Young Pastor Bob considers Communion in his few weeks of theological studies at Pastor Big Bob’s Baptismal Seminary. He began by learning how to raise funds for a church building big enough to hold the Denomination’s Giant Baptismal Font.
Then, he and the other students had to learn about the Giant Baptismal Font, itself. Each was a forty by sixty foot structure that duplicated The River Jordan. Actual water from The River Jordan flowed between its sandy banks, continually recirculated by powerful, silent pumps beneath.
Each Giant Baptismal Font has shrubs, palm, and fig trees. Some have fish from The River Jordan. The Deluxe Version features the Baptismal Crane and Rotor for the Full Roto-Immersion in Every Direction Baptisms for those who had to have their infant and adolescent Baptisms redone at 30 or after so and be Baptized facing up, down, upstream, downstream, and sideways.
No matter what theory of Baptism was embraced, Pastor Big Bob’s Guarantee to “Get Baptized like Jeee-sus!” has never been successfully challenged, not even by old, established Ministers who actually knew Scripture, had gone to real seminaries, and thought Pastor Bob was more interested in money than in saving souls.
There was a lot to learn. Each purchaser of a Pastor Big Bob Giant Baptismal Font had to not only be taught how to lift and lower, but also how to rotate Baptizees, some of whom would be grossly overweight or in poor health. Even the most obese needed to be spun both clockwise and counter-clockwise, horizontally and vertically, facing up and facing down in the Giant Baptismal Font so The River Jordan Water could wash away their sins.
“You gots ter lern this Baptizin’ bus’ness reel good. Iffin you hurts sumbody, you kin get sued! Don’ want no OSHA pipple frum the gummit shuttin’ us down!”
Over an hour was spent just learning how to take care of the camel hair robe and leather belt. “It’s jes’ like John The Baptist wore!” Pastor Big Bob explained. “This here camel hair ain’t cheap, ‘n you’ll be gettin’ it splashed mos’ ever’ time you Baptizin’ anybody, ‘specially iffin you rotates ’em too fast or drops some tubbo in too hard. Iffen you throws The John The Baptist Robe in the dryer, the camel hair shrinks three or four sizes ‘n you’ll look absitively r’dic’lous. So, dry it in the shade, reel slow! N’ keep that leather belt oiled, so’s it don’ stiffen up.”
Rows of eager young Pastor Bobs wrote down every word on their notepads; “Jes’ like it’s Gospel.”, Pastor Big Bob said, approvingly, to himself. “Jes’ like it’s Gospel.”
After class, our young Pastor Bob had a chance to speak privately with the legendary Pastor Big Bob, inventor and holder of the many, many American and foreign patents that covered the Giant Baptismal Font and the copyrighted Marketing Plans and Talking Points that came with it.
“Pastor Big Bob, you told me how to use a kind of confession to get people to talk about things they might later pay to keep quiet, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. But, what about Communion? Some of the Lapsed Catholics and more serious Protestants you are showing us how to attract take Communion very seriously.”
“Dey say dey do, but dey don’t. Iffin dey did, dey’d still be Cat’lic, ‘er be in some ol’-fashioned Church what takes marriage seriously. Them that comes here only be thinkin’ ’bout gettin’ in the sack wiffin sumbody who some hoity-toity Church says dey cain’t marry, mebbe ’cause they’s alreddy married, as iffin that’s anyboddy’s business.
“Anyway, Ah jes’ tells ’em ‘Ferget ’bout Communion. Ferget that Protestant ‘Remberance of Me’. Especially, ferget that Cat’lic stuff. Thar’s no way some man kin turn bread ‘n wine in ter anythin’ mor’n what it is. God ain’ that pow’rful!’ You jes’ focus on Baptizin’ em reel good in yer own Pastor Big Bob Church of the Real Baptism, ‘n you’ll do jes’ fine.”
