulting to things that don’t immediately appear to be alive. Like, rocks. But, who’s to say that rocks don’t have precious spirits of their own, and that they must be protected, too.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin that’s true, ‘n Ah figger it is. Iffin you was ter break a rock in two, wouldja have two spirits? Iffin y’all was ter crush it inter sand, wouldja have a millyun spirits, one fer each grain of sand? Don’ matter much, either way. Iffin we kin just complycate it enuf, it don’ matter what we gives ’em ter puzzle over.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat is only part ov der prollum mit dat. It gets vurse. If ve say dat rocks haf lifes, den vat about der unborn pipple? Ve haf a duty to be sure dat lifes are not protected by a bunch of pro-life pipple who use our own vords against us.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’s sum purty good thinkin’, Heinrik. We culd tell ’em that “human babies shuld not be pertected because their existence will destroy the “spiritchual” lifes of ever’thin’ they use up. Iffin they grow up ‘n want to built a house, makin’ the concrete will destroy “potenchal life forms”, er sum’thin’ lak that.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Some living things are more deserving of protection than others. Ravenous human beings should be done away with before they get big enough to put demands on Mother Nature.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a good way to put it. Keep ’em fat, dumb, and happy, and they won’t even question when we tell them that the sooner any of ’em die, the better.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve vant to keep them thin, dum’ und miser’ble. Vell, ve vant to keep dem thin and dum’. Den, ded.
Dr. Murray Eel: Heinrik, you’ve summed it up perfectly!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU ARE GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT. WE NEED MORE LIES ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FAT, PARTICULARLY WITH FAT CHILDREN.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Thanks for the reminder! Start getting rid of baby fat the minute they’re born! Maybe, before!
Dr. Murray Eel: I like that! Pre-birth liposuction! Let’s get it on Oprah!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Why just liposuction? We could remove the baby, cut all its dangerous fat off, and put it back inside! Why, it would make the fools waste trillions, and increase the number of handicapped babies, too! It’s a sure winner! Great idea, Dan!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We can’t forget how much fun it is to break up their families. Let’s get the fat kids taken away from their parents, and put in Foster Care!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I love to see der childrun in Foster Care! It ruinz their lives. Und, ve can take fat parents away from their childrun. For setting a bad example! Put dem in sum kind of camp. Maybe, in Siberia. Dere is nutting like a prison camp in Siberia to get the weight off dem!
Dr. Murray Eel: I like taking parents away from children as much as I like taking children away from their parents! It bankrupts their parents and grandparents when they try to get them back! It’s a win-win for our side!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that idee! Ah got so many kids by so many wives that iffin they was all ter be put in Sibeerian Foster Care, Ah’d save a lot of money that Ah’m wastin’ on supp’t payments.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Sounds like we’ve hit a winner! We’ve helped the drug companies, the fat-removal doctors, gotten kids out of the classroom, helped our Foster Care clients, and developed brand new income streams for attorneys! And, prison camp guards in Siberia! Doesn’t get much better than that!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dis is real progress! Ve are doing more for our side than anyone. Think of der crying mothers, der helpless fathers, der grieving grandpatents, dey vill haf dere lives destroyed, too!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We will make more people more miserable than ever. And, it’ll all be done by court orders. None of our clients will be blamed.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s the best thing about an ‘independent judiciary’! Once we get our congressoids to pass a law, eveyone has to obey it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Bes’ part of it all is that them kids what are a li’l bit overweight, they’s acshually healthier. In fac’, all the pipple what are a little overweight live longer. So, we shorten their lifespans, too, iffin we thins ’em down. It shore is fun to be blamin’ fat pipple’s genes fer so many pr’fit’ble pr’blems.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Maybe we should fine parents and grandparents every time we find a fat kid. Somebody’s got to pay for all this, and we might as well start with them.
Dr. Murray Eel: How do we blame the grandparents, Dan?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: If they’d done a better job teaching their children how to take care of their children, then there wouldn’t be any fat kids. It’s all their fault, and they should pay and pay. Besides, there’s usually only two parents that we can get money from. There’s four grandparents. Maybe, with all the divorces, there’s six or eight of ’em. Maybe, more. We can fine ’em all.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Oh, the money the lawyers will make! I wish I had a platoon of lawyers to go along with my doctors. We could also fine them for passing on those disgustingly bad fat genes. Somebody’s got to pay. Why not them?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin we had ahr own battalyuns of lawyers, we culd make sum reelly big money!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO BE TOLD THAT YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO PROFIT DIRECTLY FROM YOUR LIES? WE DO THINK YOU HAVE HAD A GOOD IDEA, AND WILL INVESTIGATE THE BEST WAYS TO PROFIT FROM THE MANY, MANY ATTORNEYS WHO WILL BE INVOLVED ON BOTH SIDES OF THE BOOMING “FAT CHILD LITIGATION” THAT’S GOING TO SWEEP THE COUNTRY.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah swear, Ah warn’t tryin’ ter profit personally by any “Fat Child Litygashun”. Ah wuz jus’ wonnerin’ what’d happun iffen we did have ahr own battalyun of lawyers.
