. Is Pastor Bob the smartest Profiteer of Protestantism in History?
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Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism! has made a great step forward! “Catholics and old-fashioned Protestant denominations baptize babies by pouring or sprinkling a little water on their heads. That is so wrong! Babies should not be baptized.”
Pastor Bob explains: “We are the new, Perfectly Purified Protestants. We are proud to have invented Protestant Denomination Number 48,000 and ONE! We aren’t like Catholics or those old, boring Protestant denominations. No simple sprinkling or pouring water on the head for us! If a person REALLY wants to be Baptized like Jesus, he or she must be Truly Baptized after the age of 30. That’s about how old Jesus was when He was Baptized!”
Where does this miracle happen? “Our new mega-church at the corner of Broadpath and Slide produces Perfectly Purified Protestants. Our Baptismal Font is an Olympic-sized swimming pool that looks like a section of The River Jordan! It has glass walls so that all may see the proper Baptism of Perfectly Purified Protestants. It is filled with water that we ship over from The River Jordan!”
Circulating pumps provide current that matches the flow in The River Jordan! How did Pastor Bob perform that Great Miracle in Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism!?
Pastor Bob blessed and personally placed a water speed gauge in The River Jordan. “It is close to where Jesus may have been baptized!” A satellite connection sends River Jordan Water Speed directly to his Holy Pump Control. His followers are assured that the water flowing in their Baptism matches the speed of the River Jordan!
Was Jesus facing upstream? Downstream? Was He facing toward the left or right bank? Was He face up or face down? No one knows!
Pastor Bob solved That Great Theological Puzzle!
Baptism Assistants in Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism! totally submerge the Approved Candidate facing upstream, then, downstream. Then, the immersed candidate is faced toward the left bank, then toward the right bank of the Giant Baptismal font. Leaves of palm trees transplanted from The River Jordan flutter in the breeze from silent fans!
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Then, something bad happened at Pastor Bob’s Church of The Perfect Baptism!
Assistant Pastors saw the money flowing in! Those greedy ingrates abandoned Pastor Bob, who’d taught them everything they knew. They started their own Churches of The Perfect Baptism just to make money for themselves!
Pastor Bob was not discouraged. “It is wrong for them to confuse people with false doctrines!” This great Christian did not hate them. He prayed for their souls! “May God give them the justice they deserve by sending them all to hell!”
How The Pastor prayed! He was given “Holy Inspiration!” Now, Approved Candidates are strapped to an actual wooden cross. That lets them be more like Jesus as they “die to the world”. They are immersed in the Giant Baptismal Font while lashed to his Amazing Inspiration, Pastor Bob’s Baptismal Cross! He has joined the beginning and the end of The Holy Life of Jesus in one exalted ceremony. What a genius Pastor Bob must be!
That Theological Breakthrough makes Pastor Bob’s Perfectly Purified Protestants the Purest Protestants of all! Then, another Inspiration! Pastor Bob’s Baptismal Cross is lifted up by The Patented Pastor Bob Baptismal Crane. The cross AND the Approved Candidate are lowered into The Flowing River Jordan Water, and rotated! Oh, the purification!
The Great Evangelist realized that even more thorough cleansing was possible. Engineers designed rotating holders for His Baptismal Cross. For an additional charge, the Approved Candidate is rotated vertically and horizontally in the Flowing Waters of The River Jordan facing every direction! Clockwise! Counter-clockwise! Face-up! Face down!
After one or two customers accidently drowned, the government investigated. That provided Pastor Bob with another opportunity! Now, SCUBA tanks must be rented from The Pastor Bob Baptismal Store next door. It is run by his otherwise unemployable son-in-law, Pastor Bob, Jr.
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Pastor Bob promises: “When The Holy Fullness of my Baptism is complete, the Candidate is certified to be a Perfectly Purified Protestant and given a small, silver-plated key. It is guaranteed to open the Pearly Gates.”
Pastor Bob proudly shows his many framed patents issued on devices necessary to produce Perfectly Purified Protestants. “Patent protection lets us sue hurtful imitators. Christianity is confused by too many flawed variations of Sound Doctrine!”
Just last week, Pastor Bob announced: “I have had a Word of Knowledge! A spirit told me: ‘Pastor Bob, if you Baptize a person perfectly, and their soul does not get into Heaven, you may offer them a double-your-money-back guarantee!”
Pastor Bob asks every Catholic priest and Protestant minister on earth: “Can you beat that?”
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