Confidential memorandum:
The scholars and theologians here at Schism Seminary strive to provide opportunities for the Schism Leaders of Tomorrow. We are called to meet their needs. To do so, Schism Seminary has ongoing psychological analysis of the ambitious men and women who attend our fine Institution.
“What,” we continually ask, “drives a person to start their own schism?” We need to know how our faculty here at Schism Seminary can better attract and help the “Schismatic Personality” grow and develop. We identify the thoughts, feelings, and desires that separate Schismatic Leaders from the common clergypersons who serve in schisms invented by others.
Our surveys, interviews, and studies showed that Schismatic Leaders need a lot more attention than most. “Look at me!” is the universally underlying theme of almost everything they think, say, and do. Clinical responses showed that, when presented with the opportunity to talk in front of a television camera, the “happy” parts of their brains lit up like a Christmas tree. The happy glow that showed clearly on their brain scans drove out almost every other thought, feeling, and emotion.
We knew that our most successful Schism Seminary Graduates needed more attention than most. But, we were surprised by one aspect of our research. That deep desire for attention was accompanied by a less obvious feeling: Not only did they feel “I am better than other people.”, they also felt very deeply: “I am much better than other people.”
That was a surprise.
We wondered how anyone who thought they were so much better than other people could find satisfaction in having his “lessers” admire him? Our most successful Schism Seminary Graduates were leading thousands and thousands of people whom they basically despised. It just didn’t make sense.
It still doesn’t. More research is necessary.
