If you are tired of being in an old, worn-out Protestant denomination, rife with divisions on every boring, moral issue, you will find Schism Seminary more than a welcome oasis. You will quickly see that Schism Seminary is your springboard to success in a Christian Business of your own.
And, if you can no longer stand being a lowly Assistant or Associate Minister, Youth Pastor, or in Funding Development, we can help you leverage your existing contacts to finance and build your own mega-church. Especially if you’ve learned the basics of fund-raising.
Schism Seminary teaches you how to tell people things like “We must focus on tomorrow.” Our lessons make it more clear that we focus on getting money from donors. Learning how to get people to concentrate on meaningless platitudes like “We must focus on tomorrow!” distracts from your hand in their pockets.
We provide a catechism of such phrases for you to memorize and passionately repeat, including, “You can make a difference!”, “We can make a difference!” “With work and prayer, we’ll get it done!”, and that old classic, “Do you really know the Lord?” We show you how to set them to music, actually breaking into song in the midst of inspiring sermons, each exemplifying the laudable goal of “Returning to the simple faith of our fathers” because “Nothing is impossible for God!”
Graduates of Schism Seminary learn the impossible, how to wear five thousand dollar suits and fifty thousand dollar wrist watches without offending donors. We actually teach our graduates how to attract and train church members to admire, rather than resent, their ostentatious displays and collections.
People who understand are astonished. They want to know: “How on earth do you do that?”
Our answer: “Go to a nearby mega-church run by one of our graduates. Attend services. Listen to the Founding Pastor, on the rare occasions he is there. You will begin to see. The multi-millionaire mega-church pastor arrives in chauffeured limousine. He has landed in his personal Lockheed Mission Jet, tanned from an overseas vacation on one of his island homes where he relaxes from the hardest work on earth, ‘moving souls to Heaven’. Watch and listen.”
No matter how hard you try, you can’t figure it out on your own. You need lessons, examples, training, all of which are available from Schism Seminary and our skilled instructors. Our classes teach what you need to know.
Our pledge: Schism Seminary instructors can help you reach your proper level. If you want to get ahead. If you want to be somebody, we can show you how to reach your goals.
Invent your own schism! Part 10