So, you’ve decided to take the Big Step. You are going to start your own schism! You aren’t going to be #2 or #3 or #4! You are going to be #1! Good for you! You are going to have people to boss around, money to raise, things to do!
Recall your predecessors. Martin Luther, John Calvin, Joseph Smith, the great schism-masters of the past. You are going to be like them! Remember one thing. Successful schism-inventors all have one thing in common. They don’t like the Catholic Church.
Why don’t they like The Only Church Jesus Founded? No good schism-master likes the Catholic Church. It expects its priests and bishops to be celibate, and obedient. Some take vows of poverty. What fun is that? Did you take all these risks and work so hard to start your new schism so you could be poor, celibate, and obedient? Of course not!
What’s the point of having your own schism, and the huge cash flows and flocks of admiring followers that go with it, if you don’t get anything out of it? You can have some fun in life. You’ve earned it!
If you happen to feel a twinge of guilt about having so much more than others, don’t worry about it. Why have your own schism if you don’t benefit, personally? I mean, you could just as well wear a Timex as a Rolex. But, you have higher aspirations. You know how to spell “Patek Philippe”.
So, don’t listen to those Catholics about priests who promise to be obedient and celibate. And, maybe, poor. None of that for you!
You know what some people will do? They will look at you and your Personal Lockheed Mission Jet, it’s pilot, crew, and stewardesses. Then, they will compare you to some Catholic priest. People who don’t understand how important you are will make you out to be vain, selfish, and greedy. “Father Joe, over at St. Christopher’s can barely afford a car. He’s on call all the time for last rites, and he doesn’t have a Personal Lockheed Mission Jet and three pretty stewardesses.”
So, you have to be slightly, but not blatantly, anti-Catholic. Don’t be obvious! Just enough to make people think “Those Catholics are a little extreme. Better watch out for them.” You can tell the more ignorant people in your mega-church that “Catholics worship Mary and the saints. They believe in false Gods.” Nod wisely and look very sincere when you say that. Make it seem that you would like to “help”, somehow, and are trying to figure out what you can do.
Better yet, organize the ex-Catholics in your flock. Some are angry with The Church for not letting them divorce and remarry as often as they like. Others are eager to show that they are “independent thinkers”! Encourage them to let people know “The Church hates freedom.” And, “Bright people make Catholics nervous.”
Never mention Mary. Especially, never refer to Mary as “The Mother of God”. Catholics do that all the time. You don’t want that! Make it seem like Mary had lots of children and that she’s no different than the working soccer moms in your giant, super church. Don’t talk very much, if at all, about the way Mary sacrificed her own aspirations for God and her family!
Why not talk about Mary? Mary took care of Jesus, full time. You don’t want your mega-church moms taking care of their children full time. You want them working! Working moms can be bullied into tithing. Who is going to pay for your Lockheed Mission Jet? A few thousand working mothers in your giant Mega-Church!
Invent your own schism! Part 3 Hope you’ve enjoyed this little lesson!
