There are two reasons for Protestant missions. One is to get rid of competitors for the dwindling number of prosperous Protestant pulpits. “It took me a long time to get hired here at First Evangelical Bible Pentecostal, and I don’t want one of my ambitious Ministerial Assistants taking my job away from me. One of them’s been talking to wealthy people in the congregation, and I don’t like it! I want him in Nicaragua. Sumatra! Africa! Anywhere but here.”
Many want to learn more about Protestant missions. There may be inducements of which the supporters are not aware that prompt missionary outreach.
Another reason for Protestant missions comes from leaders of poor nations. Some leaders want to confuse Catholics so that priests and bishops are less able to interfere in local politics. Dictators have problems. “It’s hard to keep my supporters in line. They want money, property, and women. If I can’t give them what they want, the same people who helped me take over the government will throw me under the bus! Those meddling priests and bishops are in the way, always wanting money for the poor! I’d like some Protestant missionaries to come in and weaken The Church by confusing with conflicting teachings. It’s cheaper to provide a little walking around money for ‘concerned missionaries’ than to put in expensive systems that provide clean water for millions of people!”
A typical Commandante El Presidente will consider the usual alternative to actually doing good: “I’ll get a few Protestant organizations to send people to my country. They will distract people from Catholicism, cut their donations, and marginalize The Church by division. I’ll give them some land and a little ‘seed money’. Protestant missionaries love to talk about ‘seed money’!”
Soon, one of the Prosperity Protestants is made aware of “An exciting, new Missionary Opportunity”! They tell tens of thousands of contributors what they always say when raising funds for missions: “It is better to teach a man how to fish than to give him a fish.”
Well-trained congregations of Prosperity Protestants burst into applause. Little dead places in their brains keep them from remembering “I’ve heard that same phrase, ‘It is better to teach a man how to fish than to give him a fish.’ every week or so for the past twenty years.”
A Pastor Bob struts around the stage, alternating between triumph and humility, shouting and whispering in a single sentence: “We have been asked by the enlightened leaders of Mantoolia to come to their country and set their people free from the superstitions of The Catholic Church!”
Pastor Bob does not confuse people by mentioning that in negotiations with Commandante El Presidente, he has obtained legal title to nearly a mile of beautiful beachfront property just a few dozen miles from the recently proposed jetport. It is, of course, a good place to teach people how to fish. It’s an even better place to build an exclusive resort, a possibility not mentioned in the initial fund-raising, but one about which his immediate family is quickly made aware.
Pastor Bob continues: “It is our responsibility to respond to Commandante El Presidente’s plea for help. We do not want those people lost in the slums. We want them to be self-supporting! We know that (and his voice is building up to the usual crescendo), IT IS BETTER TO TEACH A MAN HOW TO FISH THAN TO GIVE HIM A FISH!”
Obediently springing to their feet on that cue, the cheering, clapping congregation reaches for billfolds so their Prosperity Pastor’s coming command may be obeyed: “It is up to us to get those people started down the road to economic independence! I know you’ll keep that in mind as we take up our special collection!”
No one mentions that most of the fish eaten in the world today are caught, cleaned, processed, and flash-frozen by huge, largely mechanized fishing ships and that fleets of these mammoth trawlers are fishing all over the world. The few people whom some Pastor Bobs teach how to fish end up finding out about that they hard way, after they’ve gone into debt to buy tiny outboards and little nets. No one lets awareness of that reality get in the way of the Pastor Bobs saying over and over again how important it is to teach people to fish.
Once the “special collection” has provided for immediate expenses, a Pastor Bob is on the way! As fast as they can get packed, he and his entourage are on his Personal Lockheed Mission Jet, zooming down to “help”.