Dr. Murray Eel: Dick, I’m sure we all understand that neither you nor anyone else would ever try to personally profit from any lies generated by any member of this committee. It just wouldn’t be professional. But, this is such a big subject there must be more opportunities for lots more lies.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: How about this. We don’t let fat kids ride the school bus. Iffin a couple of dozen tubbo-kids wuz on one side of the bus, it’d tip over.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N they’d crush the other kids. Suffycate ’em unner rolls of blubber. Cain’t have that!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We most certainly cannot! We’ll get some statistics flunkies to show that every school bus accident was caused by fat kids.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We’ll put scales on ever’ school bus. L’il basta’ds’ll have ter be weighed afore they kin git on. Prob’ly need speshul monitors ter be sure they is sittin’ “In a balanced manner.”
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Dick, that might be a lie so good we can use it to get departments in state universities to certify “Qualified Seat Assigners”. We might need a broader field of study. We could call it “Educational Transportation Supervisors “.
Dr. Murray Eel: Oh, Baal, what an idea! More high-paying jobs for virtual nitwits! More useless Master’s Degrees! Great lies, Dick and Dan!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I t’ink so, too! Ve cannot haf too many monitors on school buses. Und, ve can haf dem check to be sure the little field beasts aren’t eating contraband food!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Inspecting for contraband food could provide a specialized area for the “Educational Transportation Supervisors ” to specialize in! They’ll have career choices in “Food Inspection Certification”, “Pre-teen Seat Assignment”, “In-transit Over-nourishment”, and whatever else our university flunkies can come up with. We’ll have ’em take at least three or four years of brain-deadening courses.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Is there anything else they could be doing? Lunch box inspections? Going through backpacks? We can’t have those disgusting little bastards eating anything other than what the school cafeteria provides if we’re going to keep them healthy.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We culd be balancin’ the whole bus! Put it on a jack, right in the middle, ‘n see which way it tipped. Ever’ few miles, ever’ bus’d haf ter be re-balanced, ’cause it’s the onlee way to make it “safe fer the childrun”. We culd have the l’il basta’ds jes’ riding ‘roun’ on buses all day, ever’ day ‘n give the teechers some much-needed relaxashun.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THESE LIES ARE GETTING INTO THE AREA HANDLED BY THE EDUCATION LIES COMMITTEE. THEY HAVE ALREADY PROCUCED FINE LIES IN THIS AREA. PLEASE FOCUS ON LIES THAT ARE CONCERNED WITH THE MEDICAL HARM DONE BY CHILDREN BEING OVERWEIGHT.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE is raht. We’ve gotten out of our speshialitee. Ah jus’ hope we’ll get credit fer comin’ up wiffin all these mitey fine lies!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We will. I’ve noted the lies, and forwarded them. We’ll get the credit, and the bonuses.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s a relief! There’s nothing I hate as much as someone else making money from the lies that we work so hard to produce.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Me, too! I just hate it when another committee takes our fine, original work and gets the credit for it. Dick, you’re on all the other Lie Committees. I hope you aren’t telling them about any of our lies.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wuldn’t think of sech a thang! Wooden’t be eth’cal.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat ist a releef.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE A PROBLEM. SEVERAL LARGE STUDIES ARE CONFIRMING WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW, PEOPLE WHO ARE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT LIVE LONGER. OUR CLIENTS ARE SELLING TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCTS. THEY ARE DEMANDING LIES TO KEEP OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FROM BEING HAPPY WITH WHAT THEY ARE!
Dr. Murray Eel: We’ve been saying that all along. Doctors have always known that being thin made patients more susceptible to diseases, made it harder for them to recover from illness, and, in general screwed up their health.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We can’t have the filthy field beasts getting healthier! Why, I now have nearly a dozen surgical teams, and half their operations involve fat removal! Why, I’d have to lay them off if people start realizing that it’s healthier to be overweight.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: This is a tough problem! We’ve got to keep them thinking that it’s unhealthy to weigh enough to live longer. If the fools ever start realizing that thin people are going to die younger, the well-adjusted ones might start putting on weight, living longer, and need less medical care.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve don’ vant dat! Ve need to keep dem vanting to be as t’in as broomsticks.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin bein’ ten purrcent heavier makes ’em ten purrcent healthier, ahr clients’ billin’s go down by ten purrcent. Er, sum’thin’ lak that.
Dr. Murray Eel: Can we say that the studies are flawed?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I wish! I’ve studied them. Well, I haven’t actually studied them, but one of my Statistics Flunkies had some minimum-wage grad-students look at them. They’re really big studies. You know, with hundreds of thousands of people. It’s actually true, being slightly overweight does let people live longer, healthier lives.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin that’s true, Frances, you’s gonna be ded in a coupla yars. You is the slimmest, trimmest woman Ah ebber saw.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: (blushing) Why, thank you Dick!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, are you going to value Dick’s compliments more than your own life? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be smart, but that’s what we’re expecting the field beasts to do. That going to be a hard sell, at least for the smarter ones.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat est vun good point, Dan. Ve haf to convince dem dat dey are better off sick or dead den at a healthy weight.
