“Now, we is all dun wif’ yer trainin’. Y’all knows how ter wurk The Gian’ Baptismal Font. Y’all has been trained in operatin’ the Giant Baptismal Crane. N’, ya’ll kin handle the Baptismal Rotor. So, we be givin’ each ob you yer Offishal Engineerin’ Certyfication thereof. N’, we be giving each of you yer very own John The Baptist camel hair robe ‘n leather belt, so’s you be dressed jes’ right fer Baptizin’ in the The Church of The Perfect Baptism.
Now, we’s got ter talk ’bout makin’ der big bucks so’s y’all kin pay fer yer buildin’, electricity, ‘n parkin’ lots ‘n stuff lak dat. Whar’s the money comin’ frum? The eeconomical fac’ is, dere’s lots mor’ lapsed Cat’lics than there are Presbyteerians, Lutherians, Methodisticals, ‘n all ‘dem udders put tergether. Lapsed Cat’lics is wha’r the money is!
How do yer gets money frum lapsed Cat’lics? Lapsed Cat’lics is wha’r the money is!
Why do Cat’lics leave the Church? Cat’lic Church gots rules. No sleepin’ ‘roun’. No getting hitched wifoutten sum priest says its okay. ‘Dat ain’ raht. Anybuddy what wan’s ter get deevorced ‘n remarried, we let’s ’em. Often as dey wants. We tells ’em, “We treat you lak you is an a-dult. Iffen you ‘n yer honey-pie be wantin’ fer ter get married ‘n be ‘spectable, we’d be proud to do jes’ that! We be on yur side!”
So, ‘dey be wantin’ ter get married reel bad, but ‘dey needs sum reasons fer ter leave the Cat’lic Church ‘n start givin’ money to you. Here’s sum ‘mportant Talkin’ Points ter he’p gettin’ that lapsed Cat’lic cash flowin’ ter you!
1. We tells ’em, Cat’lics is bad ’cause dey wurship idols. Statues. Popes. It ain’ technically true, but pipple desp’rate ter get married ‘n be respectable ‘n feel smart ‘n indeependent n’ freee ‘n brave ‘n have fren’s’ll believe it. N’, dey calls priests “Father”. Dat’s reel bad. They think they’s talkin’ to The Spirit of God Who lives in ’em, but you and Ah is’ as good as they is n’ nobody calls us ‘Father’.
2. Der Cat’lic church were ‘vented by The Emperor Constantine in the year 623. Him ‘n the udder early Cat’lics kil’t all the Christians. One Christian escaped n’ he kept Christianity alive. It was Martin Lutter’s great-great gram’paw. He lived in a cave fer forty years ‘n wrote The Bible we use today.
3. The Cat’lic Church is in Rome, what’s got Seven Hills! Acshually, it’s on its own hill that ain’ in the Seven, ‘n ain’ even part of Rome, but tha’ don’ matter. You jes’ tells ’em, real sincere, ‘Tha’rs Seven Hill in Rome ‘n dat’s wh’ar de debbil lives!’
4. The Cat’lic Church is so rich de whole place is made of solid gold. They jes’ paint it grey so’s it look lak it’s old cee-ment! Dey gets a Brinks truck full of gold ever’ day frum pipple who haf’ ter beg, borrow, or steal at least two ounces ob gold n’ send it to The Pope before dey die so’s dey kin buy their way inter Heaven. Dey got ‘mos all de gold in der whole wurld ‘n dey jes’ goes ’round all day pretendin’ ter be poor ‘n holy.
5. Cat’lics take parts of The Bible too serious. Especially that part wh’ar Jesus says “If you don’t eat My Body and drink My Blood you do not have life in you.” Iffin some lapsed Cat’lic asks ’bout that, y’all jes’ tells ’em, ‘That there is an alleygory wha’r it gits real mettaforical ‘n y’all ha’f ter studdy fer years in a senimary ter unnerstan’.
6. Cat’lics don’ unnerstand how ‘mportant it is ter have a ‘close personal reelashunship wif Jesus.’ We unnerstan’ that the minute we gets a “close personal reelashunship wif’ Jesus” we is going straight ter Heaven wiffout having ter to give The Pope two ounces of gold. Once we have, even fer a minute, a “close personal reelashunship wif’ Jesus”, we is guaranteed goin’ straight ter Heaven. None of that purgatorial stuff fer ‘us!
7. N’ , now y’all unnerstan’ why Pastor Big Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism starts out wif a Perfect Baptism. Ahr Perfect Baptism automatically puts them what’s been pr’perly Bapized into a “close personal reelashunship wif’ Jesus! We is saved furever as soon as we be pr’perly Baptized ‘n this is the Only Church on eart’ what does Baptism right ‘n proper, facin’ ever’ direcshun in acshual flowin’ water from The River Jordan at the age of 30!”
Now, you unnerstan’ our Marketin’ Plan ‘n you unnerstan ‘mos all the Talkin’ Points you is ebber gonna need!
Contragulations! You is now Ministers of The Perfect Baptism!”
