The Profiteers of Protestantism must take The Protestant Pledge:
“I promise to never disagree with any Protestant denomination! All 45,000 Protestant Denominations are right! The newest is the rightest! I will disagree with Jesus. Jesus was wrong to decree: “And I say unto you thou art Peter and on this rock I build My Church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I give you the keys to The Kingdom of Heaven.” As a loyal Protestant, I realize that we know more than Jesus.”
Then, they have to pick one of the 45,000 denominations and give it 10% of their income! Which to choose? These are: The “Top Four!” of all Protestant Denominations! These are The “rightest of the right”! Modern, up-to-date Protestants love them!
Which do you like?
1. The brilliant Pastor Bob invented The Church of The Perfect Baptism. His patented Baptismal fonts replicate a short section of The River Jordan. Water from The River Jordan is shipped in. The Baptizee is fully immersed, facing upstream, downstream, and sideways. Many rent SCUBA tanks from Dive Shops next door to each church. The baptizee is rotated on Pastor Bob’s patented “Baptismal spit”. Each is guaranteed to be “Baptized just like Jesus, in The Holy Water of The River Jordan.” He provides the best guarantee in Protestantism: “If you don’t get into Heaven, you get double your money back!”
2. Many Protestant Profiteers were making money from The Church of God. It was boring and stale! One of their ambitious pastors invented a new version! The Real Church of God is bringing in many from his former denomination. They love it! It’s easy. His new converts just have to learn one line: “We are in The Real Church of God. You should be, too.” Often, that’s all it takes!
3. Many Protestants were giving money to the old, tired Seventh Day Adventists. The Reverend Knowal Blowhardt had been an amateur astronomer! He saw the light! “We don’t have to go to church on Saturday! That’s old, out-of-date marketing! You don’t have to waste time going to church at all! You just drive by our Drive-Thru Depositories, drop off your donation, and the rest of the day is yours!” His new denomination, The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters, is growing like a weed!
4. A brilliant theologian, The Reverend Richard “Dickie” Duck, was in the boring Jehovah’s Witness denomination. He realized that it was wrong about Baptism. Dr. “Dickie” Duck read the Prophet Daniel. He studied the stars with his powerful telescope. “A revelation told me that a person must be Baptized exactly 2,300 times to wash away every possible sin!” Whether he’s right or wrong about that, he is right about one thing: “The Jehovah’s Wetnesses are the cleanest Protestants in the world!”
Those are The “Top Four!” of all Protestant denominations! Which one of the 45,000 do you like?
A helpful household hint: Every January 15, one of them offers a “special”! You only have to pledge 6% of your income if you join on “Sale Day”! You save 4% a year for life!
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