Most of the old-line Protestant and Catholic churches get money the old fashioned way. They pass collection plates and baskets from person to person through the pews. People put in money.
That, for a big, impressive, multi-million dollar Mega-church like yours, is absurd.
Your vastly more complex Mega-church services should not be interrupted. Choreographers, singers, organists, pianists, choirs, mimes, dancers, actors, an occasional high school marching band, and top-notch speakers are simulcast on your huge screens. Multi-media ceremonies are designed to flow through hypnotically interwoven sanctuary broadcasts. You don’t want your services interrupted by a lot of old fashioned plate-passing.
And, you remember the problems from your early days as an Assistant Youth Pastor. Money sometimes disappears from those collection plates and baskets. You know you need people to watch the people who watch the money counters in the back room! You, of all people, know how easily cash and checks can disappear!
We can help you keep track of your church’s money and stop the pilfering from pesky piles of cash! Schism Seminary is offering something new! We teach you how to set up our brand new Payroll Deduction for Jesus program! It’s amazing!
Naturally, you are initially incredulous. You intelligently and instinctively want to know, “How can I get anyone in their right mind to participate in a Payroll Deduction for Jesus program?”
Schism Seminary has done it! We show you how to divide your congregation into teams, each led by one of your eager Assistant Pastors. Each of them knows that if they want to replace you when you retire, they have to enthusiastically do everything you want.
Your Team Leaders tell their teams that “Our boss, Pastor Bob, wants us to save people the trouble of writing checks or remembering to bring enough money to church. He wants to spare all of us the embarrassment of missing a Sunday and forgetting to make a donation when we come back the next week.
To make our lives easier, Pastor Bob wants to start a ‘Payroll Deduction for Jesus program! If our team beats the others in the number of people who save time and trouble by signing up for the new Payroll Deduction for Jesus program, our team will win! Pastor Bob will be so proud of us!”
By the way, if you haven’t changed your name to “Pastor Bob”, do so! Our marketing surveys and focus groups prove it’s the best of all ministerial branding labels. You may be able to license the ‘Pastor Bob’ name in your area! We can show you financial statements generated from before and after ‘Pastor Bob’ name changes. It’s a miracle, how well the name works.
Anyway, after attending the Schism Seminary Payroll Deduction for Jesus symposium, you’ll see how easy it is to set up your own Payroll Deduction for Jesus program. The skilled financial experts at Schism Seminary will help! They’ll show you how to get your Payroll Deduction for Jesus teams set up, and, more importantly, fired up!
And, we offer you an additional mini-seminar that’s very important! We have developed effective ways to make people feel guilty for not participating in your Payroll Deduction for Jesus program. We are so convincing that we’ve had unemployed people make automatic deductions to aggressive mega-churches from their checking accounts! We tell them, “It shows Pastor Bob that you really love Jesus if you make automatic deductions when you don’t have a job.”
There’s an added plus, if you sign up now. We show you how to say, “And, if you are ever in need, this Payroll Deduction for Jesus program will help us to help you!” We don’t go into a lot of detail, here. No need to. The mere thought that “Pastor Bob cares about me!” is comforting and convincing enough.
And, we show you how to get the importance of the Payroll Deduction for Jesus across with a straight face. Ah, the Miracle of Botox!