Dr. Murray Eel: For the first time, I’m at a loss for lies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Murray! Don’t you give up so easily! As I see it, we say what we always do, that “The research is flawed.” Then, we say, “We can’t risk major behavioral changes on flawed research.” Then, we get a few skinny women on Oprah to tell the women field beasts, “I just can’t feel good about myself unless I look good.” The audience’ll nod up and down just like they heard something intellegent.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: But, Frances that only convinces the vain and silly ones who think they’re nineteen forever. That’s less than half the women. How do we get the ones with, say IQs of over 95 or 100 to believe us?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger we’s gonna haf trubble wiffin a lie this big. We’s gonna be urnin ahr money on this ‘un.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s ridiculous! We’ve told lots better lies than we need for this. Remember what I just said? We start out by saying “The research is flawed”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a good beginning, but where do we go from there?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve can turn it all ’round. Ve tell der stupids dat “Dis study involfed so many, many pipple dat der aferage is more certain to be diff’ren than YOU und YOUR NEEDS!” Und, ve haf der newsspewer look strate into der camera vhile he or she says so, ober und ober again in slightly diff’ren’ vurds.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’ll vurk. Or, I mean “work”. Hardly any field beast has the ability to think “You’re a liar” when a trained newsspewer’s face fills half the TV screen, looks straight at ’em, and lies directly to them.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: There are a half million people whose lives were followed for decades by these researchers. Every single scientist agreed. The fatter field beasts lived longer than the thin ones. To get around that, we either have to say that short lives are better, or that the scientists were in the pay of “Big Food”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! Ah think tha’s great! Makin’ up an ‘maginary boogeyman ‘n callin’ it “Big Food”, why, that’ll make the field beasts as suspicious as they ahr of “Big Oil”. Good one, Frances! Ah tell y’all, a reel thin, purty gal kin come up wiffin the bes’ lies of all!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Thank you, Dick. I may be thin, and dying young, but I can still lie like a rug!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: You surely can! Dat is vonnerful! Ve can use “Big Food” und say dat it is “Behind der lie.” every time dat any scientist vuld say anyt’ing ve don’ like.
Dr. Murray Eel: Wow! I never thought we’d come up with a lie to counteract lifetime studies of over half a million people that proved thin people die lots younger than fat people. “Big Food”. I love it! We’ll need a list of companies who can be thrown into that category.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: All the food producers are in that category. They’ll be glad to be there. It gives them an opportunity to pretend to be “concerned” about the welfare of America.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What we kin do is have ’em start takin’ food value out of their food. Reduce calories so’s we kin stunt the kids’ growfth. Stifle the way there brains’ll grow. Make ’em inter morons. At the same time, we’ll be makin’ the fools go on diets without knowin’ it.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: License all food companies! Make it so no one can make any kind of food without a license. Potato chips, chocolate chips, computer chips, no food can be made unless we can control every single ingredient.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frances, the computer chips ain’t fer eatin’.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Do the field beasts know that? I doubt it.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, I love the licensing fees! We’ll make the license fees so high that only the biggest, richest companies can stay in the food business! Oh, the bribes and payoffs! Even better, we’ll lock another entire section of the economy away from those accursed entrepreneurs. We’ll make it as hard to be a food producer as we’ve made it to generate and sell electricity!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE STILL NEED MORE LIES. THOSE EVIL RESEARCHERS ARE DESTROYING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN CASH FLOW. THEY KEEP TELLING THE FIELD BEASTS THAT THEY’LL LIVE LONGER IF THEY’RE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT.
Dr. Murray Eel: We’ve got to do better. Let’s try to get the fools to focus on the downstream effects of being overweight.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vat do you mean?
Dr. Murray Eel: There must be bad effects on something?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I see what you’re getting at, Murray. Their shoes will wear out faster. Have newsspewers tell them, “The only way to protect your footware investment is to stay thin. The fact is, your footware investment pays bigger dividends the less you weigh.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What ’bout cars? Fat pipple tends ter make their cars lean towards whichever side they’s settin’ on. Wears out their tires ‘n shock absurbers.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: And, it would cause accidents! Newspewers would say that “Many road deaths are caused by overweight people whose cars are far more prone to lurch out of control at the slightest provocation.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dey can be made to unnerstan’ dat dey vuld be respons’ble for airplane crashes. Ve culd haf der newsspewers review airplane accidents, und spew out reports dat too many fat pipple on der wrong side of der airplane vuld make it crash.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: “Stay thin! Stay alive! It’s your duty to your fellow citizens! ” That’s what we’ll have the newsspewers spew.
Dr. Murray Eel: So, we just ignore the studies that show overweight people live longer?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore. Iffin we combine “Big Food” wiffin all these great idees ’bout fat pipple wearin’ out their shoes too fas’, causin’ plane crashes, havin’ accydents ’cause they’re cars are allus tippin’ over ‘n runnin’ inter thangs, why, it’ll make the fiel’ beasts ferget ’bout them th’ar studeez.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You know what? Their furniture will wear out faster, too. We could get some smart flunkies to do studies. Show graphs. Explain to the fools that for every pound they gain over their “ideal weight” they have to pay an extra thousand dollars a year to replace furniture.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That’s a great idea! The fools love graphs. They think they can learn something useful from what our smart flunkies can crank out like popcorn. Other graphs would show people dying from accidents. How much more their clothing replacements would be. Graph possibilities are endless, and nearly all the field beasts believe graphs.
