“My Church of The Perfect Baptism is the greates’ theologicul breakthrough in the hist’ry of Baptizin’!”, exulted Pastor Big Bob to his latest class of franchisees. At the end of this class, Young Pastor Bob learned about Holy Orders and how simple they could be.
His exciting, new Protestant Church featured “The Baptismal Crane and Rotor”. These amazing devices allowed Pastor Big Bob, “the most brilliant inventor in the history of Protestantism”, to lower people into The Giant Baptismal Font right-side-up and upside-down in his Church of The Perfect Baptism.
Each Franchisee/Seminarian learned the ropes by being both Baptizer and Baptizee. The special “Baptizin’ Harness” was strapped onto the Baptizee who was lowered into the water right-side up and rotated, clockwise, and counter-clockwise, so as to guarantee having been directionally “Baptized like Jesus”.
Then, in case John the Baptist may have put people into the flowing waters of The River Jordan upside down, the Baptizee was lowered into the flowing waters of The Giant Baptism Font upside down and fully rotated. Then, each Baptizee was hooked up to the Horizontal Rotor and spun sideways, facing upstream, downstream while being rotated both clockwise and counter-clockwise.
“We duplicates ever’ possible po-sishun Jesus coulda been facin’! ‘N, we does it in acshual River Jordan Water tha’ we has shipped in frum The acshual River Jordan! We makes it ter flow the same speed der River Jordan be flowin’ wiffin ahr patented River Jordan Water Speed-o-Meter. No matter how Jesus was Baptized, all them pipple what’s be comin’ to The Church of The Perfect Baptism is gwine ter be baptised facin’ the same way He was. They is gwine ter be Baptzed at the raht age, 30, er, mebbe 29 and a ha’f. None o’ that infant and teen-age pretend-Baptism fer us! Jesus knew what age pipple shuld be baptized! We follers Jesus!”
At the end of each long day learning the operation of The Baptismal Crane, Rotor, and the pumps, filters, and motors that needed to be mastered, a few minutes were spent on theological matters.
“We’s talked ’bout Baptism, Confesshun, Conmunion, ‘n Marriage. Today, we’s goin’ ober der Sacramentalification of Holy Orders. When you leaves h’ar, you is all gwine ter be Ordained in Pastor Big Bob’s Church of the Perfect Baptism, ‘n you be gettin’ yer engineering license so’s you kin run the Baptismal Crane ‘n Rotor. That purty well covers all you needs ter know ’bout Ordination ‘n Holy Orders. ‘N we is done in time fer dinner!”
The class groaned when our Young Pastor Bob raised his hand. “Pastor Big Bob, you have told us we should be looking to get lapsed Catholics into our own franchise Church of The Perfect Baptism. Aren’t Catholics accustomed to Catholic priests who are ordained with the Power to forgive sins and to turn bread and wine into The Body and Blood of Christ. When we graduate, will we be ordained with those powers?”
Pastor Big Bob shook his head knowingly. “If them lapsed Cat’lics reeely wanted ter have their sins fergiv’n and if dey reeely wanted ter be havin’ that th’ar Communion’, they never would have left the Cat’lic Church. Fac’ is, de ones what leave the Cat’lic Church don’ care nuffin ’bout all that. What dey do care ’bout is havin’ you tellin’ them how smart dey be ter escape all t’at ‘Prim’tive Suppertishun’. They jes’ loves hearin’ t’at. Now, it be time fer us ter go have ahr supper, ‘n dat’s a fac’, it ain’ no prim’tive supperstishun!”
