Letter #16 from a Protestant minister:

You may remember that Pastor Pitstop first believed there were Three Necessary Sacraments, Baptism, Marriage, and Friendliness.

Then, he realized that it was not “Friendliness” but “Cleanliness” that is next to Godliness.”  Now, he is deciding if Cleanliness is a necessary Fourth Sacrament.  He describes the theological concerns involved.

Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:

I have to admit, I was confused.  I thought the old saying was “Friendliness is next to Godliness.”  Then, I remembered, it’s  “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.”  Do we need to add Cleanliness to Baptism, Marriage, and Friendliness?  I really think we do.

No one wants smelly people in their church.  I remember that Senator Reid put in huge air conditioning and deodorizing systems so that smelly tourists wouldn’t stink up the United States Capitol Building.  Surely, we ministers and ministerettes have just as much right to be unoffended as important Senators and Representatives.

Face facts.  A lot of people just don’t bathe often enough.  Once, I forget to lock the door after Sunday services.  A dozen homeless people snuck in and stayed all week.  When I opened up on Sunday morning, the place smelled worse than old socks!

You know what Minister McMacMack does when smelly people try to go to his Mighty Mountain Mega-Church?  He has them strapped in grocery carts and run through one of his car washes.  Well, my church can’t afford a car wash.  Neither can a lot of others.

That’s why I think Cleanliness is important enough to be the Fourth Sacrament for Completed Protestants.  I mean, we are told to love the poor, and I do.  I just don’t want them hanging around, smelling up the place.  After all, it is a church.  Without a car wash.

That’s just one more reason to avoid you Catholics.  Your bishops and priests confuse things by going around and washing poor people’s feet.  What ‘s that all about?  You can’t wash them all.  Either you want smelly churches, or you don’t. 

Therefore, I, with the power invested in me as an ordained Perkmistianist Minister, have decided that Cleanliness is the Fourth Sacrament for Completed Protestants.  Four Sacraments are necessary.  Baptism, Marriage, Friendliness, and Cleanliness.  That’s one more proof that you Catholics are wrong about, well, everything.


Pastor Travis Pitstop

We were, as usual, amazed, but enlightened.  One of our junior editors was the last to read Pastor Pitstop’s letter as it was passed around the table.  “I never knew that Protestant ministers would think they had the right to invent their own Sacraments!”, he said in the stunned amazement that accompanied many of Pastor Pitstop’s epistles.  “If they think they have the right to invent their own Sacraments, why, they can believe anything!”