All of us here at Schism Seminary are very excited about our new “Make Them Feel Important Services!” It’s time for you to schedule our latest, proven fund-raiser. It is our new “Veterans Outreach for Jesus Ministry”.
Most of the veterans in your congregation have a deep need to be appreciated. On Veteran’s Day, your competitors in the old, small, boring churches may ask Veterans to stand for a brief round of applause.
That’s kid stuff! There’s no money in that.
You, our dear, multi-millionaire Mega-Church ministers, can transform that simple, honest outpouring of respect and affection into Big Money!
We start off with “The Veteran’s March!”
Our Marketing Research has shown that many vets still have their old uniforms.
They love to wear them! Remember, have escorts for “The Veteran’s March!” through your huge sanctuary. Make sure that those suffering from dementia don’t start to wander off in the aisles, and begin screaming “Die, you murdering pig!” while they try to strangle some member of your Mega-Church Family who resembles the enemies of their youth.
For similar reasons, it’s not a good idea to have the veterans march around your huge, amphitheater/sanctuary with rifles on their shoulders or pistols on their hips. If you are forced into an armed parade by large donors anxious to let people see by their uniforms that they had high rank or impressive medals, you must insist that the rifles be unloaded and not have bayonets.
Drummers from your orchestra should walk in front of and behind the veterans. They should wear white shirts and khaki pants. Their march should conclude with your entire orchestra and all of your choirs belting out a stirring rendition of “Over There!” as the “Honor Our Veterans Ceremony” leads to its central focus.
Your goal is to bring tears to the eyes of all, and you have done so!
Then, you, our heroic multi-millionaire Mega-Church Minister, have your time to shine! You stand before the spotlights and upward-pointing cameras below you. You give a stirring speech visible on each of the Big Screens surrounding your Amphitheater/Sanctuary. Your speech begins with Valley Forge ends with wherever our last military activity took place. Keep up to date on that. You don’t want the youngest veterans, or their parents in the pews, feeling that they’ve been forgotten.
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As you do what you do best, your huge multi-media screens intersperse your picture with a four-minute, multi-media panorama of old patriotic paintings and photographs. They include Washington praying at Valley Forge, the flag being raised on Iwo Jima, a few cavalry charges, a wounded guy being carried somewhere on a stretcher, and the usual rows of endless crosses at Arlington. A mushroom cloud fills screens at the end. There’s always money to be made with reminders of looming Armageddon! Keeps ’em scared!
You, our Multimillionaire Mega-Church Minister, will have your picture interspersed with each of these historic moments and people. The right editing has your congregation subconsciously confusing you with every important figure and happening between Jesus Christ, Crusading knights, George Washington, and the end times! Your dream come true!
Then, when your vast congregation is tearfully wallowing in your trumped-up patriotism, you announce your brand new “Veterans Outreach For Jesus Ministry”! When you have finished describing “the great needs of our wounded warriors”, several buglers, dressed in the uniforms of past wars, play “Taps” as your choirs sing along.
By the time you’ve finished, there won’t be a dry eye, or a closed checkbook, in the house.
We, at Schism Seminary, have choreographed and produced this professional fund-raising process. We have the film clips, your Ceremony Director’s marching and singing instructions, and your great speech already written.
We also have the follow-up emails and mailings to drive home the financial needs for your “Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus Ministry“. These vital follow-up messages are shrewd “bayonets in their billfolds”, That’s how The Reverend Dr. Dick Dudewell, known on the Missionary Circuit as “The Pulpit-Poundin’, Preachin’ Professer”, describes his Department’s remarkably effective follow-up communications.
There’s big money to be made in your own “Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus Ministry”. Your Mega-Church deserves its share! Even more, you deserve yours!
Time to order: Schism Seminary, “Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus Ministry” Marketing Plan.”
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More information about Dr. Dick Dudewell from The Lie Committee, on catholicfundamentism.com
