Early, weird Pastor Bobs

Mohammed grew up up in Arabia. He was surrounded by many Somewhat Christian Denominations.  They were invented by early, weird Pastor Bobs. He knew of the Sabellians, whose Pastor Bob was Sibellius. He invented his own, odd theory about The Trinity in contradiction to Catholic teaching.

Sabellian sales missionaries competed with Arians.  Their Pastor Bob was Arius. He insisted Jesus was not the equal of The Father. Both Sibelius and Arius condemned Nestorius, the early, weird Pastor Bob who invented the Nestorians. He taught that not only was the Son less than The Father, but also, that Jesus was only a man. As far as he was concerned, Mary was not The Mother of God.

The Eutychians’ Pastor Bob was Eutyches. They were a branch of the Monophysites. They fought with the Nestorian Pastor Bobs, and with The Catholic Church.  They taught that, while on Earth, Jesus was here only in human form. The Jacobites’ Pastor Bob was Jacobus.  He agreed more with the Monophysites, but kept enough differences to justify their separate and independent income streams. Most of the Somewhat Christians around Mohammed were Jacobites.  By the 600s, the early Protestants in Arabia had gotten most of those pesky Catholics out of the way.

Another group of early, weird Pastor Bobs decided that Mary was The Fourth Person of The Trinity. Their Pastor Bob named the group “Mariamites”, after someone more important than himself, demonstrating an unusual amount of humility among the early, weird Pastor Bobs.

One group of Arabian Christians were mostly women. The Collyridians worshiped Mary and made twisted little cakes, maybe like crescent rolls, in her honor. Their Pastor Bobette quickly saw an opportunity: “Those little cakes are good! Let’s have the women bake them for fund-raisers!”

There was something for everyone in Protestant marketing plans, even back then.  Other groups of Christians called themselves Nazoreans.  They insisted that Jesus was “somewhat divine”.  Their marketing plan was to form a compromise faction.  It appealed to Jacobites and Nestorians who “just wanted to get along”.

The early, weird Pastor Bobs didn’t stop there! Pastor Bobs invented denominations for Corinthians, Maronites, Marcionites and Gnostics. Each marketing plan successfully attracted large numbers of donors.  So did the early, weird Pastor Bobs who invented the Carpocratians, Basilidians, and Valentinians. The last three groups, founded by three different Pastor Bobs, embraced the bizarre notion that Jesus’ divinity was bestowed upon Him by John The Baptist.

One early, weird Pastor Bob converted from Judaism.  He invented the Ebionite version of Christianity.  He kept some Catholic teachings, but insisted that Jesus did not exist before His birth to Mary in Bethlehem. It was a popular religion in the hinterlands. And, there were the Docetes. “Jesus was a phantom, a mere form. He was crucified as an uplifting deception for the benefit of all mankind.”

In the first five hundred years of the Catholic Church, there were dozens, if not hundreds, of Protestant schisms and factions. All were fighting for donors and political power when Mohammed came on the scene. He was very intelligent.  He understood that the immense confusion offered an opportunity for a bloody, religious version of a corporate takeover!  He began his “Corporate Takeover” by rolling up, and over, all the groups who had separated from The Catholic Church.

His followers “rolled up” the Donatists and other Pastor Bobisms in North Africa.  The Moslems’ takeover was stopped in France, by Catholics.

When we understand the damage that the early, weird Pastor Bobs did to early Christendom, smarter people may ask, “Isn’t this excessive number of increasingly divisive Pastor Bobs just as dangerous to us, today?”

Now, there aren’t just dozens and dozens of the early, weird Pastor Bobs. Now, there are 45,000 identifiable schisms! A new one every ten hours! Most of the Pastor Bobs involved would rather die than be in The Only Church Jesus Founded.  All but five or six of them are too afraid of losing members to clearly condemn both abortion and abortion-inducing birth control that kills billions of the tiniest babies.

In every age, Pastor Bobs always ignore the clear words of Jesus about The Only Church He Founded by saying:  “Verily, verily I say unto you thou art Peter and on this rock I build My Church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I give you the keys to The Kingdom of Heaven.”

When we see the continued “roll-up” in once Catholic Europe, we may reasonably ask “Whose side are all those Pastor Bobs on?”