Jimmy was in the fifth grade at Roosevelt Elementary. During his Environmental Studies class, young Master Smith was happily chawing on a small piece of Double-Bubble. Its pink sweetness distracted him from the dire threats to humanity posed by clouds of methane emitted by Australia’s large population of sheep.
Suddenly, he noticed Miss Grace Johnson two rows away. Jimmy and Grace had been in earlier grades for five years. Suddenly, for some unknown reason, he was so struck by her beauty that he swallowed his half piece of bubble gum. He choked.
Immediately, he was taken to the school nurse. By that time the gum had been swallowed. “We can’t take any chances!” Principal Worriman said. “He has to go to the hospital.”
With the echoes of the ambulance siren still echoing, Principal Worriman was on the phone to Burger, Berger, and Berg. “I tell you, he swallowed the gum. It may not pass. An operation may be necessary. He’ll be at the hospital soon.”
In seconds, the three attorneys were on the way. “We are the plaintiff’s attorneys!” they announced to emergency room personnel.
“We know. We see you every day.”
“This is different! A child’s life may be at stake. Unauthorized foodstuffs, clearly banned, may have been ingested. We must be sure they pass.”
A conference was convened with hospital administrators. Young Jimmy Smith was put in a private room. Round-the-clock watchers were assigned.
“What are they doing?” curious personnel asked.
“He swallowed his bubble gum. They are watching to see if it will pass.”
“Why?”
“If it passes, they intend to sue for hours spent on the case. If the gum does not pass, they will sue because Jimmy Smith will have absorbed substances that may be known to be possibly carcinogenic.”
For seven days, Jimmy Smith lay in bed, immobilized. No food was allowed. He was fed with a tube that dripped sugar water into his veins. Each day, inspections were made to determine whether or not the bubble gum had passed.
Finally, the attorneys demanded an operation. “It may still be in there, causing undeniable blockage.”
Jimmy was put to sleep. An incision was made. His abdomen was opened ever wider when no gum was found in his stomach. “We must be sure there is no gum in his small intestine.” Then, the cut was expanded to be sure the gum had not lodged in his large intestine.
“Open his appendix.” chorused Burger, Berger, and Berg. “Maybe it’s in there.”
No gum.
During the five hour operation, Jimmy was infected. Two days later, he died.
At the funeral, Principal Worriman was asked to speak.
“We did everything we could.” he said.
He did not mention his call to Burger, Berger, and Berg. Nor did he bring up the referral fee he was wont to collect when such cases resulted in large cash disbursements.