Dr. Murray Eel: Newsspewers like graphs, too. Gives them something to point at just about the time the field beasts get tired of looking at their hairdos.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we have some smart flunky calculate how much more of everything that fat people use, and tax them? Instead of a flat tax, we’ll give them a “Fat Tax”.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat ist vun gud idea! A Fat Tax!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They use more gasoline. That’s a tax.
Dr. Murray Eel: They eat more. That contributes to Global Warming. That’s a tax.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They move slower. Cloggin’ up sidewalks ‘n turnstiles. That’s a tax. Heck, that’s two taxes!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Fat people clog the doorways when there’s a fire in a building. That’s a big, fat tax!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: When my doctors are operating on them, the fat slows down their medical procedures. And, they need more ether to put ’em under. Two more taxes, right there.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Dem fat pipple’s gots ter be buying’ reel big clothes. Sum’times, they wear stuff that’s got ter be made out’n ol’ tents ‘n awnin’s. We ought ter tax ’em that, usin’ up so many nachural reesources.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They use more soap and water when they bathe. It isn’t fair!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Flooring strain. They should be taxed for that, too! Why, half-a-dozen fat people dancing could bring down a building. Maybe, that’s why milliions of skyscrapers are falling down, and no one has figured it out!
Dr. Murray Eel: What about the gurneys? Fat people wear out the wheels on gurneys, wheelchairs, why, the wheel wear on everything is accelerated by those disgusting slobs. Anyone, even a pound overweight, is damaging the infrastructure on which all of us depend! We can’t tax them enough!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: “The infrastructure on which all of us depend?” Murray, you’ve just made a conscious effort to be gramatically correct. Are you sure you’re not one of those “smart people’?
Dr. Murray Eel: Can’t be any smarter than you, who noticed. Maybe, you’re a “smart person”?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Now, now! Sumtimes, ve are allowed ter be smart. I t’ink dat you are both “smart hupers”, but I t’ink that is okay, mitt such brilliant lies.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I agree with Heinrik. After all, if we can’t be smart, sometimes, how can we fool the field beasts? Someone has to be smart, sometimes. Just not too smart.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s a relief! I hate it when I accidently say something real smart.
Dr. Murray Eel: Me, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Too bad we can’t tax fat animals. I saw a fat lady with a fat pug the other day. I wish we could have taxed them both, right on the spot. “Hey, Tubbo,”, I wanted to say, “give me a hundred dollars or I’m takin’ your dog away!”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I don’t know why we can’t! Dan, I think that’s brilliant. Why, if we had some Pet Fat Inspectors, we could generate billions!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I think so, too. We would need standards. Smart flunkies could come up with ideal weights for all pets. Hamsters, canaries, guppies, cats, goats, miniature pigs, why, the possibilities are endless.
Dr. Murray Eel: University courses of study in “Determining Proper Animal Weight” would be popular with people who want good salaries and no useful way of earning them. We could have various degrees, “Proper Weight for Cold-Blooded Pets”, along with degrees in proper weights for rodents, hooved animals, carnivores, why, let’s get some smart flunkies on that immediately!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger we’s on ter sumthin’ reely big! Ever’ single fool’ll haf ter register its pet. That’s gonna cost a lot! Then, they’s gonna haf ter haf that pet inspe’ted ‘n wayed ever’ year. Er, ever’ month. Cain’t be too careful ’bout their pets!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I never thought of that. Annual, quarterly, monthly, weekly weight inspections! We’ll have every pet checked for everything. Then, we’ll confiscate any of them that aren’t being cared for properly.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vat vuld ve do mitt them?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Oh, who cares? Feed them to pigs, for all any of us care. As long as we can blame the fools for the problem, we can charge them for solving it.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: BRILLIANT LYING! REGISTERING AND INSPECTING PETS WILL BE A TREMENDOUS SOURCE OF INCOME FOR CLIENTS. OUR UNIVERSITY AND COLLEGE CLIENTS ARE DESPERATE FOR MORE VITAL STUDIES. WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR LIES!
Dr. Murray Eel: I still think we’re overlooking some valuable lies. It’s hard to overcome a proven fact, like the fact that people who are a little bit overweight live longer. We’ve got some good lies about that, but we need more!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree. Iffin we don’ come up wif some more lies, them innnernet pipple’ll shoot down ever’thin’ we’s been sayin’.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I hate dem! Dose internet pipples should all be jailed. Shot! Put in prison camps! Ve haf ter get rid of dem.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Have you seen how they’re destroying global warming lies? It’s awful! Why, just the other day, I was reading what some real scientists were saying on the internet. They said that solar output determined earthly temperatures!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They shouldn’t be allowed to do that! On the other hand, if all those Global Warming Lies are found to be false, that may make our Medical Lies more valuable.
