if life is an IQ test, the least intelligent of the Pastor Bobs are identified by their repetition of “Catholics worship idols!”.
Often, it is said breathlessly, as if it’s a big secret that only a few know. First, a glance to the right and left to be sure no one is listening, and “Catholics worship idols!” in tones of outraged astonishment.
The Pastor Bobs behind such lies are often in the bargain basement beginnings of their dream of a multi-million dollar mega-church. From small beginnings in rented storefronts, most of the Pastor Bobs go nowhere.
Older downtown Pastor Bobs become bitter. “If those Catholic Churches would close, then I’d get some of their people. Lord knows I need them.” as they stare out over the empty folding chairs from the oil drum covered with a big blanket that passes for a pulpit.
The brighter Pastor Bobs have made it to the suburbs! They find that their best congregants are former Catholics. “These lapsed Catholics treat me like a priest, even though I’m on my second wife and the kids in our blended family are a gang of uncontrolled little hellions! I get a lot of ex-Catholics giving up to 5% of pre-tax income. Or, I let them choose to give 10% of after-tax income, instead!”
The mid-level Pastor Bobs continue: “You know what? Schism Seminary hired testing psychologists to do surveys. We discovered that ex-Catholics think that if we get them to give a little more money, they don’t have to feel guilty for having left The Catholic Church for a second or third new spouse! They nod wisely when I tell them how lucky they are to be here, because ‘Catholics worship idols!’ I love those ex-Catholics!”
The truly successful Mega-church multi-millionaire ministers are rich enough to run their own focus groups. “Ex-Catholics come to services every Sunday. They tithe obediently. They don’t question anything I do. Well, once one of them did ask if there wasn’t a better use for donations than Astro-Turfing my helipad, but I explained that important visitors ‘appreciated the thoughtfulness’ and they quieted right down. I’d much rather have two or three hundred rich ex-Catholics than a couple of thousand former Presbyterians, Lutherans, or Methodists. Protestants are, well, a little ‘too aware’ of who gets to decide where the money is spent. They talk about it more than necessary.”
The truly successful Mega-church multi-millionaire ministers don’t bother telling people that “Catholics worship idols!” One explained, “Our services bring in over half a million dollars a week! We have five or ten thousand people showing up! They’re here because I tell ’em how wonderful they are! They don’t give two hoots about whether or not Catholics worship idols. They’re too busy worshiping themselves!”
