A nickel can be made to be worth billions. Suppose someone thinks to himself, “Nickel is a heavy metal. Heavy metals are dangerous. Therefore, we should make nickels out of plastic.” After coming to that conclusion, he goes to New York.
Manhattan’s experienced public relations specialists are hired to develop a series of lies and exaggerations about “nickel poisoning”. At the same time, big New York banks arrange financing.
Public relations specialists churn out copy. “Is your pocket change worth dying for?” becomes a headline. It’s followed by variations on the theme that miraculously appear on one TV show and press article after another.
“‘Your life’s not worth a plugged nickel!’ takes on a new meaning.” Then, “Children not killed for their lunch money, but by their lunch money!” Other groups are brought into the campaign. “House fires can vaporize nickels: a great concern for firemen!”
Those working in other parts of Gotham’s Imaginary Problem Industry are quick to get a free ride on the bandwagon. “Even tiny traces of nickel emissions may be contributing disproportionately to global warming.” “Nickels might be a proven source of deadly allergens.” “Carrying nickels in your pocket appears to cause reduced sperm counts.” “Touching a nickel with your fingers can carry the deadly nickel atoms directly into the bloodstream.” “Nickel mines may be the world’s worst source of ground water pollution.”
The pitiful boobs who believe that the “news” has any credibility at all quickly absorb this sudden flood of new information. The most credulous morons among them memorize a few key sentences, as they are meant to, and obediently pass them on, utilizing a process that they have been taught to think of as “thinking”, “I must warn people to watch out for those deadly nickels”, “Nickels are killing us! Who would have thought?”, “Something must be done about nickels! ” becomes part of millions of minds.
Brighter people quickly know what’s going on. At the first appearance of the “Deadly Nickel” press releases, those in, for instance, the glass industries, will put their own public relations firms to work. “We all agree that nickel is deadly, but we cannot agree that plastic is a scientifically reasonable substitute. Tempered glass is the ideal material to replace nickel.”
From another field, it will be announced that: “Nickels should be made out of fiber-reinforced ceramic so that they’ll last longer and never break or wear out.”
Research labs at major universities will be retained to determine which material actually works the best.
While that’s going on, bribes, in the form of campaign contributions, are directed to politicians who have been given the power to legislate such things. “We in Alabama, where the resin will be produced, have proven that the plastic nickels are far superior.” At the same time, senators with large glass industries in their states can push for “campaign contributions” from their constituents. “New York State’s glass companies have long been a vital part of America’s industrial heritage. Those companies are the ideal suppliers for this new, vital project of nickel replacement.”
Weeks or months later, whenever focus groups have found that the lies have penetrated the necessary percentage of simple minds, and the highest bidder has successfully purchased the necessary Congressional votes, a solution is announced:
“Officials at The United States Mint, working together with concerned scientists, (on TV “news”, there will be file footage of actors dressed up like scientists operating complicated-looking, shiny equipment cobbled together from expresso machines and old exercise equipment) have solved the deadly health problems that may occur if nickels are allowed to remain in the nation’s money supply. The nickel will stay, but will no longer be made from the deadly heavy metal. The center of each new Safety Nickel will be made of glass, surrounded by a plastic disc which is rimmed by fiber-reinforced ceramics.”
A great sigh of relief will be exhaled from the entire boob community. “Whew! That was a close one!” “News” lead-ins will proclaim, “Disaster narrowly averted by government program!” And, “This private-public partnership has been a great benefit to every American.” The few people with the courage to report that each new nickel costs fifteen cents to produce and has absolutely no intrinsic value will be labeled “mean-spirited right wing extremists”.
When the profitability is fully understood, pennies, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars will also be replaced be with “Non-allergenic Coinage” after those campaigns have been successfully launched.
As the process gathers headway, one or two companies will successfully lobby for the opportunity to be the authorized “safe exchange agents”. They will then sell the millions of tons of scrap metal. The same news agencies will let us know that their vast profiteering is actually “environmentally sound recycling”.
