It took almost a month for Franchisees to be ordained in Pastor Big Bob’s Seminary of The Perfect Baptism. Young Pastor Bob’s Confirmation concerns were pushed aside.
“Ah’ll get to that ‘Confirmification Stuff’ later.”, Pastor Big Bob explained. “Wha’s lots more importan’ than any of that stuff is gettin’ all you guys trained on usin’ the Giant Baptismal Font so’s you don’ end up killin’ noboddy! We’ll cover the theological stuff a day ‘er two before you gets Ordained to operate the Baptismal Crane, Baptismal Rotor, and learn how to keep that Holy Water frum The River Jordan flowin’.”
Pastor Big Bob’s Seminary of The Perfect Baptism had good reason to be very concerned with getting Baptizees safely in and out of the the Giant Baptismal Font. There was a lot to learn about pumps, motors, and the powerful Baptismal Crane and Baptismal Rotators that spun the Baptizee vertically, horizontally, and diagonally in the River Jordan Water that flowed between the palms and fig trees along the Giant Baptismal Font’s shores.
Safety was stressed. “Iffin you be baptizin’ some four hunnert pound tubbo what’s payin’ fer The Full Cleansin’, you jes gots ter be careful! Once you’s gotten ’em lifted up above the Giant Baptismal Font ‘n sumthin breaks, ‘n they come plummetin’ down, why one of them artificial palm trees could go plum’ through ’em lak a spear! You make a mistake ‘n drop some big lard-butt in the water, it’ll push off a tidal wave that’ll soak the whole congreegation! Worse, yet, they may blow out a pump! A new pump’ll cost you ten grand, plus installation!”
Suddenly the young Pastor Bobs paid very close attention! A ten thousand dollar repair bill was something to avoid! But, our Young Pastor Bob did have a chance to speak with Pastor Big Bob, Himself, during a break.
“Pastor Big Bob, don’t some of those lapsed Catholics we’ll be bringing into our own Church of The Perfect Baptism want to have their children Confirmed? What do we do about that?”
“Lissen. The kind of pipple what comes ter ahr Church of The Perfect Baptism don’ care ’bout much ’bout stuff like that. They’ radder be in a Marchin’ Band ‘er bake cookies, ‘er sumthin’ lak than be t’inkin’ bout sum compleecated Sacramentalifications. The pipple what come ter ahr churches ain’ whachu call ‘deep thinkers’. Mos’ly, they needs ter have sum friends ‘n think they’s all goin’ ter Heaven. Ahr job’s ter make it dang near impossible fer ’em to think Jesus wuldn’t let ’em into Heaven after bein’ fully cleansed in our Church of The Perfect Baptism.”
“But, Pastor Big Bob, what about some lapsed Catholic who absolutely insists on Confirmation? What do we do, then?”
“Ah dunno. Ain’ nebber happn’ed. Wait! Ah gots me an idee! What Ah’d do is Ah’d tell ’em, “Our Baptism in The Church of The Perfect Baptism is so good that you don’ need no other Sacramental Stuff. But, I, Pastor Big Bob Hisself, reco’nize that some may Feel The Need! So, we charge ’em fer another, “special Baptism” what uses carbonated water that blasts ’em clean as a whistle’. I’ll get the Engineering Department to work on that. ‘N, I’ll get them Patent Attorney’s busy, too. Young Pastor Bob, y’all may have inspired a new profit center fer Lapsed Catholics what wants to have, whachu call it ‘the Sacramentalification of Confirmation?”
