You have your schism up and running! You’ve built a huge, new building, and the money is rolling in! You’ve set up a couple of overseas “Mission Outposts” for your church and have discovered that not one Customs Inspector has ever checked to see what you are bringing in or out of the country in your personal Lockheed Mission Jet.
Oddly, the pilot, ground crews, and the stewardesses on your personal Lockheed Mission Jet already seem to know that. We talk more about the income possibilities that presents in the Postgraduate Courses at Schism Seminary. You can’t afford to miss those classes!
Schism Seminary can help with other problems. Just imagine that one of your original supporters, a big donor, has suddenly begun to ask questions. He has been reading, on his own, and wants to know why you don’t have Communion at Victory Family Non-denominational Evangelical Old-Time Bible Church.
Your professors at Schism Seminary have learned the hard way. We know you should avoid anything that looks like Communion. So, we show you how to explain to them very slowly and seriously, “We focus on Jesus. And, we focus on the family. We must not let anything get in the way of that! It’s our mission!” That will generally keep them quiet.
But, a tiny percentage of your congregation is smart enough to realize there’s no real connection between many Bible teachings and your personal schism. You do not want them asking other congregants, “Jesus said ‘If you do not eat My Body and drink My Blood you do not have life in you.’ Don’t we need to have Communion?” It might get some of them thinking.
Your professors at Schism Seminary have run into this problem and know the solution. If it looks like some of them might leave for another schism, you may consider offering communion at a “special service”. If you must have “communion services” be sure to use grape juice. Not wine. That’s too direct a connection with what those Catholics have been doing since The Last Supper. Don’t want to remind them. “Wine into Blood. Bread into Body.” Steer clear of that! You especially want to avoid having them make this connection: “You, pastor, are not ordained in a living link connected to the apostles to whom Jesus provided Holy Orders. Does that mean I am in a man-invented schism? Am I ignoring Jesus?”
Some people may ask “What do we say to people who say Jesus only founded one church, on Peter. Isn’t that The Catholic Church?”
That sort of thinking has to be stopped before it gets started. So, leave some of those comic books that tell how evil the Catholic Church is in the restrooms. Get some of your more loyal members, not bright enough to ask the same questions, to put them under windshield wipers in your acres and acres of parked cars. And, when you get the requests for donations from the sound, professional anti-Catholics who put out the endless little comic books and anti-Catholic tracts, be generous! It’s important to be sure that your young people have them, as well. Don’t want them wandering off, just because they’ve been reading the Bible. Give them some to pass out in their schools, too. They are an important part of the entire schismatic movement.
People asking serious questions about faith mean one thing: You haven’t been keeping them busy enough. Get them out feeding the homeless. Find some nearby urban bridges where homeless people occasionally sleep. Leave bottles of cheap wine where they can be easily found. A few blankets. Maybe, some grocery carts. Soon, a couple of dozen homeless people will start to call it “home”. When you have a reliable, easily accessible group of homeless people, you can send idealistic congregants out with food. They will go on and on about how “At Victory Family Non-denominational Evangelical Old Time Bible Church, we feed the homeless!”
Have lots of luncheons. Give prizes for table decorations. Have cooking contests. And, have Bible Study. Only study the simple stuff. Focus on mindless blather like “Do you know The Lord? Do you really know The Lord?” And, “Have you been loving your neighbor? Have you been loving your neighbor as much as you should?” Of course they haven’t. Make them write lists of what they can do better. Pass them around. Grade each other. Have each feel guilty, but forgiven. That’s what successful schism-mongering is all about!
Schism Seminary includes two semesters on “Keeping them Busy!” We have classes in everything you need!
Invent your own schism! Part 5 Hope it’s been helpful! Don’t forget, there are discounts for early enrollment!
