Many students ask an important question as they move into The Business of Christianity. “What do I call myself?” It’s an important question. Schism Seminary’s fine Marketing Department provides valuable insight. We have extensively researched and analyzed the various titles. We can quantify the most effective forms of address to provide the greatest degree of honorific status.
It’s important. Using the wrong title has a very damaging effect on donations. A smart, ambitious young clergyman will spend many productive hours choosing the right title, and not just for himself. He needs titles for the serried ranks of subordinates who will be doing the grunt-work of dealing with his various Outreach Enterprises. All of the people who are vital in developing the broad-based funding mechanisms so important to the new schism’s continued financial success need to be assigned the right titles.
Typically, our young men-on-the-make begin by wanting to know, “Do I call myself ‘Minister’, ‘Reverend’, or ‘Pastor’?” We can provide the results of dozens of focus groups. Four times a year, Schism Seminary Marketing researchers validate alternative Clerical Titles. Sometimes, for instance, “Deacon” may be suggested. In Hispanic nations, where public aid is often provided to new schisms so they can help governments save money by undermining the pesky Catholic Church’s desire for better health care, education, and actual social services, “Monsignor” is sometimes suggested.
Once in a while, we’ll have a bright, young man coming into the Christian Business who wants to call himself “Bishop”. That is rarely effective among large donors. But, in inner city schisms, with some distant connections to Methodist and Episcopalian churches run by “bishops”, the title may be effective. It might work particularly well when the clergyman’s ambitions have crystallized in several franchise outlets. It may, in those cases, be profitable to address oneself as “Bishop”.
To date, we have not had a single clergyman express a desire to be addressed as “Archbishop”. But, if an especially creative Christian Entrepreneur were to develop multiple franchises in several large cities, one could not preclude the possibility. It would have a certain “ring” of authenticity, not to mention the wonderful possibilities of an actual “Bishop’s Ring”, featuring a diamond with a dazzling dozen or so carats. What ambitious schism-inventor wouldn’t like one or two of those? It’s an opportunity!
It is not presently likely that any of our graduates would ever want to be known as “Pope”, but, why not? Don’t our Schism Seminary Graduates have just as much right to use the name “Pope” as anyone? Fair is fair. Everyone should have equal rights to any title.
Schism Seminary can tell you the best name to choose when you start your new schism. It’s been validated by focus groups, and is guaranteed! For three years in a row, our focus groups have been nearly unanimous. We have proven that people of every income, occupation, and educational background will trust and support the leader of an exciting, new group whose name is “Pastor Bob”.
“Pastor Bob” is so popular that Schism Seminary has been forced to copyright and trade-mark the name. We license the name, “Pastor Bob” to our graduates for a reasonable sum. We don’t do so for the money. We do so to make sure there are not, for instance, a dozen new schism founders named “Pastor Bob”, each one starting his own mega-church in, possibly, Pittsburgh.
You can see our point! Right now, we still have openings for the name “Pastor Bob” in Orlando, Augusta, East St. Louis, Kansas City, Tacoma, and a few other places. A complete list, and applicable fees, are available on request from Schism Seminary, home of The Christian MBA.
