Catholic Fundamentalism just received a confidential copy of a memo sent by the latest and greatest, history-making Pastor Bob #44,001, Internal Memo to his employees.
Pastor Bob #44,001, Internal Memo:
To: Staff:
Thanks to all! You did a Great Job getting our initial marketing plans prepared for our first network appearance yesterday! The phones have been ringing off the hook! Blurs of emails! Actual investment offers from venture capitalists, crowd-source internet fund raisers, family offices, brokerages, and banks with millions to invest!
Even Shark Tank called! “We’ll put you on the show with a couple of the old, stale Pastor Bobs from the old, stale denominations. You’ll eat ’em alive!”
QVC wants to sell our Baptismal Coupons or Kits on TV!
Amazon is listing our brand new, home-based, do-it-yourself, Save Your Own Soul at Home Baptism Package with a few gallons of certified water from The River Jordan. They’ll ship directly to DIYers who want our guaranteed, bathtub-based “Sure-Shot Salvation!” and cut out all those Pastor Bob middlemen! Once you’re properly baptized, you’re saved forever. Who needs to make ongoing contributions?
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The offers have been so overwhelming that The Board of Directors may take The Universal Protestantism Corporation public! Think of it! We’ll all get stock! Options! Founder’s certificates with huge multipliers! Who can argue with that? Not a single one of them. 43,000 competing Pastor Bobisms are going down!
We know this because Market Research has been working with consultants who hired accounting professionals in the non-profit sector. They have concluded that The Universal Protestantism Corp is going to blow most of those old, tired denominations right out of the water! All of them are teetering, financially. We pick off the top 5-10% of their donors, and they can’t keep their doors open! We’re going to do to the stale, boring Pastor Bobs and Bobisms the same thing tractors did to saddle, bridle, and harness makers! They’re going down!
We are the new, broadband, internet, MARVELOUS MODERN, MONEY-MAKING MARKETING MIRACLE! This is finally where business meets Protestantism and Protestantism becomes the big business it was meant to be!
The real miracle is that not one other Pastor Bob in history has ever invented such a brilliant, universal marketing plan! Short, sweet, and to the point. It was a stroke of genius: “Jesus was baptized at 30. If you aren’t baptized at 30 or after, your baptism doesn’t count! If you want to be like Jesus, you simply must be baptized at the right age, in the right water from The River Jordan. And, that water has to be flowing!”
Will we get their smartest members? Sure! Would anyone with a three-digit IQ trust their immortal soul to some boring, outdated, not overly bright Pastor Bob busily babbling about “Sola this and Sola that”? People are bored with all that complicated stuff about “Once saved, always saved”, “full immersion” and “We believe in Jesus and The Bible!” We’re blowing them out of business with our simple, disruptive Jesus-like Baptism with a Money-Back Guarantee.
As one wealthy investor said, “Out of 44,000 ambitious men who have invented Protestant schisms, you are the only Pastor Bob to come up with a broad-based, Salvation-centered Marketing Plan that has to be believed by anyone who wants to be like Jesus! You’ve done better than Luther, Calvin, and Jimmy Swaggart all rolled into one! What a man! What a plan! Where can I buy stock?”
