One of the world’s most terrifying ecological dangers is being explored by brave scientists, intellectual mavericks willing to ignore centuries of established thought.
“Evidence has led us to conclude”, reports Dr. U’dumas Hol, from Calcutta Multiversity, “that the earth’s crust is not locked in place.”
His colleague, Dr. Ramjet Singh, a senior Committee member, agreed. “The fact that recent tsunamis may have moved entire islands as much as two kilometers showed that the crust is in a state of flux.”
The two researchers have compiled evidence that indicates the earth’s crust is moving northwards at an increasing rate.
When asked where the crust is going, Dr. Hol explained. “The crust is moving north. Hidden by icecaps, it sinks downward around the North Pole, which we think of as the Polar Land Drain. Then, the crust sinks in a perfectly straight line toward the South Pole in a column of moving, semi-liquified crust material that exactly parallels the axis of the earth.”
While researching their once-bizarre theory, the two researchers believe they have determined that the crust, currently moving northwards at the rate of 12 decameters a year, is replenished by an equal outflow of material beneath the Antarctic icecap.
“The crustal material oozes out at the South Pole, and flows North. The flow of the earth’s crust is very much like the currents in the ocean, except that the Crustal Flow, because of global warming, is accelerating.”
The scientists are seeking grants to determine the force that pushes trillions of tons of crustal material along its established pathways.
“After extensive research, we now believe that this movement of the earth’s crust may be accelerated by global warming. There is no way to tell how much faster it may be beginning to move, but it seems clear, there is no time to waste.”
Their research indicates that within the next several thousand years, possibly sooner, towns in Northern Canada will be sinking down what the usually serious scientists humorously call ‘The Magmatic Esophagus’.
They calculate that Chicago will have moved to the current latitude of Hudson’s Bay, and that Havana, Cuba, will be squarely over Washington, D.C. very quickly, in geological terms, unless something is done to stop global warming.
