Pastor Pitstop wrote to let us know that he was concerned because people were criticizing Protestants for dividing, splitting, and fragmenting so frequently. And, he wanted to tell us know that there were plenty of things wrong with The Catholic Church. In fact, he pointed out a theological flaw in Catholicism that many Protestants might like to examine.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
Some of you Catholics make fun of us Protestants because we have so many denominations and separate groups. First of all, there aren’t that many separate Protestants. There are fewer than 35,000 separate, Protestant groups. There are 20,000 high schools in America. There are barely two independent, separate Protestant denominations serving each high school. There are four laundromats in every high school district, and no one makes fun of people in the laundromat business for having so many different laundromats.
So, why do you make fun of us Protestants? I’ll tell you why. Our theological enemies, the mega-churches and The Catholic Church, are jealous of us. They aren’t independent.
Local mega-church people fall all over themselves doing whatever Minister Mack says. Last week, he borrowed a fire truck and fifty of them went down the streets, washing people’s cars for free with the its fire hose. Blew in the side windows and ruined my Jeep’s upholstery. And, the hose was only long enough to let them wash the street side of the cars. Silly. And, I don’t know where I’m going to find matching upholstery. And, I don’t know who’s going to pay for it. Seems that Minister Mack’s insurance policy specifically excludes damages caused by “Poorly planned good works gone astray”.
The Catholics are just as bad. They don’t do anything but play bingo and have festivals and go to Mass every week. Frankly, we could use a little bit more of that around here. Going to church every week, I mean. Sometimes, I’m preaching to a lot of empty, but padded, pews. But, I certainly don’t want any bingo. Sinful. Those Catholics make a big deal out of being Pro-Life and then they say it’s all right to play bingo.
Really. You’d think they’d know better. Our church may not protest abortion, but we certainly do not play bingo. I leave it to you to choose which is the morally superior position. Hope some reader calls the District Attorney. Bingo has to be against some law or another. Not like abortion.
Abortion is perfectly legal and we are a church that believes in obeying the law, even though a few of our older congregants feel that “Thou Shalt Not Kill” refers to unborn babies, as well. When they tell me that, sometimes with tears in their eyes, I nod, very sincerely, like I learned in Seminary, and say very slowly and thoughtfully, “I certainly can see why you feel that way.” Then, still nodding ponderously as if I cared about what some hyper-sensitive, out-of touch nincompoop thinks about anything, I walk away, slowly and thoughtfully. Nodding slowly until I’m out of sight.
People forget that it’s important to have lots of little churches that can adapt to changing times. Just the other day, I was talking with the former pastor of Mutterly Independent Baptist. That brilliant Bible scholar determined that adults could, in the winter, be baptized in heated swimming pools instead of the nearby river.
“It was a theological breakthrough!”, Reverend Mr. Donnie Brooke, told me on a recent visit soliciting funds for a giant motor home with which he could evangelize traveling campers while providing himself and his family with a place to live. “We didn’t have people dying of pneumonia a few weeks after being immersed in the river. Why? Because my church cared! It’s what Jesus would have done. The dependent and semi-independent Baptists didn’t like it much, I can tell you. They threatened us with excommunication, but we were already gone!”
And, it is unfortunately true. Mutterly Independent Baptist is closed, now. A real shame. It was a happy, vibrant place. Another church, maybe two or three, will spring up to fill the need.
That’s the wonderful thing about Protestant churches. They spring up faster than dandelions. Hope none of them spring up within five or ten miles of here.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis Pitstop