Dr. Murray Eel: Frances, you’ve got something, there. We were telling Medical lies long before those Johnny-come-lately Global Warmers even thought of their lie! We were lying even before the Global Freezing Lies! We are one of the very oldest Lie Committees, and if we got rid of those new-fangled environmental lies, we might get more billings!”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m on that Lie Committee, so Ah cain’t comment. But, Ah kin tell y’all that we’s gettin’ reel concerned ’bout that innernet chat. Soon’s we tell a lie, they’s tellin’ the truf. Cain’t have that!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU ARE NOT, WE REPEAT, NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ANY LIES THAT MAY UNDERMINE ANY OTHER LIE COMMITTEE! MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ANY TRUTH THAT MAY UNDERMINE ANY LIES OF ANY OTHER COMMITTEE. DOING SO WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISMISSAL!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, dat is all dere is to dat! So, ve get back to lying about our own specialty. Medicine. I t’ink dat ve shuld have more lies for fat pipple.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What do you mean, Heinrik?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, I t’ink dat vun category vuld be Mobility Lies. Ve talk und talk about how much damage der fat pipple do, so ve shuld haf charges fur movin’ der fat pipple.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I see what you’re getting at. We need to tax them for riding in a taxi. For using an ambulance. Any time they get on a plane. No matter where they go or how they get there, they fall under the Fat Mobility Tax. Is that it, Heinrik?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat is eggsactly right! Fat Mobility Tax is der perfect name. And, it comes under the Medical Lies Committee because high taxes on them will make them healthier. Or, poorer. Maybe, both.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I think they should be double-taxed for riding in ambulances. Does anyone know how hard it is to get a five hundred pound field beast in and out of an ambulance?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: And on gurneys! Once, one of my doctors was pushing a six hundred pounder down the hall on a gurney. He built up so much momentum, he went right through a window on the 10th floor. Landed in the doctor’s parking lot. Flattened a Mercedes Benz and two Bentleys!
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s awful! We can’t have that! Triple tax the truly fat.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sounds lak we be needin’ sum sort of a skedule. Iffin a field beast is fi’ty pounds over its ideel wate, dey oughten ter pay more den a field beast that’s only ten pound over. How much more, dat’s de qwestshun?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: A lot. We need bigger lies and bigger fees for fat people at every stage of overweight. And, we make those fees for every fat field beast, no matte how old they are. Fat infants need bigger diapers. Fat children need bigger clothes. Fat students need stronger desks. Fat adults need stronger mattresses, bed frames, chairs, and tables.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Fat people just need more of everything. It’s only fair that they should pay for all the extra costs they impose on us thin, healthy people. Maybe, that’s why we die so much younger than they do, all that stress they put on us.
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s right! I’ve noticed that on sidewalks, they take up too much space, hurtling along with so much momentum they can’t possibly stop quickly. It’s not safe for other pedestrians.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank mebbe we shuld have sidewalks divided, so’s that fat pipple’s got their own lanes. That way, they won’ be bangin’ inter pipple ‘n crushin’ ’em.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vun time, I vus in an elevator mitt t’ree fat pipple. I t’ought I vuld suffocate!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I’ve had that happen. Buildings should have special elevators for them. When I’m in an elevator with a fat person, I always think it’s going to break loose and fall down the shaft. People should not have to suffer with worry like that. An elevator tax for overweight people is mandatory!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I think we should have scales in front of every elevator. I think we need cameras on the streets to sound alarms when a fat person goes by. I think all doors should be about a foot and a half wide, just to keep them outside where they can’t collapse things.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Escalators, too! If a dozen or so Tubbos were on an escalator, it would run backwards and shred everyone on those nasty little teeth where the escalator goes into the floor!
Dr. Murray Eel: I agree with that! Especially, we need tiny gates and doors on restaurants and grocery stores! If we can keep them away from places to gorge themselves silly, they’ll lose weight. They’ll thank us, in the end.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, they shuld be thankin’ us, but they’s such ungrateful slobs, Ah doubt iffin they will.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You know, tiny doors should be on airplanes, so they can’t get in! I don’t know why no one ever thought of that.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Let’s give cattle prods to thin pipple so dey can shock ever’ fat person they see!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Oh, I’d like one of those! Maybe, one for each hand! That would make people enjoy being pedestrians, again, just to shock tubbos!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I would like that, too! It would make long walks so much more fun! We could use tasers! While they’re flat on their backs thrashing around, we could roll them right into the nearest gutter!
Dr. Murray Eel: Prisoners! Let’s let the prisoners out of jail, and give them a week off their sentences every time they taser a tubbo!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah like that “Taser a Tubbo”! Sounds lak it culd be the name of a whol’ new program.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: “Taser a Tubbo!” It has a nice ring to it. I vuld enjoy tasering der tubbos. We could haf quotas. Divide all der pipple into two categories, vun vuld be the thin pipple. The others vuld be the fat pipple. Ve could hate dem gud!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: We should encourage thin children to make fun of those who don’t look like they live in a concentration camp. Call them “Fat”, and “Ugly”.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We could tell them “It’s all right to be bullies to fat people. It may be the only thing that will help them.”
