The Incoming Prayers Department

Jesus told us how we should pray: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.”

That prayer gets us “in tune with the Heavenly frequencies” and thereby helps us get closer to God. The Lord’s Prayer also allows God to get closer to us. Every Christian should say The Lord’s Prayer frequently.

Things get confused in the Incoming Prayer Department as a billion Christians ask for specifics. Some need cures for different kinds of disorders and diseases. Some need jobs, cars, or help with marriage. Each different problem has specialists assigned. Within the Requested Cures Section of The Incoming Prayers Department, for instance, there are specialists in bowel, liver, heart, lung, and skin disorders.

Catholics understand that God has assigned spiritual specialists to every human need. Catholics are not so arrogant as to think God, Himself, wants to be bothered with their individual pleas and requests. That’s why Catholics tend to go through channels. They want to get their needs assigned to the Heavenly Specialist God has assigned to their needs in The Incoming Prayers Department as quickly and efficiently as possible.

And, Catholics know a secret short-cut! Protestants squawk in outrage, but the fact is that prayers directed to The Blessed Mother of God get assigned to the Right Place Fast! She, after all, is The Queen of Heaven, and when She says “Jump!”, angels leap through a dozen galaxies. Catholics have enough sense to realize that, and ask The Mother of God to intercede on their behalf. She, in turn, requests the necessary assistance from Her Heavenly Son, Father, and Spouse to help those who have asked Her for help.

Not the poor Protestants! Their vanity knows no bounds on earth or Heaven. “God wants to hear from me and He wants to hear directly!” many of them take pride in announcing. Hundreds of millions of Protestant prayers end up in a huge pile. Saints and angels in The Incoming Prayers Department tend to avoid them. “What a disorganized mess they make of things! Why are they too pig-headed to bother getting them directed to the right place in The Department?”

Sometimes, particularly heartfelt prayers are answered. “I hate to do this. It only encourages them,” the Saints and Angels say, “But, the poor Protestants just don’t know any better. The pitiful schisms they’re in don’t have many concerns beyond making their own payroll, let alone understanding the Hierarchy of Heaven.”

It takes time and effort to sort out the various requests and get them to the appropriate section of the Incoming Prayers Department. “Can’t these Protestants even be bothered to look up the appropriate Saint on the internet?” the angels ask, with a touch of asperity.

Those in the schisms don’t even like to think about inefficiencies they cause in The Incoming Prayers Department. “God loves me!” they endlessly announce, proud to be endlessly pestering Him in the vainest, most arrogant manner.

So, Saints and Angels often tackle the huge pile of Protestant prayers, working to get through them as soon as possible. They know what will happen if the piles of disorganized prayers get too big.

Someone from HQ comes down and says, “They want this mess cleaned up. Can you start with the Methodists’ prayers? He likes them more than some of the others.”