Pastor Travis Pitstop thought he was going to be fired. As you may remember, Pastor Pitstop had “invested” his Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church’s entire Roofing Fund in a scam invented by that notorious Reverend, Donnie Brooke.
Reverend Brooke claimed to have heard a “call” to evangelize wealthy Recreational Vehicle owners. He had talked Pastor Pitstop into paying $10,000.00 for advertisements to very rich RV owners who, Reverend Brooke promised, are “always looking for good, solid churches to support as they drive their huge motor homes around the country.”
Pastor Pitstop’s Board was initially outraged. What kept him from being fired? Amazingly, it was Catholic Fundamentalism. This astonishing letter from him just arrived:
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
As you know, I see the Catholic Church as a real threat to us Protestants. You’re always going on about “The Real Body and Blood” and having sins forgiven by celibate priests who actually have the power to do so. You think you’re so much better. Well, you know what really rubs me the wrong way? That obelisk in the Vatican’s front yard. Why should you get a genuine, really old Egyptian obelisk and not us Padded-Pew Perkmistianists? That’s what I’d like to know!
Well, I hate to admit it, but you guys really helped me. Our Church’s Board, led by that terrible, whining woman, Nancy Pickee, CPA, was about to fire me. Just because I’d invested our entire Roofing Fund in Reverend Donnie Brooke’s RV Ministry. How was I to know he was a crook? I ask you, how was I to know?
Well, there are seventy families remaining in my church. There are 12 people on the Board. Seven wanted to fire me. One of the others, Chester Walker, had actually been reading the letters I’ve been sending to you people at Catholic Fundamentalism. He spoke on my behalf:
“Before we vote, I want you to know that out of the hundreds of thousands of Protestant clergy in the United States, only our brave Pastor, Travis T. Pitstop, dares to defend the Protestant Establishment. He has written over a dozen letters to Catholic Fundamentalism in defense of Protestantism. Not one other minister in the United States has dared to do so.”
The other Board members stared blankly at me. Clearly, the stunned look of a pole-axed steer was on each face. “What! I don’t believe it! Look at his shirt! This man can’t get the right button in the right hole!”, that awful Nancy Pickee, CPA, screeched. “If he didn’t have a clip-on tie, he couldn’t wear one!”
“Still, right or wrong, our Pastor Pitstop is the only Protestant Minister or Ministerette in the whole United States defending the Protestant Movement against the Catholics and all their Sacraments, history, and authority. Our Pastor Pitstop even dares to speak out against the massive Mega-Churches that are destroying our neighborhood churches.”
“He’s not that smart!”, said Nancy Pickee, CPA, a little less shrilly.
Chester replied, in an impressive monotone. “I never said he was. Those Catholic Fundamentalism people shoot down every point he makes. He’s like one of those inflatable clowns. No matter how hard they hit him, no matter how wrong they show him to be, he pops up and comes back for more. I admit that I’ve been thinking about becoming a Catholic, which is why I follow Catholic Fundamentalism. I have seen with my own eyes that it is our own Pastor Pitstop who is the only Protestant Preacher in America standing up for Protestantism. He’s rarely right, but he doesn’t let that stop him.”
There was an obvious change in attitude, from everyone but Nancy Pickee, CPA, and one of her supporters. The motion asking for my resignation was withdrawn. What a relief! I still have a job!
So, I’ve been asked to keep writing to you people at Catholic Fundamentalism. Don’t think I’m going to start going easy on you, you, you, you Papists, even though I realize that without The Catholic Church, I would not have a job.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis Pitstop
His letter was read aloud to our Editorial Board. We all realized that he had missed the deeper truth within his final sentence.
