Many in the Christian Business feel a twinge of guilt. “Is it right for me to make so much money in my own schism? The other ministers in town don’t make as much as I do. The Catholic priests make even less. Sometimes, I feel guilty. Sometimes, I realize how much money I’m making, and it’s embarrassing!”
At Schism Seminary, we show you how to avoid these paralyzing pangs of guilt! We want you to feel good about yourself! We want you to understand that God loves you. He wants you to be successful! He wants you to be setting an example of prosperity and generosity! How can you be generous if you aren’t prosperous?
Our Christian counselors slowly guide you through the wilderness. You start out, poor and alone, or you tell people you do. You begin your mega-church in the usual rented storefront. Then, you follow our guidelines to find and reach out to the big donors who can lift you out of the theological dungheap. All the time, you focus on lofty goals. You want that Personal Lockheed Mission Jet! You want to fly with eagles and angels!
The lesser ministers just don’t care enough to do that. If they did, they’d be enrolled in Schism Seminary, right along with you! Instead, they’re happy in some stagnant, theological backwater. It’s not your fault that they have no drive! It’s not your fault that they don’t want to get ahead! Don’t let them pull you down!
Schism Seminary will teach you to accept the brutal truth: You can only grow your mega-church by taking donors from others. It is as simple as that. Frankly, if you don’t have the stomach for that, you may be happier, well, more content, as a Methodist or Lutheran or one of the other dying denominations
So, your Schism Seminary Curriculum begins with what we call “Theological Boot Camp”. A few retired Marine Drill Sergeants instil the only faith that matters, faith in yourself! We get you to see the other churches as weak, useless, parasitic enemies of progress. Got that? Repeat it to yourself, just like you’re going to be doing between rigorous calisthenics, hand-to-hand combat, and bayonet training for your 8 weeks of Theological Boot Camp at Schism Seminary. “Protestants and Catholics are weak! Catholics are useless! Protestants are parasitic enemies of progress!”
We’ll get you straightened out! We’ll having you despising every religion but your own! Then, you build your successful schism into a major Mega-Church! Who’s in charge? YOU ARE!
Then, the important work begins. We teach you how real accounting is done! We show all the ways there are to divert funds from donors to private accounts! We show you how to find, and how much to pay, the people you need for this specialized accounting. It is, after all, the real work of your Mega-Church ministry!
