Young Pastor Bob was having a hard time in Pastor Big Bob’s Seminary of The Perfect Baptism. The powerful pumps and motors that moved a swimming pool full of water from The River Jordan through the palms and fig trees on the Baptismal Banks of the Giant Baptismal Font required actual engineering skill. And, there were occasional theological issues. One day at lunch, Young Pastor Bob learned about Marriage, another of his concerns about The Sacraments.
“I was never good at math, but I’m learning!” he explained to Pastor Big Bob at lunch. “Giant Baptismal Font Hydraulics are complicated!”
“W’al, iffen you don’ l’arn how ter wurk these here pumps, motors, Baptismal Cranes and Rotors, you is gonna haf’ ter pay some Hydraulical and Mechanical engineer a hunnert thousan’ a year, plus bennyfits, to run ’em fer you.”
“Oh, I can understand how important that is! And, I can figure out the Baptismal Crane and Rotor. I get distracted thinking about some of the theological issues. Things like the Sacrament of Marriage confuse me.”
“Hell’s fire! They ain’ nuffin ter be confused ’bout marriage. Iffin a man n’ woman says dey loves each other, we marries ’em!”
“What if they’ve been married and divorced? How many times can they be married and divorced?
“As many as they want! When Ah was still preachin’, afore Ah got all these h’ar Franchisees of The Church of The Perfec’ Baptism, Ah’d have pipple what had been married half a dozen times!”
“But, doesn’t that make a mockery of marriage? Didn’t Jesus say you shouldn’t divorce and re-marry?
“Jesus said lots of thangs. That don’ mean we gots to do ’em. Iffin they’s married five or six times ‘n their checks don’ bounce, why, whar’s der prollum? Don’ we gots a bigger ‘sponsibilty ter pay ahr bills ‘n keep thangs goin’ so’s we kin save sum souls?”
“How many times can they get divorced and remarried?”
“Many times as they be wantin’! Lissen, they ain’t allowed ter have more’n one wife at a time. Some of ’em has a natchural desire fer more’n one. How dey gonna get more’n one unless dey marries ’em one after another? Iffin the laws warn’t so strick, there wuldn’t be so many divorces ‘n they’d be marryin’ new wimmin alla time ‘n not havin’ ter get rid of the old one.”
“Polygamy is all right?”, answered Young Pastor Bob, simultaneously astonished and intrigued as he realized that Pastor Big Bob was really saying that rampant, serial divorce and remarriage had become, among some of the newer, looser denominations, a perfectly acceptable form of Protestant polygamy.
“Shore. Martin Loofer said so. We ain’ s’pposed ter talk about it, cause it pisses off the smarter married wimmin, but iffin more’n one wife was all right wif’ Martin Loofer, it’s all right by me. So, Ah don’ care how offen dey gets married. Long as the checks don’ bounce! You gots ter watch out’ ’cause a guy’ what makes big pledges can’t allus afford ter make the payments iffin he’s got too many alleymony payments. Iffin you are countin’ on guys like that to fund the purchase of your Costa Rica Beachfront Mission to teach a man how ter fish, you could come up short.”
“I’m glad you warned me!”
“We’d lak ter get them laws changed, so’s Church Pledges wouldn’t be subjectified to bein’ reduced by alleymony payments. But, that’s a reel hard law ter change, since they let them wimmin vote. Dam’ fool thang to do.”
