We just heard this. Is this a true story?
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
I do not know what to do. I asked Pastor Bob if he would Baptize me at his Church of The Perfect Baptism. He has the patented Baptismal Font that looks just like a short section of The River Jordan where Jesus was Baptized! Actual water shipped over from The River Jordan is circulated between the sandy banks at the same speed it flows in The River Jordan.
My care-giver talked to Pastor Bob on the phone, explained that I didn’t have long to live, and mentioned I owned part of my family’s restaurant. Pastor Bob came right over to discuss my Baptism.
He took one look at me and said; “I can’t Baptize you. You must weigh 600 pounds! There’s no way we can immerse you in our very expensive Baptismal Font!”
Well, I do not weigh 600 pounds. I am down to 575. For me and my freakish glandular disorder, that’s very good. It wasn’t good enough for Pastor Bob. “We’d have to rent a forklift to lower you into the water! Our stage won’t support a forklift carrying 600 pounds! You could collapse the entire Baptismal Font!”
I had seen pastors on TV talking about how important it was to be Baptized. I wanted to go to Heaven, too! “Can’t you just sprinkle some water on me? Can you just pour some water on me? Do I have to have full immersion to be Baptized?”
Pastor Bob was firm. “Yes! Our denomination is the only Denomination whose believers go to Heaven. If you want to be Baptized, you must lose at least three or four hundred pounds so we can provide our Perfect Baptism!”
I explained: My doctor has warned me that I could pass away any time. I need to be Baptized!”
“Too bad. The Only Valid Baptism is by Full Immersion in water from The River Jordan in The Church of The Perfect Baptism. Full Immersion or Damnation!”
