Don’t tax you. Don’t tax me. Tax that bird up in the tree.

Some communities try to raise money by taxing more pets. If there is a tax on dogs, a tax on cats is fair, just, and equitable.

Some communities try to raise money by taxing more pets. If there is a tax on dogs, a tax on cats is fair, just, and equitable.

If dogs and cats are taxed, it’s only fair to tax pet birds. Caged birds may spread diseases, and funds must be available for such public health hazards.

It’s just as equitable to tax reptiles. Pythons and anacondas may, at this very moment, be returning to the homes from which they were released. Children may be devoured in their beds by huge, vengeful snakes.

Worse, alligators and crocodiles grow to incredible sizes in sewer systems. Will they attack water treatment plant workers? High taxes on pet reptiles will defray the costs of such tragedies and make the children safer.

Many people keep small pets. Mice, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs, and rabbits must, in the name of equal justice, also be taxed. If these animals escape, they destroy plants, gardens, and fields of grain. They multiply, well, like rabbits. Inside homes, they chew through wires. That causes fires which contribute to global warming. Licenses attached to tiny collars would let careless owners be arrested and heavily fined.

Any pet may cause the next outbreak of bubonic plague. So, every pet should be in a cage, and each cage should be inspected quarterly by certified inspectors. Local colleges must offer classes to educate and certify the staff for a new Bureau of Licensed Cage Inspectors. We must keep the children safe.

Aquarium fish and snails are pets. Each one must be taxed. When released, they destroy native plants and animals. Sensitive citizens are shocked and sickened at the thought of vicious guppies in public waterways. Each aquarium pet should be annually micro-tattooed to prove that its taxes have been paid.

Horses, ponies, and llamas should be taxed by the pound. A dollar a pound seems fair. While pigs, chickens, beef, and dairy cows aren’t technically pets, it would be selfish not to tax them, as well. Leading Democrats and Republicans agree that higher levels of public services are far more important than affordable food.

Some citizens do not own pets. They should pay a No-Pet Tax. When taking the high costs of pet ownership into account, one can easily justify taxing each person who doesn’t own a pet five times more than each pet owner. This will provide tax equity while putting a stop to tax avoidance.

The Pet Tax in all its variations will provide vital public services. Citizens need many more museums, parks, historical sites, environmental centers, wilderness areas, dialogue rooms, and separate biking/hiking trails, each with full time staffs.

Good citizens will welcome these new taxes for true enrichment.