Two or three times in the past few years, students in Pittsburgh have taken sofas off porches and burned them in post-game celebrations. No one is recorded to have been hurt. Owners of the old couches do not appear to have missed them.
But, someone might have been hurt.
A City Councilman introduced legislation to keep any city resident from putting upholstered furniture on their front porch. It passed unanimously because no one could afford to look as if he or she didn’t care about what might happen. Some, in fact, expressed deep concerns that the burning couches might set the entire city ablaze. A rolling, unstoppable wall of flame was envisioned, spreading from house to house.
Some Pittsburghers are glad The Mayor is eager to show that he’s “concerned” about what might happen without such a law. He has promised to sign the vital legislation into effect “immediately”.
Like most cities, Pittsburgh has lost population. About half of its residents have fled, after being taxed nearly to death. The Steel City’s steel mills have closed. Attempts to build a coke mill were quickly shot down by local environmentalists. Manufacturing has disappeared. Mostly, the remaining people with jobs in Pittsburgh make money by taxing.
As far as local media is concerned, Pittsburgh is in “good shape”. And it is, compared with, say, Detroit. Or, Berlin, after the War.
Now that people have been kept from sitting comfortably on their front porches, the city’s problems have been solved. Nanny Ascendant has become Nanny Triumphant, and the City continues to shrivel. The important thing is that it is now safe from the disasters that might have happened.
But, Pittsburgh is still not safe enough.
Two or three times in the past ten years, students have rolled over cars in post-game celebrations. There is a fear that students might roll over several cars, and light the leaking gasoline on fire. The ensuing inferno might, it is feared, wipe out entire neighborhoods.
A City Councilman is soon to introduce legislation that will make it illegal to park cars outside anywhere in the City.
