Pastor Pitstop is very concerned. He feels that God made us all in His image. He has developed the theory that all of us are equal. He is somewhat upset that Catholic priests are more respected than Protestant clergy. That, he lets us know with great feeling, is wrong.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
It just sickens me, and all the Protestant clergymen and clergymenettes whom I know, that you Catholic priests are more respected than we are. We are just as good as you are. Sure, we don’t take vows of obedience. We obey our own consciences. My second wife and I agreed that it was best that each of us did “what we felt was right” rather than obey a lot of old rules written back in the Iron Age.
It was a wonderful ceremony. On the beach. In Hawaii. I couldn’t afford it, but I said, “Hey! You’re only middle-aged once!” None of my children came. Neither did hers. “So what?”, we agreed. “We’ll have our own.” And, we did. The first few years weren’t bad. Didn’t much like three more children, but, we got through it.
I know. When we were divorced, she thought I was wrong, but I explained that if “doing what I felt was right” was all that I needed to feel in order to marry her, then, what more did I need for divorcing her? Who could argue with that?
Well, she could. And, her lawyers. They argued! They thought they were going to get my pension. Well, they thought they’d get half of it. “It’s a community property state.” they said.
Surprise! It wasn’t there! The Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Synod President had used our pensions to meet staff payroll, bonuses, and, of course, the Synod pensions. Their pensions were untouchable, protected by the Perkmistianist Constitution, an ancient document, ratified and honored since the Church’s very beginning, back in the 1870s. Too bad our dedicated preacher pensions weren’t protected! But, they weren’t. Anyway, she got nothing.
And, since I lived in a manse, she couldn’t get that, either. She did get our twelve year old Volvo, her clothes, and, of course, the three children. My salary was so low that I didn’t even have to pay child support! The court asked me if I could get another job, or part time work, to do my part in taking care of my children. “I am a Christian Clergyman!” I exclaimed in outrage. “There is no way that I should be expected to demean myself by worldly endeavors.”
I remember the Judge giving me a particularly nasty look. But, what could he do? Can’t get blood from a stone!
The important thing was that I did what I felt was right. A Catholic priest in those circumstances wouldn’t even have been married once. Some people think that’s an advantage. But, I ask you, who is better fit to deal with the endless details facing divorcing members of a congregation, me or some Catholic priest who’s never been in a Divorce Court?
Really. My advice to divorcing people will be far better than his. He’ll just encourage people to “stick it out” and “get through the rough patches” and “think of the children.” Well, a lot of people don’t want to be bothered with all that. I’ve had two go-arounds with bitter, angry ex-wives and their attorneys. I know a lot. In fact, I sometimes think I should start my own Mega-Church. Just for divorced people. Lots of possibilities!
My experience proves that I am just as good as any priest. Just as good. Maybe, better.
Sincerely, Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
