This is the second letter this week from our dear friend, Pastor Pitstop. Now, Pastor Pitstop wants to let us know that he feels very insulted. Some Catholic woman mentioned to him that she thought he was a “zombie”. He is upset.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
Some rude, insulting Catholic woman has hurt my feelings. I mean, she really hurt my feelings. Right out in public. Do you know what she did? Well, it was after I attended the Area Pastoral Council monthly meeting “Stop the War on Women” at the YWCA. After the meeting, I had a nice workout in their Fitness Center.
Some Catholic woman was on the treadmill next to me. She was attractive and we struck up a conversation. That’s one of the nicest things about the Y’s Fitness Center. The treadmills are great places to meet people. That’s where I met my second wife. Well, we were talking, and I mentioned that I was a minister.
She asked where. I explained that I was the area’s Senior Pastor of the Second Independent United Reform Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church. She actually snickered. I couldn’t believe it. “Is there something wrong with that?”, I asked, and I can tell you, there was a definite edge to my voice.
“Oh, you Protestants. Always thinking you’re such hot stuff. Really. I think you’re zombies.”
“Zombies!” I blurted. “That’s a new one!”
“Well, what else could you be? Jesus said, ‘If you do not eat My Body and drink My Blood, you do not have life in you.’ You don’t receive Communion in a Catholic Church. That’s the only place that provides the Precious Body and Blood of our Savior. If the very Jesus Whom you say is God says you don’t have life in you, how can you deny being a zombie?”
I was outraged. And, you know what? While I was trying to think of something to say, that smart-mouthed young Catholic woman just walked away. She just walked away. I saw her do it. I was too astonished to take my eyes off her. I was too distracted to think of anything to say. She just walked away.
Then, do you know what she did? She turned around, right in front of everyone, and said, “You Protestants are the reason there’s all those zombie movies and shows on TV. They’re all about you!”
Don’t you Catholics have any manners? An attractive, young Catholic woman called me a “zombie” and then, just walked away.
You should straighten these people out. Have them show some respect. Really. Is that too much to ask? Respect?
I’m not a zombie!
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
