Lots of people wander around in the “Forest of the 34,000 Ladders to Heaven”. They are looking for “the right ladder for me”. Some of them have never been on any of the 34,000 Ladders. Others have been on several.
At the foot of every ladder in The Forest, enthusiasts of all 34,000 Protestant schisms tell those passing by, “I can guarantee you: our ladder reaches to Heaven.”
Potential member: “I’ve been up on Brother Bob’s ladder. He says his ladder is the best. He says it’s the most fun to climb and it’s guaranteed to reach Heaven, too.”
Schism salesman “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to say anything bad about Brother Bob, but, you know, they have some odd beliefs. They won’t let you eat meat unless it’s cooked until it’s dry and tough. Here, on our Ladder to Heaven, you can eat rare prime rib.”
Potential member: “Wow! I like rare roast beef! I never did understand why Brother Bob insisted that eating meat was a sin, unless it was way over-cooked. But, Brother Bob says that’s what God told him.”
Schism salesman: “Maybe He did. Maybe He didn’t. Brother Bob may have, well, he’s older, and it’s hard to tell what’s going on is his mind. It’d better here, on our ladder. People on our ladder are free to eat whatever they want. They can cook it however they like.”
Potential member: “Really? We would be allowed to combine food? We could have a hot fudge sundae on your Ladder to Heaven?”
Schism salesman: “Certainly!”
Potential member: “I can have rare roast beef on your ladder. And, I can have a hot fudge sundae. Can I have more than one wife?”
Schism salesman: “We try to satisfy everyone’s needs. Right now, you can have up to three wives, as long as no one knows but you and them. We only ask that you just publicly be married to one. And, don’t bring more than one to church. At a time. We’re getting rid of a lot more of those old-fashioned rules, but we have to go slowly. Don’t want to drive away the older contributors!”
