Little Fred is in his nineties. He’s told his staff: “I have to think about retiring. I’m working on a Succession Plan for Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!”
Every executive’s eyes got big! “I hope Little Fred will ordain me as his successor!”
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The Chief Financial Officer, Dr. Sherman Skidmore, was a possible replacement. He knew how much Little Fred was making. And, he knew which of the Division Managers at Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. was the best fund-raiser.
He knew where the money came from! More importantly, he knew where it went! Even more importantly, he could keep his mouth shut. He knew how important it was to keep everyone, including State and Federal tax examiners, from finding out about Little Fred’s real salary, bonuses, and expenses!
Dr. Skidmore’s accounting experience let him make the amazing discovery: “The truth is that every assistant minister and youth pastor in every Protestant denomination is stuck in a dead-end job! The old ministers rarely retire!
“There’s no place for the younger Profiteers of Protestantism to go! The only way young Protestant clergy can get ahead is to start their own church and take as many donors as they can from their old church!
“If any of them are smart enough to be a threat to the Senior Minister’s job, they end up getting sent to ‘The Mission Field’! That’s a dead end for any Profiteer of Protestantism’s career! They end up out of direct contact with rich American donors! We, at Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. provide anyone bright enough to understand that with the start-up financing they need for their own church!”
Dr. Skidmore had pioneered “Mezzanine Financing” to help Protestant clergy start their own churches. Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. would provide funds to ambitious assistant ministers able to take part of their current congregation to their new church. “Ambitious assistant ministers! Money-hungry Youth Pastors! That’s where the big money is! We charge them 18% interest for their Mezzanine Financing!
“On top of that, we demand 2% of their gross revenue in permanent Licensing Fees for whichever Protestant Marketing Plan they choose to use!”
Sherman Skidmore could not keep from cackling as he rubbed his hands together.
Truly, Dr. Sherman Skidmore was an important part of Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!
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Two Executive Vice Presidents were in the running. Reverend Harry Berry ran the New Denomination Development Group. His resume was impressive!
His organization had invented the incredibly profitable “Church of The Perfect Baptism“! He had been even more successful with the “Six Day Plus One or Two Adventisters”. Financial results from his newest Marketing Plan, “The Real Church of Jesus/God INTERGALACTICO!” were not yet available. But, the number of new Franchisees was said to be growing!
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Another bright star in Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. was Minister Frankie Flackmeister. He ran The Denominational Upgrade Division. Older Protestant denominations were always “out of touch” with new ideas and the latest, most relevant theologies. Minister Flackmeister and his team of dedicated “Flacksters” invented Protestant Marketing Plan Upgrades for the stale Protestant denominations more than four or five years old. The key to his success?
“We get new money from new donors without losing money from old donors!”
He understood the financial foundation of modern Protestant denominations: “Urban Catholics have been fleeing the cities for fifty years. Our major growth areas are in the next rings of suburban and rural areas. There aren’t many Catholic Churches in those areas. But, many Catholics are so poorly taught that they think any Church with a Cross is the same as Catholic!
“Sometimes, 30% of Protestant congregations are lapsed Catholics. That’s where the only money is! If we run out of lapsed Catholics, all of Protestantism is going down the drain! Our studies show the only places with demographics that have enough lapsed Catholics to support our new Marketing Plan Churches!”
Some thought that Little Fred might appoint Frankie Flackmeister and Herry Berry “Co-Presidents” of Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp..
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The head of the Legal Department could not be overlooked. “My Department makes sure that Global Protestant Marketing Plan Corp. gets all the Patent, Trademark, and Copyright Protection we need! Good ideas are meaningless without Intellectual Property Protection!”
Attorney Jerry Rig was able to obtain Patent Protection, for instance, on the Multi-Directional Baptismal Crane! Every “Church of The Perfect Baptism” used their patented Multi-Directional Baptismal Crane. It guarantees Baptizees that they are facing upstream, downstream, and sideways while being Baptized.
That way, Baptizees could be guaranteed that they were “Being Baptized just like Jesus!” Actual water was shipped in from The River Jordan!
Attorney Rig was proud: “The Church of The Perfect Baptism” is surrounded by a ‘wall’ of Engineering Patents!”
And, there were many Design Patents on the duplicated sections of The River Jordan. Some patents covered palm trees. Others did not. These huge Baptismal Fonts replaced Protestant pulpits and Catholic Tabernacles as the focal point of that new denomination’s churches.
Jerry Rig obtained Registered Trademark Protection on the key phrase: “Be Baptized just like Jesus!”
Attorney Rig also got “Fair use” Protection on the long, cotton T-Shirts that were the only article of clothing allowed to be worn by Baptizees. “That’s a big boost to attendance!”
He noticed that clients watched videos of pretty girls being baptized over and over and over!
He also had patents on the Rotating Pulpit used in the middle of “The Real Church of God” churches. They were built in the form of go-cart raceways. “You invent it, I protect it!”, he was fond of telling the other Executives.
Videos extolling “The Real Church of God” were popular. They showed the Franchise Owner/Minister standing on the Patented Rotating Pulpit. He blew a cross-shaped Golden Whistle (patent pending) as the Rotating Pulpit spun him around to follow his congregation’s “Personal Race to Heaven” as the fleet of roaring go-carts zoomed ’round and ’round!
“This is a lot more fun than listening to boring sermons that we could write by ourselves!” their congregations agreed.
Attorney Jerry Rig was a man to be reckoned with! “I hope he can’t invent a way to take over Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!”, whispered worried executives.
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Little Fred let everyone know: “I am close to making a decision!” The offices on every floor of their Madison Avenue building are abuzz!
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The odd novel “Crats!” is free on catholicfundamentalism.com