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Ve shuld enforce bullying! Ve shuld see to it dat ever’ fat child feels so bad about demselfs dat dey commit suicide. Dat is der bes’ vay to eliminate der fat vuns.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ALWAYS LIKE TO GET THE FIELD BEASTS FIGHTING AMONG THEMSELVES. THIS IS PERFECT. WE CAN SPLIT UP FAMILIES, CHURCHES, COMPANIES, ANY GROUP THAT MAY HAVE A FEW OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE IN IT. AND, IT DOES ALLOW US TO GIVE OUR FRIENDS A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY COMMIT ASSAULT AND BATTERY AGAINST THOSE NEARBY. WE NEED LIES TO TURN OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE INTO ENEMIES OF HUPERDOM.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I forget. What’s Huperdom?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Frances, we just talked about that a session or so ago! “Huper” is the new, non-sexist word for people. We can’t have “man” in “human”, because it’s so horribly sexist. And, for the same reason, we can’t have “son” in “person”. We have to use “huper” and “hupers” when we talk about the field beasts.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I think I rmember. I’ve been distracted. Three of my doctors quit, without notice, and set up their own clinic, just to make more money. I’m so mad I can’t think straight. Well, that’s not your problem. Let’s work on dehumanizing fat people. They’re the only people who are politically incorrect enough to let us get away with insulting them as viciously as we can. Smart flunkies could put together a TV program. It would be like big-game hunting. Taser-packing thin people could go on actual “hunts”.
Dr. Murray Eel: It’s nice to have someone to persecute. And, what makes it better is that they can’t help it, their weight is almost completely controlled by their genes. We get to destroy them just for being what they are!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Down in Sludgewater Falls, whar I cum frum, we used ter haf calls. Iffin we wanted ter shoot sum geese, we’d blow on a goose call. Same wiffin ducks, ‘sceptin’ it was a duck call what we’d use.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat is vury interesting, but how do you make a sound like a donut?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah warn’t thankin’ ov that, Heinrik. Ah was figgering mebber we culd bottle some smells, lak fresh bread, er bakin’ cookies, er pertater chips. When we reeleesed that smell, the tubbies’d cum a waddlin’ in frum miles aroun’. Then, ZAP!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dr. Dudewell, you are a genius! Dat is der fines’ lie dat I have efer heard! I vuld luv to do dat! Hide in a dumpster mit a perfume atomizer, or whatever the smart flunkies come up mit to spread der aroma, und draw dem into range. Den, ZAP ’em, und dey are rolling ’round on der groun’! Screaming in agony! Vat a vay to spen’ der weekund!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Why stop there? What we should do is have a “speed lipo” team handy. When they’re helpless, we suck out all the fat, and use it to drive our modified diesel SUVs. Except, we’d call “TUVs”, for Tubbo Utility Vehicle”.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Wow! We might have solved the energy crisis! I’ll bet you there’s the equivalent of a couple barrels of oil in some of the bigger tubbos! We wouldn’t even have to pay taxes on it. Let’s get some really smart flunkies to work on this!
Dr. Murray Eel: If there was ever a need for the very, very smartest smart flunkies, this is it! We could get rid of all the fat people in the world in a couple of months!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WHILE THIS IS A VERY FINE LIE, AND ONE IN WHICH WE, OURSELVES, WOULD GREATLY ENJOY PARTICIPATING, IT VIOLATES OUR BASIC LAW: “NO PROBLEM MUST EVER BE SOLVED UNTIL EVERY LAST PENNY CAN BE SQUEEZED FROM IT!” IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU REFINE THE LIE SO THAT THE PROBLEM OF FAT PEOPLE CANNOT BE SOLVED, BUT ALLOWED TO GENERATE FUNDING FOR YEARS.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We culd have seasons on ’em. You know, lak affer Christmas, when they’s all fattened up! Mebbe b’tween Christmas ‘n New Year’s, we could have a Taser-Tubbo Season. Mos’ of ’em ‘ud larn ter stay inside reel fas’!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Und, dey vuld not lose too much vurk. Dey could take vacation days, und sit home und gorge demselves until dey culd barely efen waddle to dere car or do dere bus. Dat vay, ve do not lose any tax revernue.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: And, we give the thinner field beasts some useful recreational activities to look forward to! Works for everyone!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: But, what about Dick’s point? The Tubbies will just stay inside. We have to be able to go get them!
Dr. Murray Eel: Trained squads should be authorized and equipped to break into their houses!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It vuld be eesier to flush dem out mit tear gas!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a mitey fine noshun, Heinrik! Sum of the hunters on a Tubbo Safari wuld fire tear gas inter the houses, ‘n the others’d zap ’em wiffin their tasers when dey came lumberin’ out!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What if the Tubbos fought back with tasers of their own? What if they shot back with real guns? No telling what an enraged Tubbo might do!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: They might get gas masks! Bullet proof glass!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, all that’d jus’ make it more sportin’. Mebbe get some magazines, lak Outdoor Life ‘n Fiel ‘n Streem ter do sum articles. “I Wuz Huntin’ the Deadly Tubbos of Spokane”, sum’pin’ lak that.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It doesn’t matter what we allow, as long as we can de-humanize an entire segment of society. Once we make them less than human, it doesn’t matter what people do with them. As long as it’s ecologically sound, of course.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR. WHILE HUNTING TUBBOS WITH TASERS IS A LAUDABLE, “FUN” WAY TO LET THE FOOLS KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO BE AS THIN AS POSSIBLE, IT IS TOO SOON TO GO ANY FARTHER WITH THIS. THE OTHER LIES WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED. YOU HAVE STRAYED TOO FAR FROM THE MEDICAL LIES WHICH ARE YOUR PROPER PURVIEW.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, you heard THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, iffin y’all say so. But, Ah shore kin tell ya’, I’ll be mitey disappointed not ter be able ter get sum gud use outen my ex-wives. Ah’d lak ter see iffin they culd gen’rate enuf body fat ter run one of mah Hummerz on a safari in Spokane.
