Invent your own schism! Part 12

Dr. Danny Dorkerdump is a bright light in The Schism Seminary Department of Theological Marketing. At our recent Seminar for Mega-church Ministers, Dr. Dorkerdump addressed several hundred of the world’s most important, and most successful, owners and operators of their own, personal schisms and mega-churches.

It was impressive. Nearby airports were thronged with the Personal Lockheed Mission Jets in which dozens of our more successful graduates arrived. Local motels, hotels, and even our dorm rooms were packed with personal pilots, stewardesses, and flight crews. Finance and fund-raising experts met in separate seminars.

Those who weren’t yet able to afford their own Personal Lockheed Mission Jets arrived by chauffeured limousine. Frankly, some were rented, but Schism Seminary grads are taught the importance of putting on a good front. They learned well, and we expect great schisms and huge mega-churcheds from all of them. Dinner at the Ritz Carlton was followed by Dr. Danny Dorkerdump’s keynote speech, “Cash in! Get Catholics to join your schism.” Excerpts follow:

First of all, don’t waste a lot of time on older Catholics. Most of them don’t have any money and spend what they have just getting by. The Catholics we want in our schisms are young, in their teens, twenties, and thirties. Our studies show that the easiest Catholics to get are the ones who are divorced. Most of them are too cheap or lazy to get an annulment, but they still believe that “Church is important”. They are, quite frankly, too ignorant to care which church they’re in, as long as they are going to church. “God wants me to go to church. He does not care where I go, as long as I go.” Incredibly, they are often nodding wisely as they say that. That is all the smarter they are. You will be appalled! Amazed!

Most Catholics have actually had some knowledge of their Catechism. Still, some of them are easy to convince. Two simple Talking Points will help:

1. “Here, in America, we have freedom of religion.” Amazingly, that will actually prompt some of the simpler Catholics, especially if they’re in mixed marriages, divorced, or separated, to think about leaving The Catholic Church “because we’re free”.

2. If the first talking point is followed by puzzlement, explain kindly, “You should be thinking for yourself, not be dictated to by some Pope who’s not even mentioned in The Bible.” Some will be surprised! “Huh?”, they will say in amazement. “The Pope is not mentioned in The Bible.” You patiently explain, “No! There is not one word about the Pope. So, how can we take it seriously? ” Now, there is a danger here! A smarter Catholic might know that “Jesus said ‘Thou art Peter and on this rock I build My Church.’ Even though the name ‘Pope’ wasn’t mentioned, Jesus did put one person in charge of The Only Church He founded.’ Do you know what you say, then? “That is certainly one opinion.” Then, you walk away. There is no point in talking to such people! Your job: Identify the smarter ones and ignore them! Never argue. Never!

In two, simple steps you open the door to incredible cash flows. How so? Catholics always worry about sin. Once you enlighten them, and make them understand that sin is expiated by donations to your own group, the money will start rolling in!

That, my dear multi-millionaire Mega-church Ministers, is how you can get your very own Personal Lockheed Mission Jet! Or, if you already have one, start thinking about setting up your own franchise operations. Consider the advantages of branches in other areas. Think McDonalds! Burger King! Wendys! Thousands of franchise outlets! That could be YOU. As you become successful, you may find that one of the big, shiny Boeings is what you need!

All the Mega-Church multi-millionaire ministers were glad they attended! Hope you can review the meeting and attend in the future. Invent your own Schism! Part 12 An important part of your personal growth.