Every ambitious Protestant man needs Talking Points to make his Marketing Plan more attractive to donors to be Making money the Pastor Bob way. Donors must be identified. A Protestant man with a Marketing Plan discovers “There are 32,000,000 lapsed Catholics! Thirty Two Million! There are more lapsed Catholics than practicing Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Methodists, and Lutherans put together!”
An analytical Protestant man with a Marketing Plan decides: “I’m not wasting time on Protestants. Their denominations are going down, down, down! Dying on the vine! Much more money to be made by running down The Catholic Church and getting lots of lapsed Catholics helping my collections!”
The ambitious Pastor Bob does some market research. “Hmm! There just a few reasons people leave the Catholic Church. Most of them are pseudo-intellectual justifications that mask the real reason for leaving. They want to have sex outside of Church-approved marriages! I’ll tell ’em ‘This is a church for people who care about God and each other.’ They’ll buy that!”
Guess what? About a quarter million other Pastor Bobs already know that! They have attended seminars, study groups, and taken classes on attracting lapsed Catholics. Nearly all the Pastor Bobs have learned to put up with the sententious drivel that begins, “Pastor Bob, The Catholic Church just doesn’t understand that Tiffanella and I really do love each other. We belong together! We are in love!”
Pastor Bob was was certainly smart enough to have looked out the window before their appointment to notice what kind of car they drove. Inside, he appraised the big rock on young Tiffanella’s finger, their expensive clothes, what looked like Rolexes, and the overall air of prosperity that made her older husband an especially welcome member of any Pastor Bob’s flock.
So, how does our Bright Young Man, our ambitious Protestant Man with a Marketing Plan react to the knowledge that every Pastor Bob is after the same Lapsed Catholics?
“Catholics are used believing a lot of really complicated stuff. I need something that sounds like a religious reason for lapsed Catholics to join my new, Family Bible Evangelical Victory Predominate Church! I’ll borrow some money and buy the Franchise Rights to Pastor Bob Number Forty Thousand and ONE’s new Baptismal Sacrament! That will separate me from the 43,000 other Pastor Bobs and their old, boring marketing plans. It’s like buying a McDonald’s Franchise! I can get one to cover the whole town!”
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He buys the rights, and goes through the Franchisee Training Program. He’s told he’s smart, brilliant, and Sure to Succeed! He shown how to get land, both by borrowing and by searching property records and telling landowners “I know God has blessed you so mightily that you could consider a Land Donation that will help our new church and show God that you care!”
Then, he’s taught how to use the land as collateral, sell off parcels, and build the building. Then, he learns the intricacies of The Giant Baptismal Font that’s been patented, copyrighted, and protected with layers of Intellectual Property protection by Pastor Bob Number Forty Four Thousand and ONE! Our own Pastor Bob, and all the Pastor Bobs who buy a Franchise, get to meet the famous Pastor, affectionately called “Really Big Bob”. He meets with each class of Holy Franchisees to show that “he cares” by providing a brief synopsis of his Theological Breakthrough.
“First, you faces ’em upstream in The River Jordan Baptismal Font. Then, you shoves ’em down and baptizes ’em facin’ up. Then, you rolls ’em over ‘n shoves ’em down n’ baptizes ’em facin’ down. Then, you points ’em downstream and repeat. Then, you face ’em toward the realistic-lookin’ palm tree on the West Bank of The River Jordan Baptismal Font. Baptize ’em face up. Then, face down. Then, give ’em a chance to catch their breath and face ’em toward the fake fig tree on the East Bank, and do ’em again!
“Iffin they’s paid fer the Full Cleansing, ‘n we recommend that fer ever’one over thirty what needs to be Re-Baptized to be baptized at the age Jesus chose for Himself, then you puts ’em in The Holy Spinner, ‘n you baptizes ’em while they’s goin’ ’round ‘n ’round ‘n up ‘n down in the flowin’ Waters of The River Jordan, shipped in special for you from The River Jordan and replaced ever’ six months. Sing the hymn while’s you doin’ that. ‘Round ‘n ’round, ‘n up ‘n down ter wash yer sins away.’ Jes’ sing it over ‘n over again while’s you be cleanin’ ’em real good.
“When yer done, iffin they gots any money lef’, then you Baptizes ’em on the inside, from top to bottom ‘n from bottom to top wiffin our newly patented Inside Cleansin’ Kits, baptizin’ the entire Digestive Track, ‘er, Trac, ‘er whatever it is.
“You fellers follow our instrucshuns ‘n you’ll be packin’ yer pews wiffin lots of Lapsed Catholics. You’ll like ’em. They was raised to respec’ the clergy. They’ll believe anythin’ you tells ’em. I guarantee it!”