Dr. Murray Eel: Dick, all of us can certainly sympathize. Maybe, we could get Dr. Donny Doccudrama to do a TV show on it. “Getting some mileage out of Dick’s ex-wives”, and the whole country could enjoy watching them get what’s coming to them right along with you!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I would watch every minute of every episode! All of Dr. Dudewell’s ex-wives have treated him horribly! He’s such a fine, sensitive man! Such a great contributor to all the Lie Committees! And they treat him like an ATM machine, always whining for more money, more money, more money!
Dr. Murray Eel: I wonder if everyone will see it that way?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I will! I don’t have nearly as many ex-wives as Dr. Dudewell, but I’ve got more than my share! Be nice to find a way to put ’em all to use. Stop their endless whining!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THE FIELD BEASTS ARE GOING TO STORES, BUYING THINGS, AND BRINGING THEM HOME. USUALLY, THE THINGS THEY BUY ARE IN PACKAGES. WE ARE GOING TO ASK ALL THE LIE COMMITTEES TO COME UP WITH REASONS TO MAKE PACKAGING MORE EXPENSIVE, LESS CONVENIENT, AND HIGHLY TAXED. WE NEED LIES FROM THIS COMMITTEE TO EXPLAIN THE MEDICAL REASONS THAT PACKAGING IS BAD FOR THEM AND MUST BE REGULATED MORE STRINGENTLY.
Dr. Murray Eel: What a wonderfully challenging assignment! I hate packages! They are hard to open! One time, I broke a fingernail, opening a package! Packages should be illegal!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: In my ex-husband’s country, there are no packages. When a field beast goes to the store to buy food, it can only take what it can carry in its hands. No one has enough money to buy more than that.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Here, people take whole carts full of packages home with them. Why, the packages cost more than the food!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Dat est wrong! Der packages shuld be cheaper den der food.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, Ah figger a ketchup bottle probl’y costs more’n the ketchup. But, how else they gonna carry ketchup home?
Dr. Murray Eel: Well, I’m sure I don’t know. I do know I don’t care. Maybe, in their mouths. No one should be allowed to bring more than a mouthful of any liquid or semi-liquid home from any retail establishment. We need some good medical lies about packaging. Do any of the young field beasts die from eating it?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’m sure they do! Let’s have some smart flunkies in one of our scientific foundations make up some frightening statistics.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: They’ll love it! Children are dying from packaging. They’re eating it, and choking to death! Jamming pieces of it in their ears, so they can’t hear the cars, trucks, and trains that are always running over them. Why, the number of packaging related deaths must run into the millions! Billions!
Dr. Murray Eel: They’re breathing in the fumes, and dying like flies!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: The ones who don’t die always get sick! They go blind! They can’t hear! They become autistic! They get AIDS!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Them pack’gin’ fumes shore is deadly. Why, Ah ‘member oncet, in Sludgewater Falls, the whole football team got sick frum frum fumes. They wuz drinkin’ Gator Aid in them thar plastic bottl’s.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Really?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wa’l, it was either that, er their school bus turnt over tryin’ to avoid sum nitetime immygran’s. Fer the purrposes of this h’ar job, Ah ‘member distin’ly that they was drinkin’ Gator Aid frum plastik bottl’s. ‘N, there wuz fumes. Lots uv fumes.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: That must be what caused the wreck! The whole team went crazy from the fumes, and started lurching back and forth. I’ve read of that in the literature, I think. It’s very dangerous, and almost always caused by the chemicals in plastic bottles.
Dr. Murray Eel: We haven’t paid nearly enough attention to plastic bottles. I bought some bacon, once. It was wrapped in plastic. And the eggs! They were packed in plastic foam! Food should never touch plastic!
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Correction, Murray. Food should never touch any plastic that we don’t approve of!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Und, if ve approve uv it, ve should not call it “plastic”. Ve shuld call it som’tink else.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We shuld call it, “Sustaynable Organic Material”. They jes’ luv hearin’ “sustaynable”, ‘n they all knows that an’thin’ what’s got the wurd “organics” is reel, reel gud fer em.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Dick, I really like that. “The only safe way to package any food is in “Sustainable Organic Material”! I just love the phrase “Sustainable Organics”! It’s so short that even the dumbest celeb-scientists can’t get it wrong on a talk show. And, if they do, with only two words, when they screw it up, it comes out “Organic Sustainables.” Makes just as much sense, either way! We can’t lose!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: What do we make Sustainable Organic packaging with? It has to be strong, clear, waterproof, and reasonably cheap.
Dr. Murray Eel: Like, you know, “plastic”?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Can’t ve jus’ change der name? It vuld be nice to jus’ change der name, und keep usink der plastic, but some of der smarter field beasts may tell dere frenz, “Look, dis pakach looks lak plastic, it smells lak plastic, und I tink it is plastic!”
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: The government could lose credibility! The government could be mocked and made fun of! We can’t have that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Personal’y, Ah thank we oughten ter jes go on lettin’ ’em use the plastic, but make ’em pay us fer a little sticker that says “Sustaynable Organic Material” on it. That’ll fool mos’ all the fiel’ beasts. ‘sides, ‘ceptin fer a few members of the Sludgewater Falls football team, has anyone ever acshually been killed by any packagin’ made frum plastic?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Our original estimates run into the millions. I doubt if anyone truly knows. But, what if some fool says, “Plastic keeps food from spoiling. It actually saves lives and keeps people from getting sick.”
Dr. Murray Eel: I hate it when the field beasts argue with us! I just hate it! We go to all the trouble of coming up with some really great lies, and some smart-ass field beast tells us that the thing we’re lying about is is healthier than what we’re trying to replace it with. Why can’t they just accept our lies? I just hate it when they don’t think, say, and do what we tell them.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Some of them think they’re so smart!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: It’s worse than that. Some of them think government agencies are really dumb when they can see through one of our lies too quickly. It’s better to start slowly. We’ll have some of the dumb flunkies start acting weird. Holding their breath until they pass out. Blame it on packaging, get them on the evening “news”, staggering around and mumbling incoherently.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’m good at that!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: I know you are!. We can show the same actors, after they’ve “recovered”, marching around outside grocery stores with banners saying “Big Food is Unsafe!” Others would read “Big Plastic is Unsafe!” Others would say, “Don’t let Big Food put your food in Big Plastic.” It may not make a lot of sense, but you get the idea. We’ve got to get people thinking there’s a big medical problem.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What ah don’ much lak is dat der fiel’ beasts is livin’ longer’n ever. It’s reel hard ter tell ’em that things be killin’ ’em when dey’re livin’ longer n’ longer.
Dr. Murray Eel: They don’t seem to notice. I mean, they know they’re living longer, but most of them still believe every lie we tell them.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I haf noticed dat, too. Can dey be dat dum?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: You know, I never thought of that. They know that they’re living longer than ever, and they still worry about everything we tell them to worry about. They really are stupid. Sometimes, I don’t think we realize how stupid they are!
Dr. Dan Dorkay: We should get some smart flunkies to work on that. It’s a real puzzle. They live longer than ever, but they still believe us when we tell them things are getting worse. Maybe, they aren’t dumb. Maybe they’re crazy.
Dr. Murray Eel: I think they’re dumb and crazy, but, most of all, I think they’re trusting. They actually tell the truth among themselves, and they think we tell the truth, too.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: That’s how we get away from lying to them all the time? They actually think we’re telling them the truth?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger ya’ll mite be rite, Dan. Ah ‘member when Ah was pertendin’ ter be a Baptist, they’d allus go on ‘n on ’bout how they shuldn’t bear false witness.
Dr. France Foopahstan: What does that mean, “false witness”?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: It means dat der fools t’ink dat dey vill go ter Hell for lying. Dey t’ink ever’one beleefs dat, so dey figger dat ven dey hear a newspewer, dat dey are hearing somevun who is tellink der truth.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Really? In my country, everyone is allowed to lie, if the lie will benefit them and their families. Here, they do not lie at all? That is truly amazing!
Dr. Murray Eel: Not all of ’em are like that. But, a lot of them are. That’s how we get away with it. They hear our lies, think we’re like them, working to go to Heaven, and are telling the truth.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Then, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, lying to them?
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I have never heard of this. Surely, it could not be that they are right? Do people actually go to hell for lying? Do they know something that we don’t?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT LEADING YOU TO PRODUCE THE LIES FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING PAID.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You heard THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE! Let’s get onto something else. Last night, I had an idea. We’ve never had any lies about mandatory amputation.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: I’ve never heard of “mandatory amputation”, but it certainly sounds intriguing. What’s it all about?
Dr. Dan Dorkay: Well, I noticed that people are bigger than they need to be, and that wastes energy. If we cut off all their legs at the knee, they would’t have to eat so much.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N they wuldn’ be able ter run away frum law ‘nforcement!
Dr. Heinrik Plow: I t’ink dat est vun gud idea! Dey vuld need smaller cars, and houses. Vy, der money ve vuld save from going to six foot doors to four foot doors vuld add up to millions!
Dr. Murray Eel: That’s right! And, houses wouldn’t have to have eight or nine foot ceilings. If they were all two feet shorter, ceilings would only have to be five or six feet high.
Dr. Dan Dorkay: You see how much we could save? And, it would provide jobs for lots of doctors and nurses. And, unemployed lumberjacks. Anyone who could cut down a tree could lop some limbs.
Dr. Frances Foopahstan: Do the field beasts really need two arms? I mean, it just wastes energy, having two arms. Mandatory Amputation would make the world a much better place.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figgers field beas’s ‘ud be able ter fit in smaller cars, too. Think of how environmentally friendly they’d be. Couldn’t go diggin’ no holes in Mudder Earf iffin they had short legs ‘n only wun arm. Be better fer ever’wun.
Dr. Murray Eel: And, their carbon footprints would be much lighter!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Heck, they wuldn’t have hardly no footprints a’tall!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE FEEL THAT “MANDATORY AMPUTATION” IS TOO EXTREME WITHOUT SOFTENING UP THE FIELD BEASTS. DR. DUDEWELL, YOU ARE ALSO ON THE ENERGY AND ENVIRONMENTAL LIE COMMITTEE. PLEASE ASK THEM FOR ADDITIONAL LIES ON THIS INTERESTING OPPORTUNITY.